Tag: mess and chaos

You are Having One of THOSE Days…

January 25, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

So you are having one of THOSE days.

Your Too-Short-of-a-Nap toddler or preschooler (or maybe drippy-nosed or you name it and it isn’t easy) is demanding a TON of re-direction, stopping, pleading at times, removal…(how much CAN you fit on top of the fridge as you collect those “used-in-the-wrong-way” items???). He seems to go from one thing to the next just TRYING to push your button (and succeeding).

Your baby is fussing and never getting quite the attention you really want to give this little one–yes, she gets fed and changed…but all the while you are pulling your hair out over the seemingly EXTRA exuberant behavior of your 3- or 4-year old (and if you have multiple other ages in the mix, just multiply the chaos by infinity…). The kind of exuberant behavior that has the blocks flying, the voices LOUD, the flying super-hero whipping by just barely missing the baby, the teetering of climbing just too darn high, the race to the potty and then a quiet that descends that has you discovering the roll of TP stuffed in the toilet or the tub animals taking a swim in the toilet bowl…

Your spouse has asked you to swing by and pick up that prescription–a simple thing, swinging by, right? And yet…you know that if you had to get the diaper bag ready, baby fed and changed, preschooler actually dressed and fed, AND yourself presentable and all ready to go all at the same time, not to mention then having to wrangle kids in and out of their seats and find a cart to contain them in and navigate the crowded store aisles, actually TALK to the pharmacist, and then get out all with your sanity in place…it could not possibly happen today. That simple errand is now an Impossible Errand.

And then there is what seems to usually be the “simple” step of switching the laundry from washer to dryer–today, however, it is nearly insurmountable. As is the well-intentioned dinner in the crockpot–usually a welcomed way to make dinner oh so much easier–still awaiting those green peppers you were going to chop and add. Let’s not even mention the now-clogged toilet, blocks and cards and Lego and stuffed guys spread from here to there, and the breakfast, lunch, and snack dishes and items still exactly where they were consumed. And it wasn’t at the table.

Funny how those “simple” things can become the very thing that would break you or the precarious and momentary balance you have found with your children. Simple becomes Impossible.

And you are feeling AWFUL. Guilty, frustrated, downright MAD, certainly over-the-top EXHAUSTED.

Then your partner arrives home…and just can’t seem to understand why it is so darn HARD to switch the laundry. Or swing by to pick up the prescription. Or–for heaven’s sake–add the chopped vegies to the crock-pot for dinner. They wonder why the toilet is plugged (“Can’t you watch him when he goes potty? It’s not like it requires much from you!”), the house a complete wreck, and let’s not even mention all the remains of various meals and snacks spread around.

And you sigh. Or blow up. Are definitely frustrated, feeling guilty, exhausted. You have no ability to even treat your partner with the respect you know you want to. Your relief to have help is quickly replaced with resentment. You are done done done with the entire day. The mess, the LOUD, the near misses of preschooler swooping past baby, the baby who obviously needs more of your attention and your guilt and sadness over not being able to find even an extra minute to give her that extra snuggle.

Find Alice’s books here!

You are having one of THOSE days.

It’s okay. Really. It will get better. Maybe not yet and maybe it’ll become one of those WEEKS, but in time it (and you) will get better.

For now, it’s just one of THOSE days. Remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

A Helping Hand

January 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would be different if…

…when your child totally LOSES it in the grocery store you felt eyes of support and encouragement–and maybe an extra hand or two?

…when you find yourself getting caught up in all the what ifs and fears and oh-my-gosh-the-worst-thing-in-the-world-is-going-to-happen there was someone who reached out and said, “Yup. Me, too. I do that, too.”

…when you try over and over again to get your partner or child’s teacher or another to REALLY understand what you are trying to communicate you heard them say, “I hear you. Let me think on that a bit and get back to you…”

…when your child’s behavior has you over the top worried and you’ve tried everything and you feel at a total loss and you are a mess of a Mama, you had someone reach out and wrap you in their arms and say, “Here. Cry. It’s okay.”

What could be different? NOW how might you be feeling?

I believe you’d feel understood. Cared for. Appreciated. Maybe even without anything “fixed”–you know, tantrum still happening, anxiety still overwhelming–you’d feel relieved, a bit more confident and able to face whatever chaos you are in from a more grounded and steady place.

Maybe you’d feel like you’ve got company along this journey that you can really count on.

Maybe you’d feel clearer about what it is that needs to happen; able to let go and trust a bit more; or just relieved. Maybe that’s all, just relieved. What a difference that can make, for relief bring relaxing. Relaxing opens you up and allows you to feel more receptive. And NOW real help can enter in.

What a difference that could make. It really does take a village to raise a child AND a parent . It really does. And we are all in it together. After hearing today of a story of a mom, with divided attention at a park and both kids needing her help–and the lack of others willing to step up and give a helpful hand, I thought about this.

I also heard from another what a difference my writing has made for them as they head out into public and notice the hard work of parenting going on. They have found themselves being more receptive and curious rather than judgemental and critical as they watch difficult parent and child interactions. What a difference this makes–for now we feel a part of a community working together to parent and live well.

So today…pause. Find something to appreciate instead of criticize. Offer a helping hand. Reach out to a parent struggling and let them know they are doing the hard work of parenting and you get it. Allow feelings. Oh yes, please, allow feelings. They are to be valued. Your feelings included. Pause…appreciate…and walk alongside another without trying to fix, change, judge. Just be there.

Find Alice’s books here!

Pretty amazing, what can happen. And you know, for you’ve felt it before–those times of acceptance and understanding; those times where you felt comforted by the company of another. Talk about feeling lifted, encouraged, even empowered! What a difference we can all make as we keep our attention on appreciation.

With appreciation for each of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2017 Alice Hanscam

The Gift of Our Pandemic

May 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

The Gift of (any) Pandemic…

Stay with me here, for I know it sounds rather conflicting–how can a pandemic, our shutting down of our economies, losing jobs, sheltering in place, having to wear masks and stay away from loved ones or feeling guilty if not doing so or or or be considered a gift?   
 
There is real difficulty and pain, I know. And yet there is one prevailing result of living through this pandemic that I hope will be nurtured and grown for all of us in years to come.
 
Connection. Real, meaningful, warm, intentional, genuine connection.
 
Connection that says… 
 
...YOU are important to me.                                    
…I give you my full attention.
…I hear you.
….I want to spend time with you!
…I love you.
…You can lean on me; I can lean on you.
…Let me help.
…I will make time for you.
 
It seems to me we are all discovering what is truly at the core of being human; that connection is what we are missing, seeking, creating, relishing. It is painful–deeply painful–for those unable to connect at the end of another’s life. That seems to me to be the biggest indicator of how crucial connection is for all of us in order to live, be, die well.
 
We are discovering how much we WANT to connect–and our frustrations over limitations or willingness to take increased risks are indicators of just this.
 
We are discovering oh-so-many creative ways to BE connected! Zoom has come in handy for my family 🙂 . Outdoor time via walks, hikes, games that keep you appropriately distanced are being enjoyed by many (try badminton! Or a water-balloon *fight* or hopscotch!) Meals and even cooking together via a screen. Letters written, stories shared, fun and necessary deliveries made on doorsteps. 
 
We are, I hope, discovering how connection via a screen answers a certain level of connection AND is a reminder of it’s limitations for connecting at the necessary deeper level. And it is this deeper level that is crucial for all of us to BE well–mentally, emotionally, and physically. The gift of our pandemic is embracing, nurturing, and enriching all of our connections. 
 
Find Alice’s books here!

Today, look to this gift. Seek out and create connection in any way you can. Be intentional. Look for and help in any way you can those who feel too isolated, who are suffering a lack of meaningful connection. Vow to keep this intentional connection in place no matter the health of the world, for it will absolutely improve the health of our world.

Connection is healing.

With hope and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam

Let’s Make Room for More JOY

May 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

Today,  PAUSE.

Look around. Watch your children. Notice all that is happening, working, going well or better, brings a smile to your face, has you feeling hopeful, energized, lifted. Notice…and actively appreciate. Out loud. To yourself. In a note. Face to face. 

One mama told me recently how when she first spoke with me she was feeling ever-so-frustrated, upset, sure that NOTHING was going right, that she was a lousy parent and her kids full of trouble.

And then she took a week. A week to observe, to intentionally look for and notice what WAS working, going better, could be appreciated. She let go of trying to “make it better”, to fix things, to do all those things others tell you you need to do in order to “straighten everybody up” and “keep everyone in line.” And yes, all the while still actively engaged with her kids.

Truly a PAUSE.

You know what happened? She returned to me and shared what a real difference this made for her–she noticed all the little things that left her smiling and realizing her kids COULD get along, were helpers, family time together was often full of fun and good feelings, that she herself could be patient, gentle, respectful, calm and connected.

The best thing? She spoke of how clear she got as to what really DID need to change AND how she felt energized to do so.

This is what PAUSE can do for you.

PAUSE, at its basic, helps you through heated moments from a relationship-building place. And when it is taken further–as with this mama–it becomes the space from which you see more clearly, respond more authentically and productively, feel energized and empowered to create the positive and productive change you want.

So this weekend, look, really LOOK and see the little things that are happening within your family and elsewhere that show the kindness, care, compassion, joy, connection, cooperation, collaboration, respect we want to be experiencing and want our children to learn and emulate.

What we focus on grows.

Let’s look for just what it is we want more of. Notice, appreciate, and let JOY in. It’s there for the taking and the sharing.

Find Alice’s books here!

Choose to follow my work as we join together to create the real, positive, and meaningful change we want to see in the world.

Need a smile to get you started? Check out Simple Moments…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

A Day in the Life: Papa and Two Young Boys

March 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

Being home all day with young children can be ever-so-exhausting AND rewarding. 

A story from a Papa who did just this as Mama recovered from illness.  Here is his Day’s Tally with his 20-month-old and 4.5-year-old boys. Let it put a smile on your face, a nod of “Yep. That’s us!” Appreciate how FULL a day can be with seemingly little progress...

I am most certain he, once again, appreciates the work his wife does every single day as a Stay-at-home Mama  🙂 :

~ Kids bathed and dressed–woo hoo! A feat unto itself to actually be DONE in the morning.
~ Kids fed
~ Syrup and milk sodden clothes removed–ha!
~ Kids showered once again…
~ Kids dressed–again.
~ Go fish games, puzzles, making forts, being kids–PLAY time!
~ Kids are hungry – decided on grilled cheese sandwiches…YUM.
~ The youngest disappears to snuggle with Mama; Eldest says, “Let’s make pudding, first!” (Something a Papa, taking over the Stay-at-Home Parent shift, is happily willing to do!)
~ Youngest escapes Mama Snuggles to help Big Brother with that DEEE-licious pudding!
~ 3 cups worth of banana pudding hits the floor–oh those eager toddler hands… 🙂
~ Pudding sodden clothes removed and dumped in pile–who has time for laundry, anyway?!
~ New batch of pudding made–better than having everyone melt down into tears over spilled pudding…
~ Grilled cheeses finally made, kids fed
~ Cleaned bird cages–together. Hmmm. Perhaps more of a mess made before clean is had?
~ Back to building more forts, did stick-on tattoos, exhaustion creeping up–on kids, too 🙂
~ Late naps–yet naps are at least had!
~ Played in forts once again
~ Dinner thrown together…cereal? Chicken? Some bits and pieces of something?
~ Pudding and stories–oh yes, STORIES.
~ Kids Showered once again–pudding and bird cages and forts and tattoos leave one rather sticky and icky all over again.
~ Kids in bed FINALLY.   Zonked in 30sec. This bedtime stuff? What a breeze…
~ Mopping the kitchen floor.  About a half gallon of milk landed on the floor today between pudding and cups being set on the floor between sips, sticky cheese dripped from sandwiches, sticky pudding, too…

And finally, falling into bed himself and zonked in 30 seconds…!

Find Alice’s books here!

A Day in the Life of a Papa and Two Little Boys…and we wonder why we can rarely get (other) things DONE.

Thank you to the Papa who shared this story!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

The Emotional Toll of the Physical Effort

April 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

The emotional toll of the physical effort.

Let that sink in a bit. If you’ve ever “crutched” around with an injured foot or leg, or due to recovery from surgery and the inability to use part of your body, then you know the physical effort to do ANY thing is huge.

It is the emotional toll that is so surprising. How grumpiness, depression, tears, just feeling DONE sneaks up and grabs you. How incredibly draining it can be to do just a simple task or how frustrating it can be to take so long to do something seemingly “quick.”

A lot like parenting.

What a huge physical effort–especially in the early years–parenting is. Perpetual motion on the children’s part. Constant work at keeping kids safe, houses put together, schedules maintained, relationships deposited into, negotiations attended to, lack of sleep, lack of showers, running to catch the teetering child on the edge, multi-tasking to the Nth degree as you cook, clean, re-direct, communicate, rescue, play with, wash, throw up your arms in exasperation, pry the cat’s fur out from the death grip of your child’s hands (or maybe pry the brother out from under the other brother), attempt to get to work on time and come home with some semblance of sanity in place to manage the evening that is bound to be chaotic…

Physically parenting is exhausting. And then the emotional toll hits. And climbs. And erupts. We yell. We cry. We feel like lousy parents. We put our selves down constantly with “Why can’t I…if only I…It’s all because of me…” And then the guilt…oh, the guilt!

Talk about an emotional toll. Talk about depleting ourselves even further with the negative and unproductive self-talk that takes over in our heads.

It is time for self-care.

It is time to breathe, to pause, to show yourself the care and compassion you so continually and generously give to your family. It is time to recognize the emotional toll, allow it in, and use it as the gift it can be–to take care of YOU. Or at least to think about the self-care that would feel good if you had the time! That counts, you know–just thinking about it.

It is time to recognize the negative self-talk and switch it up. Not necessarily to the positive, but definitely to the appreciative. And YES, that can be two entirely different things…because you know what? Finding the positives when you are feeling so low often feels impossible. Finding what you can appreciate–even if it is just your attempt at moving forward an iota–is always possible. And empowering.

Here’s what I learned following surgery a while back and immersed in “crutching”and realizing the emotional toll of the physical effort AND remembering how like parenting this can be:

I allowed myself to cry.

I got a bit better at letting my husband know from the get go of the day that I’m starting out sorta down and tired and done.

I gave myself grace as I actively could not switch up my self-talk…but could sit with the idea of wanting to and then wait and watch and end up appreciating what comes my way.

I got better at letting go of cleaning and cooking and all things house–allowing myself a bit more ease. And mess. That mess? It really is okay. And is rarely permanent. Really. There will be a time when a tidier house is a reality. Maybe…

I was reminded that, as I do this, the drag of the emotional toll actually lightens. I can smile. I can appreciate my husband’s sideways look at me knowing he is wondering if he has a basket case on his hands or not :-). I find I notice little things that put a twinkle in my eye or relax me a tad. Like all the birds that are actively taking over our yard, or listening to the neighbor kids tap dance on their back deck. I rediscover a sense of humor (this I know my husband is grateful for!). I reach out to friends and end up sharing and then laughing. I look forward to a certain 9-month-old I get to spend time with…even if I’m just sitting and watching him.

And I begin to feel lifted and lighter and that emotional toll? It dissipates.

You can do this, too. Even in the midst of perpetual motion, chaos, and the mess living with children can be.

Let the emotional toll be your chance to PAUSE, however briefly, and breathe, cry if necessary, acknowledge and appreciate how deeply you feel and care and actively love your family. If you can, take time to do something no matter how small or short, that feels good to YOU.  Maybe you can…

 

…reach down and scratch you kitty or dog’s ears for a bit 🙂

…make a cup of tea using your favorite mug (if you actually get to drink it, it’s a bonus!)

…close your eyes in the car as you sit in the driveway for a moment.

…let go of dinner and pour a bowl of cereal instead.

…stand an extra minute in your hot shower just because you can (a locked bathroom door always an option…).

…plop yourself on the floor in the midst of the MESS and CHAOS and just, well, plop. Maybe stretch out a bit–and beware, for that might invite a dog pile on top of you…maybe actually making you smile a bit :-).

…decide the piles of toys and kid things spread from here to there is really just evidence of a day spent well–creating, imagining, exploring. Something you can appreciate! Now maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a bit more energy as you gather up the mess and put things away. Or decide to leave it for tomorrow…

The emotional toll of the physical effort. It is okay. Allow it, honor it, use it to refocus on yourself. You deserve this! Let appreciation lead the way.

Find all of Alice’s books here!

What a gift to your children, to all your relationships.

 

Take care of you today,   

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam