Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:
Our attention to our devices and the times
our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,
and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,
and emotional development.
Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional
experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.
They are ESSENTIAL.
…now you actually respond in a way that makes
sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m
curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now
you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”
And you really do.
THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and
self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.
The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.
Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.
Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”
Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!
Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…
Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!
.
Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.
Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.
Toe Dragging, Late to Work
February 15, 2022 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment
A favorite story to share…
11-year old who does whatever she can do to drag her toes in the morning and make mom and her late for work and school.
Mom who nags, yells, tears her hair out as yet again her daughter doesn’t listen, step up, respect the fact that mom has to get to work on time–really, how difficult IS it to get dressed, eat breakfast, and load in the car on time?
Sound familiar?
Every morning up until recently it was a reactive, yelling, frustrating, hot tempered morning. Every morning mom dropped her daughter off feeling horrible. Every morning. And it just kept ramping up.
Then mom PAUSED. She considered what SHE could do differently in this equation that may influence everything in a more positive way. She thought about how much she wants to enjoy her daughter, part from her each day feeling good. She also thought about being calm, clear, and able to say what she means and mean what she does. Here’s what began to unfold:
Sunday night: “Honey, just so you know, I intend to leave for work and school by 7:30 tomorrow.” And then she turned her attention to other things to get done in the house. “Intend”–it is a powerful word. If she was to say “I AM leaving…” then she’d have to follow through by actually leaving her daughter behind–and that wasn’t a choice for their situation. “Intend” gave mom the opportunity to do just what she did the next morning…
Monday morning at 7:25: “Honey, I’m heading out to the car. Join me when you are ready!” And off she went to sit in the car…listen to music so she could relax…and wait. Yes, she prepared for this by letting her boss know she may be late coming in; yes she worked hard at choosing music and her thoughts with care so she could stay calm and relaxed…or act as if. This effort to create a more positive experience meant a lot to her.
And when her daughter finally showed up, ready to complain how mom is rushing her and she didn’t have time to get her hair done and she probably forgot SOME thing and and and…all mom said was, “Thank you for being ready to go!” And headed down the driveway. That’s all. No, “You’re late” or “Why couldn’t you have hurried up a bit…” or “If you’d gotten up when you were supposed to you’d have had time for your hair…” Nope.
Just, “Thank you for being ready to go.” Mom put her attention to exactly what she truly wanted–a daughter, ready to go.
The result? Every single day, mom felt more and more relaxed. The 
goodbyes each morning were increasingly pleasant. She and her daughter had a few nice conversations in the car. And her daughter began to show up closer to the 7:30 mark every single day.
Why? Because mom stepped out of the trying to control and make her behave a certain way, focused on herself first and decided how she wanted to feel each morning, and took responsibility for herself. This gave her daughter the opportunity to start taking responsibility for HER self–because no longer was her daughter’s attention on mom being mad.
AND mom intentionally affirmed out-loud what she wanted the most: “Thank you for being ready to go.” She let go of the time factor–something she could do, focused on what she really wanted, and was rewarded with just what she intended–a daughter ready to go, and gradually on time.
Today, consider how it could look to switch up your dance step–to take responsibility for your choices and intentionally choose to feel calmer, more relaxed, maybe even light-hearted. Being late to work or school may not be an option in your home, so consider with care what change you can make that can more likely influence your children in positive and productive ways. Start by putting your attention on and getting clear about what you want the most. Think about the parts that are working, that you can appreciate. Consider your part in it all and how you can bring that into your current challenge–and this becomes the first step of change you make–yourself. Stick with this step for awhile. Notice what happens, what works, what feels better.
It’s difficult and it is do-able. Let your strength at pausing step up. Know just what you need and can do for yourself to help you bite your tongue and truly only say what you really want and be able to stay calm, patient, relaxed–OR to act-as-if. The cool thing? The more you commit to this new step, the easier it can get for you. YOU will feel better. And in time, your child will, too. Parenting can get a bit easier…and your relationships can feel a whole lot better.
This mom? She feels empowered. She had a great week–even if they were actually on time just once. Her daughter? Way less drama…way more connection. They are on their way to a more positive, even joyful relationship. What a way to start your morning!
Want more? Try this: You Are Not Responsible for Your Child
With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
The Space and Grace of PAUSE
December 30, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Spirituality Comment
…trust. In what I say, do, feel. Trust in life.
The gift of this is the impact and influence on relationships this has. As any of us pursue greater mindfulness in life, we discover–maybe in just bits and pieces at first–how good this feels. How we feel more energized, connected, calm. And with many parents I’ve worked with I’ve had the honor of watching how this positively influences their children. How life calms down a bit, de-intensifies, is less rocky and chaotic. No matter what the situation is.
When this space and stillness that PAUSE allows is missing, conflict and challenge take over. They permeate our life to the point of us assuming this is the norm and our reactivity becomes a way of life and interacting. We forget what it can feel like to have the deeper, more meaningful connection with another; with our children that really can leave us feeling a JOY like no other.
We may feel tired. We may feel like we can barely keep our head above water. We often fall into the blame game, find ourselves immersed in guilt and/or anger. Even as we do practice and grow our Pause Muscle, we find we can still slip into this reactive place at times…and yet, it CAN be different. You CAN tip the balance.
You can feel the calmer, more centered and stable place more and more often. Start right now. Perhaps close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, telling yourself this is the space of a PAUSE. Or keep your eyes open as you watch your children squabble, play, work…and just watch for a moment. That’s all. Maybe gaze out your window or down into your cup of coffee. Let your gaze soften a bit and know that that is a PAUSE, too. You’ve just created a bit of space that allows a bit of stillness in.
That’s all. Begin there. Know that what you focus on grows, so those little bits? They add up over time. I remember back in the day when I was a nanny and had all the kids loaded up in my car ready to roll, I’d pause. Shut my eyes and just sit in the driver’s seat. The kids would holler and ask what I’m doing, why aren’t we going…and I’d tell them I’m starting out being quiet for a moment. Interesting thing was, in time, they did the same. Stayed quiet in their carseats and waited for me. I created a PAUSE for them, as well. Children need to pause, too.
Bring a bit of space and stillness into your life by strengthening your ability to PAUSE. What we focus on grows, so each little bit? It counts. Hugely, in the long run. You and all your relationships are worth it. What a gift to all!
With JOY,
Our Children are Watching
September 11, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
I, too, get tired of all the negativity in our news. I, too, know that how I decide to respond to any negativity, to any event that drags me down is key for how I then feel and am able to participate, respond, act on.
Something that concerns me is what our children are absorbing from where our attention and reactivity is often focused. Let’s be able to respond productively to any and all of the less than wonderful news and events by intentionally choosing to put our attention, action, and words to what we want more of. And I believe that is respect, kindness, acceptance, care and compassion to name a few.
Our children are watching, absorbing, and learning.
Let’s be sure what they are learning is life-affirming
and relationship-building.
I went exploring Mister Rogers’ quotes, for he exemplifies all of this and more. I intend to share them often, for what we focus on grows. Enjoy his quotes…and maybe my take on them will give you a bit of encouragement today…a PAUSE of sorts 
Be kind. Show kindness. Put being kind at the forefront of all you do; let it be the filter through which you live.
We can be kind in our “NO”s. Gentle firmness is being kind.
We can be kind in the way we PAUSE and listen. Even when we then disagree.
We can be kind in our physical touch–gentle, respectful. Even when it is to stop our child.
We can be kind with our words–always. Even when our words are speaking of things that are uncomfortable.
We can be kind by speaking our truth from a respectful, more intentional place. And now we can be more likely heard.
We can be kind to ourselves as we grieve, feel upset, are confused. Self-care. It goes a long way.
We can be kind in the care and compassion we show any and everyone in our life. Kind even when we are tired of the whining or complaining. Kind even when we are frustrated.
Maybe kind is taking that PAUSE for yourself so you CAN speak with care. Maybe kind is just saying, “I feel tired and frustrated with your whining.” Calmly, quietly.
Kind is being authentic and genuine in all you do. Able to truly apologize–heartfully–when necessary.
Kind is rarely about rescuing another from taking responsibility for their actions, agreeing even when it feels entirely WRONG, going along with something that leaves you feeling completely out of alignment with your values. No. Kind at these times is like that gentle firmness we show our children as we stop them from hurting another.
Kind is saying, clearly and calmly and quietly, “I disagree.
I will do it differently. I stand for what I believe is
right and good and inspiring.” Kind is saying, “I will walk alongside you as you struggle. I have confidence in you, we will be okay.”
Be kind today. Thank you, Mister Rogers. You have always been a hero of mine.
With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Parenting Success: What You Focus on Grows
August 23, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:
What You Focus on Grows
Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…
…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!
..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed 
. And asleep. Definitely focus on that!
...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.
…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)
..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?
…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”
…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.
…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!
…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!
Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about
finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.
Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.
When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…
And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.
Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.
Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.
What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.
And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
The Emotional Toll of the Physical Effort
April 24, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment
The emotional toll of the physical effort.
Let that sink in a bit. If you’ve ever “crutched” around with an injured foot or leg, or due to recovery from surgery and the inability to use part of your body, then you know the physical effort to do ANY thing is huge.
It is the emotional toll that is so surprising. How grumpiness, depression, tears, just feeling DONE sneaks up and grabs you. How incredibly draining it can be to do just a simple task or how frustrating it can be to take so long to do something seemingly “quick.”
A lot like parenting.
What a huge physical effort–especially in the early years–parenting is. Perpetual motion on the children’s part. Constant work at keeping kids safe, houses put together, schedules maintained, relationships deposited into, negotiations attended to, lack of sleep, lack of showers, running to catch the teetering child on the edge, multi-tasking to the Nth degree as you cook, clean, re-direct, communicate, rescue, play with, wash, throw up your arms in exasperation, pry the cat’s fur out from the death grip of your child’s hands (or maybe pry the brother out from under the other brother), attempt to get to work on time and come home with some semblance of sanity in place to manage the evening that is bound to be chaotic…
Physically parenting is exhausting. And then the emotional toll hits. And climbs. And erupts. We yell. We cry. We feel like lousy parents. We put our selves down constantly with “Why can’t I…if only I…It’s all because of me…” And then the guilt…oh, the guilt!
Talk about an emotional toll. Talk about depleting ourselves even further with the negative and unproductive self-talk that takes over in our heads.
It is time for self-care.
It is time to breathe, to pause, to show yourself the care and compassion you so continually and generously give to your family. It is time to recognize the emotional toll, allow it in, and use it as the gift it can be–to take care of YOU. Or at least to think about the self-care that would feel good if you had the time! That counts, you know–just thinking about it.
It is time to recognize the negative self-talk and switch it up. Not necessarily to the positive, but definitely to the appreciative. And YES, that can be two entirely different things…because you know what? Finding the positives when you are feeling so low often feels impossible. Finding what you can appreciate–even if it is just your attempt at moving forward an iota–is always possible. And empowering.
Here’s what I learned following surgery a while back and immersed in “crutching”and realizing the emotional toll of the physical effort AND remembering how like parenting this can be:
I allowed myself to cry.
I got a bit better at letting my husband know from the get go of the day that I’m starting out sorta down and tired and done.
I gave myself grace as I actively could not switch up my self-talk…but could sit with the idea of wanting to and then wait and watch and end up appreciating what comes my way.
I got better at letting go of cleaning and cooking and all things house–allowing myself a bit more ease. And mess. That mess? It really is okay. And is rarely permanent. Really. There will be a time when a tidier house is a reality. Maybe…
I was reminded that, as I do this, the drag of the emotional toll actually lightens. I can smile. I can appreciate my husband’s sideways look at me knowing he is wondering if he has a basket case on his hands or not :-). I find I notice little things that put a twinkle in my eye or relax me a tad. Like all the birds that are actively taking over our yard, or listening to the neighbor kids tap dance on their back deck. I rediscover a sense of humor (this I know my husband is grateful for!). I reach out to friends and end up sharing and then laughing. I look forward to a certain 9-month-old I get to spend time with…even if I’m just sitting and watching him.
And I begin to feel lifted and lighter and that emotional toll? It dissipates.
You can do this, too. Even in the midst of perpetual motion, chaos, and the mess living with children can be.
Let the emotional toll be your chance to PAUSE, however briefly, and breathe, cry if necessary, acknowledge and appreciate how deeply you feel and care and actively love your family. If you can, take time to do something no matter how small or short, that feels good to YOU. Maybe you can…
…reach down and scratch you kitty or dog’s ears for a bit 🙂
…make a cup of tea using your favorite mug (if you actually get to drink it, it’s a bonus!)
…close your eyes in the car as you sit in the driveway for a moment.
…let go of dinner and pour a bowl of cereal instead.
…stand an extra minute in your hot shower just because you can (a locked bathroom door always an option…).
…plop yourself on the floor in the midst of the MESS and CHAOS and just, well, plop. Maybe stretch out a bit–and beware, for that might invite a dog pile on top of you…maybe actually making you smile a bit :-).
…decide the piles of toys and kid things spread from here to there is really just evidence of a day spent well–creating, imagining, exploring. Something you can appreciate! Now maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a bit more energy as you gather up the mess and put things away. Or decide to leave it for tomorrow…
The emotional toll of the physical effort. It is okay. Allow it, honor it, use it to refocus on yourself. You deserve this! Let appreciation lead the way.
What a gift to your children, to all your relationships.
Take care of you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam