Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:
Our attention to our devices and the times
our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,
and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,
and emotional development.
Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional
experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.
They are ESSENTIAL.
…now you actually respond in a way that makes
sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m
curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now
you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”
And you really do.
THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and
self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.
The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.
Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.
Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”
Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!
Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…
Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!
.
Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.
Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.
PAUSE. Let it work its magic.
April 1, 2022 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Self-help Comment
. Sometimes they don’t even land on our radar screen. Ultimately, there are fewer and fewer of them because of the ripple out effect our ability to come from a pause has on those around us. Especially our children.
Cooperation, Trust, and a Healthy World
September 7, 2021 Covid-19, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Spirituality Comment
“Cooperation is entirely based on trust.” (Dalai Lama, The Book of Joy)
Trust. Confidence. Compassion. Kindness. Friendship. Cooperation. Collaboration. We are lacking so much of this in our society, it seems. Everywhere we look, read, hear about there is angst, anger, altercations. True, what we focus on grows, and one can choose to focus on where it seems to all be disintegrating and disheartening–or very simply start looking another direction and see a large population of folks building upon the foundation of trust.
I feel compelled to write about this–energized by reading The Book of Joy, by my own spiritual practice, the Light I live in and by and work at radiating out. I, too, have struggled as I get caught up in the negativity of news.
I, too, have found myself full of angst, anger, and stewing over altercations. And then I am reminded to PAUSE…and intentionally focus on kindness, Light, care and compassion. I am reminded how I have a choice as to how I look at the world.
And then the cool thing happens. I find myself caring for, being kind to–in my thoughts and, hopefully, with my actions–those who are caught up in the angst, anger, and altercations. I recognize how shaken their foundation of trust is–no matter the cause. When our trust is compromised, so much can crumble. They need love and compassion more than ever. I know it can sound almost corny, to think “that’s all they need.” And yet, in a real sense, it is. Love that speaks to affirmation of feelings, acceptance of differences, receptivity to connection. Compassion that says, “I care” whether I agree or not. Compassion that reaches out and creates a shared human experience, touches upon another, welcomes in all feelings involved.
Think about a child. It is in that first year of life that trust is established. It is an essential need to be answered for a baby–trust that their hunger is satisfied, discomfort comforted, sleep had and respected. Trust that is formed via a healthy bond with a loving, tuned-in, responsive care-giver. This is where it all begins. This is where we can lay a solid foundation for the rest of life to be lived upon–and with a solid foundation, many hardships can be managed and managed well. When that trust is compromised, distrust, reactivity, upset, angst, anger and altercations grow–and all those hardships? They become far more devastating.
It feels like this is where we are at these days. Politically. With the pandemic. The fight for a healthy earth. With anything and everything that doesn’t fit our own personal view and belief. We’ve turned into an “I’m right/you’re wrong” society. As parents, when we fall into this with our own children, it becomes a battle. Trying to make them think, feel, do as we want–win/lose situations abound. Pretty relationship depleting. Pretty devastating in the long run.
And this seems to be exactly what is happening as we get immersed in the angst, anger, and altercations. To what end? For what good? Yet there IS a lot of good here–a lot of opportunity as we pause and take time to recognize it. How we handle stress and conflicts is where our relationships are born (Stress, Conflict, and Relationships).
And that brings me to the grand opportunity we have in the midst of all the turmoil we find ourselves in.
We have the opportunity to choose how we think, feel, and react as we find ourselves in the midst of our angst, anger, and altercations. We can choose based on what I believe the majority of us want the most–a healthy, thriving world. We can choose based on the kind of relationships that leave us feeling cherished, uplifted, heard, appreciated, understood. 
What does this require of us?
Pausing, first and foremost. The kind of PAUSE that creates space in your life, allows you to ponder, to become clear about what you really want, to speak the words you really mean. The kind of PAUSE that provides the self-care necessary–the time to show yourself care and compassion so you can then do so for others. PAUSE as the practice it is that can calm, center, empower. A muscle you strengthen as you actively practice pausing all through your day.
