I find this photo beautiful and important. It shows so clearly CONNECTION. And the magic of connection is it begins and is absolutely essential from birth on.
Look at these two. They are touching. They are making eye contact. They are thinking, processing, learning–all because of their physical and emotional connection.
It is lovely–to be uninterrupted, relished quietly, noticed and appreciated. It is essential to *just* absorb, as these two are absorbing their moment together.
And if they “take” a toy from the other? That’s okay. Watch. See how each responds. Often it requires nothing from us other than observing and perhaps quietly stating what you see happening–“You took the block. He’d like it back.” Or, “You are having a turn with the block, I see that.” Or, “You gave her the block. She is giving it back. You are taking turns.” Or, “Hmmm. It makes you mad/sad that she took the block. You weren’t done playing with it.”
No need to pry the block from one hand to give it “back” to the other. No need to change their play and exploration. No need to swoop one of them up in order to stop any uncomfortable-to-us feelings that are expressed. No. What is needed is your connection to their moment. Quiet, calm, present, using words to describe as needed. A smile. A back rubbed. All while giving the safe space for little ones to discover a bit more about what its like to connect, meaningfully, with another. Tears included.
Just think of all the learning that is happening! From feelings to empathy to ownership to respect to taking turns to practice at reaching and grasping and holding and reaching once again to comfort to learning all about another person.
So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”
Take time today to watch–really watch–your children, no matter their age. Notice how they play, think, connect–with another, with their own selves, with whatever play they are involved in. Pay attention to the kinds of connection with your child that feel fabulous to you…and take time to create more of it 🙂 . What a way to build relationships.
Enjoy your week!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach’
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam
Easy to Miss, Important to Catch
March 21, 2022 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.
You know, those moments, seemingly inconsequential, that, if we are present and we catch them, life with our children flows more smoothly…
It is all about tipping the balance, never perfection 🙂 . As we tip the balance to catching these easy to miss moments, we can communicate “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are important.” When we miss them? We often (and rarely intentionally) communicate the opposite. Tipping the balance equals relationship-building. Reaching for the impossible perfection merely leaves us with the guilt we mothers are so good at feeling, undermining us once again–because, well…we will miss these moments at times.
Moments such as…
…Your toddler is happily eating her raisins, one at a time, as he rides in the grocery cart. Great! Y
ou are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.
All of a sudden the whole raisin container FLIES as your toddler flings her arms out, her back arched, her previously pleasant chatting turning to LOUD hollering. And grocery shopping comes to an end…
When we catch that moment of our toddler getting antsy, less focused, shifting in her seat and ready for a change, we are more likely to connect in a way that answers her need. “You are done with the raisins. Would you like…?” Or maybe, “I can see you are wiggling around more and more. Would you like to get out and walk a bit?” Or perhaps, “I know. This store trip is getting long, isn’t it? Let’s sing a song…”
Then you playfully sing, “Looking for the canned tomatoes, looking high and low. Going to see if we can find them, going off to buy them…” or some silly rendition that you know will bring your toddler’s attention back to just where you need it to be. It might just work long enough for you to finish; it might not. Either way, connection is at the forefront for you are fully present to all those little messages your child gives…
…You’re at the park with your child and another child runs up to say, “Wanna play?” and Y
ES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.
When we catch that moment we find ourselves smiling, nodding, giving a little wave. And our child feels our connection; they feel our encouragement; they feel our “It’s OKAY.” Off they continue to run…or maybe they don’t. Maybe they turn around and come back to you, for they feel stronger from the inside out and ABLE to recognize how they feel and what to do. All because you caught that moment.
…Your kids are happily roaring around the house as you scramble to get dinner going so everyone can be fed on time and out the door for the night’s event. You are rather frantically mixing things, answering texts from your spouse, pushing the dog out from underfoot, and remembering the laundry that has to be switched so kids have what they need to be ready t
o go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.
When we catch that moment of transition–when we HEAR the first “DON’T!”–and pause long enough to notice what is happening, we are more likely able to respond in such a way that our children no longer have to end up in a puddle of a mess–they will feel the connection with us that can make all the difference in the world.
Maybe it comes via an affirmation from you, “It sounds like you guys are having some trouble.” Maybe what you notice is the unfairness of one child wrecking something the other one had worked hard on and you say so. “Wow. How upsetting that is, to choose to break apart her Lego creation. She worked so hard on it.” Now you are available to let all the feelings unload in a more productive, albeit probably LOUD, way. Now you are more likely able to influence the direction this goes that allows dinner and laundry to happen, family fed and out the door without everyone becoming a total wreck. You’ve allowed connection to be felt.
What does this require from you?
***PAUSE–strengthening your PAUSE muscle so you CAN slow down–mentally if not physically–and find yourself far more aware of these moments.
***Self care. Always. Remember those little bits you can do that truly are a deposit? Keep ’em going!
***Being Tech Intentional so your devices are rarely a distraction.
***Having eyes on the back of your head and your “Mama’s Sixth Sense” ON
***Patience. Which comes from all those little self-care deposits you treat yourself with! And the PAUSE you practice 🙂
***Loads of GRACE for yourself for all the times you wish you had a do-over.
Easy to miss, important to catch. No longer inconsequential because you catch them, more often than not. Tip the balance. Let go of perfection. Here’s to you today as you work at staying tuned to all those little moments…in the long run, it is worth it.
In the long run it is truly relationship-building.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
3’s and 4’s Can Be HARD
December 8, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
3’s and 4’s can be HARD…and they can leave you wondering just what happened to your little one, who–not so long ago–was an agreeable and enjoyable little soul? All of a sudden their EXUBERANCE can become trying…testing…exhausting. SO…
HOW do you parent respectfully with
an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly
erupting preschooler??
HOW do you stay calm, consistent, connected when all youwant to do is scream, yank, cry, shut-down–make it all go away?
Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).
This over-the-top behavior? It means your child is ready to grow, become more independent, learn new things, get stronger from the inside out. Know this is possible BECAUSE of your work at parenting respectfully.
So how? With connection. Okay, maybe a few other things, as well, such as keeping your promises, clear expectations, choice choice choice, showing them over and over what they CAN do. And endless patience. Remember to deposit into your Self-Care Account often!
And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:
~You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave. What a way to communicate confidence to your child, a safe (emotional and physical) space for them to “bang around” in.
~You can trust me to keep my promises–you can count on what I say is what I mean AND will do calmly, gently, consistently. What a way to build the essential foundation of trust.
~I will sit beside you while you are a puddle of tears. I will wait with you; I will be quiet and know just when to encourage you gently, perhaps a bit light-heartedly, perhaps just with open arms to hold you.
~I will stay near while you finish your tantrum. I will keep you safe and others around you safe. I will manage my own upset and embarrassment so you don’t have to. (So often our work at “getting them to stop/behave” is more about our embarrassment and discomfort. How we choose to handle our feelings directly influences how and what our child learns.)
~I understand how you feel and you know this because I say things like: “You are really mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too. Shall we make plans to see them again soon?” “It really is frustrating when your little brother gets right into the middle of your work.” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn. You really like having turns at this game. Me, too…”
~I give you choices for how you CAN use your EXUBERANT self in appropriate ways: “You really want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quieter voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as LOUD as you’d like.” “ZOOM! You can run fast! You know what? The church has a rule of only walking. How about we go find the best running place of all together? I wonder where it might be…” “Ouch! Hitting hurts me! I can tell you are super mad right now. Sometimes you really need to HIT to get that mad out–we can go whack the couch pillows together, or maybe you can try high-fiving me on my hand with all your energy…”
~You can count on me to let you know what to expect. What a way for a child to feel more secure when his world is predictable: “We leave in 5 minutes. What would you like to finish up before we leave?” “When we are done reading these books, it is time to…” “When we head out the door to preschool, you’ll need your boots and coat ready to go. Do you want to stuff them in your backpack or wear them out to the car?” And then you keep your promise and follow-through no matter what your child chooses or how your child decides to behave.
A few more for you during those challenging moments…all with the intent to keep connection at the forefront and parenting respectfully leading the way:
“Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.” Then you do, calmly, matter-of-factly…respectfully.
“I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.” And maybe they need help in calming down–gently led to a quieter place, sat with without direct attention, held…or just given a space to be for awhile…
“Ohhh…that hurt your sister. She is really sad. I see how upset you are that she came in and wrecked your Lego structure. That just doesn’t feel fair, does it? I wonder what can help her and you feel better?” And you listen. Brainstorm. Comfort both as needed. Be available.
“I can hear you talking to me (as they whine…). You have something important to tell me.”
“It is really tough to share your toy with your friend. When you push and grab, it hurts his feelings. What is it you’d like to say?” Keep your attention on how you’d like them to handle things, rather than scolding for what they did…what we focus on grows, so choose with care where you put your attention.
Calm connection. Respectful parenting.
What does this require from you?
The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.
It asks you to be OKAY with feeling embarrassed, mad, frustrated–what a way to role-model for your over-the-top preschooler that you, too, feel all these feelings AND can be counted on to manage them well. Show your child what you do with your big feelings. Acknowledge and affirm your own–it’ll make it easier for you to PAUSE and do the same for your child.
This is a slow process–never a quick fix. Know that. And as a result of trusting your ability to parent respectfully and letting calm connection lead the way, you will discover your preschooler to morph into a cooperative, communicative, collaborative, totally awesome 5- or 6-year-old.
Just in time to gather yourself back together, enjoy family life once again, and be ready (and stronger!) for the next round of tumultuous times. At about 6.5 years of age. Hang on to your hat!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Push, Pull, and a PAUSE…
October 26, 2021 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment
A story for you…
A dad and fourteen year old daughter. A relationship already partly defined by (normal) resistance from the teen–you know, “Daaaad!!! I already DID practice my piano!” “Daaaad! STOP yelling at me!” “Daaad! I can do my homework, quit bugging me…”
A relationship that has them doing cool things together as well as struggling. Nothing very different, most likely, from many of you.
Teen: “Dad, can I go to Hannah’s house this afternoon?”
Dad: “What about your homework?”
Teen: “I was going to do it with her…and I thought I’d practice my music before I went.”
Dad: “I want a couple of hours with you today to go do something fun. Where could we fit that in?”
A nice and respectful exchange. Teen came up with getting her music AND homework out of the way immediately, and wondered if her friend could join her and dad on the adventure–YES came dad’s answer. What a great way to encourage a child to take charge of their work and day–to figure out how to manage time. Teen checked in with her friend.
Teen: “Hannah’s dad wants to take me and Hannah to the garden show downtown…”
Dad: “What about OUR time? Now that means I don’t get my time with you to go on our adventure.”
Teen: “Daaad! You could come with us!”
Dad: “I don’t want to go there. So you are just going to go off with Hannah and her dad instead of spend time with me…? I guess you just don’t want to be with me…” (Said with no twinkle in the eye and definitely sadness)
Okay. So maybe you are “hearing” what started happening. Dad really wanted time with his daughter. I love that. Daughter really wanted time with her dad. How cool that is! Daughter is also a teen with whom friends become mighty important–and necessarily so at this age. Daughter was offering up a wonderful idea of together time with two dad’s and two teens.
But this Dad took it personally (initially). He took it as his teen didn’t want to spend time with him, that he wasn’t important enough to choose over her friend’s dad, and (underneath all that) that she didn’t love him–and he responded emotionally with the intent to get her to choose their original idea over the new idea so he’d feel better. Understandable–he was looking forward to their adventure.
But here’s the deal–when we start using our disappointment as emotional leverage to try to get our child to change their behavior in order for us to feel better, we are now asking them to take responsibility for how we feel.
He was communicating “you must not love me enough and in order for me to feel loved by you, you need to do it my way…” THIS is what a child can “hear” when we p
ut how we feel in their hands.
This is why this story is important. Think about this. The teen now had a choice to make–to go with her friend and her friend’s dad (something she truly got excited about) leaving her dad sad and upset; or to go with her dad and say no to her friend.
But now how would she be feeling, going with her dad? I believe resentfully. Begrudgingly. Wishing she could be elsewhere but feeling like if she did, she’d make her dad feel even worse. If she went with her friend she’d be going feeling guilty about doing so and resentful towards her dad for “making her feel guilty.”
Neither of which are relationship-building.
Not quite what we intend when we feel hurt about how something unfolds. Not quite what we intend when we want our children to WANT to spend time with us. And if we are honest we do this, perhaps regularly, in our relationships–work really hard at getting our child (or our spouse?!) to do something (listen, behave, not throw a tantrum, quit rolling their eyes, decide to choose differently, get good grades…) in order for us to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud.
Just think about what could be different for us if we decided to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud NO MATTER how our kids decided to behave…
So really, this is about us. Let’s go back to Dad and teen. Teen was getting all upset, begging her dad to reconsider, to not see it as her deserting him, to try to get him to NOT be disappointed. This is where Dad took a very important step that turned what began as a relationship-depleting moment and let it become a relationship-building one.
He PAUSED. 
He took a moment to take care of his feelings of disappointment (something that really is HIS responsibility), to consider just what he really meant to say to his daughter and what he truly hoped for her, and then stepped back into his conversation with his teen and said:
“I’m sorry. I’m feeling disappointed because I was really looking forward to our adventure together. I think your friend and her dad have a wonderful idea and I want you to enjoy yourself…you and I can look to next weekend for doing an adventure together and I look forward to it!”
Now, whether he chooses to say “Yes, I’ll join you!” and see it as an opportunity to spend time with his daughter whether or not he likes garden shows OR if he chooses to pass, it becomes a matter-of-fact decision in which his teen can now decide for herself what she wants to do…now her focus is less on how dad feels, for he has taken responsibility for his own feelings, and her attention can be on how SHE feels about which choice seems best to her.
What a way to grow a respectful, self-directed, thoughtful future adult…and current teen 
.
Truly relationship-building. Respect for each other can now be communicated; feelings welcomed and understood; self-management and self-reflection become encouraged. And now the teen–no matter what she decides–can feel solid in her decision, in her relationship with her dad, in putting her attention to having a good time. Maybe she’ll even return home bursting with stories about all she did (or maybe how b-o-r-i-n-g it was…), wanting to share with her dad, excited to include him in her experiences…in her life…all because he PAUSED, considered, cared for himself, and then cared for her.
A story for you. May it bring you PAUSE as you consider focusing first on yourself, calming your feelings down, and then responding to your child in such a way they can grow themselves a little bit more towards the respectful, kind, thoughtful, joyful people you’d like to see. May it encourage you to work at caring for your self and your feelings so you can guide your children towards the same–able to take care of themselves, their feelings, and ultimately feel strong and confident in who they are becoming.
PAUSE today. It is a muscle to exercise and can be used at any time…and it always makes a real and positive difference.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned from a Baby
September 27, 2021 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Lessons learned (when exhaustion finally subsides…) from a baby…
...I’ve got you wrapped around my little chubby hand, now don’t I? Look at me, sound asleep, so peaceful, little sighs and funny expressions flickering across my face…at least, for the moment. And only if you keep holding me. You weren’t planning on getting anything DONE during nap time, were you?
…I really DO know when I’m hungry (you just need to figure out that when my diaper needs changing I sound THIS way, and when I’m sleepy, I fuss THAT way…), and I also know exactly when my tummy is full. That means stop nudging my lips with the bottle to get me to finish the milk you prepared. My tummy is FULL. For now. Give me about 30 minutes and maybe I’ll have room again.
...Just when you’ve gotten all my cute little clothes sorted I GROW! Poof! Over night! THAT was what all my “out of sorts” was about. I was busy growing.
…To catch naps when you can cuz I’m going to keep you up as much as possible the rest of the time… 
…That I am truly a capable and competent little soul who appreciates being warned before anything gets “done to me.” Let me know when you are going to pick me up; let me know when you want to wipe my chin or nose; let me know when I can expect a trickle of water over my tummy or a shirt to go over my head. It startles me when you don’t tell me, first.
…I really CAN figure out how to roll, sit, pull myself up all by myself when I’m given lots of time to be freely on the floor. I like it best when you watch–and I trick you to make you think I really like it when you do it for me…but then, how can I really grow my capable and competent self when you stand me up, rescue me from rolling under a chair, hold my hands to “make” me walk? Its fun…but these are MY jobs.
…Acting-as-if you are calm and confident as you hand me over to my care-giver for the first, tenth, hundredth time. Yup. I need you to act this way, other wise I’d think you didn’t trust my care-giver to take care of me or trust ME to be able to feel safe and secure while you are away from me. So hand me over. Smile at me. Say “bye” and then be sure to come back! I need to count on you…
...Letting go of strict routines while sticking to a predictable rhythm–now there’s a challenge I present you with! Ha. You think I will be hungry every 3 hours or ready for my nap at noon like usual. Well, have I got a surprise for YOU. I’m hungry NOW! And I have NO intention on napping at noon…nope. At least I can count on you to understand…to offer me my milk…to snuggle and look at me while I drink (No phones, please), to read me stories anyway, and then recognize I still have lots of wiggles to get out ’til I really AM ready for a snooze.
...That my fussy and out-of-sorts self needs you to listen and watch so you can comfort me how I need you to. That way you’ll discover if its my teeth hurting me or that I’m missing you or that I’m wet, sleepy, hungry, tired of all the company oohing and ahhhing over me, have too many dangly toys in front of my face, or am just DONE with the peek-a-boo game you keep trying to play with me. I KNOW you can figure it out because you always seem to end up doing just what I need…even if it takes several tries. I’m patient. Sort of. At least, I’m learning to be, with your company.
