Tag: Screen Technology

It’s All About Relationship

June 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

We are overwhelmed when it comes to managing, balancing, understanding our children’s online exposure. And we are very, very worried. Exasperated, too. Throwing in the towel, looking the other way, or rolling up our sleeves and diving in–probably with a lot of emotional reactivity involved. Because we are overwhelmed.

It’s one thing to limit device time. But what about all the rabbit trails, inappropriate and scary trails our children are exposed to as they, perhaps purposefully or accidentally view, say, porn or a really scary video clip, step into social media bullying, or a You Tube that really was never meant for them?

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

We can go round and round about Apps for security, turning off wifi, controlling everything our children do, blocking this, blocking that, spend hours learning about how to block this and block that. Then find out our child got involved in unhealthy online activity at a friends house, or on the playground, or at lunch with buddies, or as they scrolled through their Smart Phone in the backseat of the car. No wonder we are overwhelmed.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

Here’s the deal. No matter the extent to which you find ways to control, limit, balance all things digital and the rabbit trails awaiting any of us as we go online, it’s going to happen. Our children ARE going to be exposed to less than wonderful things. They ARE going to get upset, scared, hurt. In some ways, this has always been a part of growing, prior to being engulfed by screens. It is different now, though, for the engulfment has opened up the world and our children really aren’t developmentally READY for all of that. And it is nearly impossible to be the filter for it all that we’d like to be.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

 

They need to KNOW we will be right there, alongside them, listening, exploring, helping them process their feelings in healthy ways. Not punishing. Not yelling. Not hiding under the covers. Not grabbing their device and refusing to ever let them on it again.

Instead, we need to be WITH them. Listening. Sharing our concerns, as well. Sharing what we know and see and understand about too much too soon. Brainstorming what can help, what they feel they need and want to do. Be there. Calmly. Respectfully. Connected.

THIS is how children can take the overwhelming confusion and perhaps fear and (eventually) move through it in healthy ways. It doesn’t take away what they were exposed to, but with YOU as the safe, secure, compassionate resource for them, they can more likely do the processing and letting go necessary to move forward.

Any challenges in life, when dealt with within a healthy, close, loving relationship can be better navigated and more likely in the healthy ways we want the most. How WE decide to be as our child struggles is where we can influence our relationships.

We can…

…Focus first on ourselves, PAUSE (deep breath? A bit of time?), calm down our anxiety as much as possible, consider just what you really want (beyond all of this to go away!) for your child, your relationship, and THEN step back in and respond to your child. It really does make a difference, even when you find yourself doing or saying things you wish you could  back track on; have a do-over for. Just the fact they are being said from a calmer, more respectful place keeps you more likely connected to your child in relationship-building ways.

…Listen, first and foremost following your PAUSE. “Tell me more” is a great way to begin your listening. Affirm their feelings. Ask them questions. Explore together what you (and they) are learning about online activity, screen use, its impact on our well-being. Consider steps you can take. Try out ones your child suggests. Be gently firm with your “no” when you need to say NO. Remember, you are the parent and saying NO is necessary at times to help your child figure out more about who s/he is.

...Take a look around your home environment and be sure exposure to devices and online activity reflects what you truly want for your child. This means taking a careful look at how you use devices, too. Our children are watching.

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

…Talk to other parents! Build your community of families who are also working hard at creating a healthy emotional and physical environment for their children–I’ve met many who have connected with parents of their kids’ friends, shared concerns, swapped ideas, and ultimately worked together to send the same messages to all their children–and it changes how those children then connect, play, live. Support is essential.

…Re-discover all your children CAN do instead of defaulting to screens. Ideas include all kinds of arts and crafts (simple and complex), beading, painting, playing music, disappearing into their room to re-organize and sort, listening to audio books, reading, redecorating their rooms, make cards and write letters, BAKE–hand a school aged child a cookbook and say GO, knit, crochet, build things, go OUTSIDE, bike, build forts, play cards, play games–board and outdoor ones, sit and daydream, pull out the Lego box…so MANY things can be done besides handing them your phone to entertain them. Yes, even in the car.

…Notice when you feel really good about your relationship with your child–those times that leave you smiling, feeling a full heart, delighting in time spent, knowing without a doubt you’ve connected with your child in a meaningful way. Notice. What we focus on grows–so let your noticing of these times encourage you to do MORE of whatever you’ve discovered about those times.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

 

Find Alice’s books here!

This is the magic of TRUST. When your child can trust that you will be there to help her navigate all things in life in a calm and connected way, you now are more likely to find balancing and managing all things screens to be way less overwhelming. For everything you do will be run through the filter of RELATIONSHIP and your child will more likely make healthier, more productive, often way more FUN choices in life.

Because they have YOU.

Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for all kinds of incredible support, community, experts, guidance!

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

What TO Do Instead of a Screen?

June 20, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 4 Comments

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally. 

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…   

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago (okay, maybe 20 or 25…), the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done.  Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

Find Alice’s books here!

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. A valuable resource for you is the Children’s ScreenTime Network. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

Real Books, Real Learning

October 12, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Ahhhh….the JOY of books and reading!  A friend shared this photo so I could share it with all of you. Isn’t it lovely? Can you just put yourself there, stretched out alongside another, poring over and getting lost in a really good book?

Simple. Lovely. And it stands out to me–which is a mixed bag of feelings, right now. It stands out, because instead of this being the norm these days, it is screens that we often see in front of a child or adult.

And screens? They are here to stay AND it is our responsibility to make sure they are used wisely.  Which translates to SELDOM in the early years, and as our children grow as a tool that is just a PART of truly hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based experiences. For that is key for growing well.

Reading. Real books in real time. Together.

So much is fostered!  So much more than what screens alone can do. Just think–truly sensory and language  rich–touching and turning and flipping through pages, smelling (oh yes! Books can be fun to bury our noses in…), listening, looking, talking about and studying and noticing, and yes…if you have a baby…tasting .

Screens? One dimensional. Far more about swiping and tapping and “making something happen.” Far less about conversation, rich language, imagination, focus and attention and musing and getting lost in your own thoughts and…I could go on and on….

Just think what books and reading can foster…

...LANGUAGE. Conversation. Imagination. Curiosity. Understanding. Focus and attention. A way to make sense of the world, a way to feel affirmed, a way to learn something new. A way to understand yourself. Rich diversity of WORDS that help with comprehension and language skills and all things absolutely key for schooling.

…Connection with each other–-physically and emotionally. On laps. Stretched out on the grass. Snuggled. In a circle. On a bed. Laughing, crying, poring over illustrations and talking talking talking. Or not. Maybe just listening. Now that’s an important skill! This connection? It is powerful.

…Alone time immersed in another world of your own imagination as you read words and “see” in your minds eye just what YOU want. Or absorb the illustration and consider just what might happen next…or what would it be like to…or isn’t that picture just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen…or I wonder or how about or could you do that…or or or…

...All things BRAINY. Reading a REAL book, in our hands, turning pages back and forth, touching, smelling, passing back and forth, studying words and pictures–talk about MAJOR neural connections firing away in the brain. Absolutely necessary for healthy brain growth and incredibly STRONG foundation for all learning to come.

And then I think about how books foster things like…hiding under covers with a flashlight and a good paperback story that then ends up on your face as you fall sound asleep. Page corners turned down, pages flipped to as you try to remember something or share a passage or just re-read, piles made and moved and changed and re-organized, a chance to underline and write in and take notes in columns, book covers and binders to run your hands over, think about, enjoy the art, fan out the book, ruffle the pages, fill a bookshelf, empty a bookshelf (rather like my girls when toddlers and teens!).

Seemingly little things, I know. And yet they bring a richness to an experience that is essential for our growth and wellness in life. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

And you know what this all comes down to? Building relationships. Look at this photo! A sister reading to her brother–both absorbed in something absolutely wonderful that leaves them feeling truly connected. Sister practicing her skill at reading. Sharing her love for books with her brother who is finding out how wonderful listening and absorbing stories can be. You can bet, as he grows, he’ll be clamoring for a pile of books for himself.

Because he, alongside his sister, is discovering the JOY of reading.

Together. A book that has absorbed his attention. A sister and brother depositing into a life-long relationship.

Find Alice’s books here!

Go read this weekend. Offer up piles of books. Head to your library. Read and re-read the favorite book. Throw a blanket over a table and give your child a flashlight and a few books. Sit and read for yourself. Watch how your child immerses themselves differently in a real book versus a screen. Because they do. And it is important.

Enjoy. And make reading books with your children a priority…and check out another article all about books right here.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s (Not) Ask Google

October 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

I wrote this piece after viewing a television commercial of a father and child poring over a book together. The commercial  was promoting the use of technology to create/enhance a warm and meaningful connection for the parent and child. Yet I believe using technology in this way takes away much more than it gives:

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

 

Child: “Daddy, what do whales sound like?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Google, what does a whale sound like?”

Google: “Blue whales have many sounds…”

Child: “Do whales sleep?”

Dad: “Google...” (As heard and interpreted from a commercial)

You know, it is pretty fun, being able to “ask Google” or Alexis or “whomever” your technology offers up. It’s fun, even enlightening at times, finding out these answers. It can create more conversation and enjoyment in the moment. Certainly it can bring people together as they enjoy trying out this technology and even using it to expand their knowledge and maybe then using this knowledge to understand and explore even further.

And yet…here’s the deal…

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

Just think–as you quickly look to the fast and “right” answer, there is less conversation, less musing, less curiosity encouraged. Imagination is limited, real and lengthy problem solving challenged. There is less need for a stronger attention span, a desire to understand beyond the answer; and less opportunity to truly CONNECT.

Let’s save those quick answers as much as possible when we are exploring/reading/talking with our child. Instead, let’s:

Ask our child, “I wonder…how big do YOU suppose a blue whale is?” “Maybe as big as…a mouse? A house?” Giggles and eye-twinkles. Maybe you ask, “Can you show me how BIG a whale might be??” And down onto the floor your child goes, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g arms and legs out as far as can be…”WOW. Now THAT is big. I bet you ARE a whale!”

Muse, “I think a whale might sound like…a DOG!” “Noooo, daddy…whales don’t sound like a DOG. I think they sound like…” And on you go back and forth, conversing, sharing, imagining, laughing, connecting. Maybe pretending to be many different animals and the play extends way beyond whales…

Getting lost in a good book…

Be curious, “You know, I always wondered if they sleep…how do you suppose we can find out?” “Ummm…go find a whale and ask?” “Oooh…where can we find a whale?” “I know! Under my bed!” And off you two go to look under the bed, talk to the pretend whale, both snuggle and imagine you are a pair of whales taking a snooze…

Foster creativity and imagination–to let go of the “right” answer and go with creative ones that take you down a much richer, more colorful road to discovery.

Immerse your child in hands-on , sensory and language rich, relationship-based learning—use our bodies and minds and imagination to come up with what WE think. Our child’s ideas encouraged, honored, enjoyed. Such confidence in our child’s ability to learn that is communicated!

Practice problem solving—the kind that has your child digging into other resources, asking more questions, growing their competent and capable self–all so key for all things learning through life. Problem solving that takes patience, curiosity, time…the kind that strengthens us from the inside-out.

And then there is CONNECTION—true, meaningful, lovely, wonder-filled, light-hearted, curious connection. One filled with conversation and discovery. One that speaks of confidence in your child’s ability to learn…to figure things out…to ask questions and know they will be listened to. Connection that says “Your ideas are important! You can count on me to join alongside you as we work to discover together. Taking time to explore is fun! Look at all we can do together as we figure out answers…” What a way to deposit into a healthy relationship.

So leave Google and Alexis for the occasional quick answer. Let that be fun now and again. And instead–deposit richly into your child by letting their questions lead you both down a path of exploration and discovery that truly grows a healthy brain and amazing relationship. You and your child are worth the extra time this takes.

Find Alice’s books here!

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

 

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Things Are Different These Days

March 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Spirituality Comment

I spoke with a (Grand)-dad recently who reflected on how he was brought up by a fair and firm mother. One who listened, considered, and said “no” when necessary. A mother who had clear boundaries for her son and held to them calmly and with a gentle firmness. He shared how he knew where he stood with her;  how he could count on what she said, she’d do. He also spoke of, with a bit of a smile, not liking the “no’s” even as he felt heard and understood by his mother, and how his mother was okay with his feelings. And here he now was– a curious, kind and respectful adult, embracing what life throws at him with a sense of humor and humbleness, taking care to take responsibility for himself.

He spoke to his unsettled feelings over how children are raised nowadays–and he shared that his wife told him it’s because things are different now from when he was young.

This gave me pause. Things ARE different than when he was a boy.  We have many, many families that are made up vastly differently then his traditional two-parent, stay-at-home mom experience was. We are immersed in technology and screens. We have a culture that encourages and even demands a fast paced and full life-style. We have children growing up in an environment full of digital devices and all the concerns and advantages this brings. We have so many parenting labels to try on these days. I could go on with all that is different; I’m sure you, can, as well.

Yet something very important hasn’t changed. How our children develop physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Our children’s development continues to unfold in the ways it always has. What has changed is the “Out There” and how we respond to all those outer influences when it comes to parenting, to building our relationships. The demands of our faster paced, technology driven lifestyle demands our attention. And the more we focus on that, the more it seems things change with children. And often in less desirable ways. We are more likely to live from a reactive rather than responsive place.

Parenting from a “firm and fair” place continues to be the authoritative parenting style that supports our children and our relationships in the best possible way, allowing our children to develop healthily. It requires our focus to start within ourselves. To put aside the demands of our “out there” culture/life/world and PAUSE. Think. Slow down enough to really listen to ourselves, from the inside out. The ever-increasing pull to attend to all those “out there” things robs us of our ability to live from our inner selves. And this is the core of parenting well. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our children (and others!), for supporting our child’s optimal development and well-being. For helping our children develop their inner selves. Essential for a healthy life.

I believe it requires us to slow down. If not from the outside, then within. Yes, you can do both–still be caught up in a fast-paced life and slow down from within. The key? Strengthen your PAUSE. Really! Start with the heated moments and discover ways to calm a bit before responding to your child. Pause, breathe, walk away, close your eyes and focus first on YOURSELF. Your feelings; your upset. Settle to the best of your ability. This one step will make a tremendous difference over time.

And what a gift to our children, as we strengthen our ability to take care of our upset and connect calmly with them. What a gift to our children as we show them the power of PAUSE and how to develop that in themselves. To learn to think and reflect a bit, to be given plenty of time to DO so (Our Children Need to PAUSE, too!). Our ability to be fair and firm, as this Grand-dad talked of, comes from our ability to take our time with our children, and guide them from the inside-out.

Our world needs this more than ever. We need to nurture our ability to BE. Our children need unscheduled time, bored time, lots and lots of nature time. And so do we. Pausing gives us the start in this kind of healing we and our society needs. Things are different, now. And our children need what they’ve always needed. Fair, gently firm guidance coming from a calm and connected adult. This has not changed.

The need for it has.

Let’s refocus. Let’s respond to what our children require from us in order to grow well. Then let this be our guide for what “out there” actually needs our time and attention.  In time, with practice, our essential BE-ing will rise up and be a real and positive influence for our children, families, communities, world.

Find Alice’s books here!

How cool is that? Here’s to this Grand-dad who I left musing on the sidewalk as he, too, considered that, in the essential ways, things haven’t changed at all. We just need to refocus.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2021 Alice Hanscam

 

 

Did You Know? Media Matters.

February 22, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

It’s evening. You are scrambling to get dinner going or maybe immersed in cleaning it all up. Your children are ramping up. You’ve worked all day and still have chores, emails, work, bath, reading, teeth to do. Chaos is reigning and you need a distraction–you and your kids!

On goes the TV. Or iPad. Or other digital device. A show is put on. Or video game. Or other entertaining App. But since YOU need the distraction just as much, you turn on a funny show that you enjoy and seems totally okay for your kids, too.

PAUSE.  Something we need to KNOW is just how what our kids watch affects their developing selves. So let’s rewind a bit to a handful of years ago and a concrete example I can give. Remember the show Friends? It was lighthearted, funny, geared toward adults and aired at a time children were still up. It actually was the top rated show for preschoolers for 10 years.It really matters none which show I focus on, the info I share next pertains to ALL that we plunk our kids in front of; yet Friends is such an excellent example.

Let’s start with our preschoolers. What IS the big deal about letting them watch alongside us funny-to-us shows that seem relatively harmless?

Consider this…

The number one developmental task of a preschooler is to learn behavioral and emotional self-control--if you are a parent of a 4-year-old you know exactly what this means! There is little emotional (or behavioral!) self control exhibited on Friends–that is what makes it so funny for us watching it.  We laugh at it all!

What does our laughter communicate to our preschooler?

That self-control is really not all that important.  That losing our self-control really is just funny! Oops. Probably not what we really want to communicate as we yet again try to get our over-the-top preschooler to just cool their jets…not hit their brother…quit throwing and jumping and flying over the furniture or yelling extra loud, or being that puddle on the floor because they didn’t get their turn…

Take this further…

If our preschooler does not successfully accomplish the task of self-control, they now do not have what they need to grow through the middle childhood main task in healthy ways–how to be a friend. That preschool task of learning to manage BIG feelings? It is necessary to develop healthy friendships.

How does watching friends as an elementary age child influence them at this developmental stage?

That friendships are supposed to be sarcastic, unkind, back-biting.  What does our laughter as we watch this show communicate? That this is exactly how friendships are supposed to look.

Fast forward to middle school and check out how the kids are treating each other. Oh heck, look at your 4th, 5th, or 6th grader to see plenty of unkindness, back-biting, downright mean stuff. Yes, sometimes this is “normal” (think girls and the challenges in later elementary years), and that is all the more reason to be sure what is role-modeled everywhere else (shows included) is respectful and kind.

Let’s go a bit further down the developmental road…

To the teen years. What is the number one task for a teen? The further development of intimate relationships (as well as separating from us!). What does our enjoyment over Friends communicate as they, too, watch?

That all of our relationships are infused with sex–that this is what the epitome of a meaningful relationship is. Sexual, sarcastic, unkind.  I am most certain most of you want to see just the opposite in your teen–you’d like to see respect, healthy choices, a kind and generous spirit (at least away from home… 🙂 ).

It is essential that we think through what

we want our children exposed to.

 

PAUSE and think through what we want to communicate and what we actually are via our words and actions.

Be sensitive to your child’s developmental stage and how what they watch influences their social, emotional, and intellectual growth. Take it seriously, for your child’s (and our society’s) health depends on it.

And when you still, out of sheer desperation, turn on a show that just isn’t a great choice? It’s OKAY. Because you’ve worked hard at choosing with care and  as you navigate the world of media and screens these moments are going to happen–in your home, or elsewhere. Their effect CAN be countered by the protective factors of a safe, loving, connected relationship with you.  YOU who will ask questions, talk about what the child sees, explore their feelings, role model just what you really want.

Find Alice’s books here!

Science, research, experience is showing us clearly what many of us know intuitively. Take care in the media you expose your children to. It matters.

 

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

The Cost of Smart Phones…

September 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

It is such a struggle.

A million connections and “have-tos” to maintain AND all the needs of our children. Not to mention our own self-care, our relationship with our partners, work, meals, finances, illness, you name it.

It’s a struggle, this juggling we all do. Exhausting. Frustrating. Trying to be good parents, friends, employers and employees, partners.

Enter in smart phones. Yes! This struggle, with phone in hand, feels like it can be eased.

Now we can manage so much of our life where-ever we are.  Maybe we can take care of the scheduling, banking, finding key information, and still connect with other adults (whew! Adult time, essential)…all while our children play at the library book center…the park…on the playground…in front of a screen of their own…in the waiting room at the doctor’s office…in the grocery cart busily munching an apple.  All because of our phone.

We can do all of this as we move through our day without stopping (or breathing, sometimes), maybe with the intent of freeing ourselves up come evening time and really enjoy our family meal or pile of books or play time outside.

Maybe.

Or maybe we find that smart phone and all the connections encroach upon our evenings. Ring Ding Ping and our attention moves from our child or our self or whatever we are engaged in to our phone. Or laptop. Or iPad. Or whatever digital device that is the latest and greatest.

It IS a struggle.

With all the increasing awareness of the essential time

AWAY and OFF of screens is for growing well, building healthy relationships, having brains that really can be at their optimum…we should be doing better.

 

Yet it seems rather harmless…

…as we sit on the library play area’s floor with our child happily toddling around to engage ourselves on our phones.

…to pay more attention to our phones rather than staying tuned into our babies, their experience, their interest in the world around them.

…to sit on the bench at the playground and do more of our work while our kids are roaring around.

…to say, “Wait a sec! Daddy just texted me…” as your child is in the middle of telling you a funny story from school.

…to constantly or daily text our teens and young adults in order to feel more connected and involved in their lives.

It SEEMS rather harmless. And you know, on occasion it is necessary and totally okay and even fun. Yet is it really so necessary the majority of the time? Or have we gotten ourselves into a lifestyle of on-line living that we find it a real struggle to step away from it?

And at the cost of what? I believe at a very concerning cost to our relationships–with ourselves, our partners, our children. In so many ways. Think about those teens and young adults as we constantly stay “connected” by texting them–how can they do the ever-essential cutting of the apron strings when we won’t untie them ourselves? That’s a whole other post to write..

With our attention constantly divided or, as in with our teens and young adults, constantly given because now we CAN, we communicate an underlying disrespect for (and with our teens, a lack of confidence in) another. And what I feel quite concerned about is how THAT seems “normal” now. No big deal. Yet it is a big deal.

This subtle disrespect (or not so subtle at times…)? It ripples out and permeates everything we do, every relationship we have. It OKs a culture of disrespect. We’ve been seeing an overwhelming amount of that in recent years.

More importantly, our kids feel disconnected from us.