Here’s what I have come to understand as I grow my own ability to pause and live from a calmer, more centered space:
Turmoil, pain, conflict means growth and learning. They have a place. What would it be like to feel peaceful, centered, content, and joyous no matter what the world does? From this place we become better able to serve those in pain, conflict, turmoil–we grow our ability to be empathetic and compassionate, to hear and understand. And it is then we can be truly effective in this world–transformational, even. As we better serve others with understanding, compassion and acceptance they can feel safe. It is from safety, emotionally and/or physically, that growth can occur. As we become peaceful, content, certain, our true and best selves, we become available to support and empower others. We can change the world. 
We each have a responsibility to better our world. To BE better. It begins with trust–within ourselves, for others, in God, nature, the Universe. From there, cooperation can emerge. And with cooperation we can heal, grow, be lifted and energized–we can be connected.
With JOY, hope, and deep gratitude for the power of PAUSE to bring the Light and love we all need, for the work of the Dalai Lama and The Book of Joy,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2021 Alice Hanscam
Considering Praise
March 2, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
“Good job!” “You are SO smart.”
“What a pretty little girl you are!” “You are an amazing athlete.” “Good boy for sharing!” “You are an ace at math.” “Good girl!” “You made such a pretty picture–good job.””What a brave boy you are!”
Sounds good, right? Familiar, perhaps, as you praise your child all through the day?
Consider this—praise of this kind can actually displace just what
our children need the most.
Yes, displace. Stay with me here! I know praise for all they do seems like the way to grow those strong-from-the-inside-out kids, but consider this–as we give what feels like encouragement to our children in just the above way, we can undermine their ability to be intrinsically motivated–firing from inside themselves as they tap into their strengths and abilities to, on their own, pursue all things in life; we can undermine their growth as a strong, inner directed person.
Think about this–if we tell a child “Good job!” when they willingly get dressed in the morning, what does this communicate when they have a hard time getting dressed the next morning? That they are doing a ‘bad job?’ This is what a child ‘hears’, and it does little to help them decide, on their own, to want to get dressed in the morning!
If we tell a child “You are so smart!” when they bring home an assignment they got 100% on, how do they feel when they come home with one marked with 75%? Or when they find themselves struggling with homework? If we’ve told them they are so smart, then they more likely will feel a failure when they struggle–“I’m supposed to be so smart. Why can’t I DO this??”
If we tell our daughter how pretty she looks as she prances out in her frilly red dress, what are we communicating is important? How she looks? How could this influence her over the years…as a teen…if how she looks becomes the go-to response she gets from us?
What CAN we do?
Oh so much! Describing what you see rather than praising is essential for our children to grow intrinsically motivated and to feel authentically affirmed.
Here’s how that can look:
“You chose the red frilly dress! And you buttoned all those buttons by yourself. That took a lot of work.”
“Wow. That took a lot of brain work to come home with 100% on your assignment. I bet you feel really good about how your hard work paid off.”
“I see blue, green, black, and yellow in your picture. You chose to use a LOT of the yellow! And look how you went round and round with your marker to make so many circle shapes…”
“Look how strong your muscles can be! What effort it takes to carry the bag all the way up the stairs. I appreciate your help.”
“What a commitment you’ve had to your training. I can see how happy you are to make the team at school!”
“Math can be hard! Look at all the problems you’ve accomplished. You’ve concentrated on this for a long time.”
“Your friend is happy you shared your toy! What a kind thing to do.”
“It takes a lot of courage to climb up so high. When you are ready, you can give it a go.”
What is different?
Now you are focusing on abilities, strengths, and qualities.
These are things you want to encourage for they help our children become more confident, feel more capable, able to take risks, to rally from mistakes, to move through struggle. To know “I can really use my brain” sets a child up to work through a tough homework problem in an empowering way. Hearing “You are so smart!” can leave a child at a loss when they don’t do well on a test, or when they can’t figure out a problem. Using “You CAN be” instead of “You ARE…” gives a child the chance to be something else. Empowering!
