Mister Rogers exemplifies much of what I think many of us want more of; and it seems to me we all need to work at putting our attention to the good, kind, respectful especially in the seemingly continual turmoil of life around us.
One (many!) of the very cool and awesome things about Mister Rogers was his clear, consistent, passionate self. He spoke to and acted upon all that he knew to be true.
His words were more than words, for he LIVED them.
In all that he did.
We, too, can do the same. What we focus on grows. Today, look for and BE kindness. Appreciation. Respect. Show your child what that looks like. Tell your child when you see him or her being kind and respectful. Notice how they show their appreciation. Practice showing them yours.
Maybe it is the way they play alongside their friend, chatting away, and how you mention how much fun you see them having. Or that you appreciate how they remembered to feed their pet without a reminder.
Maybe it is how they stopped their busy selves to really pay attention to what you had to say. Or that they said a spontaneous, “Thank you!” Something to appreciate, for sure!
Maybe you noticed how they pausedto reach down and gently pet the kitty. Or watched with delight how their baby brother blew bubbles from his mouth! Maybe the way they SIGHED heavily over the kind of project their teacher assigned AND still rolled up their sleeves and did it. Appreciate. All of it.
Maybe it is appreciating, out-loud, that despite their full speed ahead selves, they remembered to shut the door on their way out, or buckled their seat-belt, or actually SAT for a whole minute to scarf down their dinner .
Or maybe you just pause in your busy day and really look at your child. Send him love in your minds-eye, smile a bit, and watch. That’s respectful, you know, just watching. Or maybe kindness, appreciation and respect is about giving yourself a break. Time to chill. A bit of self-care. That can go a long way…
Today, tomorrow, next week–every day–strive to live the way Mister Rogers did. Be intentional with the words you choose, the thoughts you think, and the way you decide to behave. It counts. All of it. Our children are watching, learning, and absorbing.
Find Alice’s books here!
Fill them with the kindness, appreciation, and respect necessary for living well. Our world will be blessed.
I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.
How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFreeand HalRunkel for “Keep Your Promises”)
How often do you find yourself saying:
…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.
…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”
…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…
…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it istheir responsibilityto decide how we are going to feel and behave…
…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!
…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).
…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.
…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.
What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.
Try this, instead. PAUSEbefore responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.
Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;
the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.
And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.
Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.
What does this require from us?
PAUSING.
Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.
Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.
Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.”“You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”
What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.
Find Alice’s books here!
Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.
He was, always has been, and continues to be a hero of mine, a hero of many of yours, a definite hero of children. I have turned to him over the years to be reminded of, encouraged and inspired by his quiet, calm reassurance. I have always seen him as a person to aspire to. He is a man of integrity. He spoke and lived with the respectful presence and quiet certainty that has, can, and will hopefully continue to change our world in powerful ways.
I know for some, his slower way of speaking is difficult to listen to. We make jokes about it, we feel a tad uncomfortable at times, we stop listening as a result.
If you haven’t seen when he spoke at a Senate hearing:
It speaks (yes, slowly) VOLUMES of how, when we PAUSE and really, truly listen, we can change the world. Mister Rogers did at this Senate hearing; he does still, years after his passing. Despite many of us being uncomfortable with his way of being.
Mister Rogers was a pro when it came to feelings–and being comfortable in all feelings–yours, mine, his. Hence, despite many adults feeling odd around his slow, measured self–he has made the kind of positive impact that is expanding in infinite ways.
He can be a lesson in patience. He can be the role-model for the kind of authenticity we need more of. He can show all of us what can be deeply meaningful and important for any and all relationships. We can chuckle about it. We can look the other way. And yet, Mister Rogers? He stays steady and certain in all that is Right and Good for children. For us.
I am grateful he is, long after his passing, becoming a shining example of the love, light, and goodness so essential for living well.
“…each child, if you truly listen to him or her, is a universe of thought and feeling and what we owe every one of them is to hear who, exactly, they are. That’s how you build a sane society.” (Mister Rogers)
“He is needed because of his quiet calm reassurance, love and how he helps you manage your feelings–even hard ones like anger, fear, and grief.” (Reviewer)
“…if we make feelings mentionable and manageable…(a child can have) the good feeling of control…” (Mister Rogers)
“.. .it’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you. The greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they are loved and capable of loving.” (Mister Rogers)
“…it is essential for us to make ‘goodness’ a foundation.”
(Mister Rogers)
Thank you, Mister Rogers, for continuing to radiate the love, light, compassion, and genuine care we all need more of. May we all be lifted so we can lift others along our way.
For that is what this really is all about–growing
ourselves in such a way we can be the one to lift another in times of need; to be the one receptive to another’s care and compassion so we can be lifted.
You know, it really does take a village of caring neighbors.
I find myself increasingly tired. Feeling discouraged and worried. Even DONE.
Tired of holding up the half-full cup and looking for and sharing joy and appreciation and the evidence that things are changing in life-affirming ways around us. Discouraged by what often seems a lack of real change even though I know real change takes the respect of time. Worried, too. Worried as it seems the world around us is spiraling down faster and faster into the abyss that our use of technology seems to be causing.
DONE with how all of it is allowing us to fall into a lifestyle of reactivity that often translates to unhealthy, unkind, disrespectful words and actions.
It seems to me we are experiencing a profound loss of dignity in so many areas. Human caused; technology driven.
If our use of all things digital allows us and our children to spin to such depths, exposes us at length to both emotionally and physically harmful things, allows us to say and do things so unkind, so disrespecftul, then ENOUGH. We can and MUST do better. Our children are counting on us. Our world needs us to. Each one of our friends, neighbors, schools, communities, etal, rely on every single one of us to do better.
I KNOW we can become clear on what kind of place (or maybe no place) we want digital devices to have in our child’s life. This includes age appropriate boundaries, clear intention, developmentally appropriate uses, understanding what does help grow healthy children and build healthy relationships. For all things digital is here to stay and we need to figure this out. NOW.
I KNOW we adultscan say NO to inappropriate use; role model appropriate use; be intentional with how to and when to introduce anything digital; teach children age-appropriate safety around all of it. We need to. Right now. It begins with all of us pausing, considering, educating ourselves, then being intentional with the steps we take–for ourselves and our children. And no, it’ll never be perfect, but it sure can be better and healthier.
I KNOW we can recognize that opening the Pandora’s Box of the Digital World too soon for our kids can lead to both us and our children feeling out of control and overwhelmed. Many of us experience that already. Easy, at times, to just ignore it all and let it keep spinning out of control. Until we experience a loss that may be hard to overcome.
A loss such as our dignity.
I KNOW we can see how, as we either unwittingly or under pressure succumb to “what everyone else is doing,” or feeling an increasing need to be constantly connected, or trying to calm OUR anxiety over our child not being fully connected socially or totally adept at all things digital ASAP, we are actually undermining so much of what makes us healthy, our relationships healthy. What in the world are we doing?
I am increasingly discouraged by…
…the enormity of trying to find what works to educate, empower, or just merely encourage parents as they do the very important job of parenting well and positively and health-fully. And this very much includes becoming aware of how our digital device use is influencing our lives–both positively and negatively. In relationship-building and relationship-depleting ways.
…hearing of and seeing an increasing amount of sexting, social media bullying, anxiety issues and depression among even our youngest students.
…the reality that many people continue to interact so disrespectfully to their children, to each other, to their animals, to themselves. Sometimes purposefully, but more often because they just are unaware of the impact of their actions. And it is this lack of awareness that concerns me and seems to be amplified by our being engulfed by all things digital.
…the increasing number of kids receiving smart phones long before they need one or are developmentally ready to manage them. Somehow we are all on the same page about driving at 16–or older–but cannot seem to get a handle on when our kids should have the world at their fingertips.
…the speed and pressure we allow our culture to impose on us. Faster, better, more, sooner RARELY makes for healthy, centered, strong, connected relationships and living well.Rarely.
…what feels like the lack of ACTION despite all that I KNOW we are aware of and feel.
…championing all things appreciative, joyful, connected, healthy, relationship building, affirming, calm, pause-filled…yet continuing to see how many are caught up in just the opposite.
I find myself tired, discouraged, truly concerned and at times DONE. It is the fairly constant stories of yet another child devastated over, say, sexting and photos being shared all around school or the violence that ends up harming and killing students or theoverwhelming anxiety so many of our teens are feeling that has me feeling like throwing in the towel.
It is seeing how the current political discourse that social media and digital device use has amplified (remember my mantra of What You Focus on Grows?) has spiraled us into depths many of us were unaware existed, or ever believed we’d actually experience ever in our lives. Ugly. So much of it.
It is time to take charge of our digital choices and take
back our dignity, living our lives with respect, kindness, and integrity through and through.
I am eternally grateful for my friend and colleague, Rhonda Moskowitz of Practical Solutions Parent Coachingwho CAN make sense of all of this and actually step in and help parents already overwhelmed with all things digital and smart phones with their children. Thank goodness for her.
Thank goodness for Rachel Stafford of The Hands Free Revolutionwhose work always inspires the joy of simplicity.
Thank goodness forJanet Lansbury who continually champions RESPECT for our youngest that ripples up all the way to our eldest.
Thank goodness for The Children’s Screen Time Action Network and all the parents, educators, and other professionals and advocates who have joined together, working hard to promote a healthy childhood for all children through the necessary management of our technology use.
Thank goodness for L. R. Knost of Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources whose personal journey she shares with such honest and gentle passion, always speaking of the loving connection our children and each of us need the most in order to thrive. True dignity in the face of one of life’s ultimate challenges.
Thank goodness for the many others out there of whom I could spend all day listing that are making a real difference. Today I pass the torch to them, for I am discouraged, worried, even exhausted by it all and could use a bit of lifting, myself. What we focus on grows–help me help YOU to focus on all that is life affirming, appreciative, and JOY-filled. Share with me something joyful. Something you are doing more of or differently that lifts you. Something you have discovered isworking well for you and your children.
MOST importantly, share with me a step YOU are taking to take charge of your digital choices and devices. Will you…
…have an intentional conversation with your children about technology–including safety issues, inappropriate marketing, it’s impact on their health and development?
…remove apps from your phone that distract and detract from your relationships and daily life?
…contact your school administrations and request HEALTHY use of technology in our schools? Follow up as needed with sharing pertinent research that can be easily found via sources such as www.screentimenetwork.org?
…practice a PAUSE as you find yourself wanting to react to, tweet, share, comment, post on all things challenging within our political world, and instead respond–respectfully and clearly–about the importance of DIGNITY, integrity, and respect among all our leaders; all of us; all our communities? Our children are watching and learning from all of us.
…connect with other parents to encourage each other as you explore and create the healthy boundaries and balance our children need with digital devices? Together, as a “village”, you can truly feel empowered.
…preserve all meal times as screen-free times, reclaim conversation and listening skills, and discover a growing and deeper connection with your family members? Now you can live, right there at the dinner table, the dignity, respect, kindness we all want more of in our world…and this will naturally extend into all areas of your life, impacting others all around you.
Find Alice’s books here!
THIS is a call to action.
Share with me how YOU are working at changing the course of our lives and world by actions YOU are taking. It is time.
Respectfully and gratefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
When things get heated, testy, frustrating, maddening,
scary, grief-stricken…our response IS necessary.
HOW we respond is what matters.
Whether the heat happens in your living room, at work, in your community, during rush-hour, between your kids, you and your partner, co-workers, school board members, politicians and politics, anywhere and with/at anyone…
HOW we respond is what determines just what is learned, what kind of influence we are, whether productive and hopefully positive change occurs.
When we react–often loudly, aggressively, maddeningly, fearfully, trying to control and make and convince and stop–we tend to (and you probably see this often with your children!) stir up MORE of exactly what we are trying to stop, change, make feel safe, better, right.
Think about this. When we push back with often very similar behavior that our child (or whomever it is with) has just shown us–raised voices, rough handling, absolutes that are nearly impossible to carry through–our child either gets LOUDER, rougher, more upset, repeats over and over again the very same behavior and it just keeps escalating; or they–out of fear, often–comply. They are scared about OUR reaction and quickly do just whatever it is we are trying to get them to do.
Pretty relationship-depleting.
Nor very productive in the long-run, or the kind of positive influence we really want to be as we consider being the kind of resource and person we want our child to WANT to come back to. Especially when the going gets tough.
HOW we respond to any kind of conflict or challenge presented, no matter the “stage” (your living room, at work, on the road, in the community, country, world), will determine just what will be learned.
So…
PAUSE. Strengthen this muscle every chance you get.
PAUSE. Discover what works for YOU to calm all (or at least some of) the heat that is inside you.
Get CLEAR on just what you want the most, what you intend.
This includes thinking about what you value the most–qualities, strengths, beliefs. This includes what kind of influence YOU intend to be. This includes just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, what kind of community you want to live in…
Step back into the situation and RESPOND (rather than react) based on what you want the MOST.
And now your calm(er) and clear(er) self will more likely say words that have a meaningful and positive impact, your actions will support your words (Integrity–what you mean you say and will do. Essential for living well), and you will more likely be listened to, cooperated or collaborated with, and most definitely will be respected. Because you are being respectful.
Sounds like a lot to do, doesn’t it? Like something you really have NO time for. And yet, if we don’t start working on our ability to control ourselves and parent, live, lead from a truly authentic place–from inside-out, clear on building healthy relationships and communities, able to be the mature adult our children and world need, then things are going to ramp up and get ever harder.
Anxiety, fear, anger will grow. And our opportunities to get stronger at being calmer will not only increase, they will overwhelm. And it really is just “easier” to react. Though all that does is spiral it up even more.
So what does it all really mean or look like?
Instead of the desire and then reaction to get your child to quit hitting his brother….what you hopefully want the MOST is your child to learn how to problem solve, negotiate, work through conflict in productive ways. The desire to quit hitting is very real. The response needs to be based on learning to work through conflict in productive ways.
Instead of just getting out the door on time, period, and doing whatever it takes to get everyone out the door on time, what you hopefully want is a child who is learning how to manage THEIR time well, what it takes to be ready to roll, how their choices ripple out to impact the rest of their day…
Instead of rescuing a struggling child as they work on something difficult (whether it is a project, a Great Big Sad, challenging friendships, bullying, learning something new, taking responsibility for the results of a choice that wasn’t so wonderful…), what you want the MOST is a child able to manage the hard of the struggle. To know they can work through feelings productively, that they can count on your calm and safe presence to unload, that they can feel capable and competent as they figure things out. That mistakes are okay. Something to learn from instead of just fix.
That is what looking to what you want the MOST is all about.
Sometimes our response seems to be no response—because we have, following a PAUSE, calmed ourselves down enough that we wait. We watch. We listen. And often discover because of our calm, observant, quiet self we are providing LESS attention to the very less-than-desirable behavior…and that behavior? It now lessens. Changes. Shifts all on its own–or seemingly so. When our response is an intentional “no” response our respectful, quiet, watchful and waiting selves have just influenced another in a positive and productive way.
Sometimes our response is quick, firm, and done with your full and respectful presence as you stop your child or another from hurting or being hurt. Those are those immediate safety concerns…and when done with the Gentle Firmness that our quick and immediate response is when from a strengthened PAUSE muscle, it stays relationship-building. Even as anxiety, fear, and the LOUD of upset take over.
HOW we respond determines what is learned…
…and it is in the HOW that can be what is essential for growing more of the good, strong, productive, relationship-building, appreciative, even positive that we want for our children, our relationships, our communities, our world.
What we focus on grows.
This testy, LOUD, reactivity? It really is way more about each of us–something we can control. Today, tomorrow, forever–work at putting your attention first within yourself and getting calm and clear. Then make your response be in the good, kind, productive, appreciative, honest, collaborative, cooperative, relationship-BUILDING direction.
Respond with calm, clear, honest intention. What a world of difference this can make.
.
What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ
we adults