They have to try even harder for our attention (in not so good ways, usually…). They “hear” THEY aren’t as important as what is ringing dinging pinging on our phones. They “hear” what they do and who they are isn’t appreciated or understood by us–how could it be when we are constantly glancing down at our phones, then up to nod and smile and say, “Yes! I see you! I hear you!”  then down again to our phones? Ever hear, “But MOM, you aren’t listening to me with your EYES!”??

The teens and young adults who we feel so connected with due to texting so often with them? They “hear” our lack of confidence in their ability to separate, LAUNCH, become independent adults. Probably not what any of us intend.

I’m betting it is rather exhausting–emotionally and physically–for our kids to constantly remind us to look, hope we will look, to catch us up on the story by re-telling it because we got interrupted yet again. Or maybe not retelling it and just shrugging their shoulders and saying “Never mind…”, feeling even less connected with us. Or, of course, acting up and out as they try ever so hard to GET our attention. Negative behavior, enough of it, often draws our attention pretty quick…:-)

I’m betting it is rather exhausting emotionally and physically for our older kids and young adults who feel they have to juggle our texts constantly, or have decided it is the norm to stop whatever they are doing and disconnecting from whomever they are with to answer, yet again, one of our Ring Ding Pings to them. Or maybe they answer because they feel responsible for how we will feel if they don’t stop what they are doing to respond…

And just think of and know about the exhaustion in our own bodies and minds as we constantly have to re-attend to whatever it is we are trying to attend. You know, listening to, learning about, or reading something of interest, to hear that Ring Ding Ping, to glance, maybe respond, to then re-focus on what you were first doing? We lose. A lot, over time. And when it becomes our norm, we forget how much we lose. Until the stress or the overwhelming nature of it all causes a big enough crises in our life that we decide to choose differently.Like anxiety. Withdrawal. Rebellion. Depression. Ours AND our children’s.

It is a struggle.

I see it everywhere. Even as I am incredibly intentional with my screen use, I feel the struggle, too. I definitely feel the exhaustion.

The question is:

What more can we do to create the healthy space FROM our phones and screens so we can be SURE to create the healthy relationships, to actually use all these moments throughout our days in relationship building ways and recognize how they count hugely over time?

To truly deposit, often and with our full and respectful presence, into all our relationships?

Share with me what works for you to be intentional with your screen use, rather than going through your day always reacting to those fairly constant Ring Ding Pings. I’d like to know. We all need encouragement to PAUSE and BE fully with another, with ourselves. We all need encouragement to step away from this constantly ON life-style we’ve found ourselves in–to know that there is a real and essential necessity to step OFF.

To find the balance that truly builds

all relationships in healthy ways.

 

I encourage all of us to be intentional with all that we do–most especially, in how we connect meaningfully with our children and others in our lives, and what place our devices actually have in doing so.

Find Alice’s books here!

I’d like to know your thoughts…share with me!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

 

Commercialism and Our Children

August 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Something I’ve yet to directly address in my work is the commercialization of childhood and the marketing directed at our children. After a lengthy conversation with Susan Linn, author of Consuming Kids and The Case for Make Believe, I feel inspired to do so.

When our children are immersed in all the commercialization directed at them, unhappiness and unhealthy development ultimately reigns. As children grow, they are more likely to experience increased anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. By the time they are teens and young adults, this can be devastating.

It really does begin with our little ones and what we choose to let them see and do on digital devices, in the stores, online, in and with any media. 

Whether it is buying a meal from a fast-food chain and getting whatever toy depicting whatever character from whatever Disney or Pixar movie tucked in their take-out bag, or immersed in video games or apps on their device, a child is being sold. Sold a brand. Sold an image of who Someone Else thinks they should be. Sold ideas and beliefs and ways of life. And the truly disturbing part of all this? It is rarely, if ever, for the good of the child.

It IS for money and power. Not our child’s power, but the companies and CEOs and the tech world’s power. If it was for the child’s power, then there would be NO marketing towards our little ones. Instead, we would see complete respect for childhood by protecting and defending what healthy development is. And now we would more likely have the healthy, successful, thriving adults, communities, and world we strive for.

That healthy development? Commercialism has no place in it.  

Those cute little toys that depict your child’s favorite movie? It’s supporting the marketing directed at kids–watch our amazing movie and then you’ll want to buy our stuff, and then you’ll want to watch and buy even more. Rarely, if ever, are all those cute little toys something that enhances childhood. Typically a child will play with them based on how they saw them behave in the movie or video or ad they watched. Not their own ideas, but someone else’s. This may not seem like such a big deal, and it probably isn’t when it is just  now and again. Yet over time and consumption hours, it becomes a very big deal. Our child is now being robbed of the opportunity to create and imagine her OWN ideas and thoughts. To decide for herself how she wants a doll to behave or what a cape is used for. Fast forward to teen years, and it can translate to believing someone else knows better how she is to clothe her body, use her body, what to put in her body.

Those video games and fun apps? Often “persuasively designed.” What does that mean? Designed to intentionally hook and even addict your child onto something that they will now want more of–and pester you until you buy more. And more. Video games ramp up with inappropriate content. Apps are sold to “make your child smarter!”, “learn to read faster!” and whatever other “bait” used to convince you this is for your child’s good.

It rarely is.

Those video games get worse. The violence alone should be enough to say no to them, but that “persuasive design” has our kids hooked. It can be hard to say NO to a teen who has flipped out or is incredibly depressed. And it just keeps getting worse. Why are these games continued to be developed? Because we (or at least our teens and young adults) buy them. Money and power, remember?

Something that really bothers me is how all of this marketing and commercialism emphasizes focusing “out there” on needing “things” in order to BE happy, smart, to have fun, to get exercise, to come up with way cool ideas. 

It can rob our children of the necessary and important opportunities to…

…think their OWN thoughts, come up with their OWN ideas, decide what they like and don’t like and want to do based on healthy experiences with the world around them.   

…discover and strengthen their resilience when facing challenges–resilience that requires time to reflect and think and be bored in order to tap into feelings and how to manage them. Resilience that requires persistence and determination as a child works through a problem or challenge in their own way.

…connect authentically and meaningfully with others and the world around them. Now their connections reflect more of what a certain character did–such as Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers back in my daughter’s preschool years. Kids “played” Ninjas and Power Rangers which meant they kicked and swept their arms around and pushed and hollered. It can seem cute to us when they copy the play of something they saw on TV or did on a device. Yet play? It is meant to be an expression of themselves from the inside out. A chance to work through feelings, to express and act upon ideas, to imagine and create. To think for themselves.

With necessary and healthy time protected from the commercialism that engulfs our culture, children grow from the inside out:

~ They can feel strong and answer many of their own needs from within themselves, rather than always seeking more more more from “out there” in order to feel good. Commercialism begets reactiveness. No way to live on a regular basis.

~ They have a profound ability to imagine, pretend, create–necessary for learning all through life.

~ They manage their OWN feelings and understand them so much better. This self-regulation? It is key for living and relating well; for developing compassion and empathy; for understanding another’s perspective.

~ They learn productive ways to negotiate with a buddy, to listen to someone else’s ideas, collaborate, create, and then act upon them. This exchanging of ideas with another? This is very different from seeing a video and getting ideas from it. With a person, in real time, there is a richness, there is meaning, there is true hands-on, sensory and language rich collaboration within a relationship. Everything a child needs to grow well.

We need to push back on marketing directed at our children. We need to help our children recognize when advertising is directed at them and how wrong that can be. We need to take care in the choices we make as we move through our days–take care in the apps, games, print material, stores, videos, shows, etal that we allow our children to use, play, read, immerse themselves in. We need to be clear on what our children need the most to develop well from one age to the next. We need to protect our children from a culture immersed in commercialism and give them the time and space to BE children.

Now they are more likely to become adults who can live life

balanced, recognizing their own needs, feeling their own power, and standing strong in what is right and good as they, too, bring

children into the world. 

Find Alice’s books here!

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2020 Alice Hanscam

 

 

 

 

 

What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology

July 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.

Congratulations!

Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.

It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your  (and your baby’s) life.   

You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in.  A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.

What do babies need to thrive?

A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…

What do parents strive for? 

Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:

• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?

What do you need to know?

Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:

• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is  key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.

There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.

How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?

Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:

  • Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
  • Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
  • Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.

Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!

Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.

Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences. 

Questions to ask yourself

What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?

What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?

How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?

Find Alice’s books here!

Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2020 Alice Hanscam

 

Wiggles and Giggles!

February 21, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

 

The father and three children (ages 4 to 8) in a local ice-cream shop totally engaged with each other playing Rock, Paper, Scissors…

The giggles, the glee, the twinkles in the dad’s eyes as yet again he somehow got swallowed up by paper, cut by scissors, pounded by rocks. Another hand game followed–unfamiliar to me–that had the kids negotiating with each other, the dad learning, the entire family focused on each other. The climbing on laps, the up and down and back and forth, the JOY. Truly a delight and what wonderful deposits into all their relationships.

Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”

And the children glowed.

 

The family of four in a local restaurant, a young teen and toddler. No technology on the table…

…including cell phones, tablets, you name it. Just the four of them talking, sharing food, laughing. The interactions with the toddler were a delight to watch–his teen-aged sister included him in conversation, eyes big and wide, smiling and engaging him, taking his 2-year-old input quite seriously. Mom obviously found real joy in watching two-year-old antics, listening to teen ideas and concerns…and dad? He planted himself next to his toddler absorbing all the goings on calmly and peacefully. They left the restaurant hand in hand. Lovely to see, heartwarming to watch.

 

The grandfather who lit up as he shared about raising his 6-year-old grand-daughter…

Despite the reasons being rather unhappy, he has embraced this as the gift and opportunity it is. I delighted in his sharing of how meaningful this is, how his patience has grown in extraordinary ways, of how deeply connected he feels. He talked about how he and his wife, once a bit at odds with parenting, feel quite the team. The LIGHT in his face and eyes, the bounce in his step as he talked about his grand-daughter’s antics, her absorption in books, the adventures they go on…all of it left me feeling what a blessed little girl to have landed in such a loving, joyful, secure, connected family. And what a gift to grand-dad, for this has brought real meaning and joy into his life–and he, and his granddaughter are thriving.

Put your attention to what you can appreciate,

to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply

connecting with those you are with.

Notice the joy that fills you.

 

Look around today, find the moments that put a smile on your face, appreciate the wiggles and giggles of certain ages, the resilience and patience of a parent (or grandparent!) in the midst of chaos. Simply notice.

And then pay attention to how you feel as a result…and how this benefits those around you. I think you may like what you discover–your children certainly will. Intentionally make it an appreciative, joyful day…week…hour.

Find Alice’s books here!

Enjoy wiggle stories? Here’s another: A Story of Boys and Their Wiggles

With appreciation for all of you,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Social Media, Smart Phones and Our Children

October 28, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

“It’s not so different now. Back when I was in school I remember being embarrassed and even devastated at times over what someone said about me. I got over it.”

“Things really haven’t changed that much–kids talk behind each other’s backs just like they did when I was that age.”

“Oh those middle-school kids! They are all about embarrassing and being embarrassed. They’ll grow out of it.”

You know what? Things HAVE changed. Children often cannot “get over it” or “grow out of it.” They can’t, anymore. Because now everything is recorded, shared, snap chatted, gone viral, there for the world to see. Forever. Check out this article. It is excellent. And it is only comparing 2008 to 2018: “Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now, One Teacher’s Take”

What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).

Consider these:

~ The dopamine hit that causes addiction like behavior–replaying and replaying what is so hurtful when you are the one hurt; refreshing and refreshing if you are the one doing the hurting–how many likes does my video or photo have NOW?

~ The inability to remove yourself successfully from all things embarrassing and letting your feelings process and dissipate. Instead of “time will make it better” it becomes “time amplifies and magnifies.”

~ Instead of choosing whom you want to share your experience with and when you want to do so, it is decided for you. Over and over and over again as something is shared online.

~ The lack of a “safe haven” that home ought to be–once you get home after school, you’re supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief, for you are away from all that happened at school. No more–for with all the devices now at home and family members equally engulfed by them, your school life has become your home life. There can be no safe space once something is online, shared, forwarded from one person to the next.

~ The greater divide that unfolds between the child hurt and embarrassed by being the subject of derisive social media posts and the child whose addiction to getting more and more likes. The first, as they seek to feel better by being “liked” or “followed” is sinking deeper into what feels like and often becomes rejection followed by depression; the second becomes bolstered towards bullying and often without understanding what they are doing, for their attention is on feeling good. All via “likes” and “follows.”

~ No longer having the respite family creates, for so often you come home to the disconnection caused by each member equally involved with devices. No wonder children can end up even further down this rabbit hole of social media and devices–if family life no longer offers the support, presence, “safe haven” from all the upsetting middle-school (and teen and elementary, too!) experiences, then the hurt child and the instigator child have no buffer necessary for processing, growing, learning. For emotional wellness.

Things ARE different. Our children need us

to do better so they can, too.

 

Directly from the author (Benjamin Conlon) of the article:

Smart phone and social media have “fundamentally altered how children interact with the world and not in a good way. We can change that. In addition to the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, consider taking the following steps to help your children reclaim childhood:

  1. Propose that administrators and teachers stop using social media for school related purposes. In many districts teachers are encouraged to employ Twitter and Instagram for classroom updates. This is a bad thing. It normalizes the process of posting content without consent and teaches children that everything exciting is best viewed through a recording iPhone. It also reinforces the notion that ‘likes’ determine value. Rather than reading tweets from your child’s teacher, talk to your children each day. Ask what’s going on in school. They’ll appreciate it.

  2. Insist that technology education include a unit on phone etiquette, the dark sides of social media and the long-term ramifications of posting online. Make sure students hear from individuals who have unwittingly and unwillingly been turned into viral videos.   

  3. Tell your children stories from your own childhood. Point out how few of them could have happened if smartphones had been around. Remind your children that they will some day grow up and want stories of their own. An afternoon spent online doesn’t make for very good one.

  4. Teach your children that boredom is important. They should be bored. Leonardo Da Vinci was bored. So was Einstein. Boredom breeds creativity and new ideas and experiences. Cherish boredom. 

  5. Remind them that, as the saying goes, adventures don’t come calling like unexpected cousins. They have to be found. Tell them to go outside and explore the real world. Childhood is fleeting. It shouldn’t be spent staring at a screen.” (Benjamin Conlon)

YES. To all of what he writes. Wait until Eighth. Wait longer if you can. Protect your child’s health and well-being and give them the gift of a social-media, smart-phone-free childhood for as long as possible–at minimum in your own home.

Check out my article, Keeping Our Children Safe. Check out another article about the importance of being bored and empty spaces right here.

Find Alice’s books here!

Things ARE different for our children in this age of social media. What isn’t different is how each and every one of us work hard at parenting well, wanting the best for our children, striving always to grow healthy, happy, successful future adults. Feel encouraged by connecting with other parents, sharing your own concerns, as well as what works in your family, and become the village our children and each of us need for ensuring  healthy childhoods and lives. We are all worth it.

A community to join to find support, encouragement, research, and more: The Screen Time Action Network.

With appreciation and HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

Story Telling. Human or Device?

October 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

THIS is disturbing:

“Alexa in the Classroom? Amazon’s Voice Assistant Leads Kids’ Story Time.”

Take a moment and look at the article. Story Time is WAAAAAAAY more than a voice. It is the interaction between story teller and child. It is the facial expressions, the eye contact, the recognition that a child was sparked by something said, or is fidgeting, or looks worried.

Where is the compassion, the connection, the warmth and interest and wonderful exchange between teller and listener?

 

Teaching any lesson, in school or at home that includes an attentive and engaged adult really listening to and watching the children involved is essential for real learning. How can having a screen and voice be seen as a better way for children to learn in school? As ANY way to learn in school beyond an occasional event?

Yes, we listen to voices on radio shows and audio books. Yet consider the difference–no screen, for one–we are LISTENING with our ears, rather than staring at a screen. These listening times are done in a more casual setting, with interaction and exchanges happening between listeners. It is a once in a while event, sometimes with radio shows it is an eagerly anticipated one that includes good company, food, lively conversation.

Sometimes with audio books we are all actively listening and enjoying together, smiling, nodding, connecting in quiet ways…and then when its over we all talk about all that we heard and understood. Real learning. Sometimes we listen all by ourselves, lost in our own thoughts.

Not so with Alexa in school or at home giving lessons and telling stories.

It is yet another round of screen time–minus the warmth of a human being actively engaged–asking kids to sit and listen and participate by answering questions while staring at a screen.

What are we LOSING if we start turning to Alexa for our children to get their lessons and hear stories–whether at home or in school?

What are we DOING with even more screens in front of our children?

We know better. We KNOW how children learn, how relationships are built, what our brains need to grow and be healthy.

I find this to be incredibly concerning.

Find Alice’s books here!

I hope you do, too. Let Amazon know what you think. Let your schools know what you think. Keep story telling human.

With real concern,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Be Tech Intentional

September 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Because I keep getting asked by parents overwhelmed and truly concerned about all things digital in their children’s lives, I share this poster once again.
 

Be Tech Intentional.

 
This includes educating yourself on just what your children ARE doing and seeing. It includes growing your awareness of the impact digital use has on different ages and stages.
 
Know that as your child grows he or she will be in homes with different rules and awareness. As one Mama spoke to me recently, she doesn’t want her 5th grade son randomly exposed to and exploring things online (think porn, for one)–so she has taken the steps of speaking to the parents of homes where her son goes to play, asking that iPads and smart phones are not in the hands of the kids.
 
Another mama is working actively on her SELF to calm her anxiety over all things screens so she CAN guide her young son through positive exposure…and she is finding it tough, for she’d rather have NONE. Balance…it is key.
 
And yet another family has a place on the kitchen counter for their children’s friends, as they come to play bringing along all kinds of digital devices, to “park” their devices while at their house. As the papa said, “If you need to call your parents while you are here, you are welcome to use your phone right here in the kitchen.”
 

Be Tech Intentional. Know the impact. Know the content. Walk the talk. It is so very difficult…and it is so very essential.

 
Find Alice’s books here!

Need more ideas and help? Two articles for you to take a look at: What TO Do Instead of a Screen and MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen,

Here’s to parenting well,
 
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam

ENOUGH with Violent Tragedies

August 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

The Universe is banging down our door.

Because my work, life, and passion is helping parents grow healthy, connected relationships with their children and for families to thrive, I feel it is time I spoke out about the tragedies that are occurring with increasing frequency.

Horrific, tragic mass shootings have become more and more frequent. Familiar, even. And when things become familiar, there is a sense of normalcy about them.

These tragedies? There should NEVER

be anything normal or familiar about them.

 

And as they’ve become more frequent, it seems to me the Universe is knocking hard and repeatedly, asking us to create real, positive CHANGE. If we continue to ignore it now, what will it take for us to make a difference in the future? This I worry about.

Here’s what I understand through my personal life, and my professional experience as a Parent Coach. All through life we are presented with challenges. As we embrace challenges, take time to think about them, learn to do things differently, we grow and the challenges fade or evolve into something healthy. When we ignore challenges, hope they’ll go away while we keep on doing just what we’ve always done, what often happens is it comes back at us bigger and stronger. Until we either decide to do some growing or we “die”—wither a bit at the least, literally at the worst.

Liken this to parenting, if you will. You have a Testy Toddler. You work at understanding how to give choices, boundaries, be calm and consistent. Their testing subsides; they learn to manage themselves a bit more. They grow and learn, as do you. Then they become a preschooler. And if you have a three or four-year-old, you may understand this fully—they make an exponential leap in growth and as a result, what you thought of as hard with your toddler is now overwhelming.

At first you dig in your heels and do as you did with them as a 2-year-old. It no longer works. They ramp it up. Finally, hopefully, you figure it out—they need more choices, more freedom to be their independent selves, and a bit different boundaries. You grow, they settle and you move on until the next major developmental stage.

If you don’t, relationships go south rapidly. If you continue to fight them, it just gets harder and harder through the years. Then you have a teen and you realize something has to change—and now the steps you need to take? They become much more drastic and harder to implement. Yet they are essential in order to support the healthy growth of your teen, so you learn, act, work on yourself, and grow. And your relationship begins to feel better, your teen turns into a twenty-something who does see you as a resource; respects and trust you. It took a tremendous and often painful effort and you did it.

It seems to me the Universe, years ago and in regards to these horrific events, asked us to PAUSE and consider what we can do to ensure our children CAN grow into adulthood, be healthy and safe; to have connected communities for all to live and thrive in.

We, seemingly due to politics, blame, passion over what our individual rights are, refused to change.

Now the Universe is knocking us HARD.

Banging down our door, so to speak.

Taking steps to create real and positive change now becomes much, much harder. Similar to our preschooler or teen, as we’ve ignored the challenges and the change required, things have really ramped up between political parties, individuals, and communities. Reactivity is the name of the game. Change now will have to be BIG. More drastic. Harder. Definitely uncomfortable. Change now requires letting go of things we’ve felt were our right, or assumed were how things should be, and choose otherwise. That leaves us feeling like our rights are challenged and could be compromised.

If my words push a button in you, then I ask you to recognize that as a “red flag” to PAUSE. For all of us to pause. To calm ourselves down. To ask ourselves why we feel upset, reactive, anxious. To consider what we really want and how that looks in real life, for our children, for our communities.

This is where I want all of us to consider

just what we hope for and value the most for our children and future grandchildren; for our families and communities.

 

I’m hoping what we want and value is really very similar from family to family. Safety. Health. Well-being. A child who gets to live into their adulthood, being productive, purposeful, kind, respectful, trusting, honest. Future adults who live in a thriving community filled with caring and hard-working people, living life fully.

As we look through this lens, I’d like us to consider two areas I feel are imperative for change:

  • What can we do for greater and necessary gun safety?
  • What can we do to lessen the negative impact from violent video games and other digital technology full of violent imagery?

I know it is a myriad of things culminating in these tragic events. Families struggling, mental health, digital devices and all they involve, undue pressures to succeed for our children, social media intermingling with developmental stages that just can’t handle it, a culture that seems to allow and accept divisive words and actions.

I am grateful for the work by so many already supporting and empowering parents and children; helping those with mental health issues; speaking out about healthy screen technology; educating about what children need the most to grow optimally; encouraging all of us to think about our use and the role of weapons in our lives. I know we need to and hopefully will keep moving forward with all of these efforts, for they are creating positive change for families.

More can—needs to—be done. We have reached a

level of violence that is beyond comprehension.

One way I feel is imperative to create real change is by taking charge of what our children view—and in my mind this involves our children no longer being exposed to violent video imagery as they “play” their “games.” This includes demanding the makers of video games to step up and take responsibility for their part in unhealthy screen technology.

Two excellent clips to watch in regards to this:

Why Children are Killing Children in Modern Society

Barney vs. Power Rangers

Perhaps taking REAL steps from the outside-in will give us the pause necessary to strengthen all of us from the inside-out. Let’s continue demanding healthier screen technology; educate ourselves about the powerful impact technology can have and make choices as parents that protect our children from being so negatively influenced by what they view and play on screens; lessen the likelihood of mental illness as a result of the anxiety, depression and isolation that emerges from unhealthy childhoods, unhealthy digital lives.

Perhaps strive to be rid of all violent digital technology.

Help in regards to all of this can be found through the Children’s Screen Time Action Network.

Along with violent video imagery, I’m

deeply concerned about an area that seems to cause an

extraordinary amount of reactivity and divisiveness—our

use and availability of GUNS.

 

I realize this subject can anger many people. Knowing how powerful words are for creating our reality, I’d like to start by letting go of “gun control”, words that raise hackles and create endless conflict with no change in sight, to gun SAFETY.

Then let’s have conversations—uncomfortable, perhaps—with those whose views differ from ours. Share stories about what we know and understand, how things look in our individual experiences. Listen. Then talk honestly about the common goal of safe, healthy communities and children, and take action towards what CAN be done.

Consider supporting barring sales to those with mental illness, background checks for private sales, banning high capacity magazines.

Speak FOR passing laws that make it harder for those with ill intent to gain access to weapons.

Stand up for responsible gun ownership, gun safety training and knowledge, saving our children and ensuring their healthier future.

As my friend said, “Let’s start with changing the language around the discussion—gun safety, sensible gun ownership, responsibly armed. Perhaps this will help us all to listen better to one another and take the action necessary for our children’s healthy future. Change the language, change the attitudes, change the laws and help save lives.”

Let’s work together. It is past time. I implore each and every one of us to stop pointing fingers and assigning blame to others—whether it is our tech world, the NRA, parents, etc. Instead, let’s each take responsibility for our own part in this, and be willing to do it differently—no matter if we think we are influencing this violence or not. Let’s point only to the lens of allowing our children to grow into a healthy, safe, thriving adult-hoods and be part of productive, respectful, connected communities supporting all members’ health and well-being.

Stand up, speak out, and take real and positive

action steps today in your family, in your community, in

your profession for greater gun safety and

healthy screen technology.

 

Let’s answer the Universe by taking responsibility and action. All of us, for we are in it together. I believe it really can help create the change we desperately need.

Together we can help our children live into a healthy adulthood and our communities thrive. An excellent You Tube on what I see as the “inside-out” approach, based on relationships and connection is “How To Prevent School Shootings.”A few articles of interest regarding digital device use include “We Need to KNOW and Say NO” and “Our Children, Our Technology.”

Thank you.

Respectively and with HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

 

 

 

 

Story Time! Dancing Bears vs Dinosaur Builders…

July 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you…

A four-year-old little boy. A “toy” laptop. A library book about dinosaurs and a construction site. And me, visiting for a brief time while his dad and my husband check out some work they are doing in their house.

Out comes the laptop, on it goes, ***beep beep beep***, flashing dancing bear figures, singing the ABC’s, “talking” to Mr. Four. If you are one of my regular followers than you already know how I feel about screen technology and young children–even if it is a “toy.” So now you’ll be proud of me–I paused…

I waited and watched to see what captured Mr. Four’s attention with this “laptop.” He danced, wiggled, never really looked at the screen and the flashing images, just sort of physically reacted to it. He grinned when it said his name. He very much “showed it off” to me–“Look what I have! A laptop!” So busy looking towards ME to see how I’d react to HIM.

Now the experiment began (though I was pretty sure I knew what would happen). I reached for the dinosaur library book and began turning the pages. Quietly. Mr. Four charged right over to me, stood with legs planted firmly to the floor (where did all the wiggles go?), and began to pore over the book. We took it, page by page, with the attempt to read the story–but Mr. Four? Oh, he had other ideas.

He told ME everything that was happening, found all the funny things going on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.

He used his fingers to trace different pictures. He talked endlessly. He listened with care when I DID get to read parts of the story. When we “finished” the book he went right back to flipping the pages to find the Backhoe, the Scoop Shovel, the dinosaur with the flat bill, the favorite lunch box of the construction guys, the mustard squirting out from a sandwich…

Mr. Four was absorbed by the book.

We talked and shared and laughed. He was on his OWN time with it–deciding for himself when to turn pages, what to talk about. He was sharing HIS ideas and funny stories. We felt totally connected and wrapped up in our little world of construction sites and dinosaurs. We were discovering together.

Think about this–the contrast between the electronic device and a book.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

Mr. Four could push buttons and wiggle his body and delight in hearing the device talk to him. He had little to say about it…just sort of delighted in the entertainment of it. There may be some value in that…

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

It sparked incredible imagination. It encouraged thinking. It nurtured self-direction–a child deciding on his own what to think and do and when to do it. It was three dimensional. It was sensory and language rich–sight, touch, smell, hearing…and oh, the words and conversation it sparked!

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

And I know from many years of experience, the impact of the book ripples out in amazing ways–I remember well how my own daughters would take marker to paper and be inspired to “write” or draw their own stories…they’d take the story of the book and expand it in ways that always surprised me. Or they’d create costumes and act out the book…or become one of the characters and pretend all day long…like my eldest did when she decided she was “Skunkie” and happily “sprayed” us all day long (she was four, as well…) And then they’d pick up the book once again, snuggle down on the couch or in my lap, and want to read it all over again.

Getting lost in a good book…

I vote for the book any time. I encourage you to do the same.

Instead of handing an electronic device over to distract your child or fill their time, consider first reading them something. Or handing them a book, instead. Or a pile of books! For now you can be sure you are supporting the growth of just what you want the most–a child whose creative, imaginative, focused and engaged, self-directed and independent soul is being nurtured in rich ways. A child whose brain is growing optimally. A child who is eager to learn.

Mr. Four and I had to be done with our story, it was time for me to go. He willingly chose two more things to find in the book–with delight and eagerness–and then his silly dinosaur self wrestled me to the door to pull on all my winter gear so I could head home. What a deposit into a warm and lovely relationship. What a difference this can make.

Find Alice’s books here!

My story of contrast for you. May it encourage you to continue keeping the magic world of books up front and center in your home. May it remind you of all the healthy and positive growth possible as you, very simply, read with your child.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

MORE of What TO Do Instead of Screens

June 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I’ve come to understand many of you only know devices as the go-to solution for occupying your kids when needed. It has become the default, so as I talk about how LESS screen is much healthier, many of you struggle with just what TO do. I want to share ideas for you as you consider pausing before handing your child a digital device and considering what else you CAN do.

I feel quite lucky that when I was parenting younger kids all there was device-wise was TV (and that wasn’t all that long ago!).  There are so many things we did for our children that now is replaced by a device. All that ultimately does for many children is displace the kind of learning that can grow them in optimal ways and this makes YOUR job as a parent even harder. Those devices when over-used? They seem to make things easier in the moment…until, of course, you try to take it away or tell your child they are done 🙂 And in the long run it makes everything so much harder, for your kids aren’t learning how to manage themselves, how to BE in long lines, car rides, the post office, the grocery store, on airplanes…

Instead of learning how to control themselves, it seems the devices are doing it for them. All this says to your child is, “You need this device in order to be in control…”   Not what any of us really want in the long run–for our child to seek outside influences in order to feel in control of themselves. Think peer pressure. Unwanted sexual experiences. Drugs. Alcohol.

So what CAN you do? Oh so much! Ideas for you at home…

Have a selection of books and/or toys or other special items saved JUST for the times you need space the most. My own mother had what she called a Gift Box–and she’d go dig in it and come up with an activity book or little matchbox car…something that was new to us. Worked every time for engaging us when she needed it the most.
 
Keep about half the general collection of toys in your house put away and out of sight. This worked spectacularly for us–we could rotate toys periodically, and presto! New all over to them! Amazing how, after not seeing something for a number of weeks, a child’s play with a toy changes and re-engages them in new ways. Sort of fun to watch.
 
How about a box with a few favorite books and special toys tucked inside? A friend has one. Out comes the box just when she needs to focus on something that requires kids out of the way. The kids know this is a Special Box and is used only for Special Times…nothing in it requires adult supervision, which is key 🙂
 
Know that a toddler will be fascinated with a saucepan, spoon, a measuring cup, lid. Maybe add a bit of water for stirring. You’ll get a few extra minutes and maybe more as the play expands–and you can easily add a bit of food to mix in if desired, or a doll and washcloth, or maybe a towel spread on floor with extra cups, scoops, maybe an empty ice-cube tray and let them fill and dump to their hearts content. Need something a bit drier? Try an empty Kleenex box stuffed with just about anything and hand to your young toddler. Or a full Kleenex box to have fun pulling out the tissues one at a time… 🙂
 

Pull out the “old fashioned” telephone. I know a few little boys who LOVE to pretend to call the doctor on their old telephone…BRRRRRING! BRRRRING! Give them a crayon or pencil and a pile of sticky notes. Let the play begin. This paper and crayon or pencil? It works well while riding in the grocery cart 🙂 Remember cardboard boxes…of any and all sizes. They make fantastic play-on-your-own experiences. All you have to do is occasionally add something new inside the Box Fort–sleeping bag, flashlights, a pile of stuffed critters, a shoe box full of stickers and markers…

Know that a preschooler can take an apron and it can become a cape and OFF they’ll fly around the room...or will love being given a selection of ingredients to go mix and pour on their own–we did this. It would take me just a minute to set up a tray with bowl, spoon, and about 6 different “ingredients” such as water, oil, oatmeal, food coloring (depending on age!), vinegar, baking soda, seasonings I used rarely…and my girls would spend up to half-an-hour mixing and mixing, A “delicious recipe” for eyes and noses ONLY!

Throw a blanket over a table or across a few chairs and let your child know in a secret voice, “It’s your FORT. I wonder how many of your stuffed guys will join you in there?”  So often it is just how you say something that can capture a child’s attention and get their imagination going. Use your voice. Sing, whisper, be conspiratorial. Amazing what can happen for creating time for YOU.

What about at the grocery store, or the post-office, or in a L-O-N-G line at DMV or the airport or ANY where? What about during your dentist appointment, at the bank, or anywhere else you head with child in hand?

Ideas for you on-the-go:

***Always carry snacks. Kids get hungry and grumpy when waits are extra long. A collection of raisins and fish crackers (or whatever you choose…) can occupy their little fingers at length AND take the edge off of hunger.

***Involve your child. Have them help you find things in the grocery store, fill the bag with apples, get excited about choosing the cereal. One mama I know let her son know he could choose a toy from the toy aisle to hold during their grocery store trip, and then when finished, they would return the toy to the shelf “with all its friends” and wave good bye. My girls liked to bring their Special Guys with them–Kitty and Grand Champion (horse). They talked to them, showed them things, included them in our errands just as I included my girls.

***Be sure to do errands with your child when you DO feel patient so they can learn from a calm and present parent. The more you can do this, the less trouble you’ll have during the times you have to swing by the store following daycare pick up and a long day at work. Think about this–your child cannot learn how to BE in a bank or store or anywhere if you just hand them a digital device to occupy them.

Then as they grow, it just gets tougher and tougher, for they don’t have the ability to wait in line, to look around and talk about things, to know how to exchange money or choose stamps or mail a package or count down until your number is called…

***Instead of plunking your child in front of the child’s TV in the bank (I really do not like how more institutions are supplying screens for children, rather than a pile of books…and yes, I say something to the managers quite regularly!), carry them on up to the counter, talk to them about what the teller is doing, let them hand over the check, let them receive the receipt. Name all the interesting things around–“He has a much BIGGER computer than ours at home.” “Look! Type type type and then whir whir whir and out comes our receipt!” “Would you like to show the teller what we brought to the bank for her to take care of?” There is SO much learning to be done when we choose to involve our kids in our day to day tasks and errands…

***Instead of trying extra hard to keep your child still and quiet in that long line in the post office, consider letting them explore a bit. Perhaps let them look through the display windows at all the colorful stamps; maybe play a bit of I Spy with them. Let them hold the letters or package to be mailed. Sing quietly to them. We found singing to work wonders in so many situations. Again, talk about all the things you see. Show them how to take Flat Rate Boxes off the shelf and then slide them back on again. Let them look at the cards for sale–show them how to be gentle, to slide them back where they belong. INVOLVE your children.

***In the back seat of the car have books and a few other favorite small items available. Engage them out the window. Find the back hoe, the raven on the telephone wire, the firetruck whizzing by. Again, sing. Or play music or an audio book. As they get older, give them car-games to play like finding all the letters of the alphabet as they pass by signs or as many different license plates as possible. Keeping track of finding each state’s license plate if you live in the USA is lots of fun for kids of many ages.

These are just some of the endless number of ideas I and others have that I encourage you to try FIRST, prior to handing your child a device. Save those for special times–for when you have absolutely NO patience or where-with-all left. Now they don’t interrupt healthy development, for they are used rarely. Like TV for us. We kept it to 30 minutes a day–and often never watched any. My girls sometimes “saved up” their minutes to watch more on other days…those days when I needed it the most 🙂

Find Alice’s books here!
Share what works in your family as you move through your busy days without defaulting to screens very often. No one has to re-invent the wheel as they scramble for ways to occupy their child, or ways to involve their child. Let’s share what works and encourage each other! It really does take a village to support a parent so they can parent well.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam

Keeping Our Children Safe

June 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Consider these…

Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.

Whew! Quick! If you haven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.

And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!

Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.

  Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!

Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…

…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.

We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.

Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…

***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…

***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?

***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂  When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.

Or maybe just have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.

***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.

***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.

***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

 

Find Alice’s books here!

Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.

With HOPE and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

 

 

 

 

A Call for Dignity

May 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

THIS is a call to action.

And I need your help.

I find myself increasingly tired. Feeling discouraged and worried. Even DONE.

Tired of holding up the half-full cup and looking for and sharing joy and appreciation and the evidence that things are changing in life-affirming ways around us. Discouraged by what often seems a lack of real change even though I know real change takes the respect of time. Worried, too. Worried as it seems the world around us is spiraling down faster and faster into the abyss that our use of technology seems to be causing.

DONE with how all of it is allowing us to fall into a lifestyle of reactivity that often translates to unhealthy, unkind, disrespectful words and actions.

It seems to me we are experiencing a profound loss of dignity in so many areas. Human caused; technology driven.

 

If our use of all things digital allows us and our children to spin to such depths, exposes us at length to both emotionally and physically harmful things, allows us to say and do things so unkind, so disrespecftul, then ENOUGH. We can and MUST do better. Our children are counting on us. Our world needs us to. Each one of our friends, neighbors, schools, communities, etal, rely on every single one of us to do better.

I KNOW we can become clear on what kind of place (or maybe no place) we want digital devices to have in our child’s life. This includes age appropriate boundaries, clear intention, developmentally appropriate uses, understanding what does help grow healthy children and build healthy relationships. For all things digital is here to stay and we need to figure this out. NOW.

I KNOW we adults can say NO to inappropriate use; role model appropriate use; be intentional with how to and when to introduce anything digital; teach children age-appropriate safety around all of it. We need to. Right now. It begins with all of us pausing, considering, educating ourselves, then being intentional with the steps we take–for ourselves and our children. And no, it’ll never be perfect, but it sure can be better and healthier.   

I KNOW we can recognize that opening the Pandora’s Box of the Digital World too soon for our kids can lead to both us and our children feeling out of control and overwhelmed. Many of us experience that already. Easy, at times, to just ignore it all and let it keep spinning out of control. Until we experience a loss that may be hard to overcome.

A loss such as our dignity.

I KNOW we can see how, as we either unwittingly or under pressure succumb to “what everyone else is doing,” or feeling an increasing need to be constantly connected, or trying to calm OUR anxiety over our child not being fully connected socially or totally adept at all things digital ASAP, we are actually undermining so much of what makes us healthy, our relationships healthy. What in the world are we doing?

I am increasingly discouraged by…

…the enormity of trying to find what works to educate, empower, or just merely encourage parents as they do the very important job of parenting well and positively and health-fully. And this very much includes becoming aware of how our digital device use is influencing our lives–both positively and negatively. In relationship-building and relationship-depleting ways.

…hearing of and seeing an increasing amount of sexting, social media bullying, anxiety issues and depression among even our youngest students.

…the reality that many people continue to interact so disrespectfully to their children, to each other, to their animals, to themselves. Sometimes purposefully, but more often because they just are unaware of the impact of their actions. And it is this lack of awareness that concerns me and seems to be amplified by our being engulfed by all things digital.

…the increasing number of kids receiving smart phones long before they need one or are developmentally ready to manage them. Somehow we are all on the same page about driving at 16–or older–but cannot seem to get a handle on when our kids should have the world at their fingertips.

…the speed and pressure we allow our culture to impose on us. Faster, better, more, sooner RARELY makes for healthy, centered, strong, connected relationships and living well. Rarely.

…what feels like the lack of ACTION despite all that I KNOW we are aware of and feel.

…championing all things appreciative, joyful, connected, healthy, relationship building, affirming, calm, pause-filled…yet continuing to see how many are caught up in just the opposite.

I find myself tired, discouraged, truly concerned and at times DONE. It is the fairly constant stories of yet another child devastated over, say, sexting and photos being shared all around school or the violence that ends up harming and killing students or the overwhelming anxiety so many of our teens are feeling that has me feeling like throwing in the towel.

It is seeing how the current political discourse that social media and digital device use has amplified (remember my mantra of What You Focus on Grows?) has spiraled us into depths many of us were unaware existed, or ever believed we’d actually experience ever in our lives. Ugly. So much of it.

It is time to take charge of our digital choices and take

back our dignity, living our lives with respect, kindness, and integrity through and through.

 

I am eternally grateful for my friend and colleague, Rhonda Moskowitz of Practical Solutions Parent Coaching who CAN make sense of all of this and actually step in and help parents already overwhelmed with all things digital and smart phones with their children. Thank goodness for her.

Thank goodness for Rachel Stafford of The Hands Free Revolution whose work always inspires the joy of simplicity.

Thank goodness for Janet Lansbury who continually champions RESPECT for our youngest that ripples up all the way to our eldest.

Thank goodness for The Children’s Screen Time Action Network and all the parents, educators, and other professionals and advocates who have joined together, working hard to promote a healthy childhood for all children through the necessary management of our technology use.

Thank goodness for L. R. Knost of Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources whose personal journey she shares with such honest and gentle passion, always speaking of the loving connection our children and each of us need the most in order to thrive. True dignity in the face of one of life’s ultimate challenges.

Thank goodness for the many others out there of whom I could spend all day listing that are making a real difference. Today I pass the torch to them, for I am discouraged, worried, even exhausted by it all and could use a bit of lifting, myself. What we focus on grows–help me help YOU to focus on all that is life affirming, appreciative, and JOY-filled. Share with me something joyful. Something you are doing more of or differently that lifts you. Something you have discovered is working well for you and your children. 

MOST importantly, share with me a step YOU are taking to take charge of your digital choices and devices. Will you…

 

…have an intentional conversation with your children about technology–including safety issues, inappropriate marketing, it’s impact on their health and development?

…remove apps from your phone that distract and detract from your relationships and daily life?

…contact your school administrations and request HEALTHY use of technology in our schools? Follow up as needed with sharing pertinent research that can be easily found via sources such as www.screentimenetwork.org?

…practice a PAUSE as you find yourself wanting to react to, tweet, share, comment, post on all things challenging within our political world, and instead respond–respectfully and clearly–about the importance of DIGNITY, integrity, and respect among all our leaders; all of us; all our communities? Our children are watching and learning from all of us.

…connect with other parents to encourage each other as you explore and create the healthy boundaries and balance our children need with digital devices? Together, as a “village”, you can truly feel empowered.

…preserve all meal times as screen-free times, reclaim conversation and listening skills, and discover a growing and deeper connection with your family members? Now you can live, right there at the dinner table, the dignity, respect, kindness we all want more of in our world…and this will naturally extend into all areas of your life, impacting others all around you.

Find Alice’s books here!

THIS is a call to action.

Share with me how YOU are working at changing the course of our lives and world by actions YOU are taking. It is time.

Respectfully and gratefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

It’s All About Relationship

May 14, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

We are overwhelmed when it comes to managing, balancing, understanding our children’s online exposure. And we are very, very worried. Exasperated, too. Throwing in the towel, looking the other way, or rolling up our sleeves and diving in–probably with a lot of emotional reactivity involved. Because we are overwhelmed.

It’s one thing to limit device time. But what about all the rabbit trails, inappropriate and scary trails our children are exposed to as they, perhaps purposefully or accidentally view, say, porn or a really scary video clip, step into social media bullying, or a You Tube that really was never meant for them?

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

We can go round and round about Apps for security, turning off wifi, controlling everything our children do, blocking this, blocking that, spend hours learning about how to block this and block that. Then find out our child got involved in unhealthy online activity at a friends house, or on the playground, or at lunch with buddies, or as they scrolled through their Smart Phone in the backseat of the car. No wonder we are overwhelmed.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

Here’s the deal. No matter the extent to which you find ways to control, limit, balance all things digital and the rabbit trails awaiting any of us as we go online, it’s going to happen. Our children ARE going to be exposed to less than wonderful things. They ARE going to get upset, scared, hurt. In some ways, this has always been a part of growing, prior to being engulfed by screens. It is different now, though, for the engulfment has opened up the world and our children really aren’t developmentally READY for all of that. And it is nearly impossible to be the filter for it all that we’d like to be.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

 

They need to KNOW we will be right there, alongside them, listening, exploring, helping them process their feelings in healthy ways. Not punishing. Not yelling. Not hiding under the covers. Not grabbing their device and refusing to ever let them on it again.

Instead, we need to be WITH them. Listening. Sharing our concerns, as well. Sharing what we know and see and understand about too much too soon. Brainstorming what can help, what they feel they need and want to do. Be there. Calmly. Respectfully. Connected.

THIS is how children can take the overwhelming confusion and perhaps fear and (eventually) move through it in healthy ways. It doesn’t take away what they were exposed to, but with YOU as the safe, secure, compassionate resource for them, they can more likely do the processing and letting go necessary to move forward.

Any challenges in life, when dealt with within a healthy, close, loving relationship can be better navigated and more likely in the healthy ways we want the most. How WE decide to be as our child struggles is where we can influence our relationships.

We can…

…Focus first on ourselves, PAUSE (deep breath? A bit of time?), calm down our anxiety as much as possible, consider just what you really want (beyond all of this to go away!) for your child, your relationship, and THEN step back in and respond to your child. It really does make a difference, even when you find yourself doing or saying things you wish you could  back track on; have a do-over for. Just the fact they are being said from a calmer, more respectful place keeps you more likely connected to your child in relationship-building ways.

…Listen, first and foremost following your PAUSE. “Tell me more” is a great way to begin your listening. Affirm their feelings. Ask them questions. Explore together what you (and they) are learning about online activity, screen use, its impact on our well-being. Consider steps you can take. Try out ones your child suggests. Be gently firm with your “no” when you need to say NO. Remember, you are the parent and saying NO is necessary at times to help your child figure out more about who s/he is.

...Take a look around your home environment and be sure exposure to devices and online activity reflects what you truly want for your child. This means taking a careful look at how you use devices, too. Our children are watching.

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

…Talk to other parents! Build your community of families who are also working hard at creating a healthy emotional and physical environment for their children–I’ve met many who have connected with parents of their kids’ friends, shared concerns, swapped ideas, and ultimately worked together to send the same messages to all their children–and it changes how those children then connect, play, live. Support is essential.

…Re-discover all your children CAN do instead of defaulting to screens. Ideas include all kinds of arts and crafts (simple and complex), beading, painting, playing music, disappearing into their room to re-organize and sort, listening to audio books, reading, redecorating their rooms, make cards and write letters, BAKE–hand a school aged child a cookbook and say GO, knit, crochet, build things, go OUTSIDE, bike, build forts, play cards, play games–board and outdoor ones, sit and daydream, pull out the Lego box…so MANY things can be done besides handing them your phone to entertain them. Yes, even in the car.

…Notice when you feel really good about your relationship with your child–those times that leave you smiling, feeling a full heart, delighting in time spent, knowing without a doubt you’ve connected with your child in a meaningful way. Notice. What we focus on grows–so let your noticing of these times encourage you to do MORE of whatever you’ve discovered about those times.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

 

Find Alice’s books here!

This is the magic of TRUST. When your child can trust that you will be there to help her navigate all things in life in a calm and connected way, you now are more likely to find balancing and managing all things screens to be way less overwhelming. For everything you do will be run through the filter of RELATIONSHIP and your child will more likely make healthier, more productive, often way more FUN choices in life.

Because they have YOU.

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

 

Alone Together

May 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Alone Together.  “In the age of screens, families are spending more time ‘alone together.'”

Sounds good in some ways, doesn’t it? Alone Together out in the woods. Around a campfire. Day-dreaming alongside each other. Maybe meandering on a quiet walk, both lost in your own thoughts. Or hanging out in the living room all doing something different and yet, together.

Alone Together with Technology means something entirely different….as Sherry Turkle says (a professor at MIT):

“…“alone together” (labels) our heightened disconnection, which she said has resulted in kids not knowing how to empathize with each other or communicate effectively. “Across generations, technology is implicated in this assault on empathy,” she wrote in the New York Times. “We’ve gotten used to being connected all the time, but we have found ways around conversation—at least from conversation that is open-ended and spontaneous, in which we play with ideas and allow ourselves to be fully present and vulnerable.”

THIS is what I see, hear, and experience. THIS is why I write what I do for each of you as you work at understanding and intentionally changing how you use digital devices; how you recognize what is essential in building healthy relationships and growing healthy children.

This Alone Together creates dis-connection more often than not.

It interrupts real time, in person connection. It definitely can cause more angst on many levels–from being irritated with each other, to depression in our teens and young adults.

It certainly displaces the development of creativity and imagination, focused attention (though isn’t that funny, how focused our kids and ourselves can be on our devices…and yet, this in itself creates the inability to stay focused at length on conversations with another, a lesson in school, getting lost in a good book, being able to truly immerse ourselves in something hands-on and in real time).

It challenges physical development as our kids sit too much, are passively engaged with a device. It displaces language development, critical thinking skills–something we are in desperate need of more than ever as we are faced with an onslaught of “fake news” where-ever we turn. We need to be able to hone and use our critical thinking skills to navigate life.

And EMPATHY. It displaces the ability to empathize, for empathy takes the development of deep connection which spurs on compassion and understanding of another. It encourages acceptance, love, forgiveness. Empathy. It is essential.

And YES, time on devices CAN become a part of healthy development and it requires our own education of what it all means, our understanding of its impact, our role-modeling, our intentional selves getting clear about just how best to integrate these tools into our lives in ways that are relationship-building.

Interested in learning more? Explore these links to my writing that may help and lead you to other resources. Check them out if you ‘d like. They include “What TO do instead of a screen?,” “Our Children, Our Technology“, “Digital Wellness in the Age of Distraction”, “Our Children NEED Us”, “We Need to Know and Say NO”, “Connection vs Disconnection.”

And now go be Together Together. Fully present to whomever you are with. FULLY. It is essential for all of us to live well, to thrive.

Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for resources, community, and more!

Respectfully and hopefully,

Find Alice’s books here!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

What TO do instead of a screen?

April 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally. 

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…   

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago, the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done.  Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

Find Alice’s books here!

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

Our Children, Our Technology

March 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

“How can we think our pre-teens and teens can handle it any better? I mean, surely we don’t think, because they can navigate the technology itself better than adults, this means they can fully manage its usage, and its effects on their psyches, their relationships, their self-worth?”  (Hal Runkel, screamfree)

Okay–I’m going up on that soapbox of mine (consider yourself warned!) and I invite you to step up alongside.

How we intend for our future teens and adults to manage their world begins with our little ones. This now includes a tremendous amount of technology–and is directly influenced by OUR use of technology. What we role-model from infancy on is crucial.

It really does begin with us. So…consider this:

A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.

When we interact with phone in hand, we are distracted at best. What does our baby “hear”? That caring for another means choosing to be interrupted, less present, our attention divided by choice. That what they need the most to grow in a healthy way is secondary to tending to our phones, texts, Face book, tweets, snapchats, instagram, you name it.

Now baby has to work harder at getting her needs met, leading to being even more fussy, unsettled, ultimately stressed-–and this interrupts healthy growth. Not what any of us intend…nor want as it just makes our job even harder.

Know that a toddler or preschooler will copy EVERY thing you do.

As you grab your phone to talk or text while driving, or eating, or out meandering through the park with them, or bathing them, or in the midst of reading books with them they learn oh-so-much about what we deem is most important in life. That being distracted and tending to digital devices rather than being present to all the richness of the world around us, to the people we are with is how we are supposed to be in this world.

No matter how hard we try to “hide” our use (sort of like those Christmas gifts we try to sneak onto the grocery cart thinking they aren’t noticing …), they see it–clearly–and are constantly filing it away in their brains as how to live and be in this world. And as with our babies, their need for a tuned in and responsive caregiver goes unmet–and you can count on behavior to ramp up . And no, this soap box moment is not about never using our phones. It is about becoming intentional with our use…fully present to whatever we are doing.

Never think an elementary child will miss the fact… 

…that you are distracted by your phone when you pick them up from school tossing a “How was your day, sweetie?” over your shoulder as you text away in the front seat. And then you wonder why they ignore you, or drive you nuts trying to get your attention, or just generally act up and make the transition from school to home totally unpleasant.  

OR discover, because they, too, have a device that gets them on line, how they can “interact” with all kinds of people without you even knowing they are. And then share things that would truly disappoint and even scare you. Because they can…and they don’t have the brain growth to know that they shouldn’t. Heck, what they see you do is what they think they are doing, therefore it must be okay, right?

Never think a TEEN, with a brand new drivers license…

…will decide to safely manage their phone (aka OFF or silenced and out of reach) as they navigate streets and highways just because you’ve always said what NOT to do yet rarely followed through with it yourself. Remember back when they were little and you were busily talking or texting while driving? They haven’t forgotten. Or you might find they decide that what is most important is to get lost on their screens to the point of no connection with you at all. Or take what they did as elementary students “playing around” with somewhat unhealthy on-line interactions and evolve them into what can become truly dangerous “connections.” In real time and in-person. Or the anxiety and depression that comes as teens get totally lost in all things screens to the cost of all their relationships. All very scary.

Maybe it stirs up too much anxiety for you as you consider stepping away from your phone or device.

That’s okay. Any change in our life can stir up anxiety. Taking it in small steps for short amounts of time can help. And I guarantee, over time with your commitment, you will discover things to feel oh-so-much-better.

Try it in little ways…

…commit to reading one more book to your child before answering the text you know just came in.

…try tucking your phone into your purse AND on silent while greeting your child from school or daycare.

…put your phone away as you eat lunch with your child.

…declare dinner times digital free times and slide all devices into a drawer and out of sight.

…take a paper list into the store and leave your phone in your car.

…take a real camera on your next adventure instead of using your cell phone.

…commit to finishing whatever chore or game or conversation you are in the midst of before taking a look at your phone.

Find Alice’s books here!

That’s all. Just a few minutes at a time. What a difference it can make as you give your child your full, un-distracted attention. And then, when it is time to get back to your phone? Let your child know. And give your phone your full attention. What a way to strengthen YOUR intent on all things balanced and healthy. What a way to role-model living and relating well.

Let’s get better at managing our devices in healthy ways. You, your children, and our world deserve this.

Okay. Stepping off the soap box…thank you for listening. Hoping you’ll take action!

With respect and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

What Happens to Childhood?

March 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

What happens to childhood when we are constantly

filming (and posting) our kids’ every antic?

I so appreciate this article: Their Tube: When every moment of childhood can be recorded and shared, what happens to childhood?

Aside from the marketing directed at kids (something very disturbing and deserves real scrutiny and discretion), this is a trend I believe can have real negative repercussions when done as a way of life. And YES it is also completely understandable because we truly love watching our kids and all their antics and want to share with friends and family so they won’t miss out…and yet…  

I think so much can be lost. Here’s why:

~ It means we, the adults–instead of simply observing (and soaking it up!)–are distracted by OUR screen as we work at filming our kids, and often taking time to then share on social media. When this is our norm–filming everything–our attention to our device rather than being fully present to our child can communicate to our kids that it is the device and “all those out there” that are most important. Probably not what any of us intend.

~ It means our children are more focused “out there.” Focused on all those potential viewers OR on just seeing themselves doing something “on camera.” Which, by the way, IS totally fun–yet when it’s the norm, their play is getting constantly interrupted and directed less by what they like, feel, imagine, create and way more by how those “out there” may respond, may like, may want.

In order to grow well, our kids need lots of

time and opportunity to tune into their feelings, ideas, thoughts, how their body feels–discovering who THEY are as individuals, rather than who they think they need to be for the attention and “likes” and accolades of online life.

 

~ Our kids are distracted. Instead of getting lost in their play, in their own imagination and ideas; instead of staying focused at length (so very very necessary for all things learning and success through life), they are constantly stopping their play to “watch themselves” or check the “likes”, or seeing if they are doing what it is they saw another doing on-line in just the “right way.” They are constantly interrupting their own thought process to check in on “out there.” What a way to undermine exactly what is needed to learn–ability to focus and attend at LENGTH. To imagine. To create. To fire from the inside-out.

~ Our kids are more caught up in “staging” their play (or copying another’s idea) rather than getting lost in their OWN ideas and feeling good about them. Our kids are learning their self-worth depends on the attention they get from “out there” rather than from the inside-out–something we want to avoid, especially as we think about those teen years and how important it is for our teens to feel their self-worth comes from inside themselves rather than turning to peers for constant approval. Especially when those peers are pushing for sex or drugs or alcohol.

PAUSE today. Consider stepping

away from filming and recording. Try observing in”real time”

for a while. Give your children the opportunity to just

be themselves FOR themselves.

 

What a way to communicate confidence in who they are; that they are important and valued as they are. Encourage lengthy play time to be creative and imaginative.

And when you do quietly record them? Make it special. A treat. Then put your phone away and let them get on with their play. And just think! Now you have a story to share with friends and family, rather than a video. And stories? They can be rich and meaningful when shared. Talk about using OUR imagination, too!  

Childhood is meant for this. To play, explore, do a child’s work--without needing constant attention and what they see as “approval” from all those viewers “out there.” Or to get all their ideas from another.

Go play today! Un-distracted. Creatively. At length. And enjoy. What a gift to your children AND to their childhood.

 

Find Alice’s books here!

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody? 

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.   

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning.  All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life.  And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols. 

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung. 

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned.  And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights. 

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination.  How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

Find Alice’s books here!

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

It is Time to Demand Excellence

September 28, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Instead of “What’s wrong with ME” why not ask

what’s wrong with our culture? Or hopefully, what is RIGHT

that we can be sure to fuel and grow?

I ask this, following a heartfelt conversation with a young woman wondering, confused, even worried that something is wrong with HER that she doesn’t “feel” the attraction she thinks she is supposed to when a fellow kisses her.

You see, things really are much the same as they were 35 or so years ago when I was a teen and college student. The fairly constant message then (and now) was, “What makes you a person of value is how attractive you are to the opposite sex.” Or the same sex. No matter. “Luckily” all the media-driven influence on our culture was limited to television and print when I navigated it.

Now, we are engulfed.

And even the young women who grow up feeling and knowing their inner strength, find themselves doubting. Worried. Thinking something is wrong with them that, following one or two dates, they just aren’t FEELING the attraction the fellow is bestowing on them. Maybe “just” through a kiss…but a kiss? It is intimate. And when it is too soon or with the wrong person, you aren’t going to “feel it.” No matter what every single screen oriented ANY thing tells you. No matter that every show you watch and music video played and latest popular book read and sign you see and words heard tell you. And yet our young women–even the strong ones–find themselves thinking THEY are “wrong.” No no no. It is our media/tech-driven culture that has magnified all of this and engulfed us.

No wonder our young women are confused. Worried. Anxious. And I am most certain many of our young men are, as well. The pressure on them to be a certain way, as determined by the media and tech world, has become equally intense and unhealthy.

We need to do better. Much, much better. Way beyond all the work each of us are doing within our own families.

We need to push back on our media and tech driven culture and be loud, consistent, and constant about demanding better. Or rather, demanding excellence. We need to be clear so they can be clear, too. Both the media AND our children.

 

And we need to be clear for ourselves.

We need to know, without a doubt, the kind of future adults we hope our children will grow into.

We need to know clearly what we are role modeling–and be intentional in doing more of what we see is healthy and right for our kids.

We need to empower our children from early on by understanding and affirming their feelings, focusing on their strengths and abilities rather than falling into the “good girl” and “good job” trap, or the “it’s my job to make you feel a certain way” trap.

We need to foster relationships that will have our eventual teen or adult wanting to turn to us as a resource.

We need to take responsibility for ourselves and all that we say and do so our children can do the same.

And we need to let all sources of our media and tech driven culture that undermines the health of our children (and us) know, without a doubt, we demand better. We want excellence.

What we focus on grows. Let’s look to the excellence. Let’s find it and appreciate it and live it.

Let’s help these young women and men feel strong from the inside out and know, without a doubt, that they are exactly right and okay just as they are. That their feelings are honored, and they can feel confident in respecting just this–how they feel.

Let’s help these young men and women know that we are a strong resource they can count on when those doubts and worries do worm their way in, for they will. And let’s help them each know that we have confidence in their ability to manage those doubts and worries, for they ARE strong, from the inside out, despite those doubts and worries. Or maybe, because of them.

Let’s take full responsibility for our individual roles in creating and perpetuating the very culture we are living in and let’s do so by taking the necessary, intentional, and thoughtful action steps towards the excellence we demand.

Let’s live the respect, care, and compassion we want our children to feel and grow into.

Here’s to the young woman who felt safe enough with me to share her feelings. And here’s to each of you working hard at growing future adults strong and clear from the inside out.

Find Alice’s books here!

And here’s to asking for, finding, and living the excellence–no matter what the media and tech world portrays.

Thank you for listening…

Alice

Our Children NEED Us

June 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Warning–I’m stepping up on a soap box, here–and would like to make room for you to stand beside me. (If you are a parent of a baby, this absolutely pertains to you, as well…this is where it all begins and can be changed).

It is past time to get serious.

I, and many, many others (professionals and parents alike) are hearing how incredibly HARD and overwhelming and confusing all things SCREENS has become.

We are caught between “My kids are growing up in this tech world and have to learn how to live and work in it–hence, I’m going to let him have access to all things digital”…

To…

“I just don’t know what to DO. My child won’t listen, come to the table, stop playing on his device, is often testy and even angry, and I just feel LOST in how to GET HIM TO STOP”

To…

“I’m very, very frightened.”

This, from many, MANY parents of teens (12 on up) who are depressed, anxious, suicidal. Who are addicted, lost, shut out of the family, unable to connect with others, irritable at best, suicidal at worst. The numbers have gone rocketing skyward this past decade…just as our digital device and screen use has, as well. Lots of research on this one.

This is our culture and lives as we immerse ourselves ever deeper into digital devices. We have bought into what all the makers of all things digital are feeding us. That we NEED this. And yet, not only are they the ones keeping their own children away from them, they are also the ones saying they develop these in such a way to BE addicting. That way we do need them. And we spend our money, immerse ourselves deeper, and then our need becomes addiction. Many of us have felt this pull.

Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.

We are losing our kids to all of this, too.  

And many of our schools (even as teachers are expressing real concern and discontent over this) are buying into it fully. Screens are all the way down into Kindergarten, and many preschools as well. Families are handing their infants and toddlers their phone to play on…an iPad to sit in front of…remember that iPotty that was marketed for awhile? Scary.

Middle and High schools are wanting kids to bring in their smart phones–ostensibly for using as part of their classroom work–and yet, what do we know about this age group? Far more interested in peers…and this takes them to social media, porn, all things centered around what matters most to them–friends and sex and independence (from us).

What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?

Research for decades has shown “hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences” to be. Not sitting in front of screens at length. (And yes, screen use within a rich and diverse curriculum is an entirely different story yet a seldom heard one–probably because they become the emphasis rather than just a part).

What to do?

ASK your schools HOW they know screens are the way children learn best.  Find out what they’ve noticed as a result of incorporating screens. Talk to the teachers (many of whom are equally concerned and frustrated).  Ask them to SHOW you the research they are basing all this on. There is plenty of research to show otherwise.

ASK yourself how YOUR use of your phone or other devices is truly helping you build connected, respectful relationships with your children. Oh heck–with your SELF.

ASK yourself just what you want the most as you think to the future with your children–what kind of family life, what kind of relationships, what kind of LEARNER do you want to send out into the world? Then think about right now. What are you doing to support just what you hope for. What MORE can you do? And how much of it is about managing your own screen time so your children can learn to manage theirs?

ASK yourself what you need for yourself that you can stand strong and clear in saying NO to your child begging for a smart phone. NO to “but everyone else is doing it, mom!” NO to distracted interactions. NO to “just one more text, post, movie, You Tube, video game…”

Our children need us.

To feel empowered to stand for what, in our gut, we know is right and good and all things growth oriented.

To go to the teachers, schools, administrators, and any one else you can and tell them NO to all things screens in your schools. 

To educate yourself on just what best practices and developmentally appropriate means for each age and stage.

To stand for the kind of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based learning environments kids do best in.

To go to EACH OTHER and support, encourage, talk. It’s going to take a serious village to get a handle on our screen use so we CAN grow in healthy ways. We need each other.

It’s going to take a village to stand up to the makers of all things tech/digital/screen and say NO we don’t NEED this in order to live and be well. That designing things in such a way they become addicting is NEVER okay.

We have to work hard at swinging our culture towards healthy living, relating, growing, thriving. It is going to take YOU. Starting today and becoming clear and intentional about what is important for you and your family. And then being the parent and standing for it. Strongly.

No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.

There is plenty of help for you. There are plenty of others walking your path. Join them. Be vocal. Share your own struggles. Come up with small steps towards balance with all things screens.

Want to explore more? Check out the Children’s Screen Time Network. Check out the link to their conference. Lots of info waiting for you there. Check out their resources. Amazing. Take a look at an article I wrote We Need to KNOW and Say NO

Let’s get the conversation and then the action going. Share right here, share on my Facebook page. Share your questions, concerns, what IS working.

Let’s help everyone become more aware and educated on what is happening, with the hope being all of you just starting out on your parenting journey will begin today, with your baby, to choose actions that strengthen connection, respect, healthy growth and development.

Okay. I’m stepping to the side of my soap box. Making room for YOU to stand alongside me. 

Find Alice’s books here!

Our children need us.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

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