Take time today to pause as your child shows you the work they’ve done.
Describe what you see–including the feelings of your child. Notice the L-O-N-G brush strokes across their painting and say something. Notice the colors they chose and tell them that’s what you see. 
Pay attention to what they called upon to get through a tough moment and name it for them. Ask them questions about what it took to accomplish what they are grinning from ear to ear about.
Use struggles as a time to name and affirm their feelings, rather than find something to praise in order to ‘make them feel better.’ Use struggles as a time to identify the inner strengths they are trying to tap into to succeed–“That puzzle is really difficult. It is frustrating for you! I can see you are working really hard to figure it out…” “When your friend says those things it hurts your feelings and I can tell you feel sad. What might help you right now?”
This is important.
Growing children who feel empowered, authentically affirmed, and intrinsically motivated is key for living well all through life.
It makes your job as a parent easier as your child can now move through struggles more successfully, can call upon their own selves to solve something, can make healthier choices with peers, and feel truly competent and capable. Give it a try and notice what is different as you focus on your child’s abilities, their process, the qualities you want the most. I believe you’ll see just how your child is growing in amazing ways…and they’ll “see” it, too.
Now when you find yourself throwing out the inevitable “good job!” or “You look so pretty!” now and again? No worries, for you’ve tipped the balance towards emphasizing just what you want the most–children feeling strong from the inside out.
What a gift to your child and to your relationships!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Let’s Take Care of Each Other
November 4, 2020 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
“Let’s just take care of each other.” Then there is his first phrase, “Let’s stop screaming at each other.”
PAUSE. Always, always a PAUSE.
It begins with each and every one of US, this difference we can make for our world. It begins with a PAUSE.
A PAUSE that allows us to take a breath in a heated situation. To calm ourselves, even a bit. To consider with care just what it is we want the most–and I mean in the big picture, including and most especially as parents. The big picture takes you out of the heat of the moment–out of “I just want my child to BEHAVE!” and into just what that translates to as you see yourself successfully parenting a child towards a responsible, self-directed adulthood. Because often it isn’t about behaving a certain way in the moment..
It is about helping our children to learn to manage themselves in the long term in order to navigate life in healthy, affirming, productive, considerate, contributing ways, and building healthy relationships along the way.
er the RESPECT that is now communicated. When we PAUSE, calm, reflect, respond; when we take care of ourselves, and intentionally care for others–we are communicating a deep care and RESPECT for all.Now we CAN live from the steady, centered, inner-directed
place that allows us to influence and impact our children, world, all our relationships in life affirming ways.
Touch someone’s soul.
True Confessions
May 18, 2020 Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment
True confessions…
…I’ve screamed
…I’ve spanked
…I’ve slammed doors
…I’ve cried often
…I’ve threatened things I then didn’t follow through on–and other times DID no matter the cost
…My “No NO NO” has turned to “OK OK OK,” just please stop whining, arguing, fighting (AKA driving me nuts)!
…I’ve spent entire days feeling guilty about the blow up in the morning, awaiting the return of my child from school so I can feel better…
…I’ve plunked my kids in front of the TV just to get a much needed break
…I’ve grabbed arms too roughly, slammed desired items down onto the table, been extra harsh in the hope of driving MY point home.
…I’ve struggled.
I have also…
…Apologized heart-fully
…Learned to PAUSE so I could calm down
…Intentionally hugged my bristly teens each morning no matter the level of angst in the house
…Closed doors extra firmly (well, hey, there’s got to be room for growth!)
…Stuck to my promises
…Stayed strong in my decisions
…Let my kids be mad, sad, disappointed
…Let go of making my kids see my point (okay, again, this is a work in progress!)
…Got creative in order to get the break I needed without resorting to TV-something I felt strongly about
…Intentionally ‘gentled’ myself so I could hold arms carefully, place desired things on the table respectfully, speak calmly no matter how MAD I felt.
I have grown and continue to grow. And you can and are as well.
Know you have good company on this parenting journey–your struggles are shared, understood, appreciated; your successes celebrated. Be gentle with yourself so you can be so with your children. 
Tipping the balance in favor of respectful and positive relationships is essential–this is not about perfection, this is about growth. If we reach for perfection we undermine our ability to accept and grow in the moment.
Know the kind of parent you intend to be and let that drive you forward in the tough times and relish it in the successful times. Keep your sight fixed on who you want to be, on each struggle as an opportunity to learn from, each success as true strengthening of the muscles you want to grow the most.
Allow yourself to grow.
What a gift to our children as they watch us welcome the ups and downs of our growth and watch us strive–always strive–to be better. Now they can, too.
Make it fabulous today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
No No NO! I said NO!
June 17, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
“No no!”
“I said NO.” 
“Stop that!”
“Come here to mama right now.”
“I said, come here!”
Then maybe the Arm Grab or Yank.
Or the Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
Definitely the “ARGH! You didn’t LISTEN.”
Sound familiar?
Toddlers. Oh so trying, testing, totally terrific, too 
(Preschoolers, too. Or maybe elementary. Definitely teens…and really, as you read this, know that if you have an older-than-toddler-child, it is still much the same…with tweaks, of course…)
Their job?
To be increasingly in charge of themselves (Think: future independent young adult).
To try things on for size–over and over and over again.
To see–truly SEE–if they can count on YOU to act upon what you say–and hopefully the first time.
To ask of us to be clear about what it is we want–and if we aren’t, they’ll just test us once again…to try to be SURE of what we want…
And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just BEHAVE. Do what I say and without a fuss (hopefully without a fuss! Which is why we say NO and STOP and Come here over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it just requires even MORE time and it can be so darn embarrassing).
Hence the repeating we do. The ARGH and Arm Yank or Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
DISCLAIMER: Never do I recommend these EVER (except for the ARGH!).
And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they KEEP testing us…why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.
Here’s the deal. These toddlers? They need us to be calm.
Consistent. Clear.
They need us to communicate with OUR words just what it is we want. They need us to show them–patiently and often–just what it is we are wanting them to do and learn and how to BE. That Arm Yank? Hand Slap? Bottom Swat? All they really teach is that it is okay to yank, slap, swat–not something we want our child doing to another, not something we should ever do.
All they really teach is that Mama or Papa do THIS when I do THAT. Not very effective for really helping a little one learn about their world or themselves. All it really does is turn their impish selves ON even more and test, act up, push your buttons–probably not what you intend to have happen!
A few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive, productive, and healthy ways:
Describe what you see, first: “You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer!” (this, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!).” Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, “Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks IN to the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three…in they go.”
And as your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back OUT of the drawer? Instead of the “NO” or the Arm Yank, Hand Slap or the Bottom Swat followed by the “I told you to stop!” try:
“It’s too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I’m going to scoop them up and put them away.” And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully–or as cheerfully as possible…or maybe not cheerfully at all…) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date–maybe), then turn to your tot and say, “Up you go and let’s check on kitty…or something outside…or a book…or…”
Now you’ve followed through with what you’ve said–that the clothes belong in the drawer. You’ve given a choice for them to join in with you—and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child. You’ve stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about US–whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear). Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves.
Now you’ve just stepped in as the GUIDE they need…
…rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control…Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, BIG tears/screams–-the same thing goes for these.
Stop the hurting behavior with, “I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it HURTS.”
Then affirm feelings involved/describe what you see, “You are really frustrated because you’d like me to play with you and I’m so busy talking to papa.”
Offer up what it is you WANT–-and how they can participate in that: “It’s so hard to wait when I’m busy, isn’t it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?”
And maybe it is about pausing in your conversation with your spouse and giving your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down…picking them up, talking a bit…and THEN: “Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?”
With LESS attention on the “mis” behavior and much more on how you’d like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover real growth to occur (after you repeat a million times…!)
THIS is guiding at its best. Which means, in the long run,
a “disciplined” child–someone who CAN manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.
It takes time. It takes PAUSE. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.
And yet, it is even harder when we don’t do this–for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older it gets WAY more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to STOP, COME, do it differently,
PAUSE, first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you WANT–instead of what you don’t want. Then go to them and show them.
It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier. Really!
If you’ve enjoyed this article, here is another about toddlers: Toddlers! Totally Terrific…
And another about all-things-NO! can be found here.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Toddlers! Totally Terrific…
May 10, 2018 Ages and Stages, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
Toddlers! Totally TERRIFIC. And truly capable and competent.
Oh what an astounding age. If we are slow on the uptake of increasing their opportunities to show how in charge and capable they can be, they will remind us. Over and over and over again until we get it right…or totally lose it…
The key? Including them in the process as much as possible.
Give them the opportunity and choice to:
~ Work on putting their clothes on, whether it’s the young toddler laying their sock over their foot, moving it off, laying it over, moving it off: “I see you are working at putting on your socks!” or the older toddler choosing which shirt to put on and which arm they want to put in first: “You chose the flower shirt! I wonder if you can put your right arm in a-l-l the way.” And then giving them the space and time to try, even briefly if time is of essence.
~ Help up at the counter mixing, pouring, tasting. Toddlers can crack eggs, scoop flour, pour liquids, knead, cut soft things with butter knives. The more you can include them the less likely theyʼll be hanging on your legs crying or whining. If you are doing something they cannot, offer them their own bowl and ingredients to work with—and find it within you to be okay with the mess.
~ Be in charge of their bodies—how they want to move, who or whether they want to hug, when they feel done with wrestling with you. Hear their version of “Stop!” and respect it. And the times you need to do something? “You really donʼt like it when I rinse the shampoo out of your hair. Letʼs do it quickly and then zip you out of the tub to dry off with your great big teddy bear towel. Are you ready?”
~ Do household chores with you—provide a child sized broom, let them push the vacuum, accept their help loading the washer or sorting the socks, give them a sponge and bucket for soaking up messes. Milk spilled? Great fun using a sponge and squishing it out over the sink. Dishes to do? Strip them down, put them on a chair, and give them soapy water and the non-breakables to wash and rinse and wash and rinse and wash and rinse.
~ Find out that you will keep your promise with a twinkle in your eye. Whether it is to stop them from hitting or biting and show them just what they CAN do or that you really will respect the choice they make that you’ve given them–that when you say, “When I am all done washing the dishes we can get the play-dough out” you WILL.
CHOICE!
It really is the key ingredient. All through their day. Choose between changing their diaper before you read two more books or after; between buckling themselves up in their car seat or having help from you; going outside NOW or after snack; wearing socks or staying barefoot; walking or running; singing or clapping; putting ALL the balls back in the basket or just the blue ones. Choices are essential and respecting their choice key. Even when THEIR choice was never part of the deal…”You really want the cookie. It looks yummy, doesn’t it? Let’s put it on a plate and tuck it up on the counter ready for you after you drink your milk or eat your apple…” (the original choice). And you follow through. Calmly. With appreciation for the BIG feelings that may erupt…
The more you can offer up simple choices and follow through, the more likely when choice just can’t be a part of things they will be far more cooperative…maybe. At least YOU will feel better about “having to do it” no matter how they feel, because of all the opportunity you DO give them!
Include your toddler in the process of life—whether dressing, eating, cooking, cleaning, loading in the car, doing errands, understanding feelings.
It is essential for building healthy, strong relationships and self-directed, capable, confident adults.
Toddlers are terrific! If you enjoyed this, you may like: No no NO! I Said NO.
With joy and appreciation,
Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam
DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…
April 15, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.
Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??
Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?
Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.
Ideas for you:
~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...
~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”
~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”
~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”
~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”
~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”
~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”
~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).
~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...
~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”
~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”
~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...
What we focus on grows.
Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.
So choose tod
ay to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”
Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.
Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam