hands-on learning

Tag: hands-on learning

What TO Do Instead of a Screen?

June 20, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 4 Comments

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago (okay, maybe 20 or 25…), the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done. Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. A valuable resource for you is the Children’s ScreenTime Network. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Babies and Toddlers: Scientists Extraordinaire

May 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“Do we want our toddlers to learn how to use simple math and language symbols, or do we want them to truly understand mathematical concepts, develop their higher learning skills, be deep thinkers and creative problem solvers…

Any time we interrupt what an infant or toddler might be working on to “teach” him, we discourage focus and attention span. Attempting to plant seeds of knowledge in our babies inadvertently plants seeds of doubt. How can our child believe that the activities he chooses are valuable, when we signal that we want him to do something more…or different?” (How To Help Your Baby Become A Math Genius (Or Not), Janet Lansbury)

I truly appreciate Janet Lansbury‘s work. This one being the most recent I’ve immersed myself in. What stands out to me is the difference between “using a skill” and “UNDERSTANDING a concept.”

I remember when we paused with our second daughter–considering putting her Kindergarten at age 6, rather than as a brand new 5 (her birthday fell right at the school district’s cut-off date for entering Kindergarten.) With my husband being an elementary teacher, and me being an early child development professional, we both knew in our gut that waiting might be best. Yet we still explored…

And what our elder daughter’s Kindergarten teacher said was something to the effect of second (and third and on) children tend to SEEM ready “earlier” due to being exposed to their older sibling’s experiences. So they often knew how to USE a skill–they’ve watched and copied and been immersed in their older sibling’s experiences. But their understanding and the necessary deeper comprehension wasn’t there yet. They could recite numbers and letters, for instance, but were less likely to KNOW what those numbers and letters truly represented and meant.

It was this that gave us the go-ahead to PAUSE and give our younger daughter the time SHE needed to explore her world at her own pace.

Math. Oh there is so MUCH our little ones are learning and absorbing just as Janet speaks of! All on their own as they test, explore, touch, taste…and what an added bonus when, as we head up the stairs with them, we find ourselves counting each step. Or describing just what size portion they are getting–“I cut you 3 apple slices! One. Two. THREE!” Noticing out loud how they dumped ALL the blocks out of the box and are now plunking in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

When we step back and let them work those puzzle pieces in they are learning all about shape, geometry, size. When we give them a cup or two in the bath tub and they practice pouring and dumping and filling they are learning all about quantity and physics and more.

The smooshed peas added to their oatmeal? Chemistry at its best!

A ball rolling rolling rolling…and then rolling back and forth with you? Kinesthetics. Physics.

Baby studying the wheel on a toy…and discovering how to make it go round and round? Physics!

Block building? Oh so much! Numbers. Quantity. Balance. Cause and effect. Gravity! Physics, math, science science science.

The more we can respect PLAY–aka exploration, discovery, trial and error, problem solving–the more we are supporting our little one’s optimal growth. How cool is that?

Babies and toddlers and preschoolers are Scientists Extraordinaire. We just have to get out of their way and quietly observe. Engage appropriately by naming and describing what they are experiencing. Provide a rich and varied environment (and this doesn’t need to be bought toys!) Think paper bags. Boxes. Scarves. Kleenex boxes with various lids tucked inside. Spoons! Pots and pans…oh so much just around the house that adds to that rich and varied environment.

I so appreciate Janet’s work. Here’s a piece from me that may delight you “Important Ways To Play Toddler Style.”

Enjoy your day today! Let it be the brain building one for your child it can so easily be .

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Babies Together

April 6, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

I find this photo beautiful and important. It shows so clearly CONNECTION. And the magic of connection is it begins and is absolutely essential from birth on.

Look at these two. They are touching. They are making eye contact. They are thinking, processing, learning–all because of their physical and emotional connection.

It is lovely–to be uninterrupted, relished quietly, noticed and appreciated. It is essential to *just* absorb, as these two are absorbing their moment together.

And if they “take” a toy from the other? That’s okay. Watch. See how each responds. Often it requires nothing from us other than observing and perhaps quietly stating what you see happening–“You took the block. He’d like it back.” Or, “You are having a turn with the block, I see that.” Or, “You gave her the block. She is giving it back. You are taking turns.” Or, “Hmmm. It makes you mad/sad that she took the block. You weren’t done playing with it.”

No need to pry the block from one hand to give it “back” to the other. No need to change their play and exploration. No need to swoop one of them up in order to stop any uncomfortable-to-us feelings that are expressed. No. What is needed is your connection to their moment. Quiet, calm, present, using words to describe as needed. A smile. A back rubbed. All while giving the safe space for little ones to discover a bit more about what its like to connect, meaningfully, with another. Tears included.

Just think of all the learning that is happening! From feelings to empathy to ownership to respect to taking turns to practice at reaching and grasping and holding and reaching once again to comfort to learning all about another person.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

Take time today to watch–really watch–your children, no matter their age. Notice how they play, think, connect–with another, with their own selves, with whatever play they are involved in. Pay attention to the kinds of connection with your child that feel fabulous to you…and take time to create more of it 🙂 . What a way to build relationships.

Enjoy your week!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach’
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam

Books, Books, and More Books!

March 7, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Story Time! Comment

This photo ALWAYS makes me happy. I like sharing it with all of you once again…(thank you to Best Beginnings and Anchorage Imagination Library)

Books, books, and more books. Reading with my girls oh-so-many years ago STILL brings me smiles, warm memories, reflection on favorite stories…(and the delicious anticipation of memories to be made as I read with a certain Mr. Nearly Three in the next few days…and those future grandchildren…)

I’m remembering…

...the piles of books on the couch and floor and shelves…remembering me falling asleep as I read out-loud: “MOM. WAKE UP. That’s NOT how the story goes…!”…

...how my young toddlers would pull to standing next to their book shelf and take the books off–plunk plunk plunk–one at a time to drop on the floor.

Then down their little chubby legs and body would go, nestled in amongst all their books, and one by one they’d pick up the books, turn the pages, talk to themselves…oh, how did I ever get anything done as I watched with delight their total immerse-ment in all things BOOK!

...how one of my young toddlers chose to always pile her books into a small box…then climb on in…and sit there, reading and reading and reading, diligently placing each book into another pile beside her as she finished. Here was my opportunity to “get something done” and yet…I’d watch her. It filled me up to watch those little hands working on the pages, the furrowed brow at times, the pointing finger and delight she’d express…how she talked to herself…

And my other young toddler how, after each book was absorbed, “read” and studied with great intent, off she’d toss it to her side until she looked much like the photo I’ve shared!

Oh yes, and how, no matter the upset, the mad, the craziness, if we just PAUSED and chose to read, everything would calm down. Really. Everything.

Reading connected us, delighted us, had us lost in our imaginations and conversation. Seeing my girls’ eyes light up as we dove into stories…watching how they so carefully learned to turn paper pages…enjoying how they, too, liked to lean down and smell the book 🙂.

And now? As twenty-somethings? They both put reading as a priority. REAL books. Audio books. Old books new books hardcover paperback children’s adults young adults. No matter. BOOKS. One taps into her 8-year-old buddy’s love of science and finds way-cool books for the two of them to explore, do experiments together, study. My other daughter gets lost in book stores tracking down favorite stories from her childhood to then read–sometimes via Skype, sometimes with a warm and real lap available–with her nearly-three-year-old Godson. How cool is that? All the reading you do NOW ripples out to deposit soundly into relationships later.

BOOKS. Go read today. WITH your child. NEXT to your child. Staying quiet as they get lost in their own book. Know that by doing so you are depositing into the growth of a healthy brain. You are depositing into the growth of a close, connected, lovely relationship. You are tapping into imagination and attention and all things crucial for learning all through life.

Another favorite BOOK post for you: Real Books, Real Learning

Go read today! Make it one of your top priorities…what a gift to all.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

A Favorite Way to Play!

November 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

Looking for (digital-free) ways to play? Here’s one of my favorites…

Home-made play-dough!

(Recipe at end of post 🙂

)

Good for toddlers through teens (ever given a group of teens play-dough to have fun with??)…no need to provide anything else, initially–just warm, off the stove, home-made play-dough to poke, squish, pound, flatten, roll, stack, pinch, and squish all over again!

Want to lengthen and evolve the play? Try adding a butter knife for cutting and pieces of drinking straws (we like to cut them into 1 inch pieces or so…). Toothpicks for older than toddler are fun, too. Porcupines made, candles to be blown out, little holes and circles made to decorate.

Add a spatula and a plate for serving up Play Dough Cake! Or Play Dough Pizza… 🙂 Cookie cutters are fun, too.

Our daughters loved collecting a few of their small plastic animals and making animal play dough parades…walking their toy critters across play-dough for guessing “Whose foot prints are THOSE, Mommy?!”

Or squishing play-dough saddles on top of each critter…or making nests and “beds” for them to sleep in. Add a small muffin tin and then the play starts all over again–filling, making pies, cupcakes, or rolling little pieces of play-dough into balls and filling each muffin tin.

So much learned and experienced as your child squishes and pounds and plays. Creativity and focused attention nurtured; getting lost in their own imagination–something key for healthy growth; small motor skills encouraged; math galore as they help you measure and mix, as they fill and empty and add and lengthen and cut and shorten; feelings soothed; truly a hands on, sensory rich experience that truly grows healthy brains!

When done? Just plop it all into a ziplock bag or other airtight container and save for the next time Play-Dough Fun is to be had!

Enjoy! My favorite play-dough–especially when first off the stove and warm!

Here’s to you today as you look for ways to play…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Some of What I See

November 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

You know what warmed my heart of recent?

The young toddler run-run-running in toddler style down a wooden walkway in a local park. Arms pumping, knees high, and the BIGGEST grin on her face. The other cool thing? How her parents quietly followed along, their long strides matching the run run running of their toddler. Quietly. Respectfully. Giving their little one time to just BE.Lovely.

A certain 4.5 year-old in my life who asked his Mama to ask me if I could join them at the library. They were already there, immersed in all things BOOKS and it was me he thought of–an invitation hard to beat.

The small group of grandparents, parents, and school-aged kids at a local marsh, binoculars in hand, finding the bald eagle w-a-y out on a tree, studying moose remains a bit nearer, identifying arctic terns and swallows, and blue-winged teal ducks. Identifying because the kids have been shown, asked questions, given binoculars to learn to use. Bird book alongside. What a way to deposit into a healthy brain! Hands on, language and sensory rich, whole body, relationship-based learning.

A certain 10-year-old in my life who was eager to join in on his mother’s and my walk on a bike trail. Up he hopped on his bike, helmet in place, and then carefully and steadily stayed right beside us. No need to dash ahead, for he said he wanted to be next to us to talk. And talk he did 🙂 And when we were all back at his house enjoying tea? He said, “That was fun! I’m glad I went with you.” Cool, hmmmm?

Watching two favorite little boys–toddler and preschooler–roast hot dogs over our campfire one night. The concentration, the careful holding of the long metal stick, the adjustments to move A-W-A-Y from the smoke. The rather loud reluctance over letting go of the rather charred hot dog…until a slice of melon was offered up to roast, instead 🙂 All of it done with watchful eyes, space for both to manage the roasting all by themselves. And THEN there were the marshmallows…

That certain 10-year-old once again in my life who shared, as we sipped tea together, how much he loves to visit his Great Grandma. Why, I asked? “Because she is fun, shares jokes, and I love her stories,” he said. Now THAT is awesome.

My heart has been warmed and really, all it takes is pausing to notice and appreciate, to listen and maybe ask a question or two. Today, take time to look around and watch a bit. Catch that moment of a young toddler squatting close to a flower to study a bug. Watch for the GLEE as children play freely. Join in alongside your child to actively learn about something. Appreciate in little and big ways all through your days…it can begin to work magic in an otherwise hectic, stressful, or overwhelmed day.

Really!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Real Books, Real Learning

October 12, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Ahhhh….the JOY of books and reading! A friend shared this photo so I could share it with all of you. Isn’t it lovely? Can you just put yourself there, stretched out alongside another, poring over and getting lost in a really good book?

Simple. Lovely. And it stands out to me–which is a mixed bag of feelings, right now. It stands out, because instead of this being the norm these days, it is screens that we often see in front of a child or adult.

And screens? They are here to stay AND it is our responsibility to make sure they are used wisely. Which translates to SELDOM in the early years, and as our children grow as a tool that is just a PART of truly hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based experiences. For that is key for growing well.

Reading. Real books in real time. Together.

So much is fostered! So much more than what screens alone can do. Just think–truly sensory and language rich–touching and turning and flipping through pages, smelling (oh yes! Books can be fun to bury our noses in…), listening, looking, talking about and studying and noticing, and yes…if you have a baby…tasting .

Screens? One dimensional. Far more about swiping and tapping and “making something happen.” Far less about conversation, rich language, imagination, focus and attention and musing and getting lost in your own thoughts and…I could go on and on….

Just think what books and reading can foster…

...LANGUAGE. Conversation. Imagination. Curiosity. Understanding. Focus and attention. A way to make sense of the world, a way to feel affirmed, a way to learn something new. A way to understand yourself. Rich diversity of WORDS that help with comprehension and language skills and all things absolutely key for schooling.

…Connection with each other–-physically and emotionally. On laps. Stretched out on the grass. Snuggled. In a circle. On a bed. Laughing, crying, poring over illustrations and talking talking talking. Or not. Maybe just listening. Now that’s an important skill! This connection? It is powerful.

…Alone time immersed in another world of your own imagination as you read words and “see” in your minds eye just what YOU want. Or absorb the illustration and consider just what might happen next…or what would it be like to…or isn’t that picture just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen…or I wonder or how about or could you do that…or or or…

...All things BRAINY. Reading a REAL book, in our hands, turning pages back and forth, touching, smelling, passing back and forth, studying words and pictures–talk about MAJOR neural connections firing away in the brain. Absolutely necessary for healthy brain growth and incredibly STRONG foundation for all learning to come.

And then I think about how books foster things like…hiding under covers with a flashlight and a good paperback story that then ends up on your face as you fall sound asleep. Page corners turned down, pages flipped to as you try to remember something or share a passage or just re-read, piles made and moved and changed and re-organized, a chance to underline and write in and take notes in columns, book covers and binders to run your hands over, think about, enjoy the art, fan out the book, ruffle the pages, fill a bookshelf, empty a bookshelf (rather like my girls when toddlers and teens!).

Seemingly little things, I know. And yet they bring a richness to an experience that is essential for our growth and wellness in life. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

And you know what this all comes down to? Building relationships. Look at this photo! A sister reading to her brother–both absorbed in something absolutely wonderful that leaves them feeling truly connected. Sister practicing her skill at reading. Sharing her love for books with her brother who is finding out how wonderful listening and absorbing stories can be. You can bet, as he grows, he’ll be clamoring for a pile of books for himself.

Because he, alongside his sister, is discovering the JOY of reading.

Together. A book that has absorbed his attention. A sister and brother depositing into a life-long relationship.

Go read this weekend. Offer up piles of books. Head to your library. Read and re-read the favorite book. Throw a blanket over a table and give your child a flashlight and a few books. Sit and read for yourself. Watch how your child immerses themselves differently in a real book versus a screen. Because they do. And it is important.

Enjoy. And make reading books with your children a priority…and check out another article all about books right here.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s (Not) Ask Google

October 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

I wrote this piece after viewing a television commercial of a father and child poring over a book together. The commercial was promoting the use of technology to create/enhance a warm and meaningful connection for the parent and child. Yet I believe using technology in this way takes away much more than it gives:

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

Child: “Daddy, what do whales sound like?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Google, what does a whale sound like?”

Google: “Blue whales have many sounds…”

Child: “Do whales sleep?”

Dad: “Google...” (As heard and interpreted from a commercial)

You know, it is pretty fun, being able to “ask Google” or Alexis or “whomever” your technology offers up. It’s fun, even enlightening at times, finding out these answers. It can create more conversation and enjoyment in the moment. Certainly it can bring people together as they enjoy trying out this technology and even using it to expand their knowledge and maybe then using this knowledge to understand and explore even further.

And yet…here’s the deal…

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

Just think–as you quickly look to the fast and “right” answer, there is less conversation, less musing, less curiosity encouraged. Imagination is limited, real and lengthy problem solving challenged. There is less need for a stronger attention span, a desire to understand beyond the answer; and less opportunity to truly CONNECT.

Let’s save those quick answers as much as possible when we are exploring/reading/talking with our child. Instead, let’s:

Ask our child, “I wonder…how big do YOU suppose a blue whale is?” “Maybe as big as…a mouse? A house?” Giggles and eye-twinkles. Maybe you ask, “Can you show me how BIG a whale might be??” And down onto the floor your child goes, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g arms and legs out as far as can be…”WOW. Now THAT is big. I bet you ARE a whale!”

Muse, “I think a whale might sound like…a DOG!” “Noooo, daddy…whales don’t sound like a DOG. I think they sound like…” And on you go back and forth, conversing, sharing, imagining, laughing, connecting. Maybe pretending to be many different animals and the play extends way beyond whales…

Be curious, “You know, I always wondered if they sleep…how do you suppose we can find out?” “Ummm…go find a whale and ask?” “Oooh…where can we find a whale?” “I know! Under my bed!” And off you two go to look under the bed, talk to the pretend whale, both snuggle and imagine you are a pair of whales taking a snooze…

Foster creativity and imagination–to let go of the “right” answer and go with creative ones that take you down a much richer, more colorful road to discovery.

Immerse your child in hands-on , sensory and language rich, relationship-based learning—use our bodies and minds and imagination to come up with what WE think. Our child’s ideas encouraged, honored, enjoyed. Such confidence in our child’s ability to learn that is communicated!

Practice problem solving—the kind that has your child digging into other resources, asking more questions, growing their competent and capable self–all so key for all things learning through life. Problem solving that takes patience, curiosity, time…the kind that strengthens us from the inside-out.

And then there is CONNECTION—true, meaningful, lovely, wonder-filled, light-hearted, curious connection. One filled with conversation and discovery. One that speaks of confidence in your child’s ability to learn…to figure things out…to ask questions and know they will be listened to. Connection that says “Your ideas are important! You can count on me to join alongside you as we work to discover together. Taking time to explore is fun! Look at all we can do together as we figure out answers…” What a way to deposit into a healthy relationship.

So leave Google and Alexis for the occasional quick answer. Let that be fun now and again. And instead–deposit richly into your child by letting their questions lead you both down a path of exploration and discovery that truly grows a healthy brain and amazing relationship. You and your child are worth the extra time this takes.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

A Delightful Moment

September 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A delightful moment. Delightful for it was shared–shared with a parent who ended up nearly in tears.

A long outdoor line at a local farmer’s market. A mama, an 18-month-old toddler, a grandma. And me. In line behind them, doing what I love to do–watch and delight in all-things-toddler, and appreciate–the mama, who in this very public place kept her focus and attention exactly where it needed to be.

Toddler? Marching, eye-twinkling, taking in everything all around him:

“Brokli! Hat,” as he watched a gentleman go by carrying a head of broccoli and wearing a hat.

“More? Brokli!!” And his little feet just kept a-moving, dancing around mama, moving away from the line…

Mama? “That gentleman has broccoli. He’s wearing a hat!” I loved her reflection back to her little one of exactly what he noticed and in full language that is so SO key for his ever-expanding repertoire of words, his ever-growing comprehension.

Those dancing little feet wanting so much to MOVE? Mama appreciated this and said, “Do you want to take Grandma and walk around a bit?” Oh YES his twinkly eyes responded…and his marching feet stepped fully away from the line, his eyes taking in all the vendors, all the broccoli and carrots and glorious vegies…grandma in tow.

And then immediately he circled back around looking for his Mama…who was watching him–fully present and available. His eyes literally danced with joy as he reconnected, visually first, and ran as only toddlers can run right back to her in line.

Mama? “Would you like to go pick out our broccoli?” Oh, how this lit up his eyes further as he eyed the pile of vegies they were nearing. Off he stepped toward the broccoli…then zip! Right back to mama, “Brokli! Hat!”

Mama, “You remember the gentleman who was carrying his broccoli and wearing a hat!”

And on and on they went, this little guy happily moving his little feet the entire time–dancing a bit away from the line, returning all on his own. I so appreciated his mama quietly observing him, talking to him about what he was interested in while also keeping him focused on why they were there. Nary a “No.” Nary a “Stay with me.” Nary a “Don’t touch!” Nope. Just present, engaged, and talking about what he was doing, seeing, and COULD do. What a way to grow his capable, in-charge-of-himself self.

And I said something. I told this mama how much I enjoyed watching her little guy. I told her how much I appreciated her presence and engagement. That all that she was doing and saying was growing his brain in exponential ways; their relationship in lovely ways; his ever-expanding independence in just right ways.

And she started to tear up. “Wow. Thank you. I often wonder if I’m doing things “right.” We just don’t hear when we are doing things well…thank you for letting me know.”

We smiled with our eyes (yes, masks were on in this crowded public place), sharing mutual JOY and delight and eye-twinkles over this lovely moment.

Today, take time to pause, observe, and appreciate another. Whether it is a time of delight or a time of struggle. When we pause to notice and appreciate, hearts are warmed, spirits lifted, JOY shared.

What a way to help our world.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Appreciating Play

April 1, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed…

~ The parents of a young toddler who, instead of getting the markers he wanted to join in on coloring like his older sister, asked, “Would you like to go choose your own colors?” And down he climbed oh-so-carefully from the tall stool, pushed and shoved it all the way across the kitchen floor, climbed back up and reached the markers he wanted…climbed back down with them clutched in his hand and proceeded to push and shove the stool back across the floor to the counter where coloring was taking place.

Mom and dad? They watched, stayed near in case of tumbles, and communicated such confidence in his ability to take charge of himself. Fabulous!

~ The same parents who have chosen to flow with the energy of toddler and preschooler coloring style–you know, the kind where the edges of the paper aren’t really the edge of the coloring? When markers slide right off to decorate the surface the paper is on? These parents have chosen to only provide dry erase markers–easily wiped off of the counter.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

And lots of damp paper towels given for clean up–again, confidence communicated in their ability to be in charge of themselves. How cool is that?

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–kitty food! His full engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending…all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Enjoy your children today. Notice what they can do just for themselves that puts a smile on your face. Give them opportunities to really be in charge of themselves; give them the time and space to just be.

It is worth it.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Show Your Toddler How

January 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

A young toddler, Mama, and adult friend. A puzzle that has 9 small blocks. Toddler, upon hearing that YES it is time to head outside to play, picks up the frame holding the blocks and happily DUMPS them all over the floor and then proceeds to head to the stairs to go on outdoors…a favorite place to be!

HERE is where something important can happen. Here is where we can decide to:

1) Feel frustrated with the added mess and react with, “NO. We aren’t going outside. Pick up those blocks right now!”

2) Ignore it because you really don’t want a battle, so you step over the blocks and join your little one marching down the stairs. OR lean down and scoop up the blocks yourself and put them away.

3) Guide this little guy through just what we really want the most–someone who knows how to take responsibility for something they’ve done. (We’ll get back to this in a moment).

The first option?

We want them to learn to clean up messes, right? We want them to know dumping then walking away from it just isn’t okay. We get a bit hot. Irritated. Maybe just frustrated that there is yet another mess to deal with. Our toddler in this option is most likely going to resist like crazy. Keep walking down the stairs and ignore us. Plop on the floor and say, “NOOOOOOO.” Pick up a block or two and throw them just to see how mad you really can get. Not much learned here other than mom gets mad and we have a battle and toddler ends up a wreck. Mom, too. Forget going outside to play.

The second option?

Well, we typically do this because of our own anxiety of having to deal with option number one’s response. So we just take care of it. Or not. Lesson learned? Toddler doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions. Toddler doesn’t learn a bit more about how to clean up, where things go, that everyone in the home participates to keep things going smoothly. And really, those 9 blocks? Way easier to take the moment to help toddler take responsibility for this choice, than, say, eventually being faced with a teen who assumes little to no responsibility at all…

The third option.

This is key and it requires a PAUSE to consider just what you want learned. And what this Mama and friend wanted was a little guy who participated willingly in taking care of messes before moving on to the next play choice. A little guy (and future teen!) who took responsibility for his choices.