…That having a baby (ME!) can be overwhelming, joyful, exhausting, confusing, amazing. And heart-wrenching at times. Heart-filling, too. I sure know how to keep you on your toes, don’t I?!
What is amazing you about YOUR baby today? What lesson have you learned that has surprised you the most? I’d like to know 
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Connection vs Disconnection
June 13, 2021 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
What time do you value with your child enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?
I asked this of my husband the other day…in terms of me, not our children. I asked, because, unwittingly, he had it in his pocket and on (and due to being hard of hearing, it is on LOUD) while we were out strolling in a bird refuge. A date. Chatting with a couple we’d just met doing something similar. His cell rang, interrupting our new-found connection with the other couple; disrupting the focus of our time together–birds and wildlife and all the conversation surrounding this.
It frustrated me. You’ll be proud, though–I paused. Actually, I just walked away fuming, but still–that’s a pause. I thought about it…it took time, for I was upset, but time I had for I had left my spouse talking on the phone he answered while I disappeared down the trail. I fumed through the “How COULD he? We finally had time together…” “He KNOWS better.” “Why couldn’t he just let it go to message???” And on and on.
I processed through the upset, thanks to the space of a PAUSE.
And I came to a more settled place, a calmer place–and focused less on him and more on myself. Yes, I was hurt and discouraged. But what is it I really wanted? What is it I truly enjoy about my time with him? What fills my bucket, has me feeling connected and loved and valued? When do we have the most fun together?
THIS brought me to my question. What time do you value with your child, spouse, friend enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?
It is an important question.
Especially as I see parents fully embracing this digital life style and answering or checking their cells no matter where they are or what they are doing with their children. At the zoo. In the store. At the library. During piano recitals. In the car. Waiting at the doctor’s office. When juggling groceries, child, checker, payment.
Remember when (if you are old enough to remember!) we could go off to these places knowing any phone call would be on our message machine back at home–and we could tend to them then?No need to focus on all the myriad of other things in life when we were off with our children doing appointments, errands, adventures. Those other things would be waiting for us upon our return. There was enough to focus on just doing the things we were doing.
Life felt calmer, actually. Even with the million errands.
It seems inconsequential lots of times, this answering of our cell.
We’ve set our lives up to often need to answer and check and text whenever the ‘ping’ comes in, so it can be rather foreign to consider NOT doing so. But I’d like you to consider this–what message is it giving to whomever you are with and most especially your children when the phone’s disruption is allowed as just something normal and accepted, and tending to it is something we just automatically do?
I believe it sends a message of “What we are doing together isn’t as important as what’s on my phone.” “It’s okay to be constantly distracted…that’s what relating looks like.” “I’m too busy tending to my crazy life to take this time just with you…” “The phone rules…” “You aren’t valued enough to give my full presence to.”
I believe it sends a message of disrespect. Subtle, often, but there. And for children? This permeates all they do and think and feel…and then we wonder why they don’t act respectful, listen to us, stay focused on something, cooperate…
And think about this–what are you now missing when you allow your attention to be drawn from the child you are with to whatever comes through on your phone?
I’ve seen lots of little things missed…
…The wide-eyed surprise of a child as they watch a critter at the zoo and the glance to the adult to (hopefully) share this moment. And it is lost… 
…The frustrated toddler trying to manage something, and the parent missing the boat entirely due to the phone–and it ending up in World War III…because children just know when we really aren’t paying attention and they know just how to get our attention
…The way a child straightens themselves up, settles into the piano bench, glances into the audience looking for the comforting and encouraging smile from a parent…and the parent is looking down at their phone.
…The comfort a child takes in holding hands as they approach something cautiously…and the hand drops away to use the phone and the child shrinks into mom or dad…while the parent absentmindedly pats them on the back, missing the emotional and physical work of their child.
…The t
otally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.
…The intense absorption of a child in a project that you are a part of because he had drug you by the hand to come watch…a good time, one might say, to check the phone–your child is absorbed. And then, when the child looks up–whether to ask for help or show something or just needing to KNOW mom or dad are still there, watching with care–they see a parent focused on a phone.
Just a few of the little things I’ve noticed that get missed.
Now a child feels disconnected, a bit at a loss, and sometimes
this often leads right to misbehavior.
They at times try even harder to engage the parent–and end up having to “catch a parent up” with what the parent had missed. Or they just fall apart. Because it is connection–honest, present connection that matters to them. Or maybe continue on with whatever it was they were doing without seeming to care. But they do.
Because these little things? They add up. Hugely.
When tended to, they make our relationships closer, more connected, filled with joy. They show us things about our children that we need to know. They allow us to go deeper in our understanding of just why our child is melting down or feeling oh-so-proud. They give us the opportunity to really KNOW our children just a little bit more. They can be what makes or breaks a moment–or an entire day–behavior wise. They are what can create the memories you relish and delight in and can feel proud about. And now you feel closer, more connected, experiencing more joy. How cool is that?
What can you do, today, to show your child you
value your time with them enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?
Can you silence it and tuck it away, knowing you have time to tend to it in half an hour?
Can you practice leaving it in the car or at home occasionally?
Can you treat it more like a home phone and give it its place in the world–at least time wise–rather than letting it become a way of life that can undermine just the kind of relationships you intend to grow?
Just think what your child could “hear” when you say, “Let me put my phone away so I can give you and our time together my full attention.” And then you do.
I hope so. I really do. I am grateful to the increased awareness of the impact–both negative and positive–our technology driven lifestyles can have on our emotional and physical well-being. On our relationships. On our children. Our awareness is growing…our ability to be intentional about how we respond to all of it can, as well.
All I ask right now is for you to PAUSE and consider what time you value with your child (or yourself!) enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone.
And then do it.
Here’s to living well,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
The Kindness of Strangers
March 8, 2021 Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
In light of all the upfront and center news that can drag us down and leave us wondering what is happening to humanity, I’d like to share something small and meaningful (and yes, sad) that I witnessed recently...and because I firmly believe what we focus on grows, I encourage each of you to share (here or elsewhere!) things that have left you feeling equally filled and lifted.
Things filled with the kind, caring, joyful, compassionate humanity that surrounds us every single day.
Here’s my story…
A busy street.
A small, small dog. Obviously no longer alive. In the middle of this busy street.
Many a car swerving around this little guy. Mine included–and since my destination was less than a block away, by the time I got out of my car I was torn and heartbroken. Someone’s lovely little pup was gone.
I stepped into the store and asked if someone could join me to backtrack and hopefully scoop the little body up and at the very least set it to the side of the road…respectfully, carefully. And maybe, who knows, there’ll be a collar on this pup.
A clerk grabbed a small blanket and off we went.
And here is what completely touched both me and the clerk so very, very deeply.
By the time we returned–only minutes following my passing this little dog, cars were stopped in the street–both directions and on the nearby intersection, as well–and people from two other cars were out gently tending to this little guy.
And each and every car in line–both directions on this busy street–had their hazard lights on and blinking. Taking real care that anyone approaching from either direction would slow and stop as well. And they did. With lights on and blinking.
The clerk and I slowed, watched, and felt that moment of respect and gratefulness for all who paused to quietly wait and perhaps even grieve a bit. It felt like the moment of silence we give those who’ve passed at special ceremonies. Maybe someone in one of those cars was anxious to move on, who knows. But with hazard lights on, it felt more like a community pulling together for a brief moment to support others in their sadness.
We both found ourselves crying–for the little moment of PAUSE everyone on their busy way gave; for the sadness a family was sure to be immersed in; for the little dog who, probably out of joy for a bit of freedom, had run right out into this street; for the compassion shared.
Really, it was a beautiful moment. One filled with compassion, connection, even a quiet joy in the midst of very real pain.
These little moments? They count. And they can
make our world better.
I feel grateful I witnessed it.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Choice, but my choice, please!
January 18, 2021 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”
“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”
“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”
Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always 
tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…
When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.
There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.
There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.
Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen 
. And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.
So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .
Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.
What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?
PAUSE.
Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.
Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.
Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.
What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:
“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.
“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.
“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).
Now what can be learned?
That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.
Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.
What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?
PAUSE today.
Give your child the
gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning
always can be.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
I’m NEXT!
December 26, 2020 Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
“I’m NEXT!” Teacher Tom writes a wonderful post I encourage you to go take a look at. It’s called: That’s How to Share
“When you’re finished, I want a turn,” (although more often than not it’s expressed as, “I’m next!”) then let the person with possession decide for her or himself when it’s time to give way, which always happens sooner or later…
It’s not a perfect system, prone to abuse, but I think it’s better than the alternative which is for an adult to arbitrarily decide when it’s time to give it up, robbing children of an opportunity to practice working things out for themselves.” (Teacher Tom)
Alice’s take:
YES. Yes yes yes. We so quickly step in and decide for kids how much time they get with something, or decide it is time for them to give it up and give it to another, or for heaven’s sake, just QUIT that “fighting” and SHARE.
Really, it is so much more about our anxiety over conflict.
How are our kids ever going to learn to manage this (anxiety and conflict) if we–the adults–have such a hard time??
Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.
Respectful space means describing what you see–“Your friends are waiting for a turn when you are finished.”
Respectful space means staying tuned in on the periphery–because if any hurting starts to occur, you will be needed.
Respectful space means TRUSTING the kids to sort it out…and telling them just what you see–“It’s hard to wait!” “So you are going to be next?” “You are figuring out who gets which turn.” “So you want to play until lunch time? Your friends are waiting for their turn.” “You waited and waited and now he is done and it is your turn.”
Respectful space means staying calm and matter-of-fact, communicating confidence to the kids involved that they CAN sort it out.
And just think of all the learning, negotiating, problem solving that then occurs when we can calm our own anxiety over it all!
From the math skills of “whose next in line” and “there’s FOUR of us waiting!” to conversation and language through debating turns, to physical awareness and control from jostling in lines or discovering hitting will be stopped, to self-control for all the same reasons, to self-definition as kids discover just what they can and cannot do, to patience and problem solving and compassion and managing feelings…and on and on. So MUCH learning!
All because we got ourselves out of the way and provided the respectful space for them to sort it out.
It’s hard. And as Teacher Tom said, it can be prone to abuse…hence the need to be observant. It requires us to really consider just what we want the most for our children as they grow through the toddler and preschool years. Do we want the compliance that has US feeling better, more in control? Which is really what compliance is all about.
Or real growth and learning with a trusted adult alongside as tumultuous feelings and conflict and heated negotiations take place?
It’s hard. And the work we do as adults to manage our OWN anxiety over conflict is essential for our children to grow well. Start with these moments of “It’s MY TURN. I want it!” with a PAUSE in place, a deep breath, and just state what you see.
Start there. You may be surprised by what follows…and here is another post on just this topic that can help you along that I think you may enjoy: Let’s Talk Sharing.
Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your work is greatly appreciated! And inspires ME to write more 🙂 .
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Lessons Learned, Strengthened, and Deeply Appreciated
December 3, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments
Lessons learned and greatly appreciated (and quite applicable to parenting) from Life’s Neighborhood–the memory care wing in an assisted living home:
…Being fully present makes all the difference. Oh, yes.
…Connection via a hand placed on another becomes real, meaningful, and important. Holding hands, too.
…LIGHT radiates from those tremendous smiles given as an elderly senior feels that important–albeit often fleeting–connection. So like our baby’s Tremendous Smiles as they first catch sight of us each day…or moment…
…Music and singing lifts souls and taps feet, claps hands, and has some folks dancing–wheel chair bound or not. Movement! So like our little ones.
…Light-hearted humor and playfulness make everything easier and more fun. Laughing. It is essential. Including the kind that turns into tears.
…Pool noodles make great balloon whackers. Whacking balloons brings out GLEE. GLEE leaves folk chuckling, delighting, wanting more. Connection abounds. Playing! Always a good thing.
…The HARD is softened by the bits of JOY shared. And there is joy everywhere…we just have to be looking for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like a lovely gemstone. Sometimes it is the gemstone still in the rough…hard to see the beauty, light, and JOY. Yet it is still there…awaiting a bit of polishing.
…Improvisation. The art of being completely in the moment with another going with THEIR “agenda”, letting go of ours. Pretty powerful. Quite the trails one can go down with a senior with dementia (so like a full-on talking toddler at times as they chat their way through their play!).
…Being understood and appreciated right where a person is “at” brings the warmest smiles of all. Whether its joining alongside a senior who thinks he is headed to a “meeting” with the “boss” to talk about “the numbers” or a young child who is tickled over how the moon “walks with me” and it was “the kitty-no, dinosaur, no my imaginary friend who ate all the peanut butter cuz they crawled into the cupboard, Mama, and hid all night long just like in the story you read and so can I have cookies for lunch?”
...Knowing what to expect and given the chance to be ready feels ever so respectful. To see that in action with elders brings me all the way back to how essential that is for our babies.
…Feeling safe comes from calm, consistent, connected care-giving. And feeling safe is what makes many things possible. It can take time, this feeling safe. Hence the importance of our consistency.
…Big feelings abound. Stepping in alongside gently and quietly can make all the difference in the world. Oh, yes.
…Having a team to work with, laugh with, share with, cry with is essential. Often what self-care is when your work is emotionally and physically HARD and you give 100% all day long. This team-work? It makes all things possible.
Seniors with dementia. Care for them at its best is the very same that we need to be giving our children. Or everyone. Our presence, acceptance, touch. Our respect, gentle care, and calm consistency. What a reminder of how lives can be lived all through the years. What a gift to any of our relationships.
Lessons learned, strengthened, and deeply appreciated. I am grateful to Aegis Living for giving me gifts beyond measure as they so respectfully cared for my mother.
Thank you.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Stress, Conflict, and Relationships…
November 28, 2020 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments
“How we handle stress and conflict is
where relationships are born”
( screamfree and Hal Runkel )
I truly appreciate Hal’s work and all that I’ve learned and grown from as a result. Relationships are our foundation in life. Building healthy ones is essential. How we handle stress and conflict determines so much about the health of our relationships.
This is where how we decide to behave or respond in a heated situation either becomes relationship-building or relationship-depleting. And we get plenty of opportunity to practice, for conflicts and challenges with children come…well..sometimes every few minutes…:-)
Relationships are easy when things are all rosy. The real test is when it goes south…and here is where we have a choice.
So often we want to avoid the conflict or fix it immediately. Those unhappy, mad, testing, frustrated moments are uncomfortable–fixing them, making them go away gives us relief. But what does that require? Taking control of how our child is behaving–making them stop, ignoring them completely, cajoling, bribing, demanding, threatening. We become reactive, things spiral up, everyone ends up feeling yucky no matter how it turns out.
What does this communicate to our child? “You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset.” “You need me to decide for you how to feel and behave.” “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self.” That the stronger and more powerful one wins…probably not the message you really want to give. Definitely relationship depleting.
Our choice as things go south? PAUSE….
...and calm ourselves, first and foremost. Being able to calm ourselves (or act-as-if!) and then join in alongside our child through any conflict or discomfort speaks volumes. Respond rather than react. Listen. Collaborate. Still say “NO” as necessary AND from a calm and connected place. Now you are saying, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot,” “I have confidence in you,” “We will be okay,” “How you feel is up to you and I accept your feelings,” “I’ll be here with you as you work through your upset.” What empowering messages for our child.
I so love this story by Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care-–How To Be The Gentle Leader Your Child Needs.
It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.
With older kids, it can take longer. Standing calm, firm, and connected as your teen slams their bedroom door yet again can be incredibly difficult. The desire to go barging in and yell at them to listen, to cut it out, to ‘know better’ is tempting. And in the moment, you may get begrudging and resentful compliance. And this, ultimately, is relationship-depleting . For if they live with begrudgingly and resentfully ‘minding’ you, why would they ever turn to you for support and guidance when they really need it? And if they are busy hearing our “You need ME in order to tell you how to behave and feel”, this can translate to needing a peer to tell them how to handle drugs, sex, alcohol…yikes.
Staying calm, being available to re-connect, being kind and firm in the ‘no’ brings–over time with a teen (with any child)– respect. Now they can feel heard, maybe even understood. There more likely can be compromises. “No’s” can turn into positive negotiations and opportunities to say “Hmmm. I hear you. Let’s give it a try your way.” In many ways it is just like the toddler and preschooler tantruming–the calmer the space you can create with consistent, kind, clear messages, the more likely your teen can calm themselves and be available to really listen. And now they are more likely to tune into themselves–rather than our reactivity. It just takes longer and requires us to trust and persevere…and be patient. It really is a process.
Take time to look for where you are most consistent with your child, where what could be a challenge really isn’t. Think about how you are behaving in those situations. Notice how you feel–your calm, your clarity over what you want or expect, your ability to stay connected and be consistent with following through. Notice how, over time, a difficult situation can change as you choose to stay calm, connected, and consistent day in and day out. And reflect on how your relationship feels.
Relationships are born and grown in the midst of stress and conflict. Grow yours in the direction you want the most–towards trust, caring, confidence, compassion, respect.
And then go take care of yourself–your relationship with YOU is the foundation for all other relationships. Today trust yourself, care for yourself, be confident in yourself, show compassion and respect for yourself. It’ll speak volumes to those around you.
Need help? Here you go: PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection and/or Alice’s Author Page.
Here’s to PAUSE…and growing amazing relationships.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
It’s Tough Being a New Big Brother…
November 7, 2020 Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
A story to share!
A Mama, 3.5 year old, and new baby.
Mama and Mr. 3.5 crouched on the floor together, working at “tying his shoes.” Baby beginning to stir and wake in cradle. Mama and Mr. 3.5 continue working on making bunny ears with the laces and doing the very tricky work of wrapping one ear around the other and tucking it under… 
Baby begins to fuss. First softly, then a bit more loudly . Just as little babies do to let you know they are awake, hungry, wet, needing you.
Mr. 3.5 tenses a bit…but stays rather intensely focused on and a bit agitated with his rabbit ears and tying. You can bet he heard Baby. You can bet he wondered about this interruption. You can bet, because he IS the older brother…just getting used to this new person in his life…and all that THAT means.
Mama PAUSES. Listens to the slowly growing CRY in the nearby cradle. And then, staying crouched on the floor totally focused on and present to Mr. 3.5’s tying work, says, “Baby! I hear you. You are waking and ready for something. When I am all done helping Brother with his shoes, I will come.”
Mr. 3.5? He visibly relaxed. Never straying from his work. Mama smiled and said, “You are working hard at this tying job! Let me know if you need help.” And she stayed, crouched and focused, ears still cocked for Baby, knowing that by staying with Mr. 3.5, it would only be another minute at best and then she could give her full attention to Baby.
And Mr. 3.5 DID it! He finished wrapping one ear around the next, tucking it under, snugging it down, looked up at Mama and grinned. So proud of himself! Mama grinned right back and said, “You DID it. You worked at it until you got your own shoe tied. You are ready to go play. I am ready to help Baby…”
And off Mr. 3.5 dashed down the hall, happy, content, feeling confident in himself, EMPOWERED. And Mama–off to the cradle and as she leaned over, she said, “I’m here, Baby. I’m all done helping Brother with his shoes. He tied them all by himself! (this said, because she KNEW he had one ear cocked her way…). Let’s see what you need…”
It’s tough, you know, being the older sibling with a new baby. All that attention once had is now divided. This Mama? She knew how hard it can be and she knew she wanted to foster a positive and respectful relationship for her two children. By pausing and staying focused on Mr. 3.5 without dashing off to Baby she was communicating her respect for what he was doing. She was letting him know he and his work was important.
What a way to fill a bucket that is feeling a bit empty with all the new changes in the household.
Baby? With her voice and words she reached out to Baby. Now Baby hears her…and Mama followed through with exactly what she said. I know, it seems a new baby wouldn’t understand this and perhaps she SHOULD have jumped up to attend. But this Mama listened carefully and knew the crying wasn’t too much, yet.
And babies DO understand. This understanding begins at birth and comes from this practice with words, voices, calm connection, promises of coming kept.
The cool thing is, over time, Baby soothed with just hearing Mama’s voice. And big brother was more and more able to wait when it was Baby’s turn first. Because he could count on what his Mama said, she meant and would do. No matter what.
Does this mean there weren’t times of major disruption, upset, tears, fights between brothers? Oh no 🙂 . But it DID mean that respect and calm connection were the foundation. And this is a very strong foundation, able to weather all sorts of turmoil and tumultuous times…
So today. PAUSE with your children. Use your voice. Stay present to the one you are with–even if it is to say, “I want to finish reading this book to you, but your sister needs me right now. Do you hear how upset she sounds? I will go get her and then come right back so we can finish our story…” And you keep your promise.
Here’s to this Mama, big brother, and baby. Here’s to you today as YOU do the hard work of parenting well, patiently, calmly, respectfully.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Let’s Take Care of Each Other
November 4, 2020 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
“Let’s just take care of each other.” Then there is his first phrase, “Let’s stop screaming at each other.”
PAUSE. Always, always a PAUSE.
It begins with each and every one of US, this difference we can make for our world. It begins with a PAUSE.
A PAUSE that allows us to take a breath in a heated situation. To calm ourselves, even a bit. To consider with care just what it is we want the most–and I mean in the big picture, including and most especially as parents. The big picture takes you out of the heat of the moment–out of “I just want my child to BEHAVE!” and into just what that translates to as you see yourself successfully parenting a child towards a responsible, self-directed adulthood. Because often it isn’t about behaving a certain way in the moment..
It is about helping our children to learn to manage themselves in the long term in order to navigate life in healthy, affirming, productive, considerate, contributing ways, and building healthy relationships along the way.
er the RESPECT that is now communicated. When we PAUSE, calm, reflect, respond; when we take care of ourselves, and intentionally care for others–we are communicating a deep care and RESPECT for all.Now we CAN live from the steady, centered, inner-directed
place that allows us to influence and impact our children, world, all our relationships in life affirming ways.
Touch someone’s soul.
Thinking Ahead With Respect
October 9, 2020 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
In the midst of parenting a young child? Consider this…
You’ll want your teen to show respect, both for themselves and for others.
You can begin right now with your young(er) child to build the foundation and relationship that will more likely grow a teen able to do all of the above. 
It starts with OUR respect. Begin now to model how your child deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies respecting their space–both emotional and physical. What does this look like with our younger kids? A few ideas:
Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way. Listen, affirm, and if things still need to happen the way you see best, calmly follow through. Now their ideas are valued, and cooperation can step up.
Preschooler + Airplane = ?
October 7, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! 2 Comments
A story for you…
A full airplane. A mama, grandmom, and 3.5-year-old. Mr. 3.5 was strapped into his carseat, fully FULLY engaged with peeling itty-bitty stickers off of a sticker sheet and ever-so-carefully poking them into place upon his knee.
Great concentration. Wonderful fine-motor work 
. Grandmom and Mama watching, occasionally commenting, definitely enjoying. Me, too. I was across the aisle.
Mr. 3.5 finished filling his knee with stickers, looked at the empty sticker sheet, and promptly began peeling each itty-bitty sticker off the knee he had just filled and transferring them one at a time to his OTHER knee.
Again, concentration. Focus. Total involvement. One finger poking them into place ever so carefully. Totally fun watching him do his work!
Mama and I spoke (really, how could I resist?!). I mentioned how focused and intent her little guy was and how cool it was to see him engaged in this rather than (and, yes, if you follow me you know what is coming next) being handed a screen to watch.
I mentioned how incredible this simple activity was for building his brain.
And Mama said, “We used to use screens. No more. He was diagnosed with speech delay. Ever since we focused on other activities for him, his speech has caught up!”
Mama was quite pleased, and then showed me the books they brought along for the ride, more stickers (since her son LOVED stickers!), and other airplane activities–including Grandmom–who, as the plane took off, pointed and talked and commented on all Mr. 3.5 was seeing out his window (a momentary pause from sticker work…)
Speech delay. Just one of the many things to be aware of as a result of your little one being exposed to too much screen time.
Think about it–each time they are “plugged in” there is LESS language and conversation from/with you. The language often used by us (if we use any at all) with our kids when they are “on a screen” is simplified to things like “push there/swipe that/see that.” Rarely the rich language we use in conversation or when involved in hands on activities or exploration.
And it is this rich language in real time with an important-to-them adult that has our little ones’ brains firing away, building all those neural pathways necessary for ALL things, speech included.
Even OUR screen time can be a part of a young child’s speech delay—the more we are distracted, the less we respond to our children in meaningful, rich, connected ways.
The more we CAN give our full presence no matter how brief, our respect as shown by our full presence, our meaningful words because now we are tuned in to just what they are doing or what we are trying to communicate to our little ones, the more THEY can grow in optimal ways. Simple. Hard at times. Often exhausting. And worth it.
Absolutely worth it.
And just think–when our children do have the ability to understand our meaningful and naturally more complex language AND speak (or sign!) it, it means LESS frustration and falling apart and acting out making our job just a bit easier. Now that’s something to think about!
Kudos to this Mama. She learned the hard and concerning way, intentionally created positive change, and glows as a result. Her son is thriving. And sleeping, now. Thank goodness because Mama was tired, too…. All that sticker work exhausted him!
A story to consider.
Check out the Screen Time Action Network for more help, resources, support, encouragement.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Mister Rogers. A Champion for All.
September 24, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment
I am incredibly moved. Tears in my eyes kind of moved. I share this again because I saw this documentary again. And again, I was incredibly moved. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=FhwktRDG_aQ
Mister Rogers–a champion of all things children
is becoming a champion for all.
He was, always has been, and continues to be a hero of mine, a hero of many of yours, a definite hero of children. I have turned to him over the years to be reminded of, encouraged and inspired by his quiet, calm reassurance. I have always seen him as a person to aspire to. He is a man of integrity. He spoke and lived with the respectful presence and quiet certainty that has, can, and will hopefully continue to change our world in powerful ways.
I know for some, his slower way of speaking is difficult to listen to. We make jokes about it, we feel a tad uncomfortable at times, we stop listening as a result.
If you haven’t seen when he spoke at a Senate hearing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ
…then I encourage you to do so.
It speaks (yes, slowly) VOLUMES of how, when we PAUSE and really, truly listen, we can change the world. Mister Rogers did at this Senate hearing; he does still, years after his passing. Despite many of us being uncomfortable with his way of being.
Mister Rogers was a pro when it came to feelings–and being comfortable in all feelings–yours, mine, his. Hence, despite many adults feeling odd around his slow, measured self–he has made the kind of positive impact that is expanding in infinite ways.
He can be a lesson in patience. He can be the role-model for the kind of authenticity we need more of. He can show all of us what can be deeply meaningful and important for any and all relationships. We can chuckle about it. We can look the other way. And yet, Mister Rogers? He stays steady and certain in all that is Right and Good for children. For us.
I am grateful he is, long after his passing, becoming a shining example of the love, light, and goodness so essential for living well.
“…each child, if you truly listen to him or her, is a universe of thought and feeling and what we owe every one of them is to hear who, exactly, they are. That’s how you build a sane society.” (Mister Rogers)
“He is needed because of his quiet calm reassurance, love and how he helps you manage your feelings–even hard ones like anger, fear, and grief.” (Reviewer)
“…if we make feelings mentionable and manageable…(a child can have) the good feeling of control…” (Mister Rogers)
“.. .it’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you. The greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they are loved and capable of loving.” (Mister Rogers)
“…it is essential for us to make ‘goodness’ a foundation.”
(Mister Rogers)
Thank you, Mister Rogers, for continuing to radiate the love, light, compassion, and genuine care we all need more of. May we all be lifted so we can lift others along our way.
For that is what this really is all about–growing
ourselves in such a way we can be the one to lift another in times of need; to be the one receptive to another’s care and compassion so we can be lifted.
You know, it really does take a village of caring neighbors.
Won’t you be my neighbor?
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Conversations with Baby
September 18, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Oh yes!
What a delight it is to converse with a baby…a toddler…and onward up through the ages–yes, even the teenagers who can get a bit less-than-wonderful as they roll their eyes and use THAT tone of voice.
Click here for a fabulous article on just this. Conversing, and the impact it has on your baby.
Conversation, as research has found and many of us have known and practiced and encouraged, is key for…well…everything. From language development to social and emotional to relationship building to meaningful connection….
It is essential for healthy brain development. And healthy brain development is the foundation of learning and living well.
And it begins with BABIES. It requires us to be fully engaged. It asks for the give and take and nuances of conversation. It means being aware, taking turns, and staying in the moment with your little one.
Like the older woman of recent who I watched engage a baby new to her:
Woman: “Hello! And look at you….” PAUSE.
Baby: Eyes
widen as she studied this stranger. (And yes, no verbal response is necessary. Those eyes widening as the woman paused? THAT was a conversational response…)
Woman: “You are really studying me. I know I’m new to you…” PAUSE.
Baby: Wiggles. Glances to Papa who is holding her. Looks back at woman and reaches out a chubby hand.
Woman, as she holds out her palm to Baby: “You are curious about me! I wonder if you’d let me hold you?” And she held out both her hands and paused once again. Waiting for Baby’s response. Ever so respectful.
Baby: Studied the woman’s out-reached hands. Looked at her face, and then subtly leaned her body toward the woman.
Woman: “Oh! You are ready to have me hold you!” And she took curious Baby into her arms and continued on with this beautiful give and take conversation–verbally one-sided, and fully FULLY turn-taking and engaged.
It was a lovely exchange–actually, a “dance”–to witness. The respect shown, tremendous. THIS is a conversation.
And the more we practice it with our babies by asking and waiting, the more they become toddlers chatting away with you–the more it is important–oh SO important–that we engage respectfully and meaningfully.
And consider this:
“…but if you’re not engaging with the child and having a conversational duet about what the child is interested in, you’re not going to give the child the language processing skills that they need…” (Roberta Golinkoff)
A conversational duet about what the child is interested in.
What happens when, as seen increasingly these days, we “converse” with our little one as we glance back and forth from our phone, texting, scrolling, distracted?
We lose the duet. We lose what our child is truly interested in, focusing on, curious about. We often miss cues that are ever so important in this duet. We show our child that communication and conversation is secondary to what’s on our phone. And then we wonder, down the road a bit, why our child doesn’t listen to us. Among other things… 🙂
And when we make this the norm, we are–as science is showing and professionals such as Magda Gerber has always spoken of–displacing just what our children need the most to grow WELL. To feel connected, deeply. To be seen and respected as the capable and competent souls they are. To be truly understood. To be interacted with from a place of understanding.
We miss their cues. And this translates into less learning, displaced development, fewer words/language skills. And this? It ripples out to how they learn, move through school, build relationships…to how they GROW.
We want our best for our children. Let’s start with some basics–meaningful connection, our presence, our respect. Conversation. Meaningful, rich, and it begins at birth and can be fostered at ANY age.
Start today with a PAUSE, with your presence, with your ability to really notice and observe how your little one responds to what you have to say.
And then, when it is your turn, respond. Pretty amazing. Very powerful. Wonderfully relationship-building.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
The Cost of Smart Phones…
September 7, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment
It is such a struggle.
A million connections and “have-tos” to maintain AND all the needs of our children. Not to mention our own self-care, our relationship with our partners, work, meals, finances, illness, you name it.
It’s a struggle, this juggling we all do. Exhausting. Frustrating. Trying to be good parents, friends, employers and employees, partners.
Enter in smart phones. Yes! This struggle, with phone in hand, feels like it can be eased.
Now we can manage so much of our life where-ever we are. Maybe we can take care of the scheduling, banking, finding key information, and still connect with other adults (whew! Adult time, essential)…all while our children play at the library book center…the park…on the playground…in front of a screen of their own…in the waiting room at the doctor’s office…in the grocery cart busily munching an apple. All because of our phone.
We can do all of this as we move through our day without stopping (or breathing, sometimes), maybe with the intent of freeing ourselves up come evening time and really enjoy our family meal or pile of books or play time outside.
Maybe.
Or maybe we find that smart phone and all the connections encroach upon our evenings. Ring Ding Ping and our attention moves from our child or our self or whatever we are engaged in to our phone. Or laptop. Or iPad. Or whatever digital device that is the latest and greatest.
It IS a struggle.
With all the increasing awareness of the essential time
AWAY and OFF of screens is for growing well, building healthy relationships, having brains that really can be at their optimum…we should be doing better.
Yet it seems rather harmless…
…as we sit on the library play area’s floor with our child happily toddling around to engage ourselves on our phones.
…to pay more attention to our phones rather than staying tuned into our babies, their experience, their interest in the world around them.
…to sit on the bench at the playground and do more of our work while our kids are roaring around.
…to say, “Wait a sec! Daddy just texted me…” as your child is in the middle of telling you a funny story from school.
…to constantly or daily text our teens and young adults in order to feel more connected and involved in their lives.
It SEEMS rather harmless. And you know, on occasion it is necessary and totally okay and even fun. Yet is it really so necessary the majority of the time? Or have we gotten ourselves into a lifestyle of on-line living that we find it a real struggle to step away from it?
And at the cost of what? I believe at a very concerning cost to our relationships–with ourselves, our partners, our children. In so many ways. Think about those teens and young adults as we constantly stay “connected” by texting them–how can they do the ever-essential cutting of the apron strings when we won’t untie them ourselves? That’s a whole other post to write..
With our attention constantly divided or, as in with our teens and young adults, constantly given because now we CAN, we communicate an underlying disrespect for (and with our teens, a lack of confidence in) another. And what I feel quite concerned about is how THAT seems “normal” now. No big deal. Yet it is a big deal.
This subtle disrespect (or not so subtle at times…)? It ripples out and permeates everything we do, every relationship we have. It OKs a culture of disrespect. We’ve been seeing an overwhelming amount of that in recent years.
More importantly, our kids feel disconnected from us.
They have to try even harder for our attention (in not so good ways, usually…). They “hear” THEY aren’t as important as what is ringing dinging pinging on our phones. They “hear” what they do and who they are isn’t appreciated or understood by us–how could it be when we are constantly glancing down at our phones, then up to nod and smile and say, “Yes! I see you! I hear you!” then down again to our phones? Ever hear, “But MOM, you aren’t listening to me with your EYES!”??
The teens and young adults who we feel so connected with due to texting so often with them? They “hear” our lack of confidence in their ability to separate, LAUNCH, become independent adults. Probably not what any of us intend.
I’m betting it is rather exhausting–emotionally and physically–for our kids to constantly remind us to look, hope we will look, to catch us up on the story by re-telling it because we got interrupted yet again. Or maybe not retelling it and just shrugging their shoulders and saying “Never mind…”, feeling even less connected with us. Or, of course, acting up and out as they try ever so hard to GET our attention. Negative behavior, enough of it, often draws our attention pretty quick…:-)
I’m betting it is rather exhausting emotionally and physically for our older kids and young adults who feel they have to juggle our texts constantly, or have decided it is the norm to stop whatever they are doing and disconnecting from whomever they are with to answer, yet again, one of our Ring Ding Pings to them. Or maybe they answer because they feel responsible for how we will feel if they don’t stop what they are doing to respond…
And just think of and know about the exhaustion in our own bodies and minds as we constantly have to re-attend to whatever it is we are trying to attend. You know, listening to, learning about, or reading something of interest, to hear that Ring Ding Ping, to glance, maybe respond, to then re-focus on what you were first doing? We lose. A lot, over time. And when it becomes our norm, we forget how much we lose. Until the stress or the overwhelming nature of it all causes a big enough crises in our life that we decide to choose differently.Like anxiety. Withdrawal. Rebellion. Depression. Ours AND our children’s.
It is a struggle.
I see it everywhere. Even as I am incredibly intentional with my screen use, I feel the struggle, too. I definitely feel the exhaustion.
The question is:
What more can we do to create the healthy space FROM our phones and screens so we can be SURE to create the healthy relationships, to actually use all these moments throughout our days in relationship building ways and recognize how they count hugely over time?
To truly deposit, often and with our full and respectful presence, into all our relationships?
Share with me what works for you to be intentional with your screen use, rather than going through your day always reacting to those fairly constant Ring Ding Pings. I’d like to know. We all need encouragement to PAUSE and BE fully with another, with ourselves. We all need encouragement to step away from this constantly ON life-style we’ve found ourselves in–to know that there is a real and essential necessity to step OFF.
To find the balance that truly builds
all relationships in healthy ways.
I encourage all of us to be intentional with all that we do–most especially, in how we connect meaningfully with our children and others in our lives, and what place our devices actually have in doing so.
I’d like to know your thoughts…share with me!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Please Don’t Cry!
August 25, 2020 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment
When my daughter was a teen and going through an intense emotional time, I wanted nothing more than to fix it for her–to make her upset go away.
Isn’t that what many of us want? We want our children to be happy, content, confident, you name it. But my wanting to “fix” her upset? This was more about me needing to feel better–to feel I’m a good parent because 1) I have the power to “fix” her problems and 2) my daughter was happy once again. I knew this wasn’t healthy–this wasn’t going to help, support, encourage, or empower her to learn how to manage her own self. To become happy, content, confident in herself. It would only serve to make me feel better and probably only temporarily until the next round of emotional upset.
Instead, I paused. I considered what I really wanted–for her to feel in control of herself, capable at being upset, and to know that I am a resource she can always count on.
I took a moment to think about what upset feelings of either of my children I have been most comfortable in. I found myself reflecting back to toddler and preschool years and physical hurts. Though they came to me scraped up and bloody, alligator tears and sobbing, I remembered how I could welcome their upset with open arms, with a sense of calm, and just–quite literally–sit with them as they cried.
I remembered how, in time, I could ask how they’d like to handle their owie and give them as much control over it as possible. I felt calm, I stayed connected, I was quiet and close as they unloaded their upset. I was okay with their great big sad. I like to think this is why, as young adults, they are far more matter-of-fact with their physical injuries…taking the hurt in stride and addressing it from a positive perspective.
I took this knowledge and memory of what worked and felt successful in the past and ‘wore’ it going into this VERY difficult experience with my daughter. On the outside I was calm, on the inside I was actively pausing and talking to myself and recognizing the anxiety that was trying to bubble up.
As I acted-as-if I was that young mom with a hurt toddler, I found myself sitting next to her, rubbing her back, no eye contact, staying quiet as she unloaded. I waited until her tears slowed and then I asked questions rather than offered solutions. She calmed herself down, came up with ideas, asked for my thoughts, and ultimately moved forward positively and well. I remember this moment for it was incredibly difficult for me NOT to jump in with my ideas, advice, desire to fix it all so she could get back to happy. There’s that power of pause at work.
The gifts? For my daughter it was the confidence in her I demonstrated as I sat with her calmly–confidence in her ability to manage all her upset. It was the empowerment she felt as a result. It was how she could take charge and move forward. It was a moment that she found she could turn within and gather up her inner strength. It was a moment she knew I was there for her, not for me.
For me? It was a moment of meaningful connection. A deposit into our relationship. A moment when I knew, deep down, that she would eventually soar and that I just grew a bit stronger myself. It has strengthened my ability to sit in an uncomfortable place–with myself and with others. And I like to think I am role modeling for my girls just what to do with those less than wonderful feelings…at least, some of the time! It is a practice…oh, and we get so many opportunities to practice every single day .
Mister Rogers’ has been and always will be a hero of mine. He inspires me daily as I reflect often on what he’d do–whether it is with children or in response to life. Thank you, Mister Rogers.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2014 Alice Hanscam
Oh, the FUN!
August 3, 2020 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
A story to (hopefully!) delight you as much as it did me:
Two little boys, ages Nearly Six and Three. Exploring a wooded lot in our neighborhood with their parents (hoping to buy and build). Me, walking nearby.
“ROOAAAARRRR!” with claws up from Mister Three.
Parenting is Hard. Confusing. Exhausting. CONSTANT.
April 18, 2020 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment
You know, it’s easy for me to forget just how insane parenting can be when you have two jobs, school, activities, whining, complaining, yelling, lack of desired compliance, stubborn-ness, talking back, slamming doors, AND maybe single parenting…
Oh, the noise noise NOISE. Audible and visual. Chaos.
I was 
reminded of this the other night as I spoke with a group of parents coming together to grow their ability to create meaningful connections with their children. To feel stronger in their ability to be sure they are building relationships in healthy and positive ways.
As you can imagine, it was all about PAUSE and how–in a heated button pushing moment and total craziness–to create one, how it can influence positively, how it can change in sometimes teeny tiny ways and other times in tremendous ways, a situation, interaction, relationship.
It was also about how HARD this all is.
I heard about how, when 3 kids are coming at you, your head fills with HEAT and you feel ready to explode. And often do.
I heard the “I just want my child to RESPECT me and LISTEN to me–preferably the first time…because she never does!”
I heard the “NOTHING works in regards to my kid staying in bed and it drives me nuts…I am so tired of totally losing it…”
And I heard how deep each parent’s love goes and is felt as they shared what feels especially good to them. Story time with all the kids piled up on the bed together. Reading on the couch with snuggling girls. Being the lap your child crawls into to share a great big sad. Family Bed Time each morning when they first crawl in-between mom and dad with arms splayed to be sure to touch both of you and just..well…snuggle some more. Quietly. At least…for the first minute or so.
I was reminded how being totally immersed in parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Confusing. Emotional. CONSTANT.
I know this. I definitely understand it. And yes, I can be pretty far removed from it, as well. Sort of like forgetting over time the pain of child birth…? And remembering only the moment of meeting my babies for the first time…
So I apologize. I apologize if my words speak to you of possibilities that seem out of reach. I apologize if my work and words seem too far removed from YOUR reality. And I also stand by my work and words. Because you know what? I really DO remember the insanity of it all. Maybe different insanity, for we each have different experiences and realities, but insanity and chaos all the same.
And I also know, without a doubt, that there are ways to move through this chaos feeling a little less HOT. A little less overwhelmed.
More confident. More centered.
Stronger and steadier from the inside out.
It doesn’t remove the HARD. It just makes it something you can actually feel better about being in. Sometimes truly clear and confident and calm. Sometimes just a bit better and that counts and is worth focusing on. Actually, NECESSARY to focus on.
You know what else I heard?
I heard the AHA’s as the parent who feels HOT with all the noise noise noise realized that these times go so much better when she either sends everyone outdoors OR if she talks to herself and names HER mad and upset in her head. She feels a little more in control of her self. I hope she takes this and runs with it–to notice feeling a little better and let it shift how she then responds to her kids. To use “going outdoors” for herself, if not the kids. What a difference that can make.
I heard the dad who gets driven nuts endlessly by bedtime stuff say, “But it doesn’t happen when mom is gone…” Something IS working. Worth looking at. I hope he does take time to consider what is different about bedtime for him and his son when mom is gone…
I heard the mom who wants her child to just LISTEN to her realize that their last vacation, unlike all the others, actually went really smoothly…that her little girl DID listen, stay close, cooperate, have fun. She even shared how they’d belt out tunes together in the car and how mom found she really didn’t mind the mess in the back seat…I hope she considers how her feeling a bit lighter, more matter-of-fact, and able to let go of certain things spoke volumes to her little girl.
I heard the mom with the sobbing 11-year-old realize that the fact her daughter felt she COULD come and sob just with her was really a gift. One that spoke of her daughter feeling safe and secure with mom. That she trusted her and therefore could let it all hang out. Maybe now, instead of feeling like all the work she did at letting go of the annoying texts and complaints led to failure (“my daughter lost it anyway!”), she recognizes it actually led to her daughter being able to share some of her deepest feelings. Talk about relationship building.
My work? It isn’t about making all the hard, upset, big feelings, chaos disappear.
My work is about helping YOU gain at least a foothold on the steadying place within that allows you to move through the hard, upset, big feelings, and chaos feeling stronger.
Maybe only a bit, maybe in time a lot. But stronger, none the less. It is less about being oh-so-calm and way more about feeling steadier, stronger, clearer, more confident. This can lead to calm…and sometimes begins with calm…but calm can be tough to find in the craziness of life.
I learned a lot that night, because I listened, remembered, appreciated…and I hope the parents left feeling a bit of the meaningful connection with each other, with me that they came to explore and strengthen for themselves. I hope they left realizing how they were already connecting with their children in lovely, relationship building ways and had one more tool for doing more of this. This is always my intent.
To leave others feeling
supported, encouraged, even empowered to create MORE of what they truly want.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Let’s Talk Potty Training
April 12, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Let’s talk potty training.
I’ve heard a lot of angst over parents’ struggles with “training their child to use the potty.” Real concern over the increasing amount of treats and screen time rewards and none of it working–or at least, not for long. I’ve heard “I hate this stage!” “I’m going crazy!” “We never leave the house anymore–I’m afraid of all the accidents…”
I’ve never liked that word, “training.” I think it is totally mis-used and mis-leading for it puts the focus on us rather than our child. It leads us to thinking WE have to train our children to potty. When we head that direction, it becomes a mission to figure out how to make our little ones know when they need to use the potty, to actually pee or poop in the potty, and to stay dry in their “big girl or boy pants.” And really, what do we have control over? Certainly not the inner workings of our child’s body…OR their thoughts or feelings regarding it all.
I could spend time telling you my stories with my little girls–and yes, I tried hard initially to “make them use the potty.” Good intentions, of course, but as soon as I was in the mix like that, pottying became a real struggle. Not what I wanted.
I learned, over time, to step back. I learned to immerse them in all things “pottying”, talk about it matter-of-factly, and communicate my confidence in their ability to manage themselves…
Easier said than done, of course 🙂 
Here’s what I encourage for parents in the midst of what can become a struggle or for those considering just how to “train” their little one…
Immerse them in Potty Culture–create an environment that is all about pottying from watching you use the toilet, to helping flush, to washing hands, to playing with a potty chair, to reading lots of books about using the toilet, to talking about it all through the day when appropriate. And probably when it isn’t appropriate, as well…funny how those dinner times can include potty talk when you have a toddler or preschooler in the house!
Describe what you see them doing as they retreat to a corner to poop in their diaper, “I can see you feel ready to poop. Let me know when you are all done and I can help get you changed.” Now they are learning a bit more about how their body feels and have the ability to be in charge of themselves. Essential for all healthy growth.
Offer them choices–“Do you want to flush my pee down the toilet all by yourself?” “Do you want to pee in your diaper or in the potty?” “Do you need to use the toilet before we head out?” “Do you want to wear a diaper or undies this morning?” Choice (and us respecting their choice) is key for growing capable, competent, confident children who know what they are and are not responsible for.
Make no big deal about whatever they choose–the greater the fanfare, the more they might do something…and the flip side is they now have a way to really push our button as they decide to do the opposite–because fanfare puts their attention on US. Keep fanfare to a very minimum by just describing what they do–“You chose to pee in the potty! Are you ready to flush it down the toilet?” “Thank you for letting me know you are done pooping. I can help you get changed.” “You chose undies today and you used the toilet every single time you needed to pee. Look–your undies are all dry! I bet that feels good on your body.”
Minimize or keep rewards out of the picture…if you decide to include them, make it (again) a matter-of-fact deal and hopefully not food or treat oriented. “When you use the potty, we can read your favorite book together.” “When you are done on the potty, you’ll be ready to head outside and swing high in the sky!” Now using the potty is way less about a reward and way more about the next step to their day…as is (if they choose to not use the potty) our ability to easily and matter-of-factly say, “We can save your favorite book for when you are ready to use the potty!” No battle, Just a clear statement of what they can expect coming from a parent relaxed about whatever decision they make.
Be calm, matter-of-fact, respectful. Trust the process and your child’s timeline. If you feel pressure, they’ll feel pressure–and I’m sure you already know what happens then. So take care of yourself. They WILL head off to college without diapers…!
Know that, as you calm yourself, you communicate your confidence in their ability to manage themselves.
As you relax and focus on a rich Potty Environment rather than focusing on making them use the potty you are giving them the chance to focus on themselves and feel in control and in charge of themselves. Just what we really do want more of–kids who take responsibility for themselves, kids who are tuned into their own bodies and feelings and can manage both.
There is much more that can be shared…especially as parents are in the midst of a struggle about pottying. Looking to where your child is successful, where they do manage themselves, what parts of the pottying process they do engage the most in (maybe just tearing TP up and dropping it in the toilet or delighting in the FLUSH!)–looking to these parts that are working can encourage you, as well. And them! For now our attention is on what we want more of, rather than getting lost on the trails of “they’ll never be out of diapers…”
Okay. My thoughts for now. I look forward to comments and questions and stories of what worked for you! And if you’d like more of my work, know that you can find a collection to inspire you in my newest book, “Parenting Through Relationship.” Find that right here.
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Wiggles and Giggles!
February 21, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…
The father and three children (ages 4 to 8) in a local ice-cream shop totally engaged with each other playing Rock, Paper, Scissors…
The giggles, the glee, the twinkles in the dad’s eyes as yet again he somehow got swallowed up by paper, cut by scissors, pounded by rocks. Another hand game followed–unfamiliar to me–that had the kids negotiating with each other, the dad learning, the entire family focused on each other. The climbing on laps, the up and down and back and forth, the JOY. Truly a delight and what wonderful deposits into all their relationships. 
Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”
And the children glowed.
The family of four in a local restaurant, a young teen and toddler. No technology on the table…
…including cell phones, tablets, you name it. Just the four of them talking, sharing food, laughing. The interactions with the toddler were a delight to watch–his teen-aged sister included him in conversation, eyes big and wide, smiling and engaging him, taking his 2-year-old input quite seriously. Mom obviously found real joy in watching two-year-old antics, listening to teen ideas and concerns…and dad? He planted himself next to his toddler absorbing all the goings on calmly and peacefully. They left the restaurant hand in hand. Lovely to see, heartwarming to watch.
The grandfather who lit up as he shared about raising his 6-year-old grand-daughter…
Despite the reasons being rather unhappy, he has embraced this as the gift and opportunity it is. I delighted in his sharing of how meaningful this is, how his patience has grown in extraordinary ways, of how deeply connected he feels. He talked about how he and his wife, once a bit at odds with parenting, feel quite the team. The LIGHT in his face and eyes, the bounce in his step as he talked about his grand-daughter’s antics, her absorption in books, the adventures they go on…all of it left me feeling what a blessed little girl to have landed in such a loving, joyful, secure, connected family. And what a gift to grand-dad, for this has brought real meaning and joy into his life–and he, and his granddaughter are thriving.
Put your attention to what you can appreciate,
to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply
connecting with those you are with.
Notice the joy that fills you.
Look around today, find the moments that put a smile on your face, appreciate the wiggles and giggles of certain ages, the resilience and patience of a parent (or grandparent!) in the midst of chaos. Simply notice.
And then pay attention to how you feel as a result…and how this benefits those around you. I think you may like what you discover–your children certainly will. Intentionally make it an appreciative, joyful day…week…hour.
Enjoy wiggle stories? Here’s another: A Story of Boys and Their Wiggles
With appreciation for all of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Tumultuous Growth
February 20, 2020 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment
You know how our children go through stages–periodically nice and calm and everything feels good–WE feel good and we actually feel like good parents because things seem to flow rather easily?
And then tumultuous times hit.
Things start getting more chaotic, our kids start to act up and test and be all out of sorts. We begin to tear our hair out, wondering “What happened to my child???” or maybe we are putting ourselves down, “I’m a terrible parent…I can’t do anything right.” Stress climbs, the days feel extra long and hard and confusing…
And then new growth emerges. All of a sudden our child is taller, able to crawl, suddenly puts all those words together and reads, has increased language skills, can actually DO those cartwheels and handstands, suddenly “gets” math, is sleeping through the night…
And life calms down once again. 
Round and round we go through childhood working hard at keeping it together during the tumultuous times, relishing the smoother times. If you are like me, those smoother times often slipped by unnoticed initially–it almost took another round of tumultuous times for me to recognize (and relish rather belatedly) how things actually HAD calmed down.
Growth! Every single tumultuous time is all about growth.
New growth causes anxiety, discomfort, confusion–for us and for our children. What is important is to recognize how it feels to welcome these tumultuous times as the opportunity for growth and learning they are–rather than a problem to fix, something to “get through”, to make go away. And to notice, as you step into it looking for the opportunities for growth, what you do and think and feel differently. I know for me it had me more curious, looking to what might emerge as a result–keeping me focused on the possibilities rather than the problem–being more relaxed and accepting. It was still hard, but it became a positive and affirming hard.
Something I was unaware of during my children’s childhood was how adults go through the same cycles.
We get into the flow, things feel easy, we are energized and creative and productively contributing–we feel GOOD. And then, due to whatever change or event or challenge, we don’t. We get uncomfortable, uncertain, doubting ourselves, wondering what our purpose is, feeling at a loss. We can find ourselves grieving–sometimes without even knowing why. Often we get so lost in the chaos of parenting that it takes years for us to recognize our own cycles–our own quest for growth.
That is where I am right now. In the tumultuous part of my own growth cycle. As I reflect on how children do this naturally and without self-judgement, and how incredible growth always emerges as a result, I find myself becoming more relaxed, curious, looking to what gifts are going to emerge as I sit in a rather uncomfortable and confusing place. I’m unsure of what is going to unfold in front of me, I’m working hard at staying fully present, at trusting the Universe, at depositing into my self-care account. I am working hard at walking the talk that I always share with each of you–pausing, calming, gaining clarity–and letting go and trusting. Key players for parenting and living well .
I want to share this because I know many of you are experiencing the natural life transitions that occur and perhaps are working hard at making yourself feel better, do better, be what you “used” to be or figure out what you want or need or feel you should be. And I want to let you know it is okay. Reflect on how children move through their growth cycles and allow yourself to do the same–accepting, allowing, letting a PAUSE lead the way.
Allow your feelings to be without trying to make them go away or change. Just like we do for our children–give them the space to feel their feelings without judgment. Do the same for yourself. What great role modeling for your children…
Affirm yourself and keep your attention on what is feeling okay, better, calmer, whatever. Just like with our children, what we focus on grows, so focus on how you intend to feel and be.
Take care of yourself–do little things, just for you. Do big things if you can. As we do with our children when they are upset, confused, out of sorts, be gentle with yourself. Create that “safe place” to feel and be and notice what is different as a result. Simplify where you can. Just as we do with our children.
We get so caught up with trying to make the tumultuous times with our children and ourselves “go away” that we lose sight of the purpose of these times–the important growth that they are all about. Today, take some time to switch up how you look at the chaos in front of you–yours or your child’s. Consider what you might do or say or feel differently if you could welcome the chaos for the growth opportunity it is. Truly welcome. Open the door, open your arms wide, and welcome the tumultuous time in. Give it a place of honor. Act-as-if whenever necessary…
And then let curiosity step up as you look to what gifts it brings…what growth is trying to emerge. Notice what is different as a result. And if it is still hard, confusing, feeling out of sorts? That is okay–just think, the growth trying to emerge? It is a beauty. And it takes the respect of time.
Here’s to welcoming new growth!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam
Tidbits of Positive Discipline to Help You
January 1, 2020 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Positive, gentle discipline…what is it?
~ Guidance at its best—helping children grow and learn along their own developmental timeline.
~ Guiding calmly with words and actions over and over and over again. Practice! It is essential.
~ Focusing first on the positive influence you’d like to be, rather than trying to make your child behave.
~ Respectful of the processes growth and learning are; respectful of the relationship you are intending to build.
Dynamics of positive discipline…
~ Be clear with your expectations—give your child a clear framework from which to work and learn.
~ Offer choices that puts things in your child’s control as much as possible.
~ Follow through calmly and consistently with their choice.
~ Show and ask rather than direct and demand.
~ “No” is most effective when rarely used. Save your NO!
But what if they still don’t behave?!
~ Let the consequences do the “screaming” for you—let the results of their choices speak for themselves as you provide the understanding and calm presence necessary for your child to truly learn.
~ Allow space for your child to experience the result of his choice–a PAUSE on your part, often!
~ Know that your job is to influence (instead of control) your child in such a way that s/he can decide on their own to choose more productive and positive actions. This can take time…
~ Be ready to guide them through what needs to happen, with your calm, gentle connection leading the way.
What does this require of you?
~ Endless amounts of patience and stamina!
~ Humor, creativity, ability to let go, ability to PAUSE…
~ Self-care! Do something just for you often—even if just for a few minutes.
Phrases to help you along…
~ “It’s time to head in—are you going to march down our path or wade through the deep snow?”
~ “Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.”
~ “I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.”
~ “We sit on our bottoms at the table. If it is too hard for you, it means you are all done with your dinner.”
~ “When you use your regular voice, I can help you.”
~ “Hitting hurts and I will stop you. We use gentle hands and our words. What is it you’d like to say?”
What you can look forward to…
~ A child who is more likely to listen, have fewer struggles, be more willing to cooperate and collaborate.
~ Respect for and from your child–-respect grown because of your calm and connected self.
~ A positive, healthier relationship with your child…something we all want.
~ A child set up to grow as a self-directed, responsible person/future adult. How cool is that?
~ A more peaceful home! At least some of the time… :-).
Be the positive, gentle influence your child needs to grow in
healthy and relationship-building ways.
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
The Importance of Meaningful Connection
December 3, 2019 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:
~ The active 7-year-old in line at the grocery store with his dad intentionally engaging him in just the best ways to channel his energy. Initially it was unloading the cart together while the boy’s feet and arms and legs danced away–dad handing the less fragile items to his son to be plunked on the counter. Then it was a gentle containing of his son by ‘trapping’ him within a space dad’s arms made, whispering to his son, engaging him fully with twinkly eyes and even a few nose kisses. What could have been the demands of a frustrated dad–“Stop it! Hold still. You’re going to break something…”–was instead a positive, relationship building moment as dad used his son’s energy to create a successful experience. Their total enjoyment of each other was a joy to see.
Truly a deposit into their relationship…and the choices dad made with how to respond to his son will positively influence any future store trips made. Fabulous.
~ The Grandpa in the grocery store oh-so-gently holding his infant grandson up close and snuggly as they walked alongside the baby’s moth
er pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.
What a way to begin building that solid foundation–gently, closely, warmly…lucky (blessed!) baby.
~ The college student willing to take a full day away from studies and friends to visit h
er Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.
The student’s patience, love, and appreciation of her G’mom just the way she is is a gift for all who witnessed it.
Take time today to notice what you can appreciate…what puts a smile on your face..where quiet joy is being shared. Know this includes appreciating the difficult moments–the strengths being called upon such as the resilience of a parent with an upset child, the intentional choice to take a short break in order to care for yourself, the helpful hand from another as a parent juggles the crying baby and screaming toddler, and LOUD demands of a preschooler. Look at each situation you find yourself in, you notice others in, and appreciate. I think you will discover your experience to shift to a more affirming, uplifting one. And this energy will emanate out to others around you.
We really do have the ability to create the experiences we want.
And our children will follow suit.
With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
Respectful Relationships Bring JOY
December 2, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:
~ The magic of re-connection that occurred between a young woman and her one-year-old special friend after months apart. The warmth and sparkle in the eye of the young adult as she quietly stayed close yet waited for this curious little guy to reach out to her; the way she found things to do, side-by-side with him, that engaged him–from a bowl of strawberries to exploring a book–without demanding he directly engage with her. T
he one-year-old’s curiosity as he studied this new-to-him person, the way he checked back to his mama to make sure all was well, and–when he was ready–the genuine reaching out of chubby little arms to his special-to-him adult, knowing without a doubt he could trust her and feel comfortable with her.
Her patience, her quiet, her willingness to engage side-by-side gave him the opportunity to decide on his own when he was ready.
What a way to deposit into a life-long relationship defined by love, warmth, and respect. What a way to bring joy to all those who watched!
~ The mom and dad at the visitor center of a national park with three children in tow–ages 5, 7, and 9. Their ability to initially engage their children in the cool things to study–bats, bugs, and all things nature–and then step back as their kids started asking questions of the ranger, showing off their bat rings, book marks, ranger badges to all of us available to ooh and ahhh.
I so appreciated how they gave their kids the space and respect to talk and share and exclaim without correction, direction, or being talked ‘for.’
The parents’ ability to listen and watch communicated such confidence to their children! The delight we got as a result of watching and engaging with them was that much more wonderful… What a way to grow capable, competent kids. What a way to encourage a future generation to be respectful and kind to our earth!
~ The mother in the grocery store with a young toddler tucked into the cart, totally engaging her little one in the process of shopping. “Let’s see…I wonder where the carrots are…” “Now we need to find our favorite cereal…” “Can you see the bread?” What a lovely way to to set the foundation for future successful store trips where she will probably enjoy an older child able to participate fully in shopping; what a lovely way to build connection between her and her daughter.
What a wa
y to show respect–communicating “You are important, your participation is valued, I have confidence in YOU.” Totally relationship building.
Mom’s full presence to both her toddler and her list is to be appreciated, for it takes a ton of patience in the midst of a busy store. And think of all the cool things her little one was learning! What a store is about, what different things look like, how to handle tomatoes, how to twist ties on bags, what wet lettuce feels like…fabulous! I can just see all those neural pathways in her brain firing away…
Take time today to notice, appreciate, and discover joy–little or big, it all counts and expands to touch others around us. Look for the parent in the busy store who is either wonderfully engaged or stoically moving through a tantrum without (outwardly) losing it and appreciate them, quietly to yourself or out-loud to them.
Look for the sparkle between two people–better yet, create it yourself as you give another in passing a warm and genuine smile.
Notice how your child can be so incredibly focused and engaged as they concentrate on tying their shoes, building with Lego, pestering their sibling. Communicate first and foremost what is going well, what is working, what amazes you about your child, spouse, friend, co-worker, store clerk…
Decide to experience joy today–and you can. It is all around us.
With joy,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam
Parenting Well, No Matter the Label
October 15, 2019 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Peaceful parenting. Positive parenting. Respectful parenting. Authoritative parenting…
And on and on and on…
Lots of labels these days. And labels are tough. As I follow other parenting pages I’ve noticed what seems to be the common struggle we all have–to live up to the label.
Think about it. What DOES peaceful parenting look like when you have a back-arching, screaming toddler refusing to let you change their diaper or wash their hair or do just about anything you feel you need to d
o right now? Or a preschooler with those BIG GIANT feelings erupting as you are trying to get out the door, make a meal, use the bathroom (by yourself), or…?
What DOES positive parenting look like when you are utterly exhausted and your kids have been fighting all day long and the dog needs to go out, the house cleaned, the dinner made, the appointment gotten to on time, and your parenting partner is buried in the newspaper ignoring everything?
What DOES respectful parenting look like with an eye-rolling, sarcastic, talking back teen? AND you are at your wits end?
What DOES authoritative parenting look like when, even with your patient, collaborative, calm self willing to listen and discuss in place, your child throws EVERY thing right back into your face and is totally unwilling to LISTEN?
Labels make it tough on us.
They give us something to strive for–and this I appreciate and support. To know with certainty you want to parent peacefully, positively, respectfully, collaboratively is truly a strength. Now you have something to strive for as you work hard at parenting well.
And really, this is all about parenting well, no matter the label. And here is where it seems labels get in the way.
When we ascribe to just one kind
of parenting, we really aren’t allowing ourselves room to be different, to grow, to consider ways to interact that might just be healthier for your particular situation or child.
We can get caught up in wanting “peaceful” to mean our kids behave nicely all the time, and we just don’t know what to do when they don’t. We can find ourselves working hard at trying to get them to feel more peaceful, be more peaceful, think more peacefully…and yet they just don’t. They act up, push back, have strong and upset feelings.
We can get caught up in feeling WE need to always be “positive” no matter how chaotically crazy it gets. Now that’s tough to do.
We can get caught up in assuming our child should be “showing us respect” because we are working hard at teaching them respect.
We can get caught up in the sheer frustration of a child unwilling and unable to engage in the give and take of authoritative parenting.
And then we really struggle. Here our kids are not responding to the kind of parenting we are trying to live by and we just don’t know what to do. We can feel like we are failing…we can feel like we are ruining our kids…we just plain feel guilty. Not a fun way to be.
Here’s what I encourage, label or no label.
Always, always PAUSE and focus first on yourself. Take your attention off of your child and trying to get them to respond to your style of parenting or to you in a certain situation or to behave a certain way or whatever it is that is pushing your button and getting you upset, concerned, feeling guilty and at your wits end.
Yes, really. Take your attention off your child (and I don’t mean walk away and ignore it all, wishing all would right itself while you hide-out…even though we all do that sometimes…).
Instead, use a PAUSE to reflect on YOUR feelings and actions and your child’s needs–whether that PAUSE to think is immediate and you can actually create a bit of time and space because there is no safety issue, or a PAUSE that happens simultaneous to your actions (yes, it IS possible!). Think as you rush in. Breathe as you wrap your arms around your child. Find a semblance of calm within you. Consider just what your child’s needs are. Consider just what you want the most to happen, to be learned.
And then, wit
h even just a semblance of calm in place and a bit more clarity, allow yourself to respond to your child and TRUST how you do so. Maybe your response won’t fit into your label–maybe instead of what feels peaceful to you needs to be put aside as you firmly stop your child and look ’em in the eye and say NO.
Maybe instead of what feels positive to you you are letting your child know you are MAD. That you feel anything BUT positive right now about the mess in front of you, the fighting that is going on, the million and one things yet to be done all in the next hour.
Maybe instead of what feels respectful–of demanding your teen to BE respectful–you find yourself allowing that eye-roll, talking back, sarcastic tone of voice. And then matter-of-factly letting them know how YOU choose to respond to their choice of disrespect. Allowing can feel like permissive parenting (not a healthy thing…), but, when followed with a calm response to their choice (maybe, “When you speak like that to me it’s hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a more respectful voice, let me know. I’m interested in what you have to say…”) it is no longer permissive. It is accepting of their choice to eye-roll, etc, AND letting them take responsibility for the result of that eye-roll, etc. What a respectful thing to do–respect their choice AND let them learn from it.
Maybe instead of feeling ready to collaborate, negotiate, discuss you really just need to say NO.
And, no matter the label of your style of parenting,
when you can respond to your child with calm connection leading the way, you can be sure you’ve just stepped in in a
relationship-BUILDING way…
…even if it doesn’t feel particularly peaceful, positive, respectful. Because parenting isn’t always going to be smooth and easy and graceful. It is going to be bumpy, challenging, messy, confusing…you name it. And the one thing you can always strive to do–ALWAYS–is control yourself. No matter what your child chooses to do.
When you can control yourself, first and foremost, you can be assured your interaction is going to come from a more peaceful, positive, collaborative, RESPECTFUL place. Even if your child tells you otherwise. Trust yourself as you first take control of yourself.
I think this is the most essential thing. To trust yourself. So today, start with a PAUSE. Find a semblance of calm. Get a bit clearer about what you really want. Then respond to your child with calm connection leading the way. And let go of what your child decides to do as you calmly, consistently, and with connection in place guide them through whatever the situation or emotion or whatever is engulfing you and them. Ultimately, you will be okay. Trust this.
Maybe that is the label to live by–Calm Connection. Use it. Practice it. Live it. Learn from it. Guilt is lessened with it. Trust is increased by it. And now you can feel much, much stronger as you move through the chaos raising children guarantees. And your relationships will feel strong and healthy from the inside out. No matter the label. Isn’t that what we all really want? Healthy, strong relationships. I know I do.
Here’s to you today as you strive to parent well.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
It’s OKAY
October 8, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment
It’s okay to…
…leave your grocery cart half-full and deserted in the store because your child is over-the-top losing it and you just need to LEAVE…
…decide to throw up your arms and plunk yourself down and resign yourself to your kids being LATE to school…or you to your appointment or work or you name it and late is the name of the game today…
…lock the bathroom door for the few minutes you need to be A-L-O-N-E …no matter the LOUD outside the door…
…put your crying baby safely in her crib for the few minutes you need to tend to your totally distraught preschooler or totally-a-wreck SELF.
…pour a bowl of Cheerios for dinner… 
…be thoroughly embarrassed by your child’s behavior at a friend’s house…
…decide to avoid responding to the excitement of your child over something that really hurts your heart or drives you nuts…
…decide TO respond to the excitement of your child over something that really hurts your heart or drives you nuts…and maybe in a not-so-productive-way…but hey, at least you responded.
…let your preschooler dance off to daycare in a ridiculous outfit of his or her choosing…and maybe the same one from yesterday and the day before and the day before and really, it NEEDS to get in the laundry, but…oh well…
…let your child discover what it feels like to get a not-so-wonderful grade on an assignment…rather than work ever-so-hard and frustratingly at getting them to do it “right” and now and finished…
…need help and ask for it…
…pull the car over to the side of the road, get out, and BREATHE while the kids continue to yell and scream and fight in the back seat…
It’s okay.
When you are at your wits end, when you are exhausted, confused, raw, buttons pushed to an extreme, or you name it, it is OKAY to let go and intentionally choose to throw in the towel, yell a bit, walk away for a moment, maybe take what feels like the easy way out.
Giving yourself a break now and again is essential for then re-charging, re-grouping, re-evaluating, and definitely re-connecting. This parenting deal? There IS no perfection. Only a real and honest try at doing better today then we did yesterday.
So today–take care of you so you can take care of your children. Be kind and gentle with yourself and your feelings, for this shows our children how to be with theirs. Maybe there will be a mess to clean up, maybe there will be big tears and slamming doors and real hurt felt.
And now, because you will be better today than yesterday, you can open your arms to all the mess and hurt, gather it in, and truly, authentically, gratefully apologize, re-connect…
…and try again.
That’s all. It’s okay.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
A Call for Dignity
May 27, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments
THIS is a call to action.
And I need your help.
I find myself increasingly tired. Feeling discouraged and worried. Even DONE.
Tired of holding up the half-full cup and looking for and sharing joy and appreciation and the evidence that things are changing in life-affirming ways around us. Discouraged by what often seems a lack of real change even though I know real change takes the respect of time. Worried, too. Worried as it seems the world around us is spiraling down faster and faster into the abyss that our use of technology seems to be causing.
DONE with how all of it is allowing us to fall into a lifestyle of reactivity that often translates to unhealthy, unkind, disrespectful words and actions.
It seems to me we are experiencing a profound loss of dignity in so many areas. Human caused; technology driven.
If our use of all things digital allows us and our children to spin to such depths, exposes us at length to both emotionally and physically harmful things, allows us to say and do things so unkind, so disrespecftul, then ENOUGH. We can and MUST do better. Our children are counting on us. Our world needs us to. Each one of our friends, neighbors, schools, communities, etal, rely on every single one of us to do better.
I KNOW we can become clear on what kind of place (or maybe no place) we want digital devices to have in our child’s life. This includes age appropriate boundaries, clear intention, developmentally appropriate uses, understanding what does help grow healthy children and build healthy relationships. For all things digital is here to stay and we need to figure this out. NOW.
I KNOW
we adults can say NO to inappropriate use; role model appropriate use; be intentional with how to and when to introduce anything digital; teach children age-appropriate safety around all of it. We need to. Right now. It begins with all of us pausing, considering, educating ourselves, then being intentional with the steps we take–for ourselves and our children. And no, it’ll never be perfect, but it sure can be better and healthier.
I KNOW we can recognize that opening the Pandora’s Box of the Digital World too soon for our kids can lead to both us and our children feeling out of control and overwhelmed. Many of us experience that already. Easy, at times, to just ignore it all and let it keep spinning out of control. Until we experience a loss that may be hard to overcome.
A loss such as our dignity.
I KNOW we can see how, as we either unwittingly or under pressure succumb to “what everyone else is doing,” or feeling an increasing need to be constantly connected, or trying to calm OUR anxiety over our child not being fully connected socially or totally adept at all things digital ASAP, we are actually undermining so much of what makes us healthy, our relationships healthy. What in the world are we doing?
I am increasingly discouraged by…
…the enormity of trying to find what works to educate, empower, or just merely encourage parents as they do the very important job of parenting well and positively and health-fully. And this very much includes becoming aware of how our digital device use is influencing our lives–both positively and negatively. In relationship-building and relationship-depleting ways.
…hearing of and seeing an increasing amount of sexting, social media bullying, anxiety issues and depression among even our youngest students.
…the reality that many people continue to interact so disrespectfully to their children, to each other, to their animals, to themselves. Sometimes purposefully, but more often because they just are unaware of the impact of their actions. And it is this lack of awareness that concerns me and seems to be amplified by our being engulfed by all things digital.
…the increasing number of kids receiving smart phones long before they need one or are developmentally ready to manage them. Somehow we are all on the same page about driving at 16–or older–but cannot seem to get a handle on when our kids should have the world at their fingertips.
…the speed and pressure we allow our culture to impose on us. Faster, better, more, sooner RARELY makes for healthy, centered, strong, connected relationships and living well. Rarely.
…what feels like the lack of ACTION despite all that I KNOW we are aware of and feel.
…championing all things appreciative, joyful, connected, healthy, relationship building, affirming, calm, pause-filled…yet continuing to see how many are caught up in just the opposite.
I find myself tired, discouraged, truly concerned and at times DONE. It is the fairly constant stories of yet another child devastated over, say, sexting and photos being shared all around school or the violence that ends up harming and killing students or the overwhelming anxiety so many of our teens are feeling that has me feeling like throwing in the towel.
It is seeing how the current political discourse that social media and digital device use has amplified (remember my mantra of What You Focus on Grows?) has spiraled us into depths many of us were unaware existed, or ever believed we’d actually experience ever in our lives. Ugly. So much of it.
It is time to take charge of our digital choices and take
back our dignity, living our lives with respect, kindness, and integrity through and through.
I am eternally grateful for my friend and colleague, Rhonda Moskowitz of Practical Solutions Parent Coaching who CAN make sense of all of this and actually step in and help parents already overwhelmed with all things digital and smart phones with their children. Thank goodness for her.
Thank goodness for Rachel Stafford of The Hands Free Revolution whose work always inspires the joy of simplicity.
Thank goodness for Janet Lansbury who continually champions RESPECT for our youngest that ripples up all the way to our eldest.
Thank goodness for The Children’s Screen Time Action Network and all the parents, educators, and other professionals and advocates who have joined together, working hard to promote a healthy childhood for all children through the necessary management of our technology use.
Thank goodness for L. R. Knost of Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources whose personal journey she shares with such honest and gentle passion, always speaking of the loving connection our children and each of us need the most in order to thrive. True dignity in the face of one of life’s ultimate challenges.
Thank goodness for the many others out there of whom I could spend all day listing that are making a real difference. Today I pass the torch to them, for I am discouraged, worried, even exhausted by it all and could use a bit of lifting, myself. What we focus on grows–help me help YOU to focus on all that is life affirming, appreciative, and JOY-filled. Share with me something joyful. Something you are doing more of or differently that lifts you. Something you have discovered is working well for you and your children.
MOST importantly, share with me a step YOU are taking to take charge of your digital choices and devices. Will you…
…have an intentional conversation with your children about technology–including safety issues, inappropriate marketing, it’s impact on their health and development?
…remove apps from your phone that distract and detract from your relationships and daily life?
…contact your school administrations and request HEALTHY use of technology in our schools? Follow up as needed with sharing pertinent research that can be easily found via sources such as www.screentimenetwork.org?
…practice a PAUSE as you find yourself wanting to react to, tweet, share, comment, post on all things challenging within our political world, and instead respond–respectfully and clearly–about the importance of DIGNITY, integrity, and respect among all our leaders; all of us; all our communities? Our children are watching and learning from all of us.
…connect with other parents to encourage each other as you explore and create the healthy boundaries and balance our children need with digital devices? Together, as a “village”, you can truly feel empowered.
…preserve all meal times as screen-free times, reclaim conversation and listening skills, and discover a growing and deeper connection with your family members? Now you can live, right there at the dinner table, the dignity, respect, kindness we all want more of in our world…and this will naturally extend into all areas of your life, impacting others all around you.
THIS is a call to action.
Share with me how YOU are working at changing the course of our lives and world by actions YOU are taking. It is time.
Respectfully and gratefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
L-O-N-G Waits in Line…
May 6, 2019 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment
A story of connection, creativity, and all things relationship building for you from a wonderfully simple perspective.
A family. Two children, ages 8 and 10, and their parents. A long line awaiting entrance to a way-cool castle in Scotland. Think crowds of tour bus folk, general tourists, a small space, and castle ruins just yonder. Oh, and the heat. So very hot.
And think “buff.” You know, those scarf-like things we can wear around our necks for warmth? The 10-year-old boy had one (despite the heat!)…I’ll get back to the buff soon:
“How much l-o-n-g-e-r do we have to WAIT, dad????”
“Ten minutes until the ticket office opens!”
“That’s too LOOOOONNNNGGGG!”
Okay. So we’ve all been here. Whining and fidgety kids, crowds of people, hot weather and lengthy wait times. Here’s what I noticed, heard, and eventually went directly to the parents and appreciated out loud:
Dad, “Would you like to set the timer?” “
Boy, “YES! Can I choose the sound???”
And son and father took out the phone–the ONLY time I saw anything device oriented come out–and together they went through sounds until the boy chose one and the timer was set. Respectful–dad appreciating how hard it can be and providing a solid framework for his son to wait by–ultimately giving his son the opportunity to be in control of that very long 10 minutes . No “Quit whining!” or “It’s only 10 minutes, be patient!”
Just a quiet affirmation of how waiting can
be hard by offering up a simple way to wait successfully;
to actually learn to BE patient.
Sister and brother began to wander a bit…went over to the sign and read it out loud to each other. They twirled. Poked around the ticket booth. Pushed each other playfully. Mom and dad watched from the line, quietly. Kids returned to mom and dad and quizzed them a bit about castle questions. Whining was forgotten, quiet exchanges took place, and the kids were given the space to just be kids. Talk about communicating trust in their ability to manage their selves–both by being able to wait in a crowd of people as well as to entertain themselves…
And then the buff antics began. My daughter noticed the boy’s buff and, just as the boy was getting a bit agitated once again regarding how L-O-N-G the wait was, said, “Buffs are so cool! Did you know you can make a hat with it??”
And the play began. The buff was turned into a hat, a mask, a chance to be “backwards and invisible” as the kids pulled their buffs up over their heads and wore their dark glasses on the backs of their heads. Giggles galore. Then it was my daughter showing them how nordic skiers use buffs with hats included. Then it was how far the buff could s-t-r-e-t-c-h and be pulled and go inside out and outside in. Mom and dad laughed and shared their ideas. Sister worked hard at using her headband in the same way. My daughter and the kids were totally engaged–conversation, fun, creative ideas. Those became the quickest “10 minutes” ever. And we all enjoyed the wait in line!
And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.
The respect for what their kids were curious about and the respect their kids had for what mom and dad were curious about was a delight to see.
What stood out was how comfortable they all were.
How present and focused and truly listening to each other they were. And two kids who really managed themselves well–fidgets and whining included. I went up to mom and mentioned how I noticed and appreciated this…and that I also appreciated the lack of digital devices and instead real time, face to face interactions. Her response? “We really think less is better…and it is ever so hard to do so with so many of their friends getting smart phones….”
We shared a bit about the importance of being intentional with our use of all things digital so that we can more likely grow healthier relationships, brains and lives.
I shared how awesome it was that they had thought ahead of all-things-digital and decided what they wanted the most––the kind of relationships they were now experiencing. Connected. Respectful. Kids who managed themselves well and could be restless, fidgety, engrossed in their own ideas and play. She shared how it makes it easier knowing what they really want for their kids…and how good it feels to be appreciated for the hard work they are doing to live just what they believe. Talk about building healthy brains!
Connection, creativity, presence, all things relationship-building. It really can be simple. It really can start with a buff .
We really CAN give our kids the space and respect
to just be without always taking responsibility for filling their time or calming our own anxiety over their antics by
distracting them with a screen.
What a gift to our kids when we become truly intentional with how we use our phones, our iPads, our computers–with how we decide NOT to use them.
Today, take time to put digital devices aside. Head outdoors. Get a pile of books to read. Build a fort and climb inside. Cook. Swim. Dig in the dirt. Twirl. Or get your buffs out and see what its like to make yourself “backwards and invisible” with a pair of sunglasses propped on the back of your head.
Most importantly, connect.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Appreciate Your Child!
April 1, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment
What could be different if we ‘just’ appreciated our child–right now, as they are, who they are, no matter what they are doing?
Instead of trying so hard to make our child into something WE want, what could be different if we welcomed, embraced, accepted, walked alongside them, showed them rather than forced, pushed, changed, stood over them trying to get them to do it our way…the ‘better’ way…the less-embarrassed-way…the way that makes US proud?
PAUSE today and look for something you can appreciate about your child–no matter how they are choosing to behave. Intentionally look. Maybe it is:
…how strongl
y they stand in their conviction (vs seeing them as stubborn and rebellious)
…how your teen chooses to buy only 2nd hand clothing (despite the fact they spend so much money doing so)
…the effort your little one made to wash their hands, even if their face is still covered with sticky stuff
…how freely your child lets you know how they are feeling…especially in public places… 🙂
…how your little one is working hard at becoming more independent (yes, via lots and lots of testing!)
…how they save their biggest upset just for you–a sign of feeling truly safe with you.
…how they slept in their own bed for an entire hour (rather than getting totally disgruntled over the continual wake ups the rest of the night!)
…how they got 50% of their spelling test correct, rather than initially bemoaning that they failed.
...how creative they can be with their clothing choices (even as you cringe over the outfit put together…)
…how kind and caring they are as they, once again, stop your progress on your adventure to pet another critter, talk to a baby, help a child who is sad, rescue a worm from being squished.
…how decisive and persistent they can be as they insist on ‘doing it themselves’ (even though it takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r)
Today, look first for and discover something you can appreciate about your child.
Do it BEFORE (or at the same time!) you stop them, follow through on a consequence, let those buttons that were pushed get the best of you. Let what you can appreciate change how you see your child. Then notice what is different for you–how you feel, how your child responds, how a situation unfolds a bit more positively or less intensely, or how maybe it is just YOU feel better about it all no matter how your child feels.
And especially, notice how your relationship feels stronger, better, more connected, maybe even lighter and more joyful. Pay attention and appreciate, for what we focus on grows. Let’s intentionally put our attention to all that we want more of!
I think you may be delighted in what shifts.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Great Relationships
March 27, 2019 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
It really is our choice.
THIS is why we try so hard to control our children’s actions–so we don’t have to manage our anxiety.
Totally unhealthy. And quite common as we struggle with how to deal with all the upset parenting can bring. It communicates to our child our lack of confidence in their ability to learn about and manage their own thoughts and feelings, that they need us to manage their life, that we don’t think how they feel is of value, that we cannot handle how they are thinking and feeling. Hence they need to do it our way.
So really, this is more about us, this parenting deal. More about OUR ability to think of that future adult we intend to send off into the world.
And now? You are far more likely to nurture
that Great Relationship, build autonomy, have a strong
foundation in TRUST, and be that positive influence–that MASSIVE influence your child needs the most.
Check this story out. Ask questions. Share your story. I care about all of our relationships, for it is how we can change the world…
Story Time! Two young boys…
March 3, 2019 Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment
A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!
Two boys, ages 4 and 6. A mom who works from home. A dad who travels regularly. A new dog, a small and somewhat (!!) effective fenced yard. And a family who takes screen time and makes it minimal time. Oh, and balls. Lots and lots and lots of balls. Add in two relatively unknown visitors landing at their home–“Uncle” Mike and Alice (yup, me!). Two nights and two days and so much to appreciate!
What did I notice and appreciate?
The natural reservation of Mr. 6-year-old. Watching and absorbing these two visitors…and then discovering with total glee that “Uncle” Mike would play ball no matter the rain outside. The abundance of hugs from Mr. 4-year-old who raced outside along with his brother to bat and throw and run and laugh.
Two very different approaches and both honored and respected. No pushing for Mr. 6-year-old–he was always given time to warm up on his OWN time. Equally so was the matter-of-fact welcoming of all the hugs his brother liked to give others…no extra attention to one way of being or another. Just both accepted, respected, enjoyed. Sometimes puzzled over…
Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.
And when the ball(s) couldn’t be found? No worries. There was always another ball to use! Then there was the “toss the ball” game, way up high in the air, calling out each other’s names to run and catch and tag. A football and a soccer ball appeared next and yet another game of catch and giggles and running and wrestling matches followed. Always wrestling matches.
Indoors? It was Alice’s camera-–you know, the kind that only takes photos and has only a viewfinder? Remember those? Each boy had many-a-turn slinging the strap over their necks (“I’ll be careful, Alice!”) and working at using a viewfinder–Mr. 6 figured it out immediately and of course his favorite photo he took was of his dog’s rear end… 🙂 Fits of giggles!
Mr. 4? Oh the difficulty of squinting and viewing just through that little window at the top of the camera–yet his delight in all his photos–whether they were of the ceiling or the floor or a partial body caught accidentally as he clicked away. Never was he disappointed or frustrated--he just kept working at figuring out the view finder. Talk about persistence! 
I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…
The calm nature of mom even when she was stressed and how her calm permeated everything. She works on this, by the way. It is the gift of growing your ability to PAUSE.
The space for the boys to just, well, be boys.
The simplicity of the play that always unfolded as a result of no screens. Playing catch outside, running running running, pushing toy planes around on the kitchen floor, working with my camera, and always weaving throughout their play the wrestling matches.
What a gift to these boys that Mom and Dad have intentionally kept things simple.
What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,
creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life. Truly capable and competent.
And yes. There are frustrations. Plenty. From “NO. I don’t WANT to” to all the NOISE of BOYS and a mama just tired of it all. From Dad still discovering that telling his 6-year-old to do something doesn’t work quite as well as asking him what he can do. Especially when they are trying to get out the door on time.
Then there was Mr. 4’s attempt to carry the dog in his kennel down the stairs. That ended in tears. And everyone, dog included, okay. But really, all that was about was his excitement in sharing their new addition, their dog, with “Uncle” Mike and Alice! Excitement and belief in his capable and competent self.
A story to hopefully put a smile on your face.To remind you of how important simple things are for kids. To encourage you a bit more in letting your child(ren) just be. To play. To have balls and sticky notes and a real camera on occasion. And to work hard at PAUSING and breathing and maybe just sitting and folding laundry as the chaos surrounds you.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Screen time CAN be meaningful…
February 18, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment
Screen time CAN be a rich learning and relationship building experience for children. In honor of Mister Rogers–truly a hero of mine–I want to share a letter I stumbled upon once again that he wrote to my daughter when she was a young preschooler and absorbed by watching Mister Rogers on TV:
“Dear Emily,
You have made this a beautiful day in our Neighborhood–with your wonderful pictures and your caring message. It was interesting to see your drawings of the horse and the person and the things you did on the piece of construction paper. It was also good to see the way you decorated your envelope and the way you did some writing on your paper. That’s such a good way to begin learning about writing.
You are growing and learning many new things every day. I’m proud of the many ways you’re growing, and I hope you are, too.
In your letter, you told me that you enjoy doing some of the things we do on our television visits. That’s good to know. I’m always glad to know that my television friends like to have their own play about the things we show. And, you have such good ideas about the things you do.
Emily, it was kind of a grownup to help you send your pictures and your message to me. You are fortunate to have a grownup who cares so much about you and about the things that are important to you.
You are special and you make each day a special day for the people who care about you–just because you’re you.
Your television friend,
Mister Rogers”
I share this to show how, when we use screen time as a launching pad for hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body play, it becomes something that can be truly worthwhile.
My daughter loved watching Mister Rogers. We limited TV watching time to 30-minutes a day (except for those days of exhaustion…then it stretched out a bit further…), and it was Mister Rogers that was always chosen. We’d watch, we’d talk about it, and following the show she nearly always went to make–in her own way–the project he did on the show. I particularly remember the rain stick she so quickly jumped up to make–a paper towel tube, tape, rice, a bit of wax paper and markers.
And as this letter shows, she took it even farther–drawing and writing to someone she cared about…and he returned with such a warm and detailed account of what she did–you can tell he truly studied her work.
How cool is that? What a deposit into a little girl’s SELF. What a way to have her focused on her abilities, on what is truly important–caring for each other.
What a way to take a screen experience and turn it into a rich
learning and growth opportunity.
You can just imagine her response as she received and opened a letter to her in the mail. The grin, the straightening of her shoulders, the prance of her feet. And you can just imagine how off she went to draw, create, write once again to her new friend, Mister Rogers–as well as to her grandmother, a card for her daddy to surprise him when he got home, and a little something for her buddy next door, too.
Letter writing! What fun and how incredibly important it can be, for it fosters creativity, imagination, story-telling, sharing, connecting with others, thinking about others, caring for others. All sparked by her connection with Mister Rogers.
I kept the letter. My daughter is now 26. And I can guarantee she remembers, warmly, her Mister Rogers times–for he does screen time right..
He builds relationships.
Here’s to you, Mister Rogers. I think of you often and see you as the role-model for all of us. I deeply appreciate who you were, how you still inspire, your understanding of what is important to grow healthy children.
You have always been and will always be a hero of mine.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
The Magic of Respect
January 25, 2019 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
You know the cool thing about respectful interactions?
All the amazing things that emerge…
…babies who actively participate in care-giving routines–perhaps via closing their eyes and scrunching up their faces when you as
k, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves.
What a way to grow their capable and competent selves.
…toddlers who are willing to stop what they are doing and come with you right away because most of the time you respect what they are working on and give them the time they need to finish. Toddlers who actually consider what you are saying and asking…and then nod happily and join in with the job. Pretty neat, the more we respect them, the more they listen and cooperate.
…older children who feel confident and in charge of themselves (so essential for a healthy self-esteem and identity come teen years!) because all along mom and dad have respected their limits, their feelings. You know, all those tickling, rough housing, pillow fights, peek-a-boo games we love to keep going? Our stopping when our child indicates they’ve had enough communicates our respect for their ability to manage themselves, know their own feelings, be in charge of their bodies.
…child
ren able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.
Or spending 20 minutes trying to coordinate broom and dustpan and pile of dirt, getting frustrated, trying again, finding out the dirt spills off when they angle the pan wrong, trying again…getting frustrated…flopping on the floor…playing in the pile of dirt…then up and trying AGAIN.
Our affirmations and quiet presence as they move through the frustrations communicates our respect for the job they are doing; for their own ideas and decisions.
When we respect our child enough to keep
interruptions minimal, they have the opportunity to grow
themselves as a self-directed individual.
They now have the opportunity to truly learn what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do, to persevere, to think creatively, to discover how they feel…what a gift for their entire future, school and otherwise! And way less whining and “I’m bored!” to push your buttons, making our job a tad bit easier :-).
…young children saying, “I frusserated!” “STOP, I don’t like that!” “I need a hug.” “Mommy, I’m MAD at you!” rather than tantrums, melt-downs, hitting and biting. With our respectful affirmations and naming of their feelings without trying to fix them, our children learn to manage them selves–with words, stomping feet, withdrawing into their blankies…all the while working on learning just what we hope–appropriate expression of all those big feelings. Respect allows for this.
…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.
They know for sure that how they feel, what they think, and what they are interested in doing is important to you–and when anyone feels that way they are much more likely to listen, compromise, collaborate. To create those win/win solutions.
With respect in place, you are more likely to
nurture the growth of a self-directed, focused, persevering,
creative, problem solving, cooperative and collaborative
strong future teen and adult.
What more could we ask for?
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
What We Miss
January 5, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment
A story to share…
A morning walk along a wooded trail. A young family–Dad, dog, boy age 8-ish and girl age 5-ish marching along, kids with a spring in their step.
Upon closer inspection, blue lollipops being deliciously enjoyed! How fun, I thought. As we grew close enough, I said, “Hello!” and got an exuberant “HI!” greeting from the kids.
“Wow, you’ve got BLUE lollipops.” Big grins, blue decorating all parts of their faces . “I see blue all around your mouths…!” And out came a tongue–“Oh! Your tongue is blue, too!” GRIN. “Oh my goodness, look at your teeth–THEY are all blue!” BIG grins and giggles.
Then from the boy to me, “YOUR shirt is blue!” “Yes!”, I said, “It is…and hey, look, your sister’s shoes are blue!”
As dad approached the little girl giggled, “And daddy’s wearing blue, too!”
From me, “Look at your dog’s collar–it’s blue, too!” 
The boy proclaimed: “It’s a BLUE day today!”
Off he and his sister marched with springs in their steps, lollipops licked, blue smiles across their faces, necks craning upwards as I added, “The sky is trying to be blue, too!”
Dad?
He was talking on his cell phone. Casually. Sending quick smiles my way…yet plugged into his cell phone. He was doing what many of us do when we are distracted–tossing in a comment ‘on the side’ to try to be a part of things, managing his wiggly dog (and getting tangled a bit!), glancing at his kids…and yet, he was missing so much of what was going on. Missing it. While on a short walk with his family through a wooded park.
Here’s what I wanted to see–no cell phone. Why? Because WITH the cell phone dad was distracted. Only partially there. Attention divided. And even though this no longer feels like a big deal in our current lives, for all of us do this to some extent, it IS a big deal. It is very much a DIS-connection.
And our children know it, feel it, are growing up with this DIS-connection as their foundation for what life and relationships are supposed to look like.
Without a cell phone to his ear here’s what this walk could have looked like:
A dad marching along with a grin on his face as he watched the antics of his kids. A dad pausing to join in on the BLUE fun. A dad who caught the fact that his 8-year-old was totally delightful in the moment with me, a complete stranger.
A dad who noticed his daughter’s uncertainty, her warming up, her attempt to draw him into our BLUE conversation. A dad who could go home and reflect on the memories of a walk in the woods, the spring in his kids’ steps, how his dog was glued to all things children, what his kids delighted in the most and spent time noticing.
A dad who could actively and authentically participate again and again with his kids as they tell and re-tell the story of their walk in the woods. For they will. Kids always do.
A dad who took this opportunity to be truly present, to feel connected, to deposit positively into his relationships with his children. Little moments like these count. They make up most of all of our days and they count. Hugely.
And YES, there ARE times we have to be on our cell phone. There are emergencies and tricky appointment call-backs. There are those endless stream of telephone tag games we are so DONE with that we keep that cell close and available no matter what. There are those calls from the school and from work and you name it.
And yet I feel and I know that we can do it differently.
We can, most of the time, do it without it being at a cost to the rich, deep, meaningful, lovely, delightful relationships we all want–including the connections via the phone that we have because, YES, those connections can be equally important and also deserve our full attention.
Ideas to consider:
Dad could have, prior to heading out on the walk, said, “Kids, I need to make a call. When I am finished, we’ll head out.” And then give his full attention to the call instead of doing the half-way paying attention that really wasn’t paying attention at all to the wonderful antics of his kids OR the person on the call with him.
He could have left it on silent and let all calls go to a message to then listen to with his full attention a bit later.
He could have left it at home or in the car for the 30-minutes he was out walking.
He could have chosen to answer it on the walk with a, “Thanks for calling–I’m with my children right now and will give you a call in about half an hour.”
And what a message he’d communicate to his children–that they are important, that being with them is something he thoroughly enjoys, that when together on an adventure this is the protocol–no digital devices and our full attention to the adventure.
He’d communicate this is what it is like being a dad (role modeling–we are always role modeling), this is what it is like to be a family, this is how we walk dogs and have fun.
Then the stories that will emerge at home–just think, “Mommy! Look at all our BLUE! Daddy thought we were funny, and you know what we did…and a lady we met…and then Daddy and doggy did…and when sister fell, daddy…” Oh, the truly authentic JOY that can be shared! And maybe the upset, as well. Shared. Memories made. Things learned and discovered. Together.
This is what counts. This is what becomes a real, genuine deposit into your relationship–and the more we can deposit well, the stronger we become and the more likely you will have future teens and young adults wanting and willing to come to you as a resource, to come and spend time with you, to want to be in your company–because you wanted to be in theirs. Fully.
Take time to consider your cell phone/digital device use. Consider what you are role modeling, what kind of relationships you want, what you are communicating by your actions to your children, what memories and relationships you really want to create. Consider how you feel when you are totally present out walking with your children versus how you feel when you are juggling calls, texts, dog and kid antics all in one.
Whatever you decide to put your attention to, do it fully and respectfully. Be intentional. You and your children are worth being intentionally present to and in all that you do–calls, texts, walks, meals, little moments, big moments.
Your future older children? They will want to be in your company because you wanted to be in theirs. And now you’ve shown them just how to manage all things digital that has them more likely choosing with care and intention for themselves. Ever so important for those teens years…and adult years 🙂
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
Calming Your Anxious Child
January 5, 2019 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments
Your child is anxious.
Maybe in the moment, maybe it is just a part of who they are. And you work hard at helping them to feel better.
Maybe you find yourself saying, “You’ll be fine!” or “Don’t worry about it.! Or maybe you find yourself doing whatever YOU can to “make them feel better” such as distract them with a treat, or adventure with you, or a special toy, or time on a digital device, or or or…whatever it takes, because none of us want our children to feel anxious or struggle with anxiety.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I so appreciate Lemon Lime Adventures poster and article.
When we PAUSE, calm our OWN anxiety over
our child’s worries, then we can step in from a truly relationship-building place.
Asking questions. Listening. Exploring. Seeing their worries as something necessary and important–and now, like anything in our lives that is necessary and important, we respect those worries.
It requires us to let go of “solving” our child’s worry or struggle. So often our desire to “make it go away” and find a solution is much more about our own anxiety and discomfort over big feelings. This anxiety and discomfort? It always comes from a place of deep care for and commitment to our child. Know this, for your feelings are equally important.
Yet, when we rush in to fix, we are communicating to our child we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage their feelings. We communicate that they need US to fix things for them. I think this can so often feed anxiety for a child–not feeling they can ever be in control of this worry, that it always requires another person solving it.
As you fast forward to teen years, this means the “other” they turn to may be someone who doesn’t have their best interests in mind. This may mean they turn to alcohol or drugs or screen addiction to “control” their worries.
I think we all WANT our children to grow into teens and adults
able to take charge of their lives, figure out what they want and need, manage their feelings and selves in healthy ways.
When we create that PAUSE for ourselves, focus on calming ourselves down, take time to see our child as the competent and capable soul he is and will become, think about what we want them to learn about themselves, take time to consider just what kind of teen/adult we hope they will be…
…we are more likely going to be able to step alongside our child and their worry and ask questions like Lemon Lime Adventures shares. We are more likely going to listen, explore, discover, partner with our child.
…we are more likely going to sit––with calm connection–alongside our child as they worry. Think. Talk. Cry. And this “sitting” alongside? It is key.
What a way to feel safe.
What a way for your child to actually be able to feel in control of herself. What a way to grow and learn from the inside out and with respect for who your child is. What a way to feel the comfort of someone willing to sit in the worry with you…keep it company…give it a place of honor for a bit…accept you and all your feelings.
And now your child can feel far more in control of himself. How cool is that? And maybe the NEXT round of (inevitable) worry or struggle will be just a bit easier, because they’ll have grown a bit more from the inside out, understand a little more about their feelings and what to do with them.
Today, acknowledge and affirm your child’s worry or struggle.
Name their feelings. Ask them questions. Sit with them. Give them the space and grace of time and your company.
And give your SELF the same respect as you work through your worries and struggles…
Here’s to moving through today’s struggles in relationship building ways…
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
“What does my child NEED?”
November 6, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
A mom-ism to share. One of those bits of wisdom that my mother (AKA Grandmom or G’mom for short) gave me.
Back in the day when my eldest was a baby I called her in tears. I was sleep deprived, I just couldn’t “get” my baby to stay asleep or fall back to sleep without me holding and rocking and always being there. Oh how tired I was. Oh how worried I was–was this going to be FOREVER??? NEVER sleeping without a constant ME?
And mom said one of the wisest and most impactful things to me…
“When you answer her need, (those rather unwanted) habits disappear…or even better, never form.”
She didn’t tell me what to do. She didn’t tell me how she thought I SHOULD be doing it. She didn’t say I was spoiling my baby or ruining her or anything like that. Nope. Just her insightful comment that took me in another direction entirely.
So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me. That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!
I chose to answer her need. To go to her and be there for her. My mom’s words and the action I then took brought little to no ease in regards to MY sleep–at least, not initially.
But they brought ease to my heart. And with ease in my heart…
…I felt more connected. I UNDERSTOOD my baby’s need and I was answering it. Confidence wormed its way in. My heart calmed down. I calmed down. And you know what? Even though sleep was constantly interrupted, I felt BETTER. From there, eventually, my little one began to sleep better. Longer. Less interrupted. The incredible TIRED I could feel just didn’t seem so heavy any more.
And here’s the deal--I have used my mother’s Mom-ism all throughout my parenting journey. As challenges arise, I try to PAUSE first. And then ask myself, “What does my child need?” “What is she really asking for behind all this UPSET?” “What is she needing the most from me in order to move through this tumultuous stage and settle a bit?” “What does she need to be and feel that more independent soul she is pushing so hard to become?”
The answer isn’t always clear. The direction I take doesn’t always work. But the question always remains the same. “What does my child NEED?”
And I figured it out. You can, too. Start with asking the question and then take the steps you think will help answer it. Because really, that is what all of this parenting deal is about–answering our growing children’s physical, mental, and emotional needs along a developmental timeline that is quite a journey…different yet similar to everyone else’s…unique and challenging and in the long run, quite amazing.
And the magic of it all is what emerges. With needs answered, calm connection and confidence and clarity emerges. Children feel understood, supported, empowered and can grow their capable, competent selves…and so can we Relationships can be deposited into and eventually THRIVE.
Thank you, mom. Again, I treasure all you’ve given me in your life time and I know you knew that–because I told you. May your spirit continue to lift and inspire me and others. And may I continue to ask myself the same question as my now adult daughters turn to me once again…“What does my child NEED?”
With JOY and appreciation and heartfelt gratitude,
Your daughter, Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Connection Rather Than Correction
November 1, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment
A story for you.
A Mama, 15-month old, 3.5 year old, and a quiet event in a large room with one other adult.
Mama and adult were in conversation. 15-month-old HAPPILY engrossed in practicing her newly discovered running. You know, little feet churning forward, balance worked on, distance accomplished. A total delight, as she ran ran ran from one end of the room, to the other, out the door to turn around and run run run right back in with the biggest smile ever. 
Mama quietly delighting, giving her the opportunity to practice “separating” from Mama and being totally in charge of her own body.
3.5-year-old in constant conversation with the other adult, some words understood, others not, but the theme always apparent. The Halloween candy bowl. The SPACE to MOVE in this rather empty room. His job to “go find sissy!” as his little sister ran ran ran out of the room and back in again. The picture on his shirt. The work at peeling wrappers off pieces of candy and finding the garbage can. Talk talk talk. Totally fun.
On and on all the while with Mama and adult also engaging in conversation.
And then 3.5-year-old started upping the ante. Going to find Sissy included extra “hand work”–you know, pushing a bit as he decided to direct her in certain ways. 15-month-old plopped a few times on her bottom, wrinkled her brow, and pushed herself back up to continue HER job of running. Brother upped the ante a bit more–pushing a bit harder. Tears started. 3.5-year-old–being in the “out-of-bounds” stage preschoolers are in–became even more exuberant with his STRONG muscles… 
Okay. This is where it could have totally disintegrated. It could have been Mama getting frustrated, stopping brother, brother ramping it up more, toddler falling totally apart, and ALL conversation (and connection!) lost as a result.
Instead…the other adult? She spotted a low table and engaged with Mr. 3.5 with, “You have STRONG muscles! I can tell your sister doesn’t like how you used them on her. I wonder if they could come push push push this table all the way across the room…?”
Bingo. Mr. 3.5? He took up the challenge. The table was pushed across one way, then turned and pushed again. “Whew!” both the boy and adult said. “You DO have strong muscles!” Mr. 3.5 said, “They are tired muscles, now!”
So plop onto the floor the adult and boy went. “Let’s REST those muscles!” Lying side by side they gazed up at the ceiling. “Look! A balloon is up there!” And their conversation continued, boy resting his body, then his eyes. The other adult joining in along side. Quiet talk together. Mama watching from the side with a smile on her face, not interrupting a bit, giving a lap and a bit of comfort for her toddler.
Soon the rest was complete and the escalation that had occurred was no more. Mr. 3.5 was back to exploring, talking, and being just-right-busy. Mama and adult finished their conversation. Toddler felt ready after the steadying comfort of Mama’s lap and busied herself just as before–run run running.
Delightful. All of it.
What could have melted down was instead
re-directed toward tapping into just what a 3.5-year-old needs–acceptance and acknowledgement of abilities, opportunity to USE those abilities, real and honest connection with another.
This was way less about “correcting inappropriate behavior” and way more about showing an exuberant preschooler just HOW to channel all of his energy. To manage himself in positive, productive ways, rather than be “corrected, directed, and then disconnected” in relationship depleting ways. Toddler, too. It gave a chance for Toddler to know, without a doubt, Mama was there to check in with, feel safe with, and now better manage her own upset over all that “hand work” of Mr. 3.5.
As a result, joy was had, conversations finished and enjoyed, connection felt, respect given. And just a bit more of self-regulation developed (aka, “appropriate behavior”). By both toddler and preschooler.
How cool is that?!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
It is Time to Demand Excellence
September 28, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment
Instead of “What’s wrong with ME” why not ask
what’s wrong with our culture? Or hopefully, what is RIGHT
that we can be sure to fuel and grow?
I ask this, following a heartfelt conversation with a young woman wondering, confused, even worried that something is wrong with HER that she doesn’t “feel” the attraction she thinks she is supposed to when a fellow kisses her.
You see, things really are much the same as they were 35 or so years ago when I was a teen and college student. The fairly constant message then (and now) was, “What makes you a person of value is how attractive you are to the opposite sex.” Or the same sex. No matter. “Luckily” all the media-driven influence on our culture was limited to television and print when I navigated it.
Now, we are engulfed.
And even the young women who grow up feeling and knowing their inner strength, find themselves doubting. Worried. Thinking something is wrong with them that, following one or two dates, they just aren’t FEELING the attraction the fellow is bestowing on them. Maybe “just” through a kiss…but a kiss? It is intimate. And when it is too soon or with the wrong person, you aren’t going to “feel it.” No matter what every single screen oriented ANY thing tells you. No matter that every show you watch and music video played and latest popular book read and sign you see and words heard tell you. And yet our young women–even the strong ones–find themselves thinking THEY are “wrong.” No no no. It is our media/tech-driven culture that has magnified all of this and engulfed us.
No wonder our young women are confused. Worried. Anxious. And I am most certain many of our young men are, as well. The pressure on them to be a certain way, as determined by the media and tech world, has become equally intense and unhealthy.
We need to do better. Much, much better. Way beyond all the work each of us are doing within our own families.
We need to push back on our media and tech driven culture and be loud, consistent, and constant about demanding better. Or rather, demanding excellence. We need to be clear so they can be clear, too. Both the media AND our children.
And we need to be clear for ourselves.
We need to know, without a doubt, the kind of future adults we hope our children will grow into.
We need to know clearly what we are role modeling–and be intentional in doing more of what we see is healthy and right for our kids.
We need to empower our children from early on by understanding and affirming their feelings, focusing on their strengths and abilities rather than falling into the “good girl” and “good job” trap, or the “it’s my job to make you feel a certain way” trap.
We need to foster relationships that will have our eventual teen or adult wanting to turn to us as a resource.
We need to take responsibility for ourselves and all that we say and do so our children can do the same.
And we need to let all sources of our media and tech driven culture that undermines the health of our children (and us) know, without a doubt, we demand better. We want excellence.
What we focus on grows. Let’s look to the excellence. Let’s find it and appreciate it and live it.
Let’s help these young women and men feel strong from the inside out and know, without a doubt, that they are exactly right and okay just as they are. That their feelings are honored, and they can feel confident in respecting just this–how they feel.
Let’s help these young men and women know that we are a strong resource they can count on when those doubts and worries do worm their way in, for they will. And let’s help them each know that we have confidence in their ability to manage those doubts and worries, for they ARE strong, from the inside out, despite those doubts and worries. Or maybe, because of them.
Let’s take full responsibility for our individual roles in creating and perpetuating the very culture we are living in and let’s do so by taking the necessary, intentional, and thoughtful action steps towards the excellence we demand.
Let’s live the respect, care, and compassion we want our children to feel and grow into.
Here’s to the young woman who felt safe enough with me to share her feelings. And here’s to each of you working hard at growing future adults strong and clear from the inside out.
And here’s to asking for, finding, and living the excellence–no matter what the media and tech world portrays.
Thank you for listening…
Alice
Parenting Success RECIPE!
August 24, 2018 Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
A Recipe for YOUR Parenting Success
Growing a healthy, ready to learn child and a family that can thrive (from Alice’s Cookbook)
Combine:
A pinch to many cupfuls of Self-Care
Large amounts of The Three C’s (Calm, Connection, Consistency)
Multiple dollops of Being Bored and Empty Spaces
Infinite helpings of Respect Feelings
Liberal amounts of What We Focus on Grows
Daily and Generous doses of Nature (often found in those Empty Spaces)
Many scoops of Choice
Heaping cupfuls of PAUSE
Mix with care. Let marinate. Allow for a variety of blends depending on amounts of each ingredient. Simmer all through the day. Taste and adjust quantities as necessary. Consider adding other Essential Ingredients such as Light-heartedness and Sense of Humor.
Set oven to “Heartwarming.” Bake for a lifetime.
Enjoy.
Other additions welcomed to this Recipe for YOUR Success!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam
Parenting Success: Respect Feelings
August 17, 2018 Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment
Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!
Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it. 
And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…
…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.
…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.
…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…
...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…
...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)
Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.
Things to focus on:
PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask
Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”
Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”
And always, always follow through with the choices given.
Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.
Respect Feelings.
A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.
Another essential ingredient can be found right here.
Here’s to you…
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Choices Choices Choices–Help!
July 24, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments
So you give your child choice A or B…and they choose C. Now what?
Because really, choice A or B were the ones that you REALLY wanted them to take to make it easy for you–besides being the “right” ones to choose…and darn it all, they choose C 🙂 .
You know–it is time to leave so you ask, “Are you going to put on your shoes all by yourself (choice A) or would you like my help (choice B)?” Reasonable choices and typically it is a slam dunk and out the door you go. But today, your child ignores you…runs away…picks up their shoes and throws them across the room (lots of choice C’s!).
You might find yourself heat up and tip over the edge and march your child firmly by the arm to make them do just what you want them to do.You might find yourself pleading over and over, hoping to avoid a meltdown and still get out the door in one piece (though definitely not on time).You may be frustrated because you understand choices are good and here you’ve given them what is good for their little independent selves…and it didn’t seem to work.
Consider this–your child chose C because it is their job.
Their job to practice being in charge of him or her self
as often as possible.
Their job to test you, to let you know THEIR preference, to state loud and clear “I am the boss of ME!” And your child is right. They ARE the boss of themselves, and as the boss, they get to ultimately decide what choice they will make. This is truly evidence of just the kind of self-directed, independent soul you (most of the time) want to grow.Someone who is in charge of themselves. 
Okay, but you still need to get out the door. To continue to support your child in their quest to be independent it is important to respect their choice. How does this look and still get out the door–maybe on time?
Ideas for you:
“It looks like you aren’t ready to put your shoes on. I can see how mad you feel. Describe what you see and acknowledge feelings, always. It is time to go, and because it is too hard for you to choose I will choose for you.”
And maybe you then wrangle your child into your lap and wrestle their shoes on–calmly, matter-of-factly, communicating your respect that they chose otherwise, communicating clearly the result of their choice. And now your child has the opportunity to discover whether they LIKE the result of choice C…and because you are calm and matter-of-fact, it isn’t about YOU, it is about them and their choice. Truly an opportunity for learning and growth.
Or maybe it is fruitless to wrestle shoes on, for it takes just a swift kick and the shoes go flying off once again. So maybe the result of their choosing C is you pick them up in one arm, their shoes in another, and out the door you go. Ignoring the tantrum in the back seat about “I don’t WANT bare-feet!” again gives them the opportunity to decide if choice C really was something they liked. “You chose to not put on your shoes. You don’t like bare-feet, it makes you really upset. When we get to school, you can decide if you are going to put on your shoes by yourself or with my help.” Again, describe what you see and name the feelings. Now your child learns a bit more about what they are responsible for…all because you’ve respected their choice and responded calmly and matter-of-factly with what needs to happen.
Or maybe you can tell your child needs option D and you are okay with that.
“Hmmm…looks like you really want to keep playing with your marbles. We need to get shoes on and head out. You can bring your marbles with you, if you like–I’d really like to see the biggest one of all! Can you come show me while we put on your shoes?” And now you’ve respected their desires, flowed with their energy, and still pointed them in the direction necessary to go. They can feel in charge and you can feel grateful it worked.
Staying calm and matter-of-fact helps your child
discover whether or not he likes the result of the choice he made–now influencing him in such a way that the next time around he may be more likely to choose differently.
What does this require of us? Patience. Understanding. Humor! Consistency. Stamina. Creativity. The ability to PAUSE–essential for helping you find that calm place to respond, that calm place from which to be okay if meltdowns occur, if the house is left a disaster zone, if your car’s back seat looks like a junk pile as you throw everything in and get a move on.
Choice C. It really is okay. Breathe through it, honor it, and be clear on what you really want, for now you communicate respect for your child’s choice and encourage the growth of an independent soul. And still get out the door.
More about PAUSE for you right here: Use The Power of PAUSE
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
Our Response Matters
June 24, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments
When things get heated, testy, frustrating, maddening,
scary, grief-stricken…our response IS necessary.
HOW we respond is what matters.
Whether the heat happens in your living room, at work, in your community, during rush-hour, between your kids, you and your partner, co-workers, school board members, politicians and politics, anywhere and with/at anyone…
HOW we respond is what determines just what is learned, what kind of influence we are, whether productive and hopefully positive change occurs.
When we react–often loudly, aggressively, maddeningly, fearfully, trying to control and make and convince and stop–we tend to (and you probably see this often with your children!) stir up MORE of exactly what we are trying to stop, change, make feel safe, better, right.
Think about this. When we push back with often very similar behavior that our child (or whomever it is with) has just shown us–raised voices, rough handling, absolutes that are nearly impossible to carry through–our child either gets LOUDER, rougher, more upset, repeats over and over again the very same behavior and it just keeps escalating; or they–out of fear, often–comply. They are scared about OUR reaction and quickly do just whatever it is we are trying to get them to do.
Pretty relationship-depleting.
Nor very productive in the long-run, or the kind of positive influence we really want to be as we consider being the kind of resource and person we want our child to WANT to come back to. Especially when the going gets tough.
HOW we respond to any kind of conflict or challenge presented, no matter the “stage” (your living room, at work, on the road, in the community, country, world), will determine just what will be learned.
So…
PAUSE. Strengthen this muscle every chance you get.
PAUSE. Discover what works for YOU to calm all (or at least some of) the heat that is inside you.
Get CLEAR on just what you want the most, what you intend.
This includes thinking about what you value the most–qualities, strengths, beliefs. This includes what kind of influence YOU intend to be. This includes just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, what kind of community you want to live in…
Step back into the situation and RESPOND (rather than react) based on what you want the MOST.
And now your calm(er) and clear(er) self will more likely say words that have a meaningful and positive impact, your actions will support your words (Integrity–what you mean you say and will do. Essential for living well), and you will more likely be listened to, cooperated or collaborated with, and most definitely will be respected. Because you are being respectful.
Sounds like a lot to do, doesn’t it? Like something you really have NO time for. And yet, if we don’t start working on our ability to control ourselves and parent, live, lead from a truly authentic place–from inside-out, clear on building healthy relationships and communities, able to be the mature adult our children and world need, then things are going to ramp up and get ever harder.
Anxiety, fear, anger will grow. And our opportunities to get stronger at being calmer will not only increase, they will overwhelm. And it really is just “easier” to react. Though all that does is spiral it up even more.
So what does it all really mean or look like?
Instead of the desire and then reaction to get your child to quit hitting his brother….what you hopefully want the MOST is your child to learn how to problem solve, negotiate, work through conflict in productive ways. The desire to quit hitting is very real. The response needs to be based on learning to work through conflict in productive ways.
Instead of just getting out the door on time, period, and doing whatever it takes to get everyone out the door on time, what you hopefully want is a child who is learning how to manage THEIR time well, what it takes to be ready to roll, how their choices ripple out to impact the rest of their day…
Instead of rescuing a struggling child as they work on something difficult (whether it is a project, a Great Big Sad, challenging friendships, bullying, learning something new, taking responsibility for the results of a choice that wasn’t so wonderful…), what you want the MOST is a child able to manage the hard of the struggle. To know they can work through feelings productively, that they can count on your calm and safe presence to unload, that they can feel capable and competent as they figure things out. That mistakes are okay. Something to learn from instead of just fix.
That is what looking to what you want the MOST is all about.
Sometimes our response seems to be no response—because we have, following a PAUSE, calmed ourselves down enough that we wait. We watch. We listen. And often discover because of our calm, observant, quiet self we are providing LESS attention to the very less-than-desirable behavior…and that behavior? It now lessens. Changes. Shifts all on its own–or seemingly so. When our response is an intentional “no” response our respectful, quiet, watchful and waiting selves have just influenced another in a positive and productive way.
Sometimes our response is quick, firm, and done with your full and respectful presence as you stop your child or another from hurting or being hurt. Those are those immediate safety concerns…and when done with the Gentle Firmness that our quick and immediate response is when from a strengthened PAUSE muscle, it stays relationship-building. Even as anxiety, fear, and the LOUD of upset take over.
HOW we respond determines what is learned…
…and it is in the HOW that can be what is essential for growing more of the good, strong, productive, relationship-building, appreciative, even positive that we want for our children, our relationships, our communities, our world.
What we focus on grows.
This testy, LOUD, reactivity? It really is way more about each of us–something we can control. Today, tomorrow, forever–work at putting your attention first within yourself and getting calm and clear. Then make your response be in the good, kind, productive, appreciative, honest, collaborative, cooperative, relationship-BUILDING direction.
Respond with calm, clear, honest intention. What a world of difference this can make.
It matters.
To help you along: It’s HARD to PAUSE
Or: How Many Times Do I Need To Tell You?
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice Hanscam
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
So much learning!
June 7, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment
Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…
The 11-month-old who has been shown since early on how to use “one finger touches” when touching flowers, fragile instruments, and other special things–his ability to do just this, use one finger, is a delight to see. And it can bring incredible ease to so many of their daily adventures with so much learning happening through-out.
The respectful approach by his mama and papa
to talk to him and show him just what he CAN do is paying off with a little guy easy to go through the day with. A joy!
The college-aged young woman who delighted in the connection she felt with a young man as she talked with him en-route to class. Someone she sees and talks to often…and now, as she so genuinely shared with her mom, she could “feel” and “see” the twinkling of eyes between the two of them . I’m appreciating her willingness and desire to share with her mother–to share the joy over the moment!
The b
arefoot 15-month-old pushing the child-sized grocery cart through the store, one little step at a time, concentrating ever so hard. I especially enjoyed how he’d pause, choose something from the shelf that his mama pointed out, and plunked it into his cart–grinning from ear to ear as his mama gently encouraged him along.
The willingness of mama to take the time to let her little guy do what is important work for a one-year-old I totally appreciated…and it certainly put a smile on my face!
The 15-month-old foster child (new to his foster family’s home) who went from chasing and grabbing the kitty’s tail and hitting her to using gentle pats–all within a few days of LOTS of patient role-modeling.
The calm, consistent, and
connected approach of the entire family paid off.
The cat? Instead of running to hide, he now purrs and rubs up next to the little guy–the trust that most of the time gentle hands will be used is obvious.
The 3 elementary-aged children trailing alongside their mother in the grocery store...all 3 engaged with the process, mom giving them things to collect and choose, conversation over what fruit to buy and how to choose the freshest vegetables. What a gift to these children! Mom’s full presence, the work shared, food buying learned about, choices and ideas respected. All in a short afternoon of grocery shopping.
So much learning…
So many eye-twinkling and delightful moments
seen as I move through my days. So many relationship building moments witnessed…
Take time today to look around and actively appreciate…notice…and look to what brings a smile to your face and a bit of joy to your day! What we focus on grows…
Here’s another “Noticed and Appreciated” for you: The Simple Pleasures
Make it great today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam