imagination

Tag: imagination

Digital Wellness in an Era of Distraction

April 11, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:

Not a big deal, right? I mean, you still glance up from your phone and smile and say, “Good job!” as your child seeks your attention as they work at something difficult or fun.

And hey, Baby is nursing away–seems like a good time to check your texts and scroll through your Facebook account. Baby is suckling away and you DO nuzzle that adorable chubby hand that finds its way up to your face.

Getting caught up in general on your phone while giving your kids the opportunity to roar around at the park makes sense, too, right? I mean, hey–they really don’t NEED you…

And isn’t it incredibly awesome how your 9-month-old knows just how to swipe your cell’s screen to change pictures?! Boy, he already knows how to work with technology!

Oh! And the App says, “Promotes Creativity in Children.” Perfect. Creativity, we all know, is essential for healthy brains. On the iPad your little one goes to manipulate pictures, watch, swipe, choose from pretty icons, squeal as it flashes “Good job! You did it right!” Or some such approval.

Okay. YES. I’m being a bit snarky. I apologize for the snarky. Every single one of the above examples we have all experienced/done in one way or another. Often, probably. Myself, included–not so much when I was a young mother since we didn’t have these devices, and definitely more so in recent years. And we do the above more so now because devices have become increasingly essential for so much of the work we do and life we live. AND…I stand by what I’m going to say next. Fully.

Our attention to our devices and the times

our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,

and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,

and emotional development.

They are undermining real and foundational learning that can translate to a child through the years having increased difficulty in school, with friends, with you, with life.

Parenting can get more difficult, you can feel greater anxiety, and yes–there is a higher likelihood for your child to experience emotional crises come teen years. Look at the research. Anxiety, depression, and suicide have rocketed up these recent years for our teens. Scary, I know.

Stay with me here.

Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional

experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.

I know this sounds both scary and perhaps maddening–you already work so hard at parenting well! I ultimately want to empower you for that is what will really start making the positive difference necessary. To empower you to become increasingly Tech Intentional so digital wellness thrives in your family.

Your Baby happily nursing while your eyes are on your phone? Baby is learning little about the natural give and take of facial expressions–truly early “conversation.” And this lovely give and take that I KNOW you are familiar with–those times you gaze at that busily nursing baby, their eyes flick open and catch your eyes. You pause. They pause. A milky smile spreads across their face. Their hand reaches up to touch your face. You continue to gaze and twinkle and talk softly–those times?

They are ESSENTIAL.

This is how a baby starts growing that strong foundation for the future. For giving them the emotional resilience and understanding necessary to navigate all ups and downs in life. For all things RELATIONSHIP. For feeling wonderfully safe and secure and able to explore their world, your face, your variety of expressions and begin to process them.

Without this connection? When it is regularly displaced by attention to a phone? It builds at best a shaky foundation from which your then older baby and young child cannot process what they need in order to understand their world. Because it is on top of a foundation weakened from too little practice with all things essential for young children.

Life is already difficult. Adding this layer of distraction makes it overwhelmingly difficult.

Your 5-year-old totally immersed in markers and paper who then pauses to show you or comment about something on his paper and you are focused on your phone…look up and say a random “good job!”? You are communicating–unintentionally–disconnect. Your child? He is learning only that his work is either “right” because you said, “good job!” or that his work isn’t important because you totally missed the boat with “good job!”

Instead, with your presence–even as you perhaps clean up the dishes while he is working with markers and paper–your ability to really hear what he says, or recognize (because you are tuned in as you bustle around the kitchen, unlike our brains on a phone–less able to tune in to those deeper needs) that he is frustrated or hopeful or expressing real MAD as he draws…

…now you actually respond in a way that makes

sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m

curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now

you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”

And you really do.

That time at the park? It can be a wonderful time to actually connect with other parents. Or not and find time to just think your own thoughts. Our brains do well with this AND stay tuned in and aware of our kids periodically looking our way for understanding, bolstering, comfort. And they do–often–look our way. Being tuned into that speaks volumes to a child. Volumes. It is how they continue to strengthen their inner selves, their emotional resilience. And it strengthens our relationships with our children.

That App that “Promotes Creativity?” Again–screen time does NOT fire away the neurons in the brain in the rich and necessary way for healthy growth. What does? Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based exploration. Exploration that allows them to use their OWN ideas. Not the movie Frozen’s idea. Not Star Wars ideas. No. Their OWN. To process, think, mull over, practice, decide for themselves just what their play is going to express and look like.

THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and

self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.

Baby knowing just how to swipe the screen? Entertaining for us and that is all it is. Confusing for a baby who is trying to understand their world and that understanding? It comes from give and take with real objects in real time. Always.

This is the bottom line–

The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.

Start TODAY in choosing otherwise for your child. Start TODAY to be intentional with your use.

Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.

Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”

Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!

Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…

Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!

Try it today. Work on YOUR use of your devices. Focus on what digital wellness can look like in your family by starting with yourself and how your intention to bring real balance in can impact the health and well-being of yourself and your children.

.

Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.

Find Alice’s books here!

Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.

You may find this clip from the Children’s Screen Time Action Network to be helpful: Young Children and Technology: Risks and Hopes

Thank you for listening. Let me know how I can help YOU.

I care.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Books, Books, and More Books!

March 7, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Story Time! Comment

This photo ALWAYS makes me happy. I like sharing it with all of you once again…(thank you to Best Beginnings and Anchorage Imagination Library)

Books, books, and more books. Reading with my girls oh-so-many years ago STILL brings me smiles, warm memories, reflection on favorite stories…(and the delicious anticipation of memories to be made as I read with a certain Mr. Nearly Three in the next few days…and those future grandchildren…)

I’m remembering…

...the piles of books on the couch and floor and shelves…remembering me falling asleep as I read out-loud: “MOM. WAKE UP. That’s NOT how the story goes…!”…

...how my young toddlers would pull to standing next to their book shelf and take the books off–plunk plunk plunk–one at a time to drop on the floor.

Then down their little chubby legs and body would go, nestled in amongst all their books, and one by one they’d pick up the books, turn the pages, talk to themselves…oh, how did I ever get anything done as I watched with delight their total immerse-ment in all things BOOK!

...how one of my young toddlers chose to always pile her books into a small box…then climb on in…and sit there, reading and reading and reading, diligently placing each book into another pile beside her as she finished. Here was my opportunity to “get something done” and yet…I’d watch her. It filled me up to watch those little hands working on the pages, the furrowed brow at times, the pointing finger and delight she’d express…how she talked to herself…

And my other young toddler how, after each book was absorbed, “read” and studied with great intent, off she’d toss it to her side until she looked much like the photo I’ve shared!

Oh yes, and how, no matter the upset, the mad, the craziness, if we just PAUSED and chose to read, everything would calm down. Really. Everything.

Reading connected us, delighted us, had us lost in our imaginations and conversation. Seeing my girls’ eyes light up as we dove into stories…watching how they so carefully learned to turn paper pages…enjoying how they, too, liked to lean down and smell the book 🙂.

And now? As twenty-somethings? They both put reading as a priority. REAL books. Audio books. Old books new books hardcover paperback children’s adults young adults. No matter. BOOKS. One taps into her 8-year-old buddy’s love of science and finds way-cool books for the two of them to explore, do experiments together, study. My other daughter gets lost in book stores tracking down favorite stories from her childhood to then read–sometimes via Skype, sometimes with a warm and real lap available–with her nearly-three-year-old Godson. How cool is that? All the reading you do NOW ripples out to deposit soundly into relationships later.

BOOKS. Go read today. WITH your child. NEXT to your child. Staying quiet as they get lost in their own book. Know that by doing so you are depositing into the growth of a healthy brain. You are depositing into the growth of a close, connected, lovely relationship. You are tapping into imagination and attention and all things crucial for learning all through life.

Another favorite BOOK post for you: Real Books, Real Learning

Go read today! Make it one of your top priorities…what a gift to all.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Our Children Need to PAUSE, Too

February 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

There are two kinds of PAUSE, you know.

So much is being shared about how our children and young adults have such increasingly high anxiety. Depression. “Mis”behavior. Problems. A real lack of well-being. Us, too, I believe. And what keeps coming up more and more is what is needed more of.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

A PAUSE. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

There are two kinds of PAUSE. At least, in the simple way of talking about it. The first kind–what I like to call “PAUSE at its Basic”–is when we are able to take that moment in a heated situation to calm ourselves down. The cool thing is how, each time we succeed and each time we reflect on where we DO pause, even unknowingly, we are exercising and strengthening our PAUSE muscle. For that is what it is, a muscle.

This is the PAUSE you are all most familiar with as you follow me…mostly because you are in the midst of all things KIDS and the chaos and challenges and conflict this brings.

And there is another kind of PAUSE. I like to call it “taking PAUSE deeper.” It happens when we have been regularly exercising our PAUSE muscle in all those heated moments. We begin to realize we’ve integrated PAUSE into our lives in all kinds of ways, slowing us down a bit, having us feeling steady despite chaos whirling around. Others comment on our calmer energy or our ability to be strong and steady, or how they feel better around us. We often feel clearer about what we are doing and want to do.

This second kind of PAUSE? THIS is what all of us need more of. Especially our children. It’s a kind of physical and emotional space. Space to muse, play, be bored, think our own thoughts, be present to ourselves, check out a bit, take care of ourselves…you name it–and it all comes down to Unscheduled Time. No matter how briefly.

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

It can…

…help our child experience their feelings–the first step to understanding, processing, and eventually managing them.

…rejuvenate and recharge our child (and us) after an upsetting or tiring experience.

…help our child learn so much more about themselves–what they like, don’t like, can or cannot do, and more.

…leave our child (and us!) feeling calmer, more centered, ultimately stronger from within. How cool is that?

…allow our kids to think their OWN thoughts. Come up with their OWN ideas. Expand on their imagination and creative selves. All so ever essential for learning all through life, doing well in school, being brain and body healthy. For growing optimally.

…foster the ever-so-important self reflection that allows our child (and us!) to productively move through any difficult experience or stage.

Unscheduled Time even includes a good night’s sleep. The kind that doesn’t include ANY screen time prior to it. The kind that is absolutely essential for our brains to rest and process and be healthy.

Unscheduled Time includes being bored. As a matter of fact, being bored is very important. Because when we give our child the respect of a PAUSE as they complain about “being bored” we actually give them the gift of self-reflection. Imagination. Creativity. Problem solving. Downtime that turns into creative and productive time.

Unscheduled Time means way less adult-directed “intervention” in our child’s play.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

Ideas for you:

Show them, when they are losing it, falling apart, mad and out of control, just what a PAUSE looks like. A time to regroup–maybe in your lap or in their room or somewhere else. A time that is way less about a “punishment” and WAY more about how to take the break necessary to calm down.

Show them that it is their job to PLAY by giving them plenty of time and space to do so. If playing on their own is difficult, then choose open-ended things to play alongside with them–play dough, Lego, coloring, kicking around outside together.

Show them how YOU take breaks. How YOU head into your room to gather yourself and calm down. How you intentionally create even a brief moment of “me time” that gives you the space you need.

Let go of what can seem like “wasted time” as your teen hangs out on their bed at length doing “nothing.”

Let go of trying to direct and control just how your child plays or what they play with and try just noticing how they busy themselves. What a way to show respect for their choices and desires.

Let go of thinking you need to plan every minute of the weekend in order to “keep it all together” or “make sure everyone gets along” or to just feel in control of what otherwise feels like total chaos.

Provide toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.

Go OUT-doors as often and as long as possible. Maybe with them, maybe all by their selves. No need to have a ton of toys and equipment available. Keep it simple. Water. Balls. Bikes. A wagon. Bucket and shovel. Dirt. Sticks. Moss. Running and climbing and building and hiding and rolling and tag and forts and OH so much to do outside!

So many ways to grow that Unscheduled Time. Even when life feels incredibly scheduled due to work, daycare, school, errands. Maybe it’s just not filling the car with digital devices and “things to do” as you run from one thing to the next. Maybe it’s keeping that 20 minutes of time and space between dinner and brushing teeth wide open with no expectations. Maybe it’s thinking ahead and having something set up on the table to entice your kids into their own world of play while you scramble to get dinner going–maybe as simple as scissors and paper. Or (my favorite) play dough. Or a few ingredients for them to have fun mixing together. Maybe it’s making Saturday morning of every weekend a hang out on the floor in jammies morning and just…hanging. No plans. At least, for the kids :-).

Today, PAUSE. Show your child how to PAUSE, as well. Give them the time and space they need in order to grow well. To be healthy, in control of themselves, feeling strong from the inside out.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What a gift to your child AND you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler!

January 31, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

~ Being the Boss of Themselves! Whether it’s preferring peanut butter and mustard sandwiches that they create, or deciding between listening to your words or losing out on something important to them (your attention, perhaps?!), being the boss of themselves is essential. And if we forget who is the boss of whom, they will remind us–exuberantly, loudly, with great emphasis. Encouraging them as their own boss is essential for growing a self-directed adult–and this means we have to let go of them always deciding to choose what we’d prefer, and following through calmly and consistently with whatever the results of their choice is.

~ Imagining and pretending…that they can jump the highest, run the fastest, be the strongest…play at length pretending to be a mommy or doctor or horse. Giving them the space and time to get lost in their imagination is a gift that will keep on giving all through their years. Encourage this today, step out of their play, and protect the uninterrupted time necessary for imagining to be the rich opportunity for growth it is.

~ Volcanic feelings! Oh the out-of-bounds, explosive, BIG feelings that burst forth so unexpectedly at times. Our ability to acknowledge and affirm them, to stay calm in their presence, and role model appropriate expression is key for helping our children learn to manage themselves. “Wow! That really made you mad. Hitting hurts. What words can you use to let her know about your mad?” We give our children the gift of a safe and secure ‘place’ to FEEL as we draw on our ability to flow calmly with their eruptions–and the safer they can feel, the more able they can learn to manage their out-of-bounds nature…and the easier it gets.

~ Creating, making, designing. Immersed in glue, tape, paper, paint, play dough, scissors, etc. Time to think their thoughts, work with their hands, get lost in the process. Admiring their handiwork when called upon-“Yes! I see how many pieces of tape you used!” “I can tell blue was the color you used the most today.” “You worked hard at putting all those pieces together with the glue…” Nothing fancy required, just time, space to make a mess, and recognition for the work they do instead of the product they produce.

~ Household chores and tasks–feeding pets, doing dishes, cooking with you, starting the laundry, sweeping, raking, weeding…simple family time can emerge from doing the mundane tasks we have each day. Preschoolers love being included…they love showing off what they can do all on their own! Take the time to slow down, include them, and know you are more likely growing a future teen wanting and willing to mow the lawn…!

~ Playing with a friend–oh how preschoolers love to be with buddies! Whether it is parallel play with little real interaction, or intense and sometimes loud sharing and negotiations. This is a time of discovery–who they are, where they belong, what is and is not theirs, what they can and cannot do. Playing with a buddy provides so many opportunities to learn about themselves! Our job? Mostly to stay out of it all. Be on the periphery, acknowledge feelings, ask questions, notice how the play ebbs and flows from involved and intense to quiet. It’ll get messy, loud, hurtful, joyous. Let go of judging it, be curious and observant, and stay calm and matter-of-fact when the explosive behavior and feelings erupt…and now you are truly supporting the early stages of true friendship.

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

It’s in the simple moments…

Another preschool article for you: Preschoolers–Hang on for the Ride!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Favorite Way to Play!

November 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

Looking for (digital-free) ways to play? Here’s one of my favorites…

Home-made play-dough!

(Recipe at end of post 🙂

)

Good for toddlers through teens (ever given a group of teens play-dough to have fun with??)…no need to provide anything else, initially–just warm, off the stove, home-made play-dough to poke, squish, pound, flatten, roll, stack, pinch, and squish all over again!

Want to lengthen and evolve the play? Try adding a butter knife for cutting and pieces of drinking straws (we like to cut them into 1 inch pieces or so…). Toothpicks for older than toddler are fun, too. Porcupines made, candles to be blown out, little holes and circles made to decorate.

Add a spatula and a plate for serving up Play Dough Cake! Or Play Dough Pizza… 🙂 Cookie cutters are fun, too.

Our daughters loved collecting a few of their small plastic animals and making animal play dough parades…walking their toy critters across play-dough for guessing “Whose foot prints are THOSE, Mommy?!”

Or squishing play-dough saddles on top of each critter…or making nests and “beds” for them to sleep in. Add a small muffin tin and then the play starts all over again–filling, making pies, cupcakes, or rolling little pieces of play-dough into balls and filling each muffin tin.

So much learned and experienced as your child squishes and pounds and plays. Creativity and focused attention nurtured; getting lost in their own imagination–something key for healthy growth; small motor skills encouraged; math galore as they help you measure and mix, as they fill and empty and add and lengthen and cut and shorten; feelings soothed; truly a hands on, sensory rich experience that truly grows healthy brains!

When done? Just plop it all into a ziplock bag or other airtight container and save for the next time Play-Dough Fun is to be had!

Enjoy! My favorite play-dough–especially when first off the stove and warm!

Here’s to you today as you look for ways to play…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Story Time! Dear Papa

October 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Dear Papa,

I AM amazing. Just like you said about me last night. I heard you and it made my feet seem to march just a bit faster and my knees go a bit higher. Look at all I can do!

I can ring the doorbell and know you will answer, wondering “Who’s coming to MY door???” And I KNOW you will smile at me and invite me in and then when I march right back outside and shut the door, I KNOW you will wait ’til I ring once again and start all over!

I can climb up into my seat at the table–all by myself–-and KNOW that you will stand near, ask me if I want help, and hear my “I can do it all by myself!” and then let me.

I can play my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.

I can wait. At least, more and more often. It’s hard, you know, waiting. You tell me how patient I am and it helps me try harder when really I don’t WANT to be patient and wait. But I can count on you. I can count on you to always finish the big important stuff YOU do and then come join ME. This helps me be patient and wait. Even when it’s extra hard…

I can tell when I’m sleepy tired. I can ask when we are at our friend’s house, “Is it time to go?” Cuz if it IS I need to run to the potty and then gather up a fuzzy blanket to snuggle with in my car seat. Because I KNOW what feels good when I’m sleepy tired. And you never try to MAKE me “go to sleep”–you just help me let sleep come. My way. That’s how I know a fuzzy blanket helps…

I can CLIMB. Oh so high! I know how to find good handholds and places for my toes. I know, because you have always let me–with you near by–figure out this climbing deal. I like how you ask me questions about where my feet can go or if I can see that handhold right up to my left. I like that, because I can then TELL you know I AM capable and you feel confident about ME. That’s super wonderful, by the way. To feel YOUR confidence in what I’m learning about.

I can cry when I’m hurt or sad. You let me. I like that. I like knowing you will ask if I need your company. I like knowing that I can count on your arms and lap making a safe place for me to feel better–on my time instead of yours. I like that YOU wait–did you know YOU are patient, too? You wait until I’m ready. That always makes me feel better faster and ready to try things again. You know what? I REALLY like that, even if ice for an owie would help me, if I say NO you go with my NO. I’m learning and you let me.

I CAN. I can do so, so much and I AM amazing. I am an amazing ME because you and Mama help me in just the right ways. I love you. Like Daniel Tiger says, “Ugga-mugga!”

Thank you for being my Papa. And be sure to tell Mama cuz she thinks I’m amazing, too!

Love,
Your Nearly Three Year Old

Alice–the one who gets to watch all this magic…
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Real Books, Real Learning

October 12, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Ahhhh….the JOY of books and reading! A friend shared this photo so I could share it with all of you. Isn’t it lovely? Can you just put yourself there, stretched out alongside another, poring over and getting lost in a really good book?

Simple. Lovely. And it stands out to me–which is a mixed bag of feelings, right now. It stands out, because instead of this being the norm these days, it is screens that we often see in front of a child or adult.

And screens? They are here to stay AND it is our responsibility to make sure they are used wisely. Which translates to SELDOM in the early years, and as our children grow as a tool that is just a PART of truly hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based experiences. For that is key for growing well.

Reading. Real books in real time. Together.

So much is fostered! So much more than what screens alone can do. Just think–truly sensory and language rich–touching and turning and flipping through pages, smelling (oh yes! Books can be fun to bury our noses in…), listening, looking, talking about and studying and noticing, and yes…if you have a baby…tasting .

Screens? One dimensional. Far more about swiping and tapping and “making something happen.” Far less about conversation, rich language, imagination, focus and attention and musing and getting lost in your own thoughts and…I could go on and on….

Just think what books and reading can foster…

...LANGUAGE. Conversation. Imagination. Curiosity. Understanding. Focus and attention. A way to make sense of the world, a way to feel affirmed, a way to learn something new. A way to understand yourself. Rich diversity of WORDS that help with comprehension and language skills and all things absolutely key for schooling.

…Connection with each other–-physically and emotionally. On laps. Stretched out on the grass. Snuggled. In a circle. On a bed. Laughing, crying, poring over illustrations and talking talking talking. Or not. Maybe just listening. Now that’s an important skill! This connection? It is powerful.

…Alone time immersed in another world of your own imagination as you read words and “see” in your minds eye just what YOU want. Or absorb the illustration and consider just what might happen next…or what would it be like to…or isn’t that picture just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen…or I wonder or how about or could you do that…or or or…

...All things BRAINY. Reading a REAL book, in our hands, turning pages back and forth, touching, smelling, passing back and forth, studying words and pictures–talk about MAJOR neural connections firing away in the brain. Absolutely necessary for healthy brain growth and incredibly STRONG foundation for all learning to come.

And then I think about how books foster things like…hiding under covers with a flashlight and a good paperback story that then ends up on your face as you fall sound asleep. Page corners turned down, pages flipped to as you try to remember something or share a passage or just re-read, piles made and moved and changed and re-organized, a chance to underline and write in and take notes in columns, book covers and binders to run your hands over, think about, enjoy the art, fan out the book, ruffle the pages, fill a bookshelf, empty a bookshelf (rather like my girls when toddlers and teens!).

Seemingly little things, I know. And yet they bring a richness to an experience that is essential for our growth and wellness in life. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

And you know what this all comes down to? Building relationships. Look at this photo! A sister reading to her brother–both absorbed in something absolutely wonderful that leaves them feeling truly connected. Sister practicing her skill at reading. Sharing her love for books with her brother who is finding out how wonderful listening and absorbing stories can be. You can bet, as he grows, he’ll be clamoring for a pile of books for himself.

Because he, alongside his sister, is discovering the JOY of reading.

Together. A book that has absorbed his attention. A sister and brother depositing into a life-long relationship.

Go read this weekend. Offer up piles of books. Head to your library. Read and re-read the favorite book. Throw a blanket over a table and give your child a flashlight and a few books. Sit and read for yourself. Watch how your child immerses themselves differently in a real book versus a screen. Because they do. And it is important.

Enjoy. And make reading books with your children a priority…and check out another article all about books right here.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s (Not) Ask Google

October 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

I wrote this piece after viewing a television commercial of a father and child poring over a book together. The commercial was promoting the use of technology to create/enhance a warm and meaningful connection for the parent and child. Yet I believe using technology in this way takes away much more than it gives:

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

Child: “Daddy, what do whales sound like?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Google, what does a whale sound like?”

Google: “Blue whales have many sounds…”

Child: “Do whales sleep?”

Dad: “Google...” (As heard and interpreted from a commercial)

You know, it is pretty fun, being able to “ask Google” or Alexis or “whomever” your technology offers up. It’s fun, even enlightening at times, finding out these answers. It can create more conversation and enjoyment in the moment. Certainly it can bring people together as they enjoy trying out this technology and even using it to expand their knowledge and maybe then using this knowledge to understand and explore even further.

And yet…here’s the deal…

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

Just think–as you quickly look to the fast and “right” answer, there is less conversation, less musing, less curiosity encouraged. Imagination is limited, real and lengthy problem solving challenged. There is less need for a stronger attention span, a desire to understand beyond the answer; and less opportunity to truly CONNECT.

Let’s save those quick answers as much as possible when we are exploring/reading/talking with our child. Instead, let’s:

Ask our child, “I wonder…how big do YOU suppose a blue whale is?” “Maybe as big as…a mouse? A house?” Giggles and eye-twinkles. Maybe you ask, “Can you show me how BIG a whale might be??” And down onto the floor your child goes, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g arms and legs out as far as can be…”WOW. Now THAT is big. I bet you ARE a whale!”

Muse, “I think a whale might sound like…a DOG!” “Noooo, daddy…whales don’t sound like a DOG. I think they sound like…” And on you go back and forth, conversing, sharing, imagining, laughing, connecting. Maybe pretending to be many different animals and the play extends way beyond whales…

Be curious, “You know, I always wondered if they sleep…how do you suppose we can find out?” “Ummm…go find a whale and ask?” “Oooh…where can we find a whale?” “I know! Under my bed!” And off you two go to look under the bed, talk to the pretend whale, both snuggle and imagine you are a pair of whales taking a snooze…

Foster creativity and imagination–to let go of the “right” answer and go with creative ones that take you down a much richer, more colorful road to discovery.

Immerse your child in hands-on , sensory and language rich, relationship-based learning—use our bodies and minds and imagination to come up with what WE think. Our child’s ideas encouraged, honored, enjoyed. Such confidence in our child’s ability to learn that is communicated!

Practice problem solving—the kind that has your child digging into other resources, asking more questions, growing their competent and capable self–all so key for all things learning through life. Problem solving that takes patience, curiosity, time…the kind that strengthens us from the inside-out.

And then there is CONNECTION—true, meaningful, lovely, wonder-filled, light-hearted, curious connection. One filled with conversation and discovery. One that speaks of confidence in your child’s ability to learn…to figure things out…to ask questions and know they will be listened to. Connection that says “Your ideas are important! You can count on me to join alongside you as we work to discover together. Taking time to explore is fun! Look at all we can do together as we figure out answers…” What a way to deposit into a healthy relationship.

So leave Google and Alexis for the occasional quick answer. Let that be fun now and again. And instead–deposit richly into your child by letting their questions lead you both down a path of exploration and discovery that truly grows a healthy brain and amazing relationship. You and your child are worth the extra time this takes.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Appreciating Play

April 1, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed…

~ The parents of a young toddler who, instead of getting the markers he wanted to join in on coloring like his older sister, asked, “Would you like to go choose your own colors?” And down he climbed oh-so-carefully from the tall stool, pushed and shoved it all the way across the kitchen floor, climbed back up and reached the markers he wanted…climbed back down with them clutched in his hand and proceeded to push and shove the stool back across the floor to the counter where coloring was taking place.

Mom and dad? They watched, stayed near in case of tumbles, and communicated such confidence in his ability to take charge of himself. Fabulous!

~ The same parents who have chosen to flow with the energy of toddler and preschooler coloring style–you know, the kind where the edges of the paper aren’t really the edge of the coloring? When markers slide right off to decorate the surface the paper is on? These parents have chosen to only provide dry erase markers–easily wiped off of the counter.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

And lots of damp paper towels given for clean up–again, confidence communicated in their ability to be in charge of themselves. How cool is that?

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–kitty food! His full engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending…all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Enjoy your children today. Notice what they can do just for themselves that puts a smile on your face. Give them opportunities to really be in charge of themselves; give them the time and space to just be.

It is worth it.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Ways to Play, Toddler Style

December 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Important ways to play, toddler-style (and thoroughly enjoyed by me a while back)…

…dumping each and every stuffed guy, pillow, and book OFF the mattress onto the floor…hauling each and every blanket over the edge and piled on top of the stuffed guys, pillows, and books. Crawling across the mattress to drag up and off the sheet…totally immersed, furrowed eyebrows, concentration, oh so many body contortions with reaching and crawling and climbing and rolling to accomplish freeing the bed of all items!

…musing over the piles on the floor and then choosing a certain lady-bug pillow to plunk back UP on the mattress, crawling back to the edge to get a fist-full of the purple sheet and dragging it back ONTO the mattress, working the toddler-sized body to fit directly ON the lady-bug pillow and pull the sheet up over the body, tucked under the chin, eyes squeezed shut…sort of…and thinking. Talking quietly. No interruption from a parent or caregiver. Oh so much work practicing “going to sleep” can be!

...studying slugs with real concentration. Leaning o-v-e-r the flower box and discovering little tiny slugs with wiggling antenna crawling and sliming across the dirt to eat eat eat the flowers. Oh the discovery! The laughter as one…no, TWO were found climbing UP the flower box…the gently poking finger, the nibble on the leaf to see just what it is slugs like about those green plants…and the great big BLAH that followed! Just think of all the learning!

…climbing up the slippery, wet, grassy hill to spin around and PLOP down onto his back and lay ever so still as he takes in the WET of the grass, the sky he suddenly sees, the bird sounds all around…then UP again to repeat this very routine–climbing, spinning, plopping, freezing perfectly still. Over and over and over…soaking wet pants, muddy feet and hands and face…and total pleasure over being entirely in charge of what his body does…

…peek-a-boo! In and out of the set of closet beads…delighting each time in surprising the present adult with him, relishing being able to count on the adult being there, practicing over and over again the ever important ability to separate…

…and then the stories! Made up and very real and wonderful stories told Toddler Style with hand motions, words, sounds. All about dogs sneaking the cat’s food and dogs silly enough to actually try and eat a bee (STING! O-u-c-h goes the dog and BLECH as Mr. Bee escapes from the mouth…) and important people to this certain toddler writing him postcards with even more stories to think about, laugh over, delight in, and repeat…over and over and over again. Conversation, imagination, incredible THINKING fostered.

And then run off to FIND the post card to talk about it all over again . Young children LOVE getting real mail!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

Work that seems uninteresting and maybe boring to adults but is ESSENTIAL for toddlers. Work that has them thinking, discovering, moving, struggling, strengthening, feeling, talking, imagining, conversing, choosing. Work that requires us to step back, stay quiet, observe. To know just when to say something, just when to respect their space.

Work that grows a healthy brain, ready to learn; a body ready to live well; a soul in touch with who they are and how they tick. Work that a toddler needs plenty of time to engage in. Plenty.

Enjoy your little one today. Delight in what they are discovering about their world, their bodies, their thoughts and feelings. Notice how they do things over and over again. Pay attention to the thinking they are doing–especially when you intentionally stay quiet to just watch. See all the growth happening right in front of you as they explore their world in meaningful-to-them ways.

And let it put a real smile on your face!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Boxes! Play! REAL Learning.

October 19, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.

I remember my 15-month-old would fill a small box with all her books then climb in and read and read and read. When we went to work at my husband’s fishing site in remote Alaska, all we took was a small box and a pile of books. She immediately set about filling her box with her books, settled herself in the midst of them all, and “read.” To this day, 28 years later, she is an avid reader, though seldom from within a box… 🙂

I remember our friends who built a “Cardboard Condo” that actually was collapsed and moved to their new house, it was such a favorite play thing for their preschoolers. A combination of multiple sized boxes, a bit of duct-tape, and presto! The favorite place to be and a magnet for all the little buddies who came to play. What a way to encourage self-direction, creativity, and imagination--as seen from afar as play changed from being Knights Sword Fighting to Daddies and Mommies and House to “I Bet You Can’t Find Me!”

I remember the refrigerator sized boxes we cut doors and windows in–let the play begin! We often put baskets of markers and crayons inside for them to color the walls, flashlights and books for reading in the dark, and a variety of buddies from stuffed kitty to stick horse that seemed to find their way in and back out–often stuffed right through the windows with peals of laughter over such a funny way to come and go. As the interest in the box waned…we switched up what they discovered inside it. Oh how much fun we all had! A wonderful way to create the kind of play that allows Mom and Dad to get work done around the house… 🙂

I know a family of a young toddler who has a wonderful box conglomeration in their living room–first set up when their son was a crawling baby and they gave him the opportunity to learn a bit about going through something, around something, in something, playing peek-a-boo from something. Now they’ve added tubes and balls and the play expands! So many concepts being learned in just the right way–PLAY.

One box, after intense play, was flattened and turned into a map of roads for all our toy cars–the 4 and 7-year old kids in my care busy driving driving driving all around it. The 4-year-old boy was intent on parking and navigating the “roads” with cars, and his 7-year-old sister was busy creating “houses” and “people” for the cars to come to! All with markers and toy cars, sprawled on top of this flattened chunk of cardboard, completely engrossed in their own imaginings. Ever so essential for all things growth and learning!

Shoe box mailboxes and slot mailboxes were added to the box forts in our living room–now my girls “wrote” letters, folded and folded and folded them, sealed them into a make-shift envelope or a real one and mailed them–endlessly. And happily UN-folded them to read each day! So much incredible learning available through a simple box. We had fun writing them letters for them to discover in their cardboard house mailboxes…and to this day? 25 years later? They write US, friends, each other, grandparents–REAL letters and postcards. What a way to nurture close and meaningful relationships.

I know a little boy who decided a smaller box was HIS quiet place. He’d climb in with his special guy and blanket whenever he needed time to just be. He’d sit there watching all the play around him, quite content. In his box. Lovely. This, in the midst of a small and busy daycare center. The really cool thing? Everyone respected the space he needed and defined for himself.

What a way to help him grow into that capable, confident boy who knows how to manage himself and all his needs well.

And I know a family of a preschooler and infant who have extended their box house into the most magnificent “castle” of hidey-holes and windows and buckets on pulleys and balls and drawbridges that has all kinds of play and joy and quiet time and snack time and pretending to be a post-office time emerging from this castle. Oh! And coloring and writing all over the walls, inside and out. Play that has them totally absorbed in what THEY are doing. Play that includes parents. Play that makes room for buddies and ideas and individual space and conflict and negotiations…on and on and on.

Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.

Totally awesome! And all it takes is a box or two or three or…

BOXES. Fantastic!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Simple Pleasures…

April 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

…the two young babies sitting on their individual parent’s laps at a public play place…and watching them catch each other’s eye and SPARKLE at each other! Their smiles and full body wiggles and total delight in discovering each other was a joy to see. Watching the two parents notice and appreciate how their young babies interacted was equally delighted in

…the Papa who “flew” his 5-month-old chasing his 4-year-old around this play place. What was noticed was the baby’s obvious joy in all things CHASE (especially after a favorite and familiar sibling…). What was appreciated was how the Papa “flew” gently, checking in with baby regularly to be sure this game was as delighted by him as it was his 4-year-old brother!

…the group of 7-9-year-olds at a campground–roaring around on their bikes, calling out to each other, “watch me watch me!” as they did wheelies over mounds of dirt and skidded around their feet as they braked…their presence to each other, their energy, their loudly contested “NO, it was only your FRONT wheel that got air!” or “Uh uh! BOTH my wheels got air!”...all enjoyed by me as I appreciated the outdoor time and freedom to just be 7, 8, and 9-years-old

…the same group of kids gathered at the end of the dock early one morning, fishing poles in hand, jostling each other, watching intently over the edge, sharing “fish” stories that seemed to get bigger and grander with each telling…

…the 8-year-old girl totally immersed in playing in a bit of sand…all by herself…digging, piling, now and again glancing up to see what other kids were doing…then back to her sand creations. Immersed, lost in her play, no one telling her what or how to do anything.

I so enjoyed and appreciated the time and space all of these children had to just be KIDS.

To play, explore, get lost in thought, delight in each other. To be self-directed and imaginative. No adults obviously in the mix. Around, yes. Aware, yes. But totally out of the way…

...giving way for just what kids need lots of–free, non-adult-directed PLAY. Even the infants were given the opportunity to respectfully and with great joy experience one another.

THIS is relationship building.

Lovely. Here’s to all of you perhaps caught up in the craziness of daily life–pause for a moment and take a look around. Notice what you can appreciate right now. And notice how it feels to do so!

If you enjoy “Noticed and Appreciated” stories, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/07/noticed-and-appreciated-so-much-learning/

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

So Many Ways To Play!

March 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I was so discouraged by an article in the NYTimes with a pediatrician putting a stamp of approval on way more screen time right now, as we live through our pandemic and all the restrictions, demands, chaos, CHANGE it requires.. There is SO much more we can do! Saving screen use for when you are truly at the end of your rope keeps it where it needs to stay–minimal, balanced, managed. It is clear to me PLAY needs to come to the forefront once again.

Ideas for indoor PLAY for you:

…make an obstacle course via furniture, pillows, whatever you want, and challenge your kids to it. Or rather, set your kids off to make one for YOU! Or for each other. Hand over a timer for them to see how fast they can navigate it…or how slow…or by crawling or going backwards or…

…bring that wading pool indoors–empty, of course–and then put a tub in the middle of it filled with whatever you like–water, sand, beans, dirt, snow. Add something to dig with or fill or wash and you have wonderful “messy” play contained in that wading pool.

…piles of cushions, add a few chairs, maybe a table and you have fort making material! A blanket or two, maybe a great big cardboard box or multiple small ones. So much play emerges from these! Forts are for hiding in, playing in, curling up with a pile of books within.

…pull out dress-up clothes! Remember those? Shoes, boots, hats, capes, aprons, dresses. Or maybe give them paper bags and tape and let them create their own, as our girls’ often did.

…strip your kids down (or not), let them use their tempera (washable!) paints in the bathtub. Our girls loved to stand in the tub and cover the tile and tub with all kinds of designs and colors…then all you have to do is turn on the water and presto! It all goes down the drain. Though if your kids are like mine, they’ll first fill the tub with water and watch it turn brown with all the colors mixed, languish a bit, then watch it swish down the drain. Showers follow! Oh the fun!

…make a pot of playdough and add some butter knives, cut-up straws, toy animals. Or put a selection of ingredients like baking soda, vinegar, cereal bits, flour, old seasonings and water on a tray on the table and let them mix and create.

…set up the camping tent in the middle of the room. Add a few flashlights and sleeping bags and step back. Watch the play that emerges! Maybe the next day a saucepan, spoon and snacks are added for “cooking” over a “campfire.”

…take time after kids are asleep to uniquely set up some of their toys–we used to take all their plastic animals and make them parade somewhere unusual…and when our kids discovered them the next day, it triggered so much imaginative play!

…another tub fun is shaving cream…:-)

…include your children in whatever needs to get done–cooking, cleaning, laundry. Children often willingly want to mix, sort, scrub, “play” in the soapy dish water.

…BOOKS! Read read read read read. MUSIC! Sing, dance, hop, jump, twirl. Audio books!!! Listen and delight together (or let them on their own).

…hand over pencil and paper and maybe a few envelopes and get the letter writing started. Or maybe just markers and scissors and glue. Take a shoebox and cut a slit in the top and declare it to be your mailbox–let your kids mail you wonderful little bits of things they make!

…pull out games. Board games, card games, marble games, jump-roping games, made up games.

…stuffed animals, dolls, puppets, a puppet show! Get the pretend doctor kit out (or let your kids create their own) and take care of sick stuffed guys.

…use that shoebox as the start of a play-kit–maybe make it a medical one or maybe one for creating something fun. Add glue, tape, popsicle sticks perhaps, whatever you’ve got that kids can create with. If you go medical theme, add bandaids, cotton balls, pretend medicine, whatever you can think of (or they think of). Theme up a box and let the exploration and fun unfold.

...bake, cook, create recipes. Set your kids up to make their own snacks and lunches so you don’t have to.

…Lego, blocks, puzzles, duplos, dollhouses, dolls. Face painting! We loved setting up a mirror low enough for kids, giving them facepaint, and being oh-so-surprised with what they created on themselves!

…and yes, OUTDOORS. Go outside as much as possible, even if it just in your yard or around the block. The outdoors offers endless play–from watching clouds, to following critter footprints in the snow, to splashing in puddles, swinging, climbing, playing tag, building forts, sledding, taking a walk…use a real camera, hand over a magnifying glass, ride bikes…

There are so many things to do! I hope you’ll share your ideas here, as well. Everyone needs encouragement as we find ourselves more and more sequestered at or near home. Screen-time does not have to be the default, for (as many of you know) the more we use it, the harder our job gets. So let’s focus on healthy PLAY.

And remember…take time for YOU, in little bits if that’s all you can do. Breathe deeply. Enjoy your favorite hot drink. Stand extra long in a hot shower. Pause and just watch as your child is engrossed in play.

Here’s to all of you during this crazy time!

Respectfully and with JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

What Have You Noticed?

November 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

...The snowsuit clad 3-year-old, arms spread wide, flying his way down the snowy sidewalk behind his mother and 2 dogs. He paused as we neared each other…then proceeded to demonstrate just the right noises for an airplane, passed his mother by, and banked around the corner flying his way down the path. His mother was thoroughly engaged with her son, enjoying his flying, encouraging it, and laughing her way along their ‘walk.’ Loved it. Especially her full presence to all that was unfolding…

…My friend who intentionally shared with me her observation of a 9-month-old at a basketball game. Rather than focusing on the game, she found herself enthralled with the infant who, with arms spread wide and hands wiggling back and forth, was intent on reaching a jiggling silver pom pom nearby. My friend shared how intensely focused he was, his whole body engaged in watching and reaching–you know, the wiggling arms and hands, bobbing head, bouncing legs…it brought her joy to watch, it brought me joy to hear about it. And the baby’s parents? They caught on and began to engage their son in a game of touch the pom pom and shake shake shake…and the joy spread.

…A preschooler who spent time on my floor totally involved in sorting pattern blocks, pieces of straws, and pegs into a muffin tin. Her focus and her sorting (by color) was fascinating to watch…her joy at accomplishment, followed by promptly dumping it all out into yet another container to mix and “make muffins!” put a smile on my face. And then she found my rubber maid cupboard…container after container pulled out and filled. Totally fun. Self-directed. Completely immersed in her own thoughts and ideas. Fabulous.

What have you appreciated and enjoyed of recent?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Moments of Real Connection

October 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

…A certain 7-year-old TOTALLY enthralled with both his magnifying glass and his microscope and the way cool innards of bugs looks and anything else he can possibly collect and examine. Some things not to be mentioned for they might just gross you out. Ha.

…The 8-year-old who dug into his pockets and came up with a penny for another little boy to participate in the coin toss into the spiral tube. The first little boy had no more coins and was disappointed…the 8-year-old, totally unrelated and with his own family, noticed–and then, on his own, came over and helped. This ability to observe and be helpful and kind is simply lovely. And it happens often–and is easy to miss if WE don’t take the time to notice, ourselves…

…A certain 23-month-old whose story telling leaves the rest of us completely enthralled–his eyes light up, he signs and verbalizes and expresses with incredible gusto. The latest story? “Papa” (verbalized) along with the sign for BOAT, demonstrating with great emphasis how Papa carried it over his head with his friend…how friend said “DROP” (verbalized with inclusion of arms swinging down and knees a-bouncing) and “Papa” (verbalized) DROPPED the boat (signed)…Then great chuckles and falling on the floor just like the boat fell down. Oh the stories! Oh the story telling! What joy.

…The 20-something-year-old sisters tearing up with each other as they had to part ways for another six months. The joy this spreads through my heart as I watch them love each other is incredible. Especially knowing how many very tumultuous years they had as they fought their way through clothing/bathroom/hurt feeling wars..

…The teen-aged boy who noticed the fascination of a toddler as he and his friends played catch. This teen? He came on over to Mr. Toddler, knelt down, and asked, “Would you like to play ball with us?” Mr. Toddler paused…looked at his Mama who smiled at him…looked back at the teen and nodded with his whole body . Off they went together to play catch…what a kind and respectful interaction…how cool that a teenager noticed AND offered…and followed through so respectfully. Fun!

...The 5-year-old who is always “out striping” a favorite adult friend. Striped undies, striped t-shirt covered by striped long sleeve shirt. Pants with stripes up the sides, socks with stripes, and then (of course!) face paint stripes on tummies and faces! Oh the JOY of comparing stripes with his grown-up friend…counting, laughing, finding even more hidden in patterns on shirts.

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

These moments can get missed so easily as we rush around in our busy and full lives. Take time today to PAUSE…observe…and SEE them. Or better yet, find yourself in the midst of a moment that leaves you feeling wonderfully connected with another.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Importance of PLAY!

September 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What can you do for your child that can…

…improve their focused attention?

…help them be content without your constant attention?!

…support and grow their ability to succeed in school?

…spark their imagination and curiosity?

…productively and more likely positively negotiate with others?

…problem solve their way through many a struggle?

It really is quite simple…

PLAY.

The very BEST kind–uninterrupted, plenty of time, non-adult directed, few to no screens, outdoors when possible, indoors with open ended “toys” that perhaps aren’t toys at all. Natural items, for sure. Dolls. Blocks. Crayons. Paint. Play dough. Boxes! BOOKS. Flashlights…Forts! Lego. Leaf piles to JUMP in! Puddles to splash. Pretend pretend pretend.

EXPLORATION.

Asking questions, being curious, wondering wondering wondering, looking and finding and wondering all over again. Testing, trying, struggling, failing, testing, trying once again. Getting dirty. Getting clean. Running hopping skipping biking triking skateboarding dancing–what ELSE can I make my body DO?! Sitting. Thinking. Musing over ideas. Being bored! Mixing and pouring and baking…tasting and tweaking and sharing.

CREATIVITY.

Imagination, ideas galore, dress up, costumes, arts and crafts. Glue! Tape. What can I make today? Blankets and tables to make forts. Pillow mountains! Sticks and rocks and moss become little Elf Houses. Games! Made up ones. Board ones. Card ones. Secret Clubs. Friends and instruments and a band! Watching clouds. Whispering together. Writing letters, plays, stories. More arts and crafts–designing, beading, sketching, sewing, knitting, quilting.

TIME.

Just think of all that is learned! Collaboration. Problem solving. Ability to focus–at LENGTH!

Self-direction…just what is needed to become a responsible, successful adult. “My ideas are valued and respected.” “I am a capable and competent person!”

Large and fine motor skills fully developing. Language and conversation and comprehension expands exponentially! “I am a creative person!” “I can DO this!” “I am listened to and heard.”

Self-regulation–“I know how and what I feel and need; I know how to manage that well!” Independence! “I’m in charge of ME and I am responsible for ME.”

So SO much is learned when we give our children the space and time to do what they do best. PLAY.

Play. Exploration. Creativity. Give your child the gift of TIME.

They deserve it and so do you.

Enjoy!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Story Time! Dancing Bears vs Dinosaur Builders…

July 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you…

A four-year-old little boy. A “toy” laptop. A library book about dinosaurs and a construction site. And me, visiting for a brief time while his dad and my husband check out some work they are doing in their house.

Out comes the laptop, on it goes, ***beep beep beep***, flashing dancing bear figures, singing the ABC’s, “talking” to Mr. Four. If you are one of my regular followers than you already know how I feel about screen technology and young children–even if it is a “toy.” So now you’ll be proud of me–I paused…

I waited and watched to see what captured Mr. Four’s attention with this “laptop.” He danced, wiggled, never really looked at the screen and the flashing images, just sort of physically reacted to it. He grinned when it said his name. He very much “showed it off” to me–“Look what I have! A laptop!” So busy looking towards ME to see how I’d react to HIM.

Now the experiment began (though I was pretty sure I knew what would happen). I reached for the dinosaur library book and began turning the pages. Quietly. Mr. Four charged right over to me, stood with legs planted firmly to the floor (where did all the wiggles go?), and began to pore over the book. We took it, page by page, with the attempt to read the story–but Mr. Four? Oh, he had other ideas.

He told ME everything that was happening, found all the funny things going on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.

He used his fingers to trace different pictures. He talked endlessly. He listened with care when I DID get to read parts of the story. When we “finished” the book he went right back to flipping the pages to find the Backhoe, the Scoop Shovel, the dinosaur with the flat bill, the favorite lunch box of the construction guys, the mustard squirting out from a sandwich…

Mr. Four was absorbed by the book.

We talked and shared and laughed. He was on his OWN time with it–deciding for himself when to turn pages, what to talk about. He was sharing HIS ideas and funny stories. We felt totally connected and wrapped up in our little world of construction sites and dinosaurs. We were discovering together.

Think about this–the contrast between the electronic device and a book.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

Mr. Four could push buttons and wiggle his body and delight in hearing the device talk to him. He had little to say about it…just sort of delighted in the entertainment of it. There may be some value in that…

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

It sparked incredible imagination. It encouraged thinking. It nurtured self-direction–a child deciding on his own what to think and do and when to do it. It was three dimensional. It was sensory and language rich–sight, touch, smell, hearing…and oh, the words and conversation it sparked!

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

And I know from many years of experience, the impact of the book ripples out in amazing ways–I remember well how my own daughters would take marker to paper and be inspired to “write” or draw their own stories…they’d take the story of the book and expand it in ways that always surprised me. Or they’d create costumes and act out the book…or become one of the characters and pretend all day long…like my eldest did when she decided she was “Skunkie” and happily “sprayed” us all day long (she was four, as well…) And then they’d pick up the book once again, snuggle down on the couch or in my lap, and want to read it all over again.

I vote for the book any time. I encourage you to do the same.

Instead of handing an electronic device over to distract your child or fill their time, consider first reading them something. Or handing them a book, instead. Or a pile of books! For now you can be sure you are supporting the growth of just what you want the most–a child whose creative, imaginative, focused and engaged, self-directed and independent soul is being nurtured in rich ways. A child whose brain is growing optimally. A child who is eager to learn.

Mr. Four and I had to be done with our story, it was time for me to go. He willingly chose two more things to find in the book–with delight and eagerness–and then his silly dinosaur self wrestled me to the door to pull on all my winter gear so I could head home. What a deposit into a warm and lovely relationship. What a difference this can make.

My story of contrast for you. May it encourage you to continue keeping the magic world of books up front and center in your home. May it remind you of all the healthy and positive growth possible as you, very simply, read with your child.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

What Happens to Childhood?

March 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

What happens to childhood when we are constantly

filming (and posting) our kids’ every antic?

I so appreciate this article: Their Tube: When every moment of childhood can be recorded and shared, what happens to childhood?

Aside from the marketing directed at kids (something very disturbing and deserves real scrutiny and discretion), this is a trend I believe can have real negative repercussions when done as a way of life. And YES it is also completely understandable because we truly love watching our kids and all their antics and want to share with friends and family so they won’t miss out…and yet…

I think so much can be lost. Here’s why:

~ It means we, the adults–instead of simply observing (and soaking it up!)–are distracted by OUR screen as we work at filming our kids, and often taking time to then share on social media. When this is our norm–filming everything–our attention to our device rather than being fully present to our child can communicate to our kids that it is the device and “all those out there” that are most important. Probably not what any of us intend.

~ It means our children are more focused “out there.” Focused on all those potential viewers OR on just seeing themselves doing something “on camera.” Which, by the way, IS totally fun–yet when it’s the norm, their play is getting constantly interrupted and directed less by what they like, feel, imagine, create and way more by how those “out there” may respond, may like, may want.

In order to grow well, our kids need lots of

time and opportunity to tune into their feelings, ideas, thoughts, how their body feels–discovering who THEY are as individuals, rather than who they think they need to be for the attention and “likes” and accolades of online life.

~ Our kids are distracted. Instead of getting lost in their play, in their own imagination and ideas; instead of staying focused at length (so very very necessary for all things learning and success through life), they are constantly stopping their play to “watch themselves” or check the “likes”, or seeing if they are doing what it is they saw another doing on-line in just the “right way.” They are constantly interrupting their own thought process to check in on “out there.” What a way to undermine exactly what is needed to learn–ability to focus and attend at LENGTH. To imagine. To create. To fire from the inside-out.

~ Our kids are more caught up in “staging” their play (or copying another’s idea) rather than getting lost in their OWN ideas and feeling good about them. Our kids are learning their self-worth depends on the attention they get from “out there” rather than from the inside-out–something we want to avoid, especially as we think about those teen years and how important it is for our teens to feel their self-worth comes from inside themselves rather than turning to peers for constant approval. Especially when those peers are pushing for sex or drugs or alcohol.

PAUSE today. Consider stepping

away from filming and recording. Try observing in”real time”

for a while. Give your children the opportunity to just

be themselves FOR themselves.

What a way to communicate confidence in who they are; that they are important and valued as they are. Encourage lengthy play time to be creative and imaginative.

And when you do quietly record them? Make it special. A treat. Then put your phone away and let them get on with their play. And just think! Now you have a story to share with friends and family, rather than a video. And stories? They can be rich and meaningful when shared. Talk about using OUR imagination, too!

Childhood is meant for this. To play, explore, do a child’s work--without needing constant attention and what they see as “approval” from all those viewers “out there.” Or to get all their ideas from another.

Go play today! Un-distracted. Creatively. At length. And enjoy. What a gift to your children AND to their childhood.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Story Time! Two young boys…

March 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!

Two boys, ages 4 and 6. A mom who works from home. A dad who travels regularly. A new dog, a small and somewhat (!!) effective fenced yard. And a family who takes screen time and makes it minimal time. Oh, and balls. Lots and lots and lots of balls. Add in two relatively unknown visitors landing at their home–“Uncle” Mike and Alice (yup, me!). Two nights and two days and so much to appreciate!

What did I notice and appreciate?

The natural reservation of Mr. 6-year-old. Watching and absorbing these two visitors…and then discovering with total glee that “Uncle” Mike would play ball no matter the rain outside. The abundance of hugs from Mr. 4-year-old who raced outside along with his brother to bat and throw and run and laugh.

Two very different approaches and both honored and respected. No pushing for Mr. 6-year-old–he was always given time to warm up on his OWN time. Equally so was the matter-of-fact welcoming of all the hugs his brother liked to give others…no extra attention to one way of being or another. Just both accepted, respected, enjoyed. Sometimes puzzled over…

Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.

And when the ball(s) couldn’t be found? No worries. There was always another ball to use! Then there was the “toss the ball” game, way up high in the air, calling out each other’s names to run and catch and tag. A football and a soccer ball appeared next and yet another game of catch and giggles and running and wrestling matches followed. Always wrestling matches.

Indoors? It was Alice’s camera-–you know, the kind that only takes photos and has only a viewfinder? Remember those? Each boy had many-a-turn slinging the strap over their necks (“I’ll be careful, Alice!”) and working at using a viewfinder–Mr. 6 figured it out immediately and of course his favorite photo he took was of his dog’s rear end… 🙂 Fits of giggles!

Mr. 4? Oh the difficulty of squinting and viewing just through that little window at the top of the camera–yet his delight in all his photos–whether they were of the ceiling or the floor or a partial body caught accidentally as he clicked away. Never was he disappointed or frustrated--he just kept working at figuring out the view finder. Talk about persistence!

I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…

The calm nature of mom even when she was stressed and how her calm permeated everything. She works on this, by the way. It is the gift of growing your ability to PAUSE.

The space for the boys to just, well, be boys.

The simplicity of the play that always unfolded as a result of no screens. Playing catch outside, running running running, pushing toy planes around on the kitchen floor, working with my camera, and always weaving throughout their play the wrestling matches.

What a gift to these boys that Mom and Dad have intentionally kept things simple.

What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,

**creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life.** Truly capable and competent.

And yes. There are frustrations. Plenty. From “NO. I don’t WANT to” to all the NOISE of BOYS and a mama just tired of it all. From Dad still discovering that telling his 6-year-old to do something doesn’t work quite as well as asking him what he can do. Especially when they are trying to get out the door on time.

Then there was Mr. 4’s attempt to carry the dog in his kennel down the stairs. That ended in tears. And everyone, dog included, okay. But really, all that was about was his excitement in sharing their new addition, their dog, with “Uncle” Mike and Alice! Excitement and belief in his capable and competent self.

A story to hopefully put a smile on your face.To remind you of how important simple things are for kids. To encourage you a bit more in letting your child(ren) just be. To play. To have balls and sticky notes and a real camera on occasion. And to work hard at PAUSING and breathing and maybe just sitting and folding laundry as the chaos surrounds you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Seven! Such a Magic Age!

February 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.

The quick smiles, dimples included. Eye-twinkles galore. Jokes! So many…ridiculous, funny, sometimes a bit edgy as Mr. 7 tests out just what IS okay…

The home-made birthday wrapping paper with “My BEST cursive, Alice!” all over it. And a poem. Written by him! His delight in his work was probably the best gift of all…

Watching the made up card game played with a certain favorite 23-year-old. Mr. 7 “shuffled” (that took effort!), dealt, and the two of them created a game of addition that had one then the other discarding until the numbers added up to “a dollar.” They played this for half-an-hour straight. Math, turn taking, creative ideas, fine motor skills, conversation, laughter, full presence–a wonderful and magical connection. Very cool.

The perpetual motion of a 7-year-old boy. Spinning, plopping, hopping, twisting, somersaulting…and then sitting. At length. That made-up card game once again. Oh, and dessert. Let’s not forget sitting for dessert! Yum.

The “apple pie” made by Mr. 7. “Apple” because even though one thinks it is truly an apple pie, the twinkle in Mr. 7’s eyes tells you there is something amiss with that description…oh yes, it was delicious and safe to eat . It was a recipe taken from his favorite chemistry experiment cook book–and the “apple” is really Ritz crackers and lemon combined! Totally fun.

The concentration and questions asked as Mr. 7 checked out the 23-year-old’s scar and pin in her foot from foot surgery. Pretty awesome from his standpoint! The discussion the two had over the surgery process, the various metal now in that foot, the bones worked on…Mr. 7 and Ms 23. What a pair they are. Two scientists, heads bent together, discussing important-to-them things. I do believe Mr. 7 will follow in Ms 23’s footsteps…all things SCIENCE. Or at least all things DISCOVERY. How cool is that?

Oh, and Mr. 7’s description of his upcoming science fair idea! Cups, duct tape, soil, seeds…he has his experiment in mind, he has full support of his parents, he’s thought through just what HE thinks might or might not happen. His idea. Fully supported. And HE is excited. What a way to learn…to discover…to empower.

I was lost in ALL of his magic.

What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.

Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.

Totally awesome.

Today, find these magical moments. Go get lost in them a bit. Know that the chaos WILL settle and incredible learning and growth is occurring right before your eyes.

It is, quite simply, amazing.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Mr. Three and STRONG Muscles!

January 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Mr. Three-year-old; a well-worn mini-trampoline; a backyard; clouds; a present adult (me).

That’s all. Here’s what I want to share–the simplicity of things, the value of SPACE to BE, what can unfold when that is all there is–the outdoors, a mini-tramp, and a few clouds.

Mr. Three: “I have STRONG muscles!” (as he jump jump jumps). “WATCH me RUN!” And off he jumps, running across the leaf and stick strewn back yard, pumping his arms back and forth…

Then ZIP! He turns and pumps his arms and churns his legs right on back towards me…

…and then Ker-PLOPS onto the ground. “I am TIRED. I need MORE muscles!”

Me: “How do you get more muscles?!”

Mr. Three: “Like THIS!” And onto the tramp and jump jump jump he goes singing, “Bumpity, bumpity, bump. I’m on a camel’s hump!” Then OFF he jumps and says, “WATCH! Now I have more MUSCLES!”

The running game continues…until…”I’m thirsty. I need more milk to get more muscles…” Off I go to get some milk, I return to find Mr. Three sitting on the mini-tramp staring upwards into the sky…

Mr. Three: “Alice, the clouds are MOVING. LOOK!”

We both stared up for a while, quietly enjoying the clouds blowing across the sky.

Me: “Where do you suppose they are going?”

Mr. Three pauses…considers…then his eyes light up and he says, “To ENGLAND! To visit EMILY and BECKY!” Two of his favorite adults who happen to be in the UK right now… 🙂

And then back to watching the clouds move “because they have strong muscles, too.”

That’s all. Simple. Lovely. Space to be, think, watch, move, consider, share, laugh. It warmed my heart. It filled my bucket. It deposited a bit more into a lovely relationship with a certain special Mr. Three-year-old.

Today, keep it simple. Listen. Watch. Enjoy.

No need to fill “empty” space. No need to supply toys or

playthings or “corrections” or even ideas.

Just take a moment to BE with your certain special person, listening and watching and thoroughly enjoying.

What a lovely way to begin your day and the inevitable chaos and craziness and BUSY it gets filled with.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I spy!

January 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Oh the JOY of a Mr. Nearly Four:

“I spy…something BROWN!”

“Is it…square?”

“Yeeesss…” (giggle giggle)

“Are there lots of them?”

Eyes roving…twinkling…head nodding.

“I know! It’s the cupboards!!”

“YES!” Giggles taking completely over.

“I spy…something black and grey and fuzzy…”

And on the game went. And oh, the JOY of playing! I had the privilege of spending time with Mr. Nearly Four and his Soon-to-be One-year-old brother. So many “little” things noticed and appreciated…such as…

...how Mr. Nearly Four could immerse himself in all things imaginative as we were all squeezed into a small camper with (seemingly) little to do.

Like…”Alice! Did you hear that scrunching noise? What do you s’pose made it? Maybe a dragon swishing his giant tail..?” And how he wiggled himself into my lap and reflected on stories we had made up about a certain fish in his life. Stories that began nearly a year ago…oh, the DELIGHT in re-telling them! And his curious explorations of how windows opened, lights turned on, switches controlled things (and then making all of this happen!). Discovery at its best.

…how Mr. Soon-to-be One quietly studied the small, new surroundings…watched these New-To-Him people…and on his own time and in his own way connected.

Like…crawl crawl crawl the short distance from table to bed and then PEEK back to say (all by the look on his face) “Come CHASE me!” And oh! The giggles and delight over this new to him adult (me!) crawl crawl crawling right after him…catching his toes. Or how he discovered the scratchy sound he could make on the chair fabric, or how his fingers could slip under and out and under again the edge of the carpet, or how he could make the lamp move on its hinge and worked at trying to get what looked like a small ball off the lamp…to no avail…

…how Mr. Nearly Four, despite ongoing conversation between other adults in this small space, could get completely absorbed in a book being read to him. Completely absorbed. All snuggled up together in a chair… This ability to focus at length on something? What a gift. For he will need that all through school and life in order to learn and grow well.

…and how Mr. Soon-to-be One, when a small toy turtle passed right by and out of his reach, he BURST into tears, folded himself in half and let all around him know how disappointed he felt that turtle passed him by. And how his mama rubbed his back and named his feeling and let him do the crying he needed. And when turtle made his way back towards Mr. Soon-to-be One? The SMILE that spread across his face…and off he crawled to follow Mr. Turtle, examine Mr. Turtle, taste Mr. Turtle…

Oh the JOY. Of simple things. Seemingly little things.And yet, all of this? Self-discovery at its best. Growth of so many necessary abilities–focus and attention, language, imagination, problem solving, understanding and managing feelings to name a few. These “little moments?” They mean a lot. Make the most of them every chance you can, for they really grow into the big things.

They “grow into” those wonderful, close, meaningful, healthy relationships that is what we all want the most. They ARE the connection between each other that has us able to grow in all ways wonderful.

Today, relish those little moments. They count–tremendously.

Here’s to the start of a wonderful week!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Remember Postcards?

November 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

Distance. From your children or grandchildren or other special little (and big!) ones in your life. Maybe due to traveling at length for work or pleasure, or a divorce and shared (or not so shared) custody, or living far far away, or…

Distance. It can be tough. When we feel the distance we often feel less connected. And isn’t it connection we all want?

Maybe you worry a bit (or a lot) about your relationship with your child or other special little and big one in your life because you can’t be together as much as you’d like. That real and meaningful connection you want? It is hard to get.

Enter in all things technology. It has been a blessing in so many ways for it allows us TO connect even when we are far away. You Skype, often! Now your favorite little and big ones can see your face, hear you, leave your heart filled and probably a bit achy since you still can’t REALLY be with them. You text. Often through the day to feel that connection, to check in, to let them know you care, to share a funny story, to encourage. Or maybe you just call and chat over the phone, or Face Time, since we can, now.

And yet with all this desire to be connected and use technology’s latest and greatest, I believe we are missing something very important. Something that can grow relationships in rich and meaningful and lasting ways.

It’s called mail.

Postcards. Letters. Packages. Mail–sent the “old fashioned” way. Slowly–or not so slowly with overnight-ing ability. Postcards that share a picture and a quick story. Letters that are filled with adventures and thoughts and love. Packages that delight upon opening with all the little surprises tucked inside.

It surprises me as I talk to more and more grandparents who bemoan living far away from their grandchildren AND light up when they say they get to Skype them regularly…yet have never even considered writing to them.

Here’s the deal. Those postcards and letters? They can do far more for building relationships and creating meaningful connection then any screen technology can.

Maybe not immediately–like screens can–but long term. Over time.

Just the way relationships are meant to be grown.

Think about this. When you write a postcard to a young child in your life, they get to open the mail box. Find a physical item just from YOU inside it. Have their mama or papa read it to them. Study the photo and writing. Hold it, bend it, hide it, hang it, re-read it over and over and over again.

On your next Skype you get to talk about it and it becomes a tangible item they can hold and refer to as you, perhaps, extend the story you told on the postcard into your Skype time. Then if you are really lucky, as I have been, you get to go VISIT your special little one IN PERSON and have your heart filled as they lead you into their bedroom and show you the PILE of postcards and letters they’ve received and go through them all over again. Stories shared, joy felt, giggles and laughter and sorting and piling and flipping and thumb-tacking and folding…all over again.

And if you are writing an older child? Maybe less “hands on” action with that letter or postcard, and yet the same impact. Something received that can be held, read, deciphered if it is in “chicken scratch” as my writing can look, picked up and read again, tucked in a journal or drawer or folded and put into a pocket to be saved for later. Referred to, elaborated upon, saved.

You can’t do that with Skype or Face Time or Zoom.

Both my daughters received postcards and letters and packages from grandparents and other special people in their lives–all through their childhood. You know what is especially cherished–now that their G’mom passed away? The literal albums of cards they kept from her–that’s how they decided to save them, in albums. That’s how important they have been to them. They return to them, relish them, relive them. And because of this, they now write their own special buddies often–and those special buddies? Now aged 4 and 9? Even though they rarely see my daughters, they have relationships that run deep. That are truly meaningful and full of stories and memories and experiences. And it is the postcards and letters and packages that have magnified all of this. Created it!

And the cool thing? These buddies in their lives write THEM. Paper and cards and tape and markers come out. Imagination and creativity fostered. Letters practiced. Stories told. Stamps picked out. Envelopes licked. Post offices visited to drop the mail in. And then the excitement over just WHEN those cards will be received. Oh the JOY. And of course, awaiting the letter or card bound to come back to them :-).

All from REAL mail.

Try it today. Write a quick note. Share a funny story about what you saw a squirrel do out your window. Tell something about the recipe you tried and how it ended up being rather…not so good! Mention the snow that fell and how you want to do snow angels soon. Share about a tough job or ideas for the next time you will be together or tell a joke.

Maybe just draw a quick picture, add a few stickers, and send it off. Postcards are great for they can inspire a story. And children of ALL ages enjoy stories.

And now that distance you feel? It can be cherished for you are filling it with real and meaningful CONNECTION that builds relationships in lovely ways. That ache you feel? It is warmed a bit as you discover inside your mailbox a letter written to YOU. Now you get to hold, relish, savor, read, tuck away, save. To bring out once again as you need to warm your heart all over again.

Go write. I promise you will discover a richness and joy that might just catch you by surprise. And it will totally DELIGHT whomever you write to!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Getting Lost in Lego!

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

I recently had the great pleasure and privilege of watching a two-year old get totally immersed in…

LEGO.

I know, Lego is for a bit older child. Lego is tricky to manipulate for little hands. Lego is a choking hazard. But here’s the deal, this toddler? I know him. Just as you know yours. I know what he can and cannot do and he had my full presence as he discovered the container of Lego on my shelf. Safety was not a concern. Frustration over little pieces not a concern, either, for I knew this little guy. He has always been allowed to work on his own on things his way–and frustration rarely occurs. He seems to always manage to figure things out…or ask for help when he’s ready. So Lego it was.

Lego. Not the kind that is only “in a kit” that makes certain things. I’m talking the Lego that is all jumbled together full of magical pieces and shapes and the gateway to all things imaginative and creative.

Here’s what I noticed…and so thoroughly enjoyed! We were looking for “a guy” to sit in a toy tractor I had. Down came the long plastic box of mixed up Lego. Mr. Two’s eyes got just a bit wider.

His hands went in and did just what I remembered doing as a child–swimming through all the pieces…back and forth…listening to that wonderful sound of crackles and clicks and shuffles and however Lego sounds to you. Mr. Two discovered “a guy.” This guy had a helmet on his head–“Just like Papa!” Mr Two exclaimed.

The Guy fit into the tractor…but back to that magnetic draw of a container of Lego. Swish swish went his hands. “More guys!” as he discovered other “peoples” and their various hats. Then…”A PLANE!” as he pulled out a creation built by a certain 7-year-old in my life. “No propeller…” and back into the box he swished….

Mr. Two explored and swished and worked and talked and got totally immersed and lost in this Lego for the better part of an hour.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

Real learning. REAL learning. This is so essential for our children!

Time to get lost in their play. Hands on, sensory and language rich (oh, how he was talking, using new words, asking questions, musing to himself…), relationship based (I was near and available) play.

So LEGO it is at my house. I know, without a doubt, when Mr. Two returns, he will once again seek out my container of Lego, plunk himself down, swish his way through, and do the work of a child. Including filling up that tractor we started with with all the Lego that can fit in its trailer. Now THAT is a puzzle for a two-year-old.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

Today, find the space and time to give YOUR child an opportunity to do their work. At length. Lost in and immersed and thinking their own thoughts. Hands on. What a way to build healthy brains…healthy relationships…healthy everything.

That Scary Stick Horse…

September 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and ever so enjoyed:

~ The gentle and respectful introduction of a scary and at times noisy stick-horse (you know, those yard long sticks with a big furry head on top, then add squeezing the ears for a “trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound?) to a certain 15-month-old in my life. Watching his Mama first ask her little guy if he’d like to see the horse and ***pausing*** as she waited for him to mull it over. And mull he did. He’d had a startling experience once upon a time with this very same Scary Horse, and he’d been quite wary of it since. Mama continued to PAUSE and wait quietly.

Toddler looked at her, the Scary Horse, and back to her and proceeded to BOUNCE up and down.

“You would like to see the horse!” And then Mama s-l-o-w-l-y brought Scary Horse closer, watching with care.

Concern spread across toddler’s face, Mama slowed down further.

“You’re not sure how close you’d like him to come,” she said.

Relief spread across this little guy’s face. He relaxed and Scary Horse came all the way over and out stretched the toddler’s hand to touch the soft face. Now he even wanted to hear the “trot trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound–as long as Mr. Horse was moving BACK to where he belonged in the corner of a room. What a wonderfully respectful way to grow confidence in a little guy. He was in charge of what he felt and Mama respected this. He was communicating clearly, and Mama respected this. I bet next time he is just a bit more comfortable with Mr. Horse, for he is no longer Scary Horse!

~ The first grader who shared his new deck of Pokeman cards with a favorite adult. Despite a fun movie (Inside Out!) being enjoyed together, it was the Pokeman cards that were number one in his life–he spent the entire movie laying out the cards on the floor in rows of ten, talking constantly about each one, what they meant, and then ordering them by how they “evolve.” Now and then he’d pause, climb up next to his adult and snuggle, with a few cards in hand to talk about, all the while watching the movie and saying “I won’t tell you what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but…” and on he’d go with what happens! Then off the couch to re-organize his cards once again…The perpetual motion, the curiosity, the imagination, the conversation…oh, the fun! Having the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with a 6.5 year old is something to cherish…

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–YUM! Kitty food! On and on he scrambled around the house, mewing and purring and if he’d had a tail, it would have been happily swishing away!

His total engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending...all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be. To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy! This kitty can come play at my house any time :-).

Take time today to notice and appreciate. Whether it is a parent working hard at keeping it together or a child’s antics that put a smile on your face, or a moment caught between parent and child that leaves you feeling a bit of real joy. Notice and appreciate, for what we focus on grows.

Enjoy!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Elementary Kids!

May 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Elementary kids! Busy, busy, busy. You AND them!

Their world opens up and their capable, competent selves settle into a wonderful rhythm.

Your elementary child is ready to:

~ Conquer all forms of game playing! Board games, playground games, made up games. Expect hotly contested ideas, notice how lots of energy is put into the forming of a game or team…and at times never actually played! Your child is taking hold of and getting better at problem solving, creativity, negotiations, understanding and building friendships. Our job? To be sure and give them the time and space and freedom to get immersed in all forms of games (child-led especially in the earlier years…formal team opportunities later…)

~ Manage their schoolwork. This capability builds through elementary years–and is fostered by having an environment conducive to homework and parents able to balance helping and stepping back. Kids want to take ownership of their work and show how capable they can be! Mistakes and all. Our job? To provide the space and time and SNACKS to do the work, be available when help is asked for, encourage and ask questions…and create the healthy balance that at times homework interrupts and displaces…

~ Make mistakes and struggle. No need to fix or rescue! Just be there to walk through the tough experience with them respectfully and with your confidence in them—and watch their capable, competent selves expand in amazing ways. Do so in these years and you help them build the ‘muscle’ necessary for success with harder struggles later. And your muscle at stepping back and walking alongside grows stronger—just in time for the teen years

~ Explore a wide variety of interests at their own pace. A truly industrious period—able to take an idea, formulate a plan of action, and follow through, whether building forts, collecting favorite items, doing a school project, a play they create with a friend. Crafts and games are favorites and exemplify just what they are growing their competence in—independent, creative thought and action.

~ Build real and lasting friendships. Learning what makes a good friend includes hurt feelings, disappointment, feeling left out…as well as joy, energy, amazing ideas. Sad parts grow compassion and empathy; joyful parts help a child identify what it is they really like in a friendship. Our job? Allow all experiences, for they help grow an individual ready to be a truly great friend to others. And keep our problem solving selves on the side line so feelings really can be respected, felt, figured out

Enjoy them, for in the blink of an eye they will be teens and then adults and off on their own adventures…hopefully still wanting to join YOU in a game or adventure!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Our attention to our devices and the times

our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,

and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,

and emotional development.

Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional

experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.

…now you actually respond in a way that makes

sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m

curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now

you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”

And you really do.

THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and

self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.

The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.

.

Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

Home-made play-dough!

Reading. Real books in real time. Together.

Just think what books and reading can foster…

Because he, alongside his sister, is discovering the JOY of reading.

Together. A book that has absorbed his attention. A sister and brother depositing into a life-long relationship.

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.

Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

THIS is relationship building.

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

What can you do for your child that can…

PLAY.

EXPLORATION.

CREATIVITY.

TIME.

Play. Exploration. Creativity. Give your child the gift of TIME.

They deserve it and so do you.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

What happens to childhood when we are constantly

filming (and posting) our kids’ every antic?

In order to grow well, our kids need lots of

time and opportunity to tune into their feelings, ideas, thoughts, how their body feels–discovering who THEY are as individuals, rather than who they think they need to be for the attention and “likes” and accolades of online life.

PAUSE today. Consider stepping

away from filming and recording. Try observing in”real time”

for a while. Give your children the opportunity to just

be themselves FOR themselves.

A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!

What did I notice and appreciate?

I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…

What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,

creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life. Truly capable and competent.

I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.

What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.

Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.

No need to fill “empty” space. No need to supply toys or

playthings or “corrections” or even ideas.

Distance. It can be tough. When we feel the distance we often feel less connected. And isn’t it connection we all want?

It’s called mail.

Just the way relationships are meant to be grown.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

What a gift to a child.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

**creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life.** Truly capable and competent.