Here is what unfolded with Mama, toddler, and adult friend (me, by the way ):

Me: “Oh! All NINE blocks are on the floor. Hmmmm. I’m going to pick up 1-2-3 of them.”

Mama: “And I’M going to pick up 1-2-3 of them, too!”

Toddler–looking at both of us enjoying ourselves as we very intentionally picked up 1-2-3 blocks each and counted out loud–says, “Nano (his nickname for himself) pick up…one…TWO…THREEEEEE!”

Then one at a time we each plunked our three back into the frame they belonged in…counting once again. Then Toddler picked up the frame and placed it carefully on the shelf from which it came.

Me: “Thank you for picking up the blocks and putting them back on the shelf. You know just where they belong!”

Mama: “NOW let’s go outside!”

And off the three of us went.

What was learned?

How to clean up a mess. How to count . What “three” means. How to put the puzzle back together. That this can all be fun and done together. That your effort to clean up is appreciated and encouraged. That toddler can count on help, on us following through with going outside. What “taking responsibility” means…

So much learned! Peacefully. Positively. Respectfully. No battle. Just cooperation and teamwork and FUN. THIS is what is different when we can PAUSE. Take a moment to think about what we really want and step in with calm connection leading the way. Now our little one will more likely be influenced in such a way to clean up on their own. To put one thing away before the next is brought out–or at least some of the time (it is a process!).

And really, even when we are in a hurry we can often take this moment to slow ourselves down because those battles that unfold when we rush? They tend to cost us w-a-y more time then moving slower and more respectfully.

Mama and I both knew that option #3 was best. We also both know that sometimes you DO choose option #2 of stepping past the mess or just taking care of it ourselves, because we are both very tuned in to just when to encourage the clean up and when it needs to wait–toddlers are like that. Being tuned in to when they are most receptive to just what you want to encourage is important for positively influencing them in the long run.

So today, PAUSE. Then let your calm, clear, connected-to-your-child self step forward and interact in such a way your child can truly learn a bit more about healthy choices and living and ways of being. Then appreciate your effort. It can take a lot of work and patience and resilience initially. Give yourself grace for the times you find yourself falling into option #1. Deposit regularly into YOUR self-care-savings account. Notice and appreciate when your little one does things you’d like to see more of. What we focus on grows.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

This growth and learning deal takes time. Theirs and ours! These little moments fill our days and give us lots of opportunity to practice, learn, and grow. Give it the respect of time and your calm connection and watch things emerge that are simply wonderful. Really!

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Important Ways to Play, Toddler Style

December 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Important ways to play, toddler-style (and thoroughly enjoyed by me a while back)…

…dumping each and every stuffed guy, pillow, and book OFF the mattress onto the floor…hauling each and every blanket over the edge and piled on top of the stuffed guys, pillows, and books. Crawling across the mattress to drag up and off the sheet…totally immersed, furrowed eyebrows, concentration, oh so many body contortions with reaching and crawling and climbing and rolling to accomplish freeing the bed of all items!

…musing over the piles on the floor and then choosing a certain lady-bug pillow to plunk back UP on the mattress, crawling back to the edge to get a fist-full of the purple sheet and dragging it back ONTO the mattress, working the toddler-sized body to fit directly ON the lady-bug pillow and pull the sheet up over the body, tucked under the chin, eyes squeezed shut…sort of…and thinking. Talking quietly. No interruption from a parent or caregiver. Oh so much work practicing “going to sleep” can be!

...studying slugs with real concentration. Leaning o-v-e-r the flower box and discovering little tiny slugs with wiggling antenna crawling and sliming across the dirt to eat eat eat the flowers. Oh the discovery! The laughter as one…no, TWO were found climbing UP the flower box…the gently poking finger, the nibble on the leaf to see just what it is slugs like about those green plants…and the great big BLAH that followed! Just think of all the learning!

…climbing up the slippery, wet, grassy hill to spin around and PLOP down onto his back and lay ever so still as he takes in the WET of the grass, the sky he suddenly sees, the bird sounds all around…then UP again to repeat this very routine–climbing, spinning, plopping, freezing perfectly still. Over and over and over…soaking wet pants, muddy feet and hands and face…and total pleasure over being entirely in charge of what his body does…

…peek-a-boo! In and out of the set of closet beads…delighting each time in surprising the present adult with him, relishing being able to count on the adult being there, practicing over and over again the ever important ability to separate…

…and then the stories! Made up and very real and wonderful stories told Toddler Style with hand motions, words, sounds. All about dogs sneaking the cat’s food and dogs silly enough to actually try and eat a bee (STING! O-u-c-h goes the dog and BLECH as Mr. Bee escapes from the mouth…) and important people to this certain toddler writing him postcards with even more stories to think about, laugh over, delight in, and repeat…over and over and over again. Conversation, imagination, incredible THINKING fostered.

And then run off to FIND the post card to talk about it all over again . Young children LOVE getting real mail!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

Work that seems uninteresting and maybe boring to adults but is ESSENTIAL for toddlers. Work that has them thinking, discovering, moving, struggling, strengthening, feeling, talking, imagining, conversing, choosing. Work that requires us to step back, stay quiet, observe. To know just when to say something, just when to respect their space.

Work that grows a healthy brain, ready to learn; a body ready to live well; a soul in touch with who they are and how they tick. Work that a toddler needs plenty of time to engage in. Plenty.

Enjoy your little one today. Delight in what they are discovering about their world, their bodies, their thoughts and feelings. Notice how they do things over and over again. Pay attention to the thinking they are doing–especially when you intentionally stay quiet to just watch. See all the growth happening right in front of you as they explore their world in meaningful-to-them ways.

And let it put a real smile on your face!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Boxes! Play! REAL Learning.

October 19, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.

I remember my 15-month-old would fill a small box with all her books then climb in and read and read and read. When we went to work at my husband’s fishing site in remote Alaska, all we took was a small box and a pile of books. She immediately set about filling her box with her books, settled herself in the midst of them all, and “read.” To this day, 28 years later, she is an avid reader, though seldom from within a box… 🙂

I remember our friends who built a “Cardboard Condo” that actually was collapsed and moved to their new house, it was such a favorite play thing for their preschoolers. A combination of multiple sized boxes, a bit of duct-tape, and presto! The favorite place to be and a magnet for all the little buddies who came to play. What a way to encourage self-direction, creativity, and imagination--as seen from afar as play changed from being Knights Sword Fighting to Daddies and Mommies and House to “I Bet You Can’t Find Me!”

I remember the refrigerator sized boxes we cut doors and windows in–let the play begin! We often put baskets of markers and crayons inside for them to color the walls, flashlights and books for reading in the dark, and a variety of buddies from stuffed kitty to stick horse that seemed to find their way in and back out–often stuffed right through the windows with peals of laughter over such a funny way to come and go. As the interest in the box waned…we switched up what they discovered inside it. Oh how much fun we all had! A wonderful way to create the kind of play that allows Mom and Dad to get work done around the house… 🙂

I know a family of a young toddler who has a wonderful box conglomeration in their living room–first set up when their son was a crawling baby and they gave him the opportunity to learn a bit about going through something, around something, in something, playing peek-a-boo from something. Now they’ve added tubes and balls and the play expands! So many concepts being learned in just the right way–PLAY.

One box, after intense play, was flattened and turned into a map of roads for all our toy cars–the 4 and 7-year old kids in my care busy driving driving driving all around it. The 4-year-old boy was intent on parking and navigating the “roads” with cars, and his 7-year-old sister was busy creating “houses” and “people” for the cars to come to! All with markers and toy cars, sprawled on top of this flattened chunk of cardboard, completely engrossed in their own imaginings. Ever so essential for all things growth and learning!

Shoe box mailboxes and slot mailboxes were added to the box forts in our living room–now my girls “wrote” letters, folded and folded and folded them, sealed them into a make-shift envelope or a real one and mailed them–endlessly. And happily UN-folded them to read each day! So much incredible learning available through a simple box. We had fun writing them letters for them to discover in their cardboard house mailboxes…and to this day? 25 years later? They write US, friends, each other, grandparents–REAL letters and postcards. What a way to nurture close and meaningful relationships.

I know a little boy who decided a smaller box was HIS quiet place. He’d climb in with his special guy and blanket whenever he needed time to just be. He’d sit there watching all the play around him, quite content. In his box. Lovely. This, in the midst of a small and busy daycare center. The really cool thing? Everyone respected the space he needed and defined for himself.

What a way to help him grow into that capable, confident boy who knows how to manage himself and all his needs well.

And I know a family of a preschooler and infant who have extended their box house into the most magnificent “castle” of hidey-holes and windows and buckets on pulleys and balls and drawbridges that has all kinds of play and joy and quiet time and snack time and pretending to be a post-office time emerging from this castle. Oh! And coloring and writing all over the walls, inside and out. Play that has them totally absorbed in what THEY are doing. Play that includes parents. Play that makes room for buddies and ideas and individual space and conflict and negotiations…on and on and on.

Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.

Totally awesome! And all it takes is a box or two or three or…

BOXES. Fantastic!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Learning Despite Unusual Times

September 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Social Emotional Comment

We have an opportunity in front of us. An opportunity to choose how we want to respond to all the chaos surrounding us. Our lives have become bubbles of sorts, with much of our work, family life, and school happening in unusual ways including, for many of us, at home.

We worry because it seems our children are going to lose out on what they need in order to learn and grow in healthy ways. We are exhausted as we try to juggle a seemingly overwhelming task, keeping up with life as we knew it within life as it is now–changed and challenged.

I believe we can foster connection, build relationships, and encourage and nurture real learning despite, or perhaps because of, our feeling overwhelmed. Even without the usual-to-us education (daycare, preschool, Kindergarten…) that we’ve known up until now. And all of these–connection, relationships, learning–are intertwined with each other and already happening in your home.

Did you know…

…when you’ve reached the point of throwing up your arms and letting go of even trying to keep up and get it all done, your child has the opportunity to demonstrate their capable and competent self? Like when a mama I know felt so overwhelmed she forgot to fix lunch for her 4 and 7-year old, and discovered them a bit later at the kitchen table eating sandwiches they had made all by themselves. You can do this, too (throw in the towel and let go) and give your children a chance to show their capable and competent selves. And when we can, we are communicating confidence in their ability to be in charge of themselves. Very cool.

…when you read and re-read the same book over and over to your child you are growing and strengthening essential neural pathways in their brains, expanding their language and comprehension, providing them with stability and predictability as they hear the same words over and over again? You are fostering a warm connection between the two of you that is the foundation for healthy relationships. You may get tired of that same story; know that your child needs it. And when we are overwhelmed in life, it can be soothing for us, as well, to just sit down and get lost in a familiar book with our child. Everything else will wait. Relish this moment.

…when you let your child climb up on a chair and help pour the flour into the bowl, followed by the milk as you make biscuits for dinner, you are providing them an opportunity to discover how a solid and a liquid behave individually as well as what changes when mixed together (oh the science of it all!); you are providing essential mathematical concepts as they hear “Measure one cup…pour all the milk…let’s take spoonfuls…”; and you are, once again, depositing soundly into a healthy, connected relationship that is the foundation for all learning. If you have no mental space to include your child, that’s okay, too. Sometimes I just put a bowl, measuring cup and spoons, and some oats and water out for my daughter to “cook all by herself” on the floor while I threw dinner together.

…when you tell your child “I have to do my work right now, we will play together later” AND you follow through with exactly that, you are giving your child an opportunity to learn how to self-direct (aka play on their own or decide to be a puddle of tears next to you…), discover they can count on what you say you mean (trust! Ever so important), and the essential opportunity to experience big feelings (and eventually learn to manage them well ). You, too, will strengthen your ability to focus on your necessary work no matter the chaos at your feet…really!

…when you are finally DONE and become a puddle of tears yourself, you are giving your child the chance to learn how mama handles her Great Big Sad, you are giving them a chance to show the compassion you so effortlessly and tirelessly show them, you are providing a moment of deep and meaningful connection that can warm everyone’s heart. It’s okay to sit on the floor and cry.

…that sitting quietly beside your child building your own tower of blocks as they chatter happily next to you stacking theirs, you are providing the companionship and space they need to explore their world in their own way. They are learning to self-direct, to be in charge of and think their own ideas, to connect with you in meaningful-to-them ways–“My papa loves me! He likes to play the things I like! What I do is important to my papa!” And you? You get a moment to PAUSE, breathe, recover a bit from feeling over-the-top exhausted.

I could go on and on. So much learning available all through our days. So much value to everything we do. Relationships and learning go hand in hand. Our young children are learning all about their world–know that everything you do with them, for them, away from them are your tools for nurturing the kind of future adults you hope for. Let the simple moments through the day become part of the learning your child needs the most. Use your day intentionally–including how you take care of YOU, including when you throw up your arms and let go, including giving yourself the space and grace to be overwhelmed.

Let our current surreal reality become an opportunity for intentional growth in your family. For it can. And we will all be the better for it.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology

July 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.

Congratulations!

Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.

It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your (and your baby’s) life.

You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in. A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.

What do babies need to thrive?

A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…

What do parents strive for?

Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:

• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?

What do you need to know?

Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:

• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.

There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.

How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?

Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:

Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.

Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!

Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.

Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

Questions to ask yourself

What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?

What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?

How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?

Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Teaching Your Child to Read

June 15, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

I had a grandparent, who is homeschooling their grandchild, ask me recently,“How do you teach a 5-year-old how to read? We read to our child a lot, which she enjoys. Do we use flash cards? Sight words? We are currently trying to get her to sound words out.”

I appreciate that this grandfather reached out. Reading is essential for learning all through life. Academically we’ve pushed down the “achievement” of reading to ages developmentally unready for this accomplishment. Here’s what I wrote to this grandparent:

I’m glad you’ve asked this question! I think your granddaughter is blessed to have grandparents so intimately involved in her life, helping her grow and learn. And your awareness of how crucial reading is and desire to be sure she IS a reader are equally blessings for her.

Reading is a developmental process and something that has not changed despite the efforts of society pushing academics down to younger ages. The fact is that age 8 is when reading typically “comes together” for a child. 3rd grade! This, of course, means at age 8 children are able to read, comprehend what they read, are able to express what they read. The whole package. And hopefully LOVE to read. This is key!

I love that you read to your granddaughter and that she enjoys it! This is the BEST thing you can be doing–sharing and enjoying books builds the love of reading which fuels her learning to read. And there is so much more you can do to build a foundation for a successful reader…

I encourage you to immerse her in literacy–meaning lots and lots of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences around all things books, words, letters, sounds. What does this look like?

Ideas for you:

Have plenty of picture (and appropriate chapter) books available to her at all times.
Be sure to role-model reading, yourself! And talk about stories; tell stories out loud.
Make sure she has a library card and uses it–and this may be creatively done, now with Covid-19, perhaps via playing library in your own home! Together make her a Grandparent House Library Card, and have fun creating a space in your house with a selection of books and have her practice checking them out, being responsible for them, returning them. PLAY. This is key.
Have lots of writing material available for her to freely engage in. We liked to have paper of different sizes and colors, pens, pencils, markers, ink stamps, etc always available. We had fun creating a shoebox mailbox and envelopes to “exchange letters”–which always encourages them to write and tell stories! Sometimes via pictures and this is just as important as words. Asking her to tell you about her drawing is wonderful, and then encouraging her to put a caption under it is certainly okay–“Would you like to write what it is under the picture so daddy can read it when he comes?” Letting go of whether she wants to or not is equally important.
Worry less about making letters or spelling words “right.” Inventive writing is the name of the game–all about her figuring out the sounds SHE hears and translating it to paper–it is amazing what they come up with! Let her freely write write write with little to no parameters. Inside-out learning! Now her thoughts can flow without the roadblock of writing things “right.”
Engage her in cooking at the counter and together “read” labels, ingredients, recipes. “Look! Here it tells us how many eggs. I see a T…what’s the next letter look like to you? W! yes! Oh…and then there is a (you pause…she studies…) O! T-W-O…I wonder what THAT says…” Then you show her one finger, two fingers…and pretty soon she “knows” TWO! You can do this all through your day–“I see a sign with an S! Do you?” “Can you find something that starts with a BBBBB–B?” “Going on a letter hunt….” Basically–all these letters and sounds–the more they are encased in play, the more your child will learn from the inside out. Make sense? FUN! And delicious, as you cook together 🙂
Limit all things screens–this I cannot reiterate enough.
Encourage her to write letters to others and mail them. She may want to draw only a picture, AND she can always sign her name. Practice practice from a fun angle. No pressure–“Are you going to sign with ALL your letters or just some?”
Sing songs. Really! Singing is a form of story telling that delights all.
NO need for flash cards–not in terms of intentionally “teaching her.” Instead, just have them available for play. Maybe play matching games with her–have two decks and take 10 or so of same letters and play concentration (you know, flip them over so letters can’t be seen then each of you take turns turning over two to see if they match…?) Or play a game of choosing one letter, placing it on the floor and then running all over the house finding things that have that letter in their name! No need to “correct” her when she says the ball she found to put next to the letter T has a T in it. Just go with it for now. Make it a game of listening to sounds together.
Sight words–again, that’s all about what is naturally around the house and when you are out and about. Recognizing a stop sign, exit sign, her name. Naturally memorizing a book and then reading it back to you on her own–she may not know each word, AND when kids can tell you the story through memory, this is an important building block for reading.
Make books! Kids her age often LOVE to fold construction paper, fill with blank pages inside and (perhaps with a chosen theme? Like the letter B?) draw, write, create a story. Sometimes we put the books together and then just had them out and available to fill. Sometimes they liked to create their own–mixing up sizes of paper and kinds of paper has a way of triggering even more creativity! Teeny books, big books, rectangle books, circle books… 🙂

When reading becomes a chore, kids grow to dislike reading. My husband, an elementary teacher for over 30 years, has seen many kids come to his third grade class resisting all things reading because it had been “forced” or pushed early on–too early, too hard.

Every child has their own timeline for reading. My youngest put it all together at age 9–prior to that she’d come to a screeching halt when she didn’t know a word. Would NOT go beyond it. She was a perfectionist and it “got in her way.” So what did we do? We read more and more, helped her “over” those unknown words, and then she fell in love with these super silly animal books at age 9 and PRESTO, she no longer worried about words she didn’t know. She is now working on her doctorate in Chemistry and reading books and articles that sound like a foreign language to me.

My eldest daughter’s deal was stubborness and control–because her mom (me!) was trying to “get” her to read (age 6 and 7). I had to back off. So at age 7 as I read to her every day we made a deal–she reads the first sentence of each chapter, I read the rest. I totally let go of trying to “get her” to read any more than that…and PRESTO! She relaxed, trusted I’d keep the deal, and soon she was so lost in books we STILL can’t get her “out” of one!!!! Ha. Hence the 12 banker-sized boxes of academic and pleasure books stacked in our garage awaiting her first home and the book-cases she intends to fill. Reading is a passion of hers, as is learning.

I hope this helps and I hope it inspires you as you look to creative ways to immerse your granddaughter in all things literacy through a play-based lens. I know schools are saying “read by 5!” This frustrates many–kids, parents, teachers alike–since it adds pressure that then displaces or removes just what kids need the most. To love reading!

I encourage you to TRUST the developmental process as you enrich your granddaughter’s environment through a literacy and play lens.”

Have fun!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Dump Trucks, Back Hoes and REAL Learning

May 10, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A story for you that put a smile on MY face:

Toddler, Grandfather, wagon, and All Things Construction.

I came upon them on a morning walk and paused to enjoy the wide-eyed twinkle of Mr. Toddler as he watched the dump truck go BEEP BEEP BEEP as it backed up; listened to him exclaim, “ROCK!” as a load of rock tumbled out. His JOY over All Things Construction brought me joy, as well. Contagious!

And it brought back a million memories…

…of “BACK-HOE!” being nearly the first word of my eldest. Of course, it sounded like, “BUH!” and we knew exactly what she was talking about. Usually. It sometimes referred to the dog next door, Bubba…

…of the afternoons spent with Mr. N. and Miss L., two little ones in my care, watching the new road get put in around the block from our home. The surprise and JOY when the truck drivers honked; the total absorption in the scooping and dumping and whooshing of dirt; the “Can we walk to watch the dump trucks???” plea from both on a daily basis.

...of the hours spent in the middle of our kitchen floor with a tub of sand/rice/beans (whatever!)–contained in an inflatable pool since it was winter time and there was a lack of good digging to be had OUT-side–digging, driving our toy dump trucks, “BRRRRRRRR….DUUUUUUMP” sounds coming from whichever child was totally immersed in all things construction right there in our kitchen. Oh, and how this play led to the doll getting into the middle of it then of COURSE needing a bath, so now water was included, and all the dirt/sand/rice/peas or whatever got mixed in and now it was CEMENT to build houses or maybe a house for the baby, oh, she needs a towel and now she’s hungry…

…of my own daughters knowing the difference between a side dump, belly dump, back dump truck and often correcting ME as we spotted them on our drives to and from where-ever. Not to mention how they knew the proper names of every piece of equipment and how it took work for me to keep up with them!

…of how I could use the “Shall we drive by the back hoes working or do you want to go see if the mountain of gravel has gotten any higher” suggestions as a way of expediting the leaving of a friend’s house or speed up the inevitable S-L-O-W process of dressing following a swim lesson. And it worked, more often than not. The excitement over checking in on various construction sites and all our stories and conversations as a result usually had my kids speeding up whatever process I was trying to move them through.

…of the hours spent OUT-side when it wasn’t mightily cold sitting atop whatever pile of topsoil there was, driving trucks, scooping dirt, making roads, DUUUMMMPPING, filling, BEEP BEEP BEEPing…and coming in all muddy, ready for a warm bath and more water play then something yummy for their tummies…

...of the tons of library books we checked out that was about All Things Trucks and the hours pored over each page, talking about how it was just like what we saw in our neighborhood, or if daddy was going to use a backhoe for OUR project, or if on our next drive in the car we can find workers up in a Cherry Picker, too! And “Oh! Are they picking REAL cherries?” And on and on…

…of how we never had to rely on devices to entertain our kids on our long or short car trips. Ever. Well, they weren’t a choice, either, for they didn’t exist :-). I’m grateful they weren’t, because if so, I, too, may have fallen into the “plug ’em in” mode to get some peace and quiet.

And I’d have missed and never known all the rich and wonderful conversation, ideas, stories, and made-up songs that inevitably emerged from watching out the car windows and spotting just about EVERY thing there was to see.

I’d have missed and never known how that would then spark my kids in regards to their play, or their library book choice, or the rehashing for daddy when he came home from work. And how we’d then sing again those made-up songs as we marched along each day…:-)

Here’s the wonderful thing about all of this–and just think, all of this came from spotting that little boy with his wagon today–the LEARNING that is happening.

REAL learning. Hands on, Sensory and Language Rich,

Relationship-based, Whole Body LEARNING.

The kind that grows brains in optimal ways. The kind that builds relationships. The kind that has children imagining, creating, thinking, processing, focusing–all things ESSENTIAL for school and wanting to learn even more. For being successful in school! And life. Oh yes, and life.

Today, be in the moment with your child. They are natural and eager observers. Learn from them. Watch and be delighted by what they notice and how it has them feeling, what it has them doing. The joyful twinkles in the toddler’s eyes with his wagon warmed my heart. JOY, incredulous-ness, AWE, and even a bit of caution as that dump truck BEEPED and DUMPED and all that rock went TUMBLING down.

And off he went pulling his wagon with his Grandpa alongside, happily marching through the puddles and winding around the big rocks, and soaking up his outdoor time. Grandpa, too. Quietly and respectfully.

Lovely.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Rooted in Place

April 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, School and education, Screen Time and Technology Comment

From a Mama to me to you:

“Somehow it would be lovely to get the message out that we will be OK and thrive and be successful and we can do it with the resources we have at home. We don’t need screens to come in and save us.

Our job as parents right now is to take a deep breath and just give lots of love. If all we do is read books and love our children all the way up to the 17-year-olds in AP physics to those of us with little ones, we will be more than OK.

…these devices seem to say you need this to teach your children which implies an inadequacy. We want to give parents back the competency they innately do have. Screens take away parent skills and (undermine) competency of being present.” (Mama who is sheltering in place)

Alice’s take: Know that, even as schools and life seem to demand being on a screen in order to live well right now, this, too is a choice and in some ways a message that we need screens to come in and save us. We DO require and are grateful for our knowledge and availability of screen technology to shop, connect, be informed. Absolutely. I am looking forward to my cribbage game tonight with another family via Zoom!

I also question the need we are told we have for relying on it to educate our children during this crisis. That we have to continue on with formal education because interrupting this timeline will be devastating.

The more I connect with individuals and organizations intent on supporting parents without an abundance (or even any) screen use for their children, the more I am grounded in extending to each of you the realization that YOU are enough. That experiencing life right now can be enough. That we have rich learning experiences throughout our days sheltering in place at home. And when we recognize this and use them, our children can feel our steadying presence, learn about the world around them, tap into their inner selves…

….they can feel rooted in place (literally so as we shelter in place), busy growing upward and outward BECAUSE they are rooted in place, just as seedlings do, just as these photos from the Mama I quoted sent of something she is doing with her children. Rich learning that taps into an abundance of growth.

It includes the science, math, language, inner awareness, creativity, hands-on, relationship based learning that has our children thriving. This Mama? She hopes the metaphor also impacts her children in affirming ways–that they, too, are quite literally rooted in place in their small apartment AND growing up and out…just as they should.

And that can be enough right now. For a long time, actually.

It requires us to remember and tap into and grow our own capable and competent selves that we innately are. It requires us to let go of formal timelines and recognize the bigger picture of life right now. Who do we want our children to grow into? What are we choosing to do right now that best supports our vision for them? How can you feel YOU are enough? For you are. Try planting some seeds today. Use a glass jar and let your child observe as the roots spread downward and the growth spreads up and out. So much learning! And know that this can be enough.

Sending you love and encouragement each day,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

So Many Ways To Play!

March 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I was so discouraged by an article in the NYTimes with a pediatrician putting a stamp of approval on way more screen time right now, as we live through our pandemic and all the restrictions, demands, chaos, CHANGE it requires.. There is SO much more we can do! Saving screen use for when you are truly at the end of your rope keeps it where it needs to stay–minimal, balanced, managed. It is clear to me PLAY needs to come to the forefront once again.

Ideas for indoor PLAY for you:

…make an obstacle course via furniture, pillows, whatever you want, and challenge your kids to it. Or rather, set your kids off to make one for YOU! Or for each other. Hand over a timer for them to see how fast they can navigate it…or how slow…or by crawling or going backwards or…

…bring that wading pool indoors–empty, of course–and then put a tub in the middle of it filled with whatever you like–water, sand, beans, dirt, snow. Add something to dig with or fill or wash and you have wonderful “messy” play contained in that wading pool.

…piles of cushions, add a few chairs, maybe a table and you have fort making material! A blanket or two, maybe a great big cardboard box or multiple small ones. So much play emerges from these! Forts are for hiding in, playing in, curling up with a pile of books within.

…pull out dress-up clothes! Remember those? Shoes, boots, hats, capes, aprons, dresses. Or maybe give them paper bags and tape and let them create their own, as our girls’ often did.

…strip your kids down (or not), let them use their tempera (washable!) paints in the bathtub. Our girls loved to stand in the tub and cover the tile and tub with all kinds of designs and colors…then all you have to do is turn on the water and presto! It all goes down the drain. Though if your kids are like mine, they’ll first fill the tub with water and watch it turn brown with all the colors mixed, languish a bit, then watch it swish down the drain. Showers follow! Oh the fun!

…make a pot of playdough and add some butter knives, cut-up straws, toy animals. Or put a selection of ingredients like baking soda, vinegar, cereal bits, flour, old seasonings and water on a tray on the table and let them mix and create.

…set up the camping tent in the middle of the room. Add a few flashlights and sleeping bags and step back. Watch the play that emerges! Maybe the next day a saucepan, spoon and snacks are added for “cooking” over a “campfire.”

…take time after kids are asleep to uniquely set up some of their toys–we used to take all their plastic animals and make them parade somewhere unusual…and when our kids discovered them the next day, it triggered so much imaginative play!

…another tub fun is shaving cream…:-)

…include your children in whatever needs to get done–cooking, cleaning, laundry. Children often willingly want to mix, sort, scrub, “play” in the soapy dish water.

…BOOKS! Read read read read read. MUSIC! Sing, dance, hop, jump, twirl. Audio books!!! Listen and delight together (or let them on their own).

…hand over pencil and paper and maybe a few envelopes and get the letter writing started. Or maybe just markers and scissors and glue. Take a shoebox and cut a slit in the top and declare it to be your mailbox–let your kids mail you wonderful little bits of things they make!

…pull out games. Board games, card games, marble games, jump-roping games, made up games.

…stuffed animals, dolls, puppets, a puppet show! Get the pretend doctor kit out (or let your kids create their own) and take care of sick stuffed guys.

…use that shoebox as the start of a play-kit–maybe make it a medical one or maybe one for creating something fun. Add glue, tape, popsicle sticks perhaps, whatever you’ve got that kids can create with. If you go medical theme, add bandaids, cotton balls, pretend medicine, whatever you can think of (or they think of). Theme up a box and let the exploration and fun unfold.

...bake, cook, create recipes. Set your kids up to make their own snacks and lunches so you don’t have to.

…Lego, blocks, puzzles, duplos, dollhouses, dolls. Face painting! We loved setting up a mirror low enough for kids, giving them facepaint, and being oh-so-surprised with what they created on themselves!

…and yes, OUTDOORS. Go outside as much as possible, even if it just in your yard or around the block. The outdoors offers endless play–from watching clouds, to following critter footprints in the snow, to splashing in puddles, swinging, climbing, playing tag, building forts, sledding, taking a walk…use a real camera, hand over a magnifying glass, ride bikes…

There are so many things to do! I hope you’ll share your ideas here, as well. Everyone needs encouragement as we find ourselves more and more sequestered at or near home. Screen-time does not have to be the default, for (as many of you know) the more we use it, the harder our job gets. So let’s focus on healthy PLAY.

And remember…take time for YOU, in little bits if that’s all you can do. Breathe deeply. Enjoy your favorite hot drink. Stand extra long in a hot shower. Pause and just watch as your child is engrossed in play.

Here’s to all of you during this crazy time!

Respectfully and with JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Let’s Talk Play

March 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk play. And schools. And all things essential for children to grow well and optimally, to THRIVE.

It’s increasingly discouraging and concerning that the “new norm” for schools and many parents is that our younger children–think preschool through 3rd grade–see “seat work” and screen technology as what SHOULD be what school and learning is all about.

Thank you to Creative Child for their poster

It isn’t.

And now I’ve recently learned how school districts have embraced play to be even LESS of a part of Kindergarten. Some to the extent of declaring NO play.

We’ve seen the push of inappropriate academics into lower and lower grades–inappropriate due to its demand for younger children to sit still longer, have incredible fine-motor skills as they navigate “seat work”, be exposed to screens regularly despite the American Academy of Pediatrics (and many early child development professionals, teachers, and the like) saying NO or LESS or ONLY within a rich, hands-on learning experience. To have shorter, if any, recess.

Here’s what I’m hearing about and seeing as a result of play–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship based experiences–being displaced and even removed from schools:

~ 5-year-old boys being labeled ADHD because they cannot sit still at length to do this seat work being asked of them. It is normal for 5-year-old boys (and many little girls, too) to be unable to sit at length–they need to move move move. And yet, because we are demanding they SIT and have also removed much of their natural explorations via play and outdoor time (recess, dramatic play “corners”, blocks, games…), they of course are even more noticeably wiggly, distracted, “mis”-behaving, being seen as a problem and now labeled ADHD. Among other things.

~ Parents now struggling even more with their children. Think trying to get your 5 or 6-year-old to sit even MORE once they are home to do the homework they are now coming home with. Frustrations. Anger. Reactivity. Relationship depleting. Not the way to grow children excited to go to school, to learn, to be curious, creative, able to problem solve, read, etal…

~ Stress, depression, “mis” behavior increasing through the years for our children. Without the foundation of healthy living and learning, environments that support the play and exploration they need, our kids experience more and more stress on their young minds and bodies. Not a way to build for future healthy teens and adults.

~ Children labeled “behind” and needing special help if they aren’t reading when they leave Kindergarten. THIS is an entire post to be written about. Especially the HOW to “get them to read.” We’ve somehow forgotten that the average age of putting it all together reading-wise is 8. We’ve somehow forgotten that immersing them in all things literature from reading to and with them, telling stories, discovering what sparks them, giving them the respect of time and lots and lots of exposure to all things literature is often “enough.” Not always, but often. We WANT our children to WANT to read! Worth taking time to do so…

~ Teachers leaving the profession due to the continual and often detrimental choices being made by administrations that demand more and more of what many know is undermining our children’s emotional, physical, and mental health. These very teachers are the ones needed to mentor the younger teachers coming in who have often never experienced what a healthy and appropriate learning environment is for children. What it actually LOOKS like.

~ “No play” also translates to a lack of the essential and top priority social emotional growth our young children need in order to have the healthy foundation to continue through school as avid learners. THIS is essential, the social emotional–the working through feelings, friendship challenges, growing empathy and compassion, feeling meaningfully connected to others. Without this? Talk about a cracked foundation from which all else is expected to grow in solid ways.

~ Curriculum standards that are asking all teachers throughout a district to be on the exact same page in math or science or reading as every other teacher of the same grade. To expect that they can be. What a way to see our children as a mechanistic being–put in “ABC” and you’ll get out “DEF” no matter what. But they aren’t. They are humans. Sometimes they come to school hungry, sad, having lost a pet or a parent or just had nightmares and didn’t sleep or have some incredibly important story to share…and teachers WANT to be able to spend time on these important-to-children things. To pause in teaching a certain lesson at a certain time and talk about loss. Or friendships. Or listen to a child tell a story about something they saw that they are just bursting to tell. Talk about REAL and meaningful learning. Totally relationship building. And often lost in the midst of current curriculum standards.

I could go on. I often think about how test scores are driving everything, and that this translates into increasing “seat work” and decreasing or eliminating what children need plenty of time to do in order to learn well…

PLAY. Explore. Tousle. Debate. Get messy. MOVE. Create. Imagine.

Immerse themselves into play that has them feeling inspired to then draw pictures, write, tell stories, share, converse.

WANT to wait and listen because their teacher has more to tell them about something they are sparked about.

“Do” math by building with blocks, Legos, puzzles, creating patterns, counting out all the seashells, beads, bits of anything.

WANT to spend at length working on a book THEY write with their “inventive writing” and pictures and verbal telling of them.

Actually “sit still” as they get immersed in a story being read…and danced to, acted out about, discussed, laughed over.

I think about how my daughters’ first grade teacher had SO much going on in her classroom that had the kids moving around constantly (just what they needed), with hands-on experiences, lots of talk and song and activity. THEN she’d have them sit for 10-20 minutes doing “seat work”–and they COULD, because this was all it was and following so much wonderful movement. And was followed by even more “get up and go”!

I think about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and many others who excel at all things technology (which seems to be one of the reasons so much “academia” is being pushed down, for kids to be able to “keep up” with our new world)–coming from a childhood filled with PLAY and exploration. Not screens. Not “reading by age 5.”

I think a lot (probably too much, I know!). And I encourage each and every one of you to stand strong and clear in your conviction that your children need plenty of time to PLAY. To go to a school environment rich in hands on, language and sensory rich, relationship based experiences. To have every possible opportunity to be enriched from a developmentally appropriate curriculum offered in your schools.

Let your school board know what you think. Let your school district know what you want. Be proactive. Share with other parents. Find out what others are experiencing. Talk to your children’s teachers. Stand up for the health of your children, your families, our communities.

It is essential.

Thank you for listening,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Learning From Toddlers to Teens

February 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed…

…the busy Mama who paused in her cleaning up of the kitchen to include her 18-month-old son. “Do you want to help me wash the dishes?” And up he went on a stool, asking for the sponge, being given a few spoons to scrub. Down he climbed as he signed “all done,” and as Mama began to work on sweeping up the floor, she offered him the opportunity to be included. A few swipes of the very tall broom later and he decided the dust pan was what HIS job would be. He carefully laid it on the floor, Mama swept into it, toddler picked it up rather precariously–and toddled to the garbage to work at twisting his wrist in just the right way. Half of the contents landed back on the floor–!

But hey, sweeping and dust panning gets to be done all over again and at 18-months, THIS is what is fun and important to do. I so appreciated Mama’s ability to move slow enough that her son could be fully included, allowing him to grow his competent and capable self...so much learning going on!

…the Dad and two elementary-aged daughters on the airplane. Each time I passed they were working on origami, colored-pencils and an intricate coloring book, immersed in paper back books, and just hanging and talking with their Dad. I so appreciated how he provided them with creative, hands-on, way cool things to do, rather than “plugging them in” to a digital device (and oh yes, there are times traveling when this is just the right thing to do).

Think about what they learned–how to manage themselves during a long flight, how to get lost in their own thoughts and have that be all the “entertainment” they needed, how others shared with them about their own memories/experiences with folding origami, brainstormed ideas with them about what to do with their growing collection of folded items, checked out their collection of colored pencils…I noticed how, by being involved with hands-on and creative things, it rippled out to include others. Meaningful connections that brought joy. And helped the long plane ride pass far more quickly 🙂 .

…the college-aged babysitter who takes the time to delight in letters from a favorite 6-year-old–including the one that was sent with a bag of a favorite cookie that turned into “cookie dust” as a result. And how this college-aged babysitter has developed a relationship with her mail carrier–so when these chunky letters come with not enough postage, the mail carrier, who knows they come from a certain 6-year-old, pays the postage due and makes no fuss about it to the college-aged babysitter–just making sure she gets these ever-important letters. Especially the ones with amazing pictures drawn of all kinds of made-up monsters.

I so appreciate watching the relationship between these two grow–all because of letter writing, picture drawing, cookie sharing. The time they all take to connect and share is a joy to watch.

What have you noticed and appreciated recently? What has really put a smile on YOUR face today?

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Respectful Relationships Bring JOY

December 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:

~ The magic of re-connection that occurred between a young woman and her one-year-old special friend after months apart. The warmth and sparkle in the eye of the young adult as she quietly stayed close yet waited for this curious little guy to reach out to her; the way she found things to do, side-by-side with him, that engaged him–from a bowl of strawberries to exploring a book–without demanding he directly engage with her. The one-year-old’s curiosity as he studied this new-to-him person, the way he checked back to his mama to make sure all was well, and–when he was ready–the genuine reaching out of chubby little arms to his special-to-him adult, knowing without a doubt he could trust her and feel comfortable with her.

Her patience, her quiet, her willingness to engage side-by-side gave him the opportunity to decide on his own when he was ready.

What a way to deposit into a life-long relationship defined by love, warmth, and respect. What a way to bring joy to all those who watched!

~ The mom and dad at the visitor center of a national park with three children in tow–ages 5, 7, and 9. Their ability to initially engage their children in the cool things to study–bats, bugs, and all things nature–and then step back as their kids started asking questions of the ranger, showing off their bat rings, book marks, ranger badges to all of us available to ooh and ahhh.

I so appreciated how they gave their kids the space and respect to talk and share and exclaim without correction, direction, or being talked ‘for.’

The parents’ ability to listen and watch communicated such confidence to their children! The delight we got as a result of watching and engaging with them was that much more wonderful… What a way to grow capable, competent kids. What a way to encourage a future generation to be respectful and kind to our earth!

~ The mother in the grocery store with a young toddler tucked into the cart, totally engaging her little one in the process of shopping. “Let’s see…I wonder where the carrots are…” “Now we need to find our favorite cereal…” “Can you see the bread?” What a lovely way to to set the foundation for future successful store trips where she will probably enjoy an older child able to participate fully in shopping; what a lovely way to build connection between her and her daughter.

What a way to show respect–communicating “You are important, your participation is valued, I have confidence in YOU.” Totally relationship building.

Mom’s full presence to both her toddler and her list is to be appreciated, for it takes a ton of patience in the midst of a busy store. And think of all the cool things her little one was learning! What a store is about, what different things look like, how to handle tomatoes, how to twist ties on bags, what wet lettuce feels like…fabulous! I can just see all those neural pathways in her brain firing away…

Take time today to notice, appreciate, and discover joy–little or big, it all counts and expands to touch others around us. Look for the parent in the busy store who is either wonderfully engaged or stoically moving through a tantrum without (outwardly) losing it and appreciate them, quietly to yourself or out-loud to them.

Look for the sparkle between two people–better yet, create it yourself as you give another in passing a warm and genuine smile.

Notice how your child can be so incredibly focused and engaged as they concentrate on tying their shoes, building with Lego, pestering their sibling. Communicate first and foremost what is going well, what is working, what amazes you about your child, spouse, friend, co-worker, store clerk…

Decide to experience joy today–and you can. It is all around us.

With joy,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Have You Noticed?

November 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

...The snowsuit clad 3-year-old, arms spread wide, flying his way down the snowy sidewalk behind his mother and 2 dogs. He paused as we neared each other…then proceeded to demonstrate just the right noises for an airplane, passed his mother by, and banked around the corner flying his way down the path. His mother was thoroughly engaged with her son, enjoying his flying, encouraging it, and laughing her way along their ‘walk.’ Loved it. Especially her full presence to all that was unfolding…

…My friend who intentionally shared with me her observation of a 9-month-old at a basketball game. Rather than focusing on the game, she found herself enthralled with the infant who, with arms spread wide and hands wiggling back and forth, was intent on reaching a jiggling silver pom pom nearby. My friend shared how intensely focused he was, his whole body engaged in watching and reaching–you know, the wiggling arms and hands, bobbing head, bouncing legs…it brought her joy to watch, it brought me joy to hear about it. And the baby’s parents? They caught on and began to engage their son in a game of touch the pom pom and shake shake shake…and the joy spread.

…A preschooler who spent time on my floor totally involved in sorting pattern blocks, pieces of straws, and pegs into a muffin tin. Her focus and her sorting (by color) was fascinating to watch…her joy at accomplishment, followed by promptly dumping it all out into yet another container to mix and “make muffins!” put a smile on my face. And then she found my rubber maid cupboard…container after container pulled out and filled. Totally fun. Self-directed. Completely immersed in her own thoughts and ideas. Fabulous.

What have you appreciated and enjoyed of recent?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

A Boy and His Dad

August 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

Dad and twelve-year-old son. Broken (by accident) window in son’s bedroom. Oops. Glass everywhere, and the cost to fix it was going to be plenty.

You can imagine how dad COULD have reacted. How you or I might have. I know I’d probably have yelled, first…hard NOT to as you hear the crash of the window and find yourself already thinking towards the mess and the cost and the time it’ll take. So you can imagine how tempers could have flared. Dad could have lost it. It certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable…and his son? Well…he was cringing a bit for he KNEW he blew it and it WAS a total mess and dad was known to lose his cool over other incidents…

And yet...he didn’t lose it. Dad instead left his son’s room before his temper got the best of him. He headed downstairs to the garage. There he gathered up the Shop-Vac, some rags, a broom, duct tape, cardboard, and other cleanup and temporary repair items. As he lugged it all up the stairs, dad realized how much calmer he already felt. This PAUSE of leaving the scene of the mess, focusing on what he needed to gather, letting go of trying to drag his son downstairs with him worked for him. He found he was returning to his son’s room, more interested in engaging with him positively as they cleaned up the mess.

Son? Initially afraid dad was going to lose it, was instead relieved when dad returned, calm and focused. Dad leaving the room created a PAUSE for this 12-year-old enough that HE could take a breath and move from being afraid to being curious about what dad was up to…. Now son was receptive and actually eager to help with the clean-up job. And because of dad’s PAUSE, they were able to work together successfully…even with a bit of humor as they taped up cardboard, figured out measurements for window replacement, chased bits of glass around the floor.

**Now what? They felt connected. In a positive and fun kind of way. Lots of learning happened–real learning.**

The kind that has a child focused on ability and task and skill rather than how crazy upset they or their parent is. And it continued into the next day as they headed to the hardware store together to get all that was necessary for replacing the broken window. A cool learning experience and relationship building time that could have (understandably so) been a disaster.

What did Mr. 12 learn? That dad could be counted on to keep it together (and now Mr. 12 could also keep it together…), that certain things were what you needed to use to clean up broken glass, that you could use cardboard and duct tape creatively, and that this is what it takes to replace the window.

Perhaps most importantly, Mr. 12 learned that dad saw him as a capable and competent soul able to take responsibility for the choices (and results!) he made.

Awesome. THIS is the power of PAUSE and parenting with calm connection. And it ripples out in amazing ways..let it change your life. If you need help, you will find it in all three of my books–let them empower you to make truly relationship-building changes in your life.

Here’s to you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Story Time! Dancing Bears vs Dinosaur Builders…

July 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you…

A four-year-old little boy. A “toy” laptop. A library book about dinosaurs and a construction site. And me, visiting for a brief time while his dad and my husband check out some work they are doing in their house.

Out comes the laptop, on it goes, ***beep beep beep***, flashing dancing bear figures, singing the ABC’s, “talking” to Mr. Four. If you are one of my regular followers than you already know how I feel about screen technology and young children–even if it is a “toy.” So now you’ll be proud of me–I paused…

I waited and watched to see what captured Mr. Four’s attention with this “laptop.” He danced, wiggled, never really looked at the screen and the flashing images, just sort of physically reacted to it. He grinned when it said his name. He very much “showed it off” to me–“Look what I have! A laptop!” So busy looking towards ME to see how I’d react to HIM.

Now the experiment began (though I was pretty sure I knew what would happen). I reached for the dinosaur library book and began turning the pages. Quietly. Mr. Four charged right over to me, stood with legs planted firmly to the floor (where did all the wiggles go?), and began to pore over the book. We took it, page by page, with the attempt to read the story–but Mr. Four? Oh, he had other ideas.

He told ME everything that was happening, found all the funny things going on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.

He used his fingers to trace different pictures. He talked endlessly. He listened with care when I DID get to read parts of the story. When we “finished” the book he went right back to flipping the pages to find the Backhoe, the Scoop Shovel, the dinosaur with the flat bill, the favorite lunch box of the construction guys, the mustard squirting out from a sandwich…

Mr. Four was absorbed by the book.

We talked and shared and laughed. He was on his OWN time with it–deciding for himself when to turn pages, what to talk about. He was sharing HIS ideas and funny stories. We felt totally connected and wrapped up in our little world of construction sites and dinosaurs. We were discovering together.

Think about this–the contrast between the electronic device and a book.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

Mr. Four could push buttons and wiggle his body and delight in hearing the device talk to him. He had little to say about it…just sort of delighted in the entertainment of it. There may be some value in that…

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

It sparked incredible imagination. It encouraged thinking. It nurtured self-direction–a child deciding on his own what to think and do and when to do it. It was three dimensional. It was sensory and language rich–sight, touch, smell, hearing…and oh, the words and conversation it sparked!

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

And I know from many years of experience, the impact of the book ripples out in amazing ways–I remember well how my own daughters would take marker to paper and be inspired to “write” or draw their own stories…they’d take the story of the book and expand it in ways that always surprised me. Or they’d create costumes and act out the book…or become one of the characters and pretend all day long…like my eldest did when she decided she was “Skunkie” and happily “sprayed” us all day long (she was four, as well…) And then they’d pick up the book once again, snuggle down on the couch or in my lap, and want to read it all over again.

I vote for the book any time. I encourage you to do the same.

Instead of handing an electronic device over to distract your child or fill their time, consider first reading them something. Or handing them a book, instead. Or a pile of books! For now you can be sure you are supporting the growth of just what you want the most–a child whose creative, imaginative, focused and engaged, self-directed and independent soul is being nurtured in rich ways. A child whose brain is growing optimally. A child who is eager to learn.

Mr. Four and I had to be done with our story, it was time for me to go. He willingly chose two more things to find in the book–with delight and eagerness–and then his silly dinosaur self wrestled me to the door to pull on all my winter gear so I could head home. What a deposit into a warm and lovely relationship. What a difference this can make.

My story of contrast for you. May it encourage you to continue keeping the magic world of books up front and center in your home. May it remind you of all the healthy and positive growth possible as you, very simply, read with your child.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Keeping Our Children Safe

June 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Consider these…

Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.

Whew! Quick! If you haven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.

And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!

Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.

Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!

Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…

…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.

We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.

Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…

***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…

***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?

***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.

Or maybe just have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.

***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.

***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.

***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.

With HOPE and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What TO do instead of a screen?

April 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago, the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Day in the Life: Papa and Two Young Boys

March 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

Being home all day with young children can be ever-so-exhausting AND rewarding.

A story from a Papa who did just this as Mama recovered from illness. Here is his Day’s Tally with his 20-month-old and 4.5-year-old boys. Let it put a smile on your face, a nod of “Yep. That’s us!” Appreciate how FULL a day can be with seemingly little progress...

I am most certain he, once again, appreciates the work his wife does every single day as a Stay-at-home Mama 🙂 :

~ Kids bathed and dressed–woo hoo! A feat unto itself to actually be DONE in the morning.
~ Kids fed
~ Syrup and milk sodden clothes removed–ha!
~ Kids showered once again…
~ Kids dressed–again.
~ Go fish games, puzzles, making forts, being kids–PLAY time!
~ Kids are hungry – decided on grilled cheese sandwiches…YUM.
~ The youngest disappears to snuggle with Mama; Eldest says, “Let’s make pudding, first!” (Something a Papa, taking over the Stay-at-Home Parent shift, is happily willing to do!)
~ Youngest escapes Mama Snuggles to help Big Brother with that DEEE-licious pudding!
~ 3 cups worth of banana pudding hits the floor–oh those eager toddler hands… 🙂
~ Pudding sodden clothes removed and dumped in pile–who has time for laundry, anyway?!
~ New batch of pudding made–better than having everyone melt down into tears over spilled pudding…
~ Grilled cheeses finally made, kids fed
~ Cleaned bird cages–together. Hmmm. Perhaps more of a mess made before clean is had?
~ Back to building more forts, did stick-on tattoos, exhaustion creeping up–on kids, too 🙂
~ Late naps–yet naps are at least had!
~ Played in forts once again
~ Dinner thrown together…cereal? Chicken? Some bits and pieces of something?
~ Pudding and stories–oh yes, STORIES.
~ Kids Showered once again–pudding and bird cages and forts and tattoos leave one rather sticky and icky all over again.
~ Kids in bed FINALLY. Zonked in 30sec. This bedtime stuff? What a breeze…
~ Mopping the kitchen floor. About a half gallon of milk landed on the floor today between pudding and cups being set on the floor between sips, sticky cheese dripped from sandwiches, sticky pudding, too…

And finally, falling into bed himself and zonked in 30 seconds…!

A Day in the Life of a Papa and Two Little Boys…and we wonder why we can rarely get (other) things DONE.

Thank you to the Papa who shared this story!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Story Time! Two young boys…

March 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!

Two boys, ages 4 and 6. A mom who works from home. A dad who travels regularly. A new dog, a small and somewhat (!!) effective fenced yard. And a family who takes screen time and makes it minimal time. Oh, and balls. Lots and lots and lots of balls. Add in two relatively unknown visitors landing at their home–“Uncle” Mike and Alice (yup, me!). Two nights and two days and so much to appreciate!

What did I notice and appreciate?

The natural reservation of Mr. 6-year-old. Watching and absorbing these two visitors…and then discovering with total glee that “Uncle” Mike would play ball no matter the rain outside. The abundance of hugs from Mr. 4-year-old who raced outside along with his brother to bat and throw and run and laugh.

Two very different approaches and both honored and respected. No pushing for Mr. 6-year-old–he was always given time to warm up on his OWN time. Equally so was the matter-of-fact welcoming of all the hugs his brother liked to give others…no extra attention to one way of being or another. Just both accepted, respected, enjoyed. Sometimes puzzled over…

Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.

And when the ball(s) couldn’t be found? No worries. There was always another ball to use! Then there was the “toss the ball” game, way up high in the air, calling out each other’s names to run and catch and tag. A football and a soccer ball appeared next and yet another game of catch and giggles and running and wrestling matches followed. Always wrestling matches.

Indoors? It was Alice’s camera-–you know, the kind that only takes photos and has only a viewfinder? Remember those? Each boy had many-a-turn slinging the strap over their necks (“I’ll be careful, Alice!”) and working at using a viewfinder–Mr. 6 figured it out immediately and of course his favorite photo he took was of his dog’s rear end… 🙂 Fits of giggles!

Mr. 4? Oh the difficulty of squinting and viewing just through that little window at the top of the camera–yet his delight in all his photos–whether they were of the ceiling or the floor or a partial body caught accidentally as he clicked away. Never was he disappointed or frustrated--he just kept working at figuring out the view finder. Talk about persistence!

I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…

The calm nature of mom even when she was stressed and how her calm permeated everything. She works on this, by the way. It is the gift of growing your ability to PAUSE.

The space for the boys to just, well, be boys.

The simplicity of the play that always unfolded as a result of no screens. Playing catch outside, running running running, pushing toy planes around on the kitchen floor, working with my camera, and always weaving throughout their play the wrestling matches.

What a gift to these boys that Mom and Dad have intentionally kept things simple.

What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,

**creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life.** Truly capable and competent.

And yes. There are frustrations. Plenty. From “NO. I don’t WANT to” to all the NOISE of BOYS and a mama just tired of it all. From Dad still discovering that telling his 6-year-old to do something doesn’t work quite as well as asking him what he can do. Especially when they are trying to get out the door on time.

Then there was Mr. 4’s attempt to carry the dog in his kennel down the stairs. That ended in tears. And everyone, dog included, okay. But really, all that was about was his excitement in sharing their new addition, their dog, with “Uncle” Mike and Alice! Excitement and belief in his capable and competent self.

A story to hopefully put a smile on your face.To remind you of how important simple things are for kids. To encourage you a bit more in letting your child(ren) just be. To play. To have balls and sticky notes and a real camera on occasion. And to work hard at PAUSING and breathing and maybe just sitting and folding laundry as the chaos surrounds you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Seven! Such a Magic Age!

February 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.

The quick smiles, dimples included. Eye-twinkles galore. Jokes! So many…ridiculous, funny, sometimes a bit edgy as Mr. 7 tests out just what IS okay…

The home-made birthday wrapping paper with “My BEST cursive, Alice!” all over it. And a poem. Written by him! His delight in his work was probably the best gift of all…

Watching the made up card game played with a certain favorite 23-year-old. Mr. 7 “shuffled” (that took effort!), dealt, and the two of them created a game of addition that had one then the other discarding until the numbers added up to “a dollar.” They played this for half-an-hour straight. Math, turn taking, creative ideas, fine motor skills, conversation, laughter, full presence–a wonderful and magical connection. Very cool.

The perpetual motion of a 7-year-old boy. Spinning, plopping, hopping, twisting, somersaulting…and then sitting. At length. That made-up card game once again. Oh, and dessert. Let’s not forget sitting for dessert! Yum.

The “apple pie” made by Mr. 7. “Apple” because even though one thinks it is truly an apple pie, the twinkle in Mr. 7’s eyes tells you there is something amiss with that description…oh yes, it was delicious and safe to eat . It was a recipe taken from his favorite chemistry experiment cook book–and the “apple” is really Ritz crackers and lemon combined! Totally fun.

The concentration and questions asked as Mr. 7 checked out the 23-year-old’s scar and pin in her foot from foot surgery. Pretty awesome from his standpoint! The discussion the two had over the surgery process, the various metal now in that foot, the bones worked on…Mr. 7 and Ms 23. What a pair they are. Two scientists, heads bent together, discussing important-to-them things. I do believe Mr. 7 will follow in Ms 23’s footsteps…all things SCIENCE. Or at least all things DISCOVERY. How cool is that?

Oh, and Mr. 7’s description of his upcoming science fair idea! Cups, duct tape, soil, seeds…he has his experiment in mind, he has full support of his parents, he’s thought through just what HE thinks might or might not happen. His idea. Fully supported. And HE is excited. What a way to learn…to discover…to empower.

I was lost in ALL of his magic.

What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.

Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.

Totally awesome.

Today, find these magical moments. Go get lost in them a bit. Know that the chaos WILL settle and incredible learning and growth is occurring right before your eyes.

It is, quite simply, amazing.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Screen time CAN be meaningful…

February 18, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Screen time CAN be a rich learning and relationship building experience for children. In honor of Mister Rogers–truly a hero of mine–I want to share a letter I stumbled upon once again that he wrote to my daughter when she was a young preschooler and absorbed by watching Mister Rogers on TV:

“Dear Emily,

You have made this a beautiful day in our Neighborhood–with your wonderful pictures and your caring message. It was interesting to see your drawings of the horse and the person and the things you did on the piece of construction paper. It was also good to see the way you decorated your envelope and the way you did some writing on your paper. That’s such a good way to begin learning about writing.

You are growing and learning many new things every day. I’m proud of the many ways you’re growing, and I hope you are, too.

In your letter, you told me that you enjoy doing some of the things we do on our television visits. That’s good to know. I’m always glad to know that my television friends like to have their own play about the things we show. And, you have such good ideas about the things you do.

Emily, it was kind of a grownup to help you send your pictures and your message to me. You are fortunate to have a grownup who cares so much about you and about the things that are important to you.

You are special and you make each day a special day for the people who care about you–just because you’re you.

Your television friend,
Mister Rogers”

I share this to show how, when we use screen time as a launching pad for hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body play, it becomes something that can be truly worthwhile.

My daughter loved watching Mister Rogers. We limited TV watching time to 30-minutes a day (except for those days of exhaustion…then it stretched out a bit further…), and it was Mister Rogers that was always chosen. We’d watch, we’d talk about it, and following the show she nearly always went to make–in her own way–the project he did on the show. I particularly remember the rain stick she so quickly jumped up to make–a paper towel tube, tape, rice, a bit of wax paper and markers.

And as this letter shows, she took it even farther–drawing and writing to someone she cared about…and he returned with such a warm and detailed account of what she did–you can tell he truly studied her work.

How cool is that? What a deposit into a little girl’s SELF. What a way to have her focused on her abilities, on what is truly important–caring for each other.

What a way to take a screen experience and turn it into a rich

learning and growth opportunity.

You can just imagine her response as she received and opened a letter to her in the mail. The grin, the straightening of her shoulders, the prance of her feet. And you can just imagine how off she went to draw, create, write once again to her new friend, Mister Rogers–as well as to her grandmother, a card for her daddy to surprise him when he got home, and a little something for her buddy next door, too.

Letter writing! What fun and how incredibly important it can be, for it fosters creativity, imagination, story-telling, sharing, connecting with others, thinking about others, caring for others. All sparked by her connection with Mister Rogers.

I kept the letter. My daughter is now 26. And I can guarantee she remembers, warmly, her Mister Rogers times–for he does screen time right..

He builds relationships.

Here’s to you, Mister Rogers. I think of you often and see you as the role-model for all of us. I deeply appreciate who you were, how you still inspire, your understanding of what is important to grow healthy children.

You have always been and will always be a hero of mine.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All During Preschool Drop-off…

February 1, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Moments caught and enjoyed today…

…The bright eyed 3.5 year old sharing with me her “sharing bag” for preschool. “I brought my ball!! Daddy blew it up cuz it was squishy and now it is hard…” all while squeezing extra hard the round shape tucked in her preschool sharing bag. “My muscles are growing!!” And off she danced carrying her bundle down the hall, eyes all a-twinkle…

…The toddler trooping in alongside brother and friend and mama to drop them off at preschool...his head cranked backwards as he found everything BEHIND him of much greater interest then what was in front of him. Tripping, plopping, up and trooping, always always with his head turned backwards… 🙂

…The HUGS as new-found-friends are re-discovered once again, as only preschoolers can do. The DELIGHT with which they greet each other leaves one thinking it had been years…rather than a day or two!

…The papas and mamas who all stopped in front of the preschool’s info board to read to their children what was happening in class that day. “Elephant valentines!” And off they’d go musing over just what an elephant valentine might be…

…The cling-on preschooler as mama tried to extract herself...“I see a post office! Would you like to go work on some letters to mail there? Or maybe bounce on the mini tramp…” Her efforts were seemingly futile as her child continued to wrap her arms around her legs, fussing and whining…until…ZOOM a buddy went zipping by on a trike and off went the little girl to climb on another trike and join in on the driving-round-and-round fun…and mama left with a smile on HER face!

…The mama of twin toddlers who, following drop off of her older child, took the necessary moments to sit with them in the free play area and let them explore. What a delight watching them immerse themselves, mama fully present and quietly watching…and then when it really was time to go, they agreeably trotted off and out the door. Despite the fact mama had a ton of errands to run and a tight time frame, she knew by pausing long enough to give them their time, HER time would go so much better :-).

Moments caught and enjoyed as preschool drop off continued. Boots being stomped to get the fresh snow off, lots of questions and conversations shared even as parents were rushing, turns taken as every single child wanted to be the door-opener-button-pusher. What a wonderful way to start MY day…so many smiles.

Enjoy your day! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I spy!

January 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Oh the JOY of a Mr. Nearly Four:

“I spy…something BROWN!”

“Is it…square?”

“Yeeesss…” (giggle giggle)

“Are there lots of them?”

Eyes roving…twinkling…head nodding.

“I know! It’s the cupboards!!”

“YES!” Giggles taking completely over.

“I spy…something black and grey and fuzzy…”

And on the game went. And oh, the JOY of playing! I had the privilege of spending time with Mr. Nearly Four and his Soon-to-be One-year-old brother. So many “little” things noticed and appreciated…such as…

...how Mr. Nearly Four could immerse himself in all things imaginative as we were all squeezed into a small camper with (seemingly) little to do.

Like…”Alice! Did you hear that scrunching noise? What do you s’pose made it? Maybe a dragon swishing his giant tail..?” And how he wiggled himself into my lap and reflected on stories we had made up about a certain fish in his life. Stories that began nearly a year ago…oh, the DELIGHT in re-telling them! And his curious explorations of how windows opened, lights turned on, switches controlled things (and then making all of this happen!). Discovery at its best.

…how Mr. Soon-to-be One quietly studied the small, new surroundings…watched these New-To-Him people…and on his own time and in his own way connected.

Like…crawl crawl crawl the short distance from table to bed and then PEEK back to say (all by the look on his face) “Come CHASE me!” And oh! The giggles and delight over this new to him adult (me!) crawl crawl crawling right after him…catching his toes. Or how he discovered the scratchy sound he could make on the chair fabric, or how his fingers could slip under and out and under again the edge of the carpet, or how he could make the lamp move on its hinge and worked at trying to get what looked like a small ball off the lamp…to no avail…

…how Mr. Nearly Four, despite ongoing conversation between other adults in this small space, could get completely absorbed in a book being read to him. Completely absorbed. All snuggled up together in a chair… This ability to focus at length on something? What a gift. For he will need that all through school and life in order to learn and grow well.

…and how Mr. Soon-to-be One, when a small toy turtle passed right by and out of his reach, he BURST into tears, folded himself in half and let all around him know how disappointed he felt that turtle passed him by. And how his mama rubbed his back and named his feeling and let him do the crying he needed. And when turtle made his way back towards Mr. Soon-to-be One? The SMILE that spread across his face…and off he crawled to follow Mr. Turtle, examine Mr. Turtle, taste Mr. Turtle…

Oh the JOY. Of simple things. Seemingly little things.And yet, all of this? Self-discovery at its best. Growth of so many necessary abilities–focus and attention, language, imagination, problem solving, understanding and managing feelings to name a few. These “little moments?” They mean a lot. Make the most of them every chance you can, for they really grow into the big things.

They “grow into” those wonderful, close, meaningful, healthy relationships that is what we all want the most. They ARE the connection between each other that has us able to grow in all ways wonderful.

Today, relish those little moments. They count–tremendously.

Here’s to the start of a wonderful week!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Getting Lost in Lego!

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

I recently had the great pleasure and privilege of watching a two-year old get totally immersed in…

LEGO.

I know, Lego is for a bit older child. Lego is tricky to manipulate for little hands. Lego is a choking hazard. But here’s the deal, this toddler? I know him. Just as you know yours. I know what he can and cannot do and he had my full presence as he discovered the container of Lego on my shelf. Safety was not a concern. Frustration over little pieces not a concern, either, for I knew this little guy. He has always been allowed to work on his own on things his way–and frustration rarely occurs. He seems to always manage to figure things out…or ask for help when he’s ready. So Lego it was.

Lego. Not the kind that is only “in a kit” that makes certain things. I’m talking the Lego that is all jumbled together full of magical pieces and shapes and the gateway to all things imaginative and creative.

Here’s what I noticed…and so thoroughly enjoyed! We were looking for “a guy” to sit in a toy tractor I had. Down came the long plastic box of mixed up Lego. Mr. Two’s eyes got just a bit wider.

His hands went in and did just what I remembered doing as a child–swimming through all the pieces…back and forth…listening to that wonderful sound of crackles and clicks and shuffles and however Lego sounds to you. Mr. Two discovered “a guy.” This guy had a helmet on his head–“Just like Papa!” Mr Two exclaimed.

The Guy fit into the tractor…but back to that magnetic draw of a container of Lego. Swish swish went his hands. “More guys!” as he discovered other “peoples” and their various hats. Then…”A PLANE!” as he pulled out a creation built by a certain 7-year-old in my life. “No propeller…” and back into the box he swished….

Mr. Two explored and swished and worked and talked and got totally immersed and lost in this Lego for the better part of an hour.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

Real learning. REAL learning. This is so essential for our children!

Time to get lost in their play. Hands on, sensory and language rich (oh, how he was talking, using new words, asking questions, musing to himself…), relationship based (I was near and available) play.

So LEGO it is at my house. I know, without a doubt, when Mr. Two returns, he will once again seek out my container of Lego, plunk himself down, swish his way through, and do the work of a child. Including filling up that tractor we started with with all the Lego that can fit in its trailer. Now THAT is a puzzle for a two-year-old.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

Today, find the space and time to give YOUR child an opportunity to do their work. At length. Lost in and immersed and thinking their own thoughts. Hands on. What a way to build healthy brains…healthy relationships…healthy everything.

Our Children NEED Us

June 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Warning–I’m stepping up on a soap box, here–and would like to make room for you to stand beside me. (If you are a parent of a baby, this absolutely pertains to you, as well…this is where it all begins and can be changed).

It is past time to get serious.

I, and many, many others (professionals and parents alike) are hearing how incredibly HARD and overwhelming and confusing all things SCREENS has become.

We are caught between “My kids are growing up in this tech world and have to learn how to live and work in it–hence, I’m going to let him have access to all things digital”…

To…

“I just don’t know what to DO. My child won’t listen, come to the table, stop playing on his device, is often testy and even angry, and I just feel LOST in how to GET HIM TO STOP”

To…

“I’m very, very frightened.”

This, from many, MANY parents of teens (12 on up) who are depressed, anxious, suicidal. Who are addicted, lost, shut out of the family, unable to connect with others, irritable at best, suicidal at worst. The numbers have gone rocketing skyward this past decade…just as our digital device and screen use has, as well. Lots of research on this one.

This is our culture and lives as we immerse ourselves ever deeper into digital devices. We have bought into what all the makers of all things digital are feeding us. That we NEED this. And yet, not only are they the ones keeping their own children away from them, they are also the ones saying they develop these in such a way to BE addicting. That way we do need them. And we spend our money, immerse ourselves deeper, and then our need becomes addiction. Many of us have felt this pull.

Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.

We are losing our kids to all of this, too.

And many of our schools (even as teachers are expressing real concern and discontent over this) are buying into it fully. Screens are all the way down into Kindergarten, and many preschools as well. Families are handing their infants and toddlers their phone to play on…an iPad to sit in front of…remember that iPotty that was marketed for awhile? Scary.

Middle and High schools are wanting kids to bring in their smart phones–ostensibly for using as part of their classroom work–and yet, what do we know about this age group? Far more interested in peers…and this takes them to social media, porn, all things centered around what matters most to them–friends and sex and independence (from us).

**What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?**

Research for decades has shown “hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences” to be. Not sitting in front of screens at length. (And yes, screen use within a rich and diverse curriculum is an entirely different story yet a seldom heard one–probably because they become the emphasis rather than just a part).

What to do?

ASK your schools HOW they know screens are the way children learn best. Find out what they’ve noticed as a result of incorporating screens. Talk to the teachers (many of whom are equally concerned and frustrated). Ask them to SHOW you the research they are basing all this on. There is plenty of research to show otherwise.

ASK yourself how YOUR use of your phone or other devices is truly helping you build connected, respectful relationships with your children. Oh heck–with your SELF.

ASK yourself just what you want the most as you think to the future with your children–what kind of family life, what kind of relationships, what kind of LEARNER do you want to send out into the world? Then think about right now. What are you doing to support just what you hope for. What MORE can you do? And how much of it is about managing your own screen time so your children can learn to manage theirs?

ASK yourself what you need for yourself that you can stand strong and clear in saying NO to your child begging for a smart phone. NO to “but everyone else is doing it, mom!” NO to distracted interactions. NO to “just one more text, post, movie, You Tube, video game…”

Our children need us.

To feel empowered to stand for what, in our gut, we know is right and good and all things growth oriented.

To go to the teachers, schools, administrators, and any one else you can and tell them NO to all things screens in your schools.

To educate yourself on just what best practices and developmentally appropriate means for each age and stage.

To stand for the kind of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based learning environments kids do best in.

To go to EACH OTHER and support, encourage, talk. It’s going to take a serious village to get a handle on our screen use so we CAN grow in healthy ways. We need each other.

It’s going to take a village to stand up to the makers of all things tech/digital/screen and say NO we don’t NEED this in order to live and be well. That designing things in such a way they become addicting is NEVER okay.

We have to work hard at swinging our culture towards healthy living, relating, growing, thriving. It is going to take YOU. Starting today and becoming clear and intentional about what is important for you and your family. And then being the parent and standing for it. Strongly.

No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.

There is plenty of help for you. There are plenty of others walking your path. Join them. Be vocal. Share your own struggles. Come up with small steps towards balance with all things screens.

Want to explore more? Check out the Children’s Screen Time Network. Check out the link to their conference. Lots of info waiting for you there. Check out their resources. Amazing. Take a look at an article I wrote We Need to KNOW and Say NO

Let’s get the conversation and then the action going. Share right here, share on my Facebook page. Share your questions, concerns, what IS working.

Let’s help everyone become more aware and educated on what is happening, with the hope being all of you just starting out on your parenting journey will begin today, with your baby, to choose actions that strengthen connection, respect, healthy growth and development.

Okay. I’m stepping to the side of my soap box. Making room for YOU to stand alongside me.

Our children need us.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Continue…

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION. Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

Home-made play-dough!

Reading. Real books in real time. Together.

Just think what books and reading can foster…

Because he, alongside his sister, is discovering the JOY of reading.

Together. A book that has absorbed his attention. A sister and brother depositing into a life-long relationship.

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

The first option?

The second option?

The third option.

What was learned?

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.

Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.

Congratulations!

What do babies need to thrive?

What do parents strive for?

What do you need to know?

How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?

Questions to ask yourself

Toddler, Grandfather, wagon, and All Things Construction.

REAL learning. Hands on, Sensory and Language Rich,

Relationship-based, Whole Body LEARNING.

Let’s talk play. And schools. And all things essential for children to grow well and optimally, to THRIVE.

Here’s what I’m hearing about and seeing as a result of play–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship based experiences–being displaced and even removed from schools:

PLAY. Explore. Tousle. Debate. Get messy. MOVE. Create. Imagine.

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:

Decide to experience joy today–and you can. It is all around us.

Now what? They felt connected. In a positive and fun kind of way. Lots of learning happened–real learning.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

Consider these…

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!

What did I notice and appreciate?

I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…

What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,

creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life. Truly capable and competent.

I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.

What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.

Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.

What a way to take a screen experience and turn it into a rich

learning and growth opportunity.

He builds relationships.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

It is past time to get serious.

“I’m very, very frightened.”

Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.

What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?

What to do?

Our children need us.

No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

**Now what? They felt connected. In a positive and fun kind of way. Lots of learning happened–real learning.**

**creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life.** Truly capable and competent.

**What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?**