Tag: gently firm

React, Correct, Direct…

August 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

React, Correct, Direct…

We do this. Sometimes all day long. With our kids, our partners (just ask my husband or daughters!), our friends, our co-workers and maybe even ourselves…

We react and then correct what they say, do, or feel. We tell them what they should say, do, or feel. And the sad thing is how it can ultimately leave all those involved feeling quite DIS-connected from one another. I’m sure you’ve felt this—when your partner or co-worker tells you what you did wrong, how to do it right, and how it can leave you feeling embarrassed, uncomfortable, resentful, often begrudgingly doing it their way, the right way, the whatever way. And now—disconnection. Big time. Uncomfortable, awkward, upsetting DIS- connection.

This is how our children feel as we go through the day reacting, correcting and directing.

You know the drill, I’m sure. Your child is re-counting a story filled with lots of big feelings (hers) to daddy—maybe one about a Great Big Fall she had, or how a favorite dish broke, or that when she wanted a turn with her friend’s scooter, her friend was MEAN and wouldn’t let her.

You, listening in, find yourself saying, “Honey, it wasn’t that big of a fall. You hardly got hurt. Tell daddy how we went to the park and how much fun you had there.” Or, “No, no, no. The dish didn’t just fall by itself and break! You were not being careful and dropped it. Next time you better let me handle the dish.” Or, “I think you should tell daddy how you weren’t very nice to your friend and wouldn’t share your bike with her, so of course she didn’t want to give you a turn on her scooter!”

Or maybe the React, Correct, Direct, looks more like this:

As your child studies the sky and states quite loudly how it is GREEN today, you say, “Skies are blue, sweetie. Be sure to say the right color.”

As your child exuberantly colors with BIG strokes across his coloring book page, you say, “Stay in the lines! Here, this is how you do that…”

When your child shows you how she has finished her math worksheet for school and is ready to head out to play, you take a quick look and see that a number of the problems are incorrectly answered. You say, “You didn’t do those right. These questions are wrong. You can’t go outside to play. Sit down and finish it correctly.” And when she gets really frustrated and upset, you say, “You don’t need to be so mad. Just sit down and get it done!”

Maybe your child experiences a Great Big Sad to him and melts down in a heap with HUGE alligator tears and you say, “Don’t cry. Here, this is how you do it. See? I did it for you! You don’t need to be so upset.”

So many examples. We all fall into this React, Correct, Direct. And it is the disconnection that results that really is what makes everything else so darn hard. And even though we do this with good intentions—helping our children learn what we see as positive, productive, and “right”—we actually are communicating so many relationship-depleting things…such as:

“You need me to tell you what to do.” “I don’t have confidence in your abilities…” “How you feel isn’t important.” “I know better than you how you feel!”  YIKES.

And just think how the wonderful, creative, imaginative ideas are now squashed, exuberance is dimmed, self-confidence undermined, upset often resulting. Now our kids are more likely to resist, push our buttons as they react right back at us, or perhaps withdraw as they silently comply. Now OUR job as parents just gets harder.

DIS-connection. It really makes everything harder.

What to do? How about PAUSE, first and foremost. Consider your words and your intent. Start with a question or describe what you see. Affirm feelings, always! It really is a simple “recipe” that can be oh so hard to follow. Again, just ask my husband. Or daughters. You see, I write so much about what I’m needing the most, too :-).

So try this. Think instead: PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, (Re)-Connect.

Then try a few of these on:

“You have so much to share with daddy!” And maybe that’s as far as you really need to go :-). Affirming and descriptive. And oh, the possibilities left wide open for all those ideas and stories to e-x-p-a-n-d, be relished, hopefully lived. Or those more productive choices gently shared and talked about—all because you chose to PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and keep connection at the forefront.

“Yes, the dish did break. I wonder what would help all of us be more careful with the dishes…hmmm….” Describing rather than blaming. Reflection. This “Reflect” word? It goes two ways—it can be reflecting back what your child is saying OR it can be you taking the moment to consider just what you really want before stepping in to partner alongside your child. Ever so respectful.

“You and your friend had a hard time today, didn’t you? It’s not much fun when that happens. Do you have any ideas for tomorrow when you two are together again?”  What a way to let your child know hard times are just that, hard times, and that they have the power to do things differently and explore their own ideas for creating positive change. Relationship building on so many levels! What a way to Partner…

“The sky looks GREEN to you! Can you tell me what more you see as you look so high in the sky?”  What a way to encourage and affirm their creative, imaginative selves, to Reflect and Partner alongside as you crane your neck up to study the ever-so-GREEN sky!

“Look at all the coloring you are doing in your coloring book! WOW!” And if lines are an absolute to stay within, then, “You really want to color with BIG strokes. This book is for practicing inside the lines. Would this paper work for all those BIG strokes of yours?”  Reflecting what you see. Partnering as you show your child the possibilities…

“I can see you’ve finished your math worksheet. Are you feeling good about the work you’ve put into it? Great! You can head outside to play until dinner, if you like.” Or, “You’re done! Would you like to go over it with me now, or after you play outside?” What confidence in their abilities is communicated! What a way to Partner with your child to help them feel capable, successful, in charge of themselves. What a way to grow the kind of Connection that builds relationships in such healthy ways.

“Oh how SAD you are! It really was upsetting for you.”  And instead of hurrying up to “fix” the sad, sit in it for a bit. What a respectful way to say, “Your feelings matter.” What a way to Reflect so they can better understand their feelings. What a way to Partner in their Great Big Sad. Truly a deposit into growing the kind of Connection you want the most—calm, respectful, trusting…

And now your child more likely feels heard, listened to, understood–respected. They are given a chance to think their own thoughts, share them in their own way, reflect on and beyond whatever they are experiencing. And now? They grow their ability to manage themselves that much more. To grow their capable, competent, creative selves. To problem solve, dream, share, think, listen, and hear :-).

And to feel truly and wonderfully connected. What a way to grow. What a way to THRIVE. What a way to feel affirmed and empowered, wanting to learn more, curious about life, feeling increasingly confident from the inside out. And now? When we DO have to correct and direct? Disconnection no longer rules, for the foundation of connection is strongly in place. Now any disconnection that is felt is more likely to be talked about, expressed productively, understood, forgiven, and turned into the connection that is key for growing well.

Find Alice’s books here!

Today, PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and (Re)-Connect.  What a difference this can make. You and your child are worth all the work you are doing to parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Things Are Different These Days

March 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Spirituality Comment

I spoke with a (Grand)-dad recently who reflected on how he was brought up by a fair and firm mother. One who listened, considered, and said “no” when necessary. A mother who had clear boundaries for her son and held to them calmly and with a gentle firmness. He shared how he knew where he stood with her;  how he could count on what she said, she’d do. He also spoke of, with a bit of a smile, not liking the “no’s” even as he felt heard and understood by his mother, and how his mother was okay with his feelings. And here he now was– a curious, kind and respectful adult, embracing what life throws at him with a sense of humor and humbleness, taking care to take responsibility for himself.

He spoke to his unsettled feelings over how children are raised nowadays–and he shared that his wife told him it’s because things are different now from when he was young.

This gave me pause. Things ARE different than when he was a boy.  We have many, many families that are made up vastly differently then his traditional two-parent, stay-at-home mom experience was. We are immersed in technology and screens. We have a culture that encourages and even demands a fast paced and full life-style. We have children growing up in an environment full of digital devices and all the concerns and advantages this brings. We have so many parenting labels to try on these days. I could go on with all that is different; I’m sure you, can, as well.

Yet something very important hasn’t changed. How our children develop physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Our children’s development continues to unfold in the ways it always has. What has changed is the “Out There” and how we respond to all those outer influences when it comes to parenting, to building our relationships. The demands of our faster paced, technology driven lifestyle demands our attention. And the more we focus on that, the more it seems things change with children. And often in less desirable ways. We are more likely to live from a reactive rather than responsive place.

Parenting from a “firm and fair” place continues to be the authoritative parenting style that supports our children and our relationships in the best possible way, allowing our children to develop healthily. It requires our focus to start within ourselves. To put aside the demands of our “out there” culture/life/world and PAUSE. Think. Slow down enough to really listen to ourselves, from the inside out. The ever-increasing pull to attend to all those “out there” things robs us of our ability to live from our inner selves. And this is the core of parenting well. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our children (and others!), for supporting our child’s optimal development and well-being. For helping our children develop their inner selves. Essential for a healthy life.

I believe it requires us to slow down. If not from the outside, then within. Yes, you can do both–still be caught up in a fast-paced life and slow down from within. The key? Strengthen your PAUSE. Really! Start with the heated moments and discover ways to calm a bit before responding to your child. Pause, breathe, walk away, close your eyes and focus first on YOURSELF. Your feelings; your upset. Settle to the best of your ability. This one step will make a tremendous difference over time.

And what a gift to our children, as we strengthen our ability to take care of our upset and connect calmly with them. What a gift to our children as we show them the power of PAUSE and how to develop that in themselves. To learn to think and reflect a bit, to be given plenty of time to DO so (Our Children Need to PAUSE, too!). Our ability to be fair and firm, as this Grand-dad talked of, comes from our ability to take our time with our children, and guide them from the inside-out.

Our world needs this more than ever. We need to nurture our ability to BE. Our children need unscheduled time, bored time, lots and lots of nature time. And so do we. Pausing gives us the start in this kind of healing we and our society needs. Things are different, now. And our children need what they’ve always needed. Fair, gently firm guidance coming from a calm and connected adult. This has not changed.

The need for it has.

Let’s refocus. Let’s respond to what our children require from us in order to grow well. Then let this be our guide for what “out there” actually needs our time and attention.  In time, with practice, our essential BE-ing will rise up and be a real and positive influence for our children, families, communities, world.

Find Alice’s books here!

How cool is that? Here’s to this Grand-dad who I left musing on the sidewalk as he, too, considered that, in the essential ways, things haven’t changed at all. We just need to refocus.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2021 Alice Hanscam

 

 

PICK ME UP NOW!

January 25, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! A story of the power of calm connection for you.

 

I watched a mom come into a preschool the other day–her son was crying and yelling and twisting around, reaching up for her, obviously wanting to be picked up.

Mom, quite calmly and composed (she felt comfortable in this welcoming public place of preschool), stopped, looked down at her over-the-top screaming son and said, “You are having a really hard time. I see that. I’m here and when you can use calmer words, I can pick you up.”

The screaming got louder, the physical insistence to PICK ME UP NOW quite clear. Words, no such thing. As a matter of fact, I doubt he was capable of using words right then, though I appreciated the mom’s efforts.

As Teacher neared, mom moved a bit away, intentionally creating a pause for herself, looking at some of the lovely pictures on the wall. I’m certain her “when you can use your words” was also helping create the pause she needed to be the calm presence her son needed. Son was a basket case, melted on the floor, screaming. Teacher kneels down and talks softly to the young boy–to no avail. Mom bends down once again and gently repeats, “You are really upset. When you can use your calmer words, I can pick you up.”

This, unfortunately, pushed his button further and he escalated. Somehow they managed to move, slowly and with son wrapped around mom’s leg (and mom comfortably okay with this) into the room where cool things were available to play.

This time mom knelt down next to her son, touched him gently, and waited quietly with him.

Just kept him company in all of his big feelings. He leaned into her (for really, what he really wanted was HER), content to be snuggled next to her. Mom stayed true to her word at not picking him up, and gave him exactly what he needed to move through this upset–her calm and connected self.

And he DID calm down. Soon he began watching the other kids. Mom didn’t move. Then they began talking with each other about what was out to play with. Mom still didn’t move. She waited until her son made HIS move to go explore cool things.

Calm connection. It spoke volumes.

 

As did her promise of picking him up when he could use his words. She gave her son her confidence in his ability to manage his big feelings. And she gave him her company–quiet, safe, available.

This is the power of calm connection, for it makes what could be truly a disaster into a relationship building experience. It allows for feelings to be sorted through. It gives the company where company is needed. It doesn’t take ownership over the other’s upset, it just gives it the space of grace necessary for moving through it well. Or well enough And it is often hard to do.

I think this mom felt it get hard, because even though she was calm and consistent with what her son could expect (using words…), he was hearing none of it. I think it is at this point we PAUSE to consider just what we are trying to do–and if it is to get them to comply, to finally LISTEN and do as we say, then we need to PAUSE again. And consider just what they need, rather than what we want.

Let go a bit of our trying to control and step in and discover just what “calm connection” and feeling “in control” can look like without compliance.

 

Because that is where the real growth is. And this mom did just this, after the ***hard*** of realizing not picking him up was just escalating things more. I so appreciated how she found a way to create the connection he needed the most AND stay true to her word.  Kneeling down and touching her son. Gently. Taking her time. And it worked.

She wasn’t “in control” of her son–HE was gaining control of himself. Now that’s real growth.

 

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

A story for you. Maybe it resonates. Maybe you have other ways to move through these moments that feel good to you and you can share here. Just know that it is with a PAUSE in place and calm connection leading the way that the greatest gifts emerge. In time. And with hard work.

Make it great today,
Alice

Take. Your. Time.

October 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Take Your Time.

There’s a young Mama in my life of whom I admire greatly. She has the wonderful ability to Take Her Time through much of whatever her toddler and preschooler throw at her. She incorporates PAUSE in such a way that her little ones feel heard, understood, supported, and able to better manage themselves in all they do. Something you each know I speak of often…and yet walking the talk is even difficult for me at times.

I’ve learned much from her. I know she’s learned from me, and yet…this Take Your Time? Watching how she does this no matter the emotions or circumstance has truly empowered me to further grow this in myself. To relax a bit, no matter the situation, and Take My Time through it. No rush. The less the rush, the more it feels right. Good. Healing. Relationship-building, ultimately.

It is HARD, as you all know, in the loud, upsetting, maybe even tantruming moments. It is HARD knowing that it takes so  much repetition for little ones to learn–why oh why can’t they figure it out the FIRST time that wrecking their sibling’s work isn’t okay, that hitting and biting hurts, that throwing their food on the floor and watching the dog lap it all up just isn’t going to fly after the first round of laughter from all of us?

We all want our words to work the FIRST time. We all want to make these big and uncomfortable feelings go away, settle down. We all want the HARD to become easy. Now. Not months from now, but immediately. I think this is accentuated by our culture of instant gratification–from ordering on Amazon Prime to Googling answers right away to instant or fast foods, to immediate results for many things and everything becoming just so much faster. That’s a whole other post to write–because I believe it is undermining our lives in truly unhealthy ways. Making it hard to Take Our Time. And it is in Taking Our Time that the most meaningful things come.

Back to the immediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…

Here’s the deal.  It truly does take strengthening our PAUSE muscle. Because as we strengthen this within ourselves–to create a bit of space to calm ourselves and recognize whatever the situation is–the more we can respond from a calm, connected place, the more that is learned. And really, it all comes down to Taking Your Time.

Maybe this looks like your understanding it will take repetition–calm, consistent, clear responses over and over again–in order for you little one to learn and grow. And so you settle in for the long haul. Get clear about what you want, be consistent and calm with how you show them.

Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath as things totally disintegrate and LET them disintegrate. With your company. LET the loud, big upset be loud and big. Work more at calming yourself or arranging your facial expressions to reflect how you’d LIKE to be feeling (!!). And be in it all. Take Your Time.

Because as you do so, you are communicating to your child important messages, such as:

You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave or feel. What a way to help a child feel safe and secure in the midst of BIG feelings.

I have confidence in your ability to manage your feelings. You can count on my company and support to help you along. Just imagine knowing the important person in your life has confidence in YOU.

How YOU feel is okay and all WILL be okay. Wow–to hear (over and over again) that feeling mad or sad or happy or frustrated is OKAY. Just think how that can ripple out into adulthood! Someone who allows themselves to feel fully whatever they need to feel AND know that they will be okay. What a game-changer that could be for all of us.

How you feel is important. Valued. Respected. Imagine having that communicated to you as you rant over what a co-worker or boss or parenting partner did. That your rant is heard, Is important. Is valued and respected. For our children, that is the precursor to calming themselves. To being compassionate towards another. To eventually cooperating and collaborating and sharing and all those wonderful skills and qualities we want to see in our kids.

You don’t need me to decide for you how to feel. This is so key–it is never our responsibility to make another feel a certain way. Yes, we have great influence, and it is ultimately up to each one of us to be responsible for how we decide to feel. And this is empowering. Think about how that ripples out to teen years–as our children learn to understand, accept, and manage their own feelings, they are less likely as teens look to another to tell them what they should do and feel. Pretty important for growing in healthy ways. For relating in healthy ways.

What does Take Your Time actually LOOK like?

With little guys it is about describing what you see, first and foremost. “You are mad…your brother wrecked your puzzle…you both wanted that toy…it’s frustrating when that doesn’t work for you…you bumped your head and it hurt…” Just the act of describing, first and foremost, creates a PAUSE and allows you to Take Your Time. And it helps your child understand and process it all, too. It often gives you insight into just what your child is actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes this can be surprising!

With your older child or teen it may be about saying, “I hear you. I’m feeling pretty upset myself, right now. Let me take a bit to think about this. I will get back to you.” And then you do–both Take Your Time to think, and then get back to them. This creates that PAUSE that slows it all down and allows you to respond in a productive, relationship-building way. Ever so respectful.

Sometimes it is about physically being next to your child for a moment. Just being there, present, connected, waiting for a moment. Working harder at calming your own anxiety then calming them. 

Sometimes is is about your encouraging self-talk telling yourself that this particular deal will take a long time to learn and you CAN continue stepping in patiently. Over and over and over again. You can do it!

Always it is about seeing any situation as an opportunity for growth and learning (for you and your child!) rather than a problem to solve. This is something I encourage all of you to reflect on–as you rush in to stop, solve, fix, get over as quick as possible (so you can feel better!), consider what you might do differently if you saw this as the opportunity to help your child grow a bit more towards the kind of adult you hope they’ll be. Consider, if it wasn’t a problem to fix, how you might approach it. When we step in thinking it is our job to fix something, we rob our children and ourselves of all kinds of important, essential growth. Another post to write!

Take Your Time. Slow it down when you can.

Focus first on calming YOUR self so you can help your child do the same. Allow for the extra few minutes to move

through a difficult moment. Allow the difficult

moment to be a long moment.

Sometimes for older children we are talking days. Weeks. And yet, as we Take Our Time through their difficult moments, situations, stages, THEY can feel all that support and encouragement that will ultimately move them through it productively. Healthily. Feeling competent, capable, in charge of their selves. How cool is that?

What do YOU need in order to Take Your Time? To take care of you along the way. Remember those Self-Care deposits I talk about? Be sure to do something, just for you, regularly. One minute, hours. Whatever works in your life. It all counts.

Be sure to think about where you have been able to Take Your Time. To feel more comfortable through upset. To help your child move through something difficult. Because it is those times that will bolster you in the midst of the here and now difficult ones.

And PAUSE. Often in your life. Wherever and with whomever. The more you focus on this, the more you strengthen the muscle, the more likely you will find yourself Taking Your Time through something more difficult.

This Mama I admire? She’s taught me this. To Take My Time no matter how disruptive, upsetting, uncomfortable a situation is. To recognize how my button gets pushed and equally recognize I get to control my own buttons. To act-as-if I’m okay with all the uproar around me.

And then the way cool thing happens. That uproar? It settles. Maybe because I Took My Time. Or maybe because, as I focused on calming my self I got a bit clearer about what to do. How to respond. Creative juices flow more readily. Or I make room for a surprising “solution.” Perhaps because I Took My Time, it gave my child the opportunity to figure things out.No matter what, something better emerges. Always. And the best thing of all?

CONNECTION.  Real, meaningful, deep, lovely, joyful, heartwarming connection emerges. 

Find Alice’s books here!

What a way to live. What a way to grow. What a way to deposit into any and all of your relationships.

Today, Take Your Time. In whatever way you can. Little or big. Notice how you feel. Notice what works for you. And most especially, notice how it influences situations you are in–with your children, with others.

And thank you to this Mama. I hope she knows how much I am learning from her as she is learning from me.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lessons Learned from a Toddler

August 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

Lessons learned (and delighted in and stressed over) from a toddler:

~ Boxes and tape are way more fun then whatever is inside... Always.

~ When I want the blue cup, no the green cup, actually YOUR cup, but really NO cup, how about those crackers, no not THOSE crackers, I mean just PUT ME DOWN, I really want UP–it means I really am just w-a-a-a-y over tired…

~If you tell me it is time to get my diaper changed or leave or put on my jacket or get out (or in) of the tub, count on me to probably say NO…but PLEASE help me by meaning what you say and helping me to still do what you say it is time to do…now my world really can make sense…

~ Laps are best when a book is involved...and who says you have to sit still when being read to?

~ Even the littlest thing deserves great scrutiny…including that teeny tiny spider crawling across the floor, the crumb stuck to my thumb, the owie on YOUR hand, or the errant cheerio hiding under the fridge…(that deserves tasting, as well!)

~ ORDER is important! Keep the peas separate from the mashed potatoes, please…and I really do need to know that nap time follows lunchtime on a regular basis and that my favorite stuffed animal or blankie ALWAYS can be counted on to go to daycare with me…

~ MESS is essential!  Smooshing the peas into the mashed potatoes makes a wonderful gooey and perhaps yummy (if chosen to be eaten) mess…oh! And how fun it is to lean w-a-a-a-y over and drop the gooey mess PLOP onto the floor and watch my dog slurp it all up…

~ When you say “Bye” to me, leave. Even if I cry. Even if I cling like an octopus or press my gooey nose and drippy eyes up against the window or end up a puddle on the floor. But make sure you come back when you said you would. Now I really can count on you!

~ Who says socks have to go on feet and pants on legs? Be creative! Think out of the box!

~ Puddles are SUPPOSED to be relished with feet, boots, hands, bottoms, dancing, hopping, poking, rock throwing, dog lapping, all things wet and muddy…why else are they there after it rains?

~ Sudsing up hands under warm water and watching the bubbles swirl around in the drain and more bubbles be made as my hands squish together and just getting lost in all this warm water play is a lovely way to spend lengthy time cleaning up…please don’t hurry me!

~ Tears are best met with the comfort of welcoming arms…or just company nearby cuz sometimes I feel MAD at you.

~ JOY is to be shared as ridiculously funny things happen like falling boom on my bottom to my great surprise or watching the waddling porcupine climb up the zoo cage or delighting in the swirling leaves or discovering a page in my favorite book that has you reading and re-reading and me acting it out and talking about it over and over again…with you.

Find Alice’s books here!

Lessons from a toddler. What have you learned of recent from your little one? Or delighted in? Or been surprised by? I’d love to hear! Including any button pushing moments…of which there can be plenty with our terrific toddlers .

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam