self-regulate

Tag: self-regulate

What TO Do Instead of a Screen?

June 20, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 4 Comments

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago (okay, maybe 20 or 25…), the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done. Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. A valuable resource for you is the Children’s ScreenTime Network. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

“I can’t DO it!”

June 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

In my care a four, seven, and thirteen year old. The two older ones at the table, totally focused on homework and projects. The 4-year-old–Mr. N I’ll call him–immersed in Lego on the floor. Me? Preparing after-school snacks.

Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:

“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.

Me: “You sound frustrated!”

Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.

Me: “Can I help?

Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”

And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity

Okay…so here is where we all find ourselves at some point in our parenting journey–and most likely quite often, depending on age and stage of kids. Here is where I’d like to say how calm and matter-of-fact I felt as I let Mr. N know it is time to take a break and calm down. This is where I’d like to tell you how easily he complied by gathering himself up and snuggling on the couch and quickly pulling himself together to go try again.

I’d like to be able to say that. But the reality? It looked a bit different. I felt my temperature rise…the words going through my head: “Argh! Mr. N is doing it again! Throwing a tantrum over the littlest thing! And the other two kids are trying to work. When is he going to learn? How can I get him to STOP????”

I did have the where-with-all to act-as-if I felt calm and matter of fact. It helped that I had a 7 and 13-year-old watching me intently, and role modeling for them was important to me. Take whatever works to (pretend to) do it well! I do believe that really was my first PAUSE.

Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:

“Mr N, you are having a hard time. Your screaming is making it difficult for the girls to do their work. Time to go downstairs until you are calmer and ready to try again.” Sounds good, right? It was–even if I did feel angry, myself. Self-control–a strength!

Mr N had no ability to pick himself up and head downstairs–too busy wailing and flailing. I picked him up working hard at containing MY anger. Thank goodness for the two sets of eyes watching my every move–another PAUSE of sorts. Off we went down to his room in my house screaming away. I plunked him down and said, “When you have calmed down, we can try again.”

And here is where I can honestly say I did well.

Mr N is screaming and flailing and I found myself sitting sideways in the doorway. I knew from previous experiences that closing the door just added to the turmoil via kicking…and I knew for certain my visible nearness helped him feel connected–even in the midst of doing anything he could to push me away. Connection is key.

I sat myself down and averted my eyes. I kept Mr N company–quietly and respectfully. I stayed connected and available. I paused. Okay, so I plugged my ears for awhile, as well. And breathed. And wished for him to calm down SOON so we could move on…

Thirty minutes later (yes, thirty minutes–I had quite the time to PAUSE in that doorway!) as his screams had turned to sobs, I found I could interject (you know, in-between sobs when they try to catch their breath?) “I hear you are working at calming down. When you are ready, we can head back upstairs and try again.” Mr N knew he could have my lap if he wanted (he didn’t), he knew I wouldn’t leave…and I respected his choice to pull himself together ‘on his own.’

Then something magic happened.

Truly magic. Down the stairs came my kitty cat–“Mew, mew, mew.” I swear to you, she came down to check on Mr N and all the commotion–she really was! And I used it: “Yoda kitty! You are worried about Mr N! You are here to see how you can help.” And I picked up my fuzzy little kitty and plunked her in the room with my sobbing little friend. Mr N wrapped his arms around Yoda kitty (Yoda was not one to be snuggled, yet this time? She obliged..) and breathed in her soft fur.

Mr N, “Yoda, I love you. Yoda, I’m sad. Oh, Yoda…” And he totally calmed down. Within a minute or so he said, “I’m ready to go upstairs!” I said, “You worked hard at calming yourself down and Yoda kitty came to help!” Off we went, Lego plane was gathered up and re-built, snacks were had, and all was peaceful. Really!

Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?

Acting as if. Having other eyes a-watching me. Knowing that Mr N needed time and space to gather himself and respecting his way of working through it all. Staying near and available. Pausing–maybe not initially, but in the end, my staying near Mr N gave me the gift of a pause so I really could feel calm. And in turn, this gave Mr N the PAUSE he needed to feel the same. Kitty cat included.

There’s my story for you. One of many. Maybe I’ll share the 13-year-old tantrum of my daughter’s another day. Really, this is a journey we are all on–it is meant for our growth as much as it is our children’s. Respect this. Welcome every challenge and conflict as an opportunity to become a better you. Always appreciate the parts that ARE working for you–for what we focus on grows. Know you have lots of good company along this journey as a parent!

Me? I am forever grateful to Yoda kitty. She has managed to change the tune of many upset moments. Mine as well as others! Mr N? He is now 12 and builds incredible Lego planes–he shared the fleet of planes he created recently. You know what he said? “Alice, I don’t care if they look just right anymore. Look what I built, just for fun!” And he was glowing.

That made all the past tantrums worth it. More about tantrums here: Tantrums! Loud, Giant, Frustrating…

Here’s to more peace in your household!

Enjoy.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

When BIG Feelings Erupt: Story Time!

May 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

You know those LOUD, often whiny or disrespectful tones of voices, the mad and sad and over-the-top glad that has you feeling exhausted, frustrated, equally mad and sad and over-the-top glad? The BIG feelings you just wish would go away?

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Her story–just one example of what seemed to fill her days–was how her son the other day FLIPPED OUT over thinking he wouldn’t get the treat promised him because the coffee shop they went to for the treat only had one left and his younger sister loudly proclaimed “It’s MINE!”

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Talking together had us walking through a do-over (essential for practicing and strengthening yourself), with calm connection and feeling content leading the way. Mom began thinking about what she could do the next time an eruption occurred (possibly not long after we finished our conversation…).

She was clear that she wanted to respectfully help her son learn to manage his feelings–always what big feelings gives us the opportunity for, guiding our kids in such a way they can learn more about how to express all the feelings that pour out of them.

Here’s what she realized:

…PAUSE, first and foremost, and breathe. Think, “calm connection” and “I have an opportunity to help him through this respectfully…” Encouraging self-talk is a strength to rely on. It makes a difference.

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

…Ask questions, “Ahhh. I see there is only one treat left here…I get it. There are TWO of you–and boy, your sister sounds like she really, really wants it all to herself! Hmmm…do you guys have some ideas for figuring this out?”

...Give a clear framework, “What a good idea, you two can split it (or we can head to another coffee shop). When you are feeling calmer and ready to use your regular tone of voice, we will do this!”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

And believe it or not, that initial embarrassment over a public fit? It dissipates. Your focus is on yourself and your child rather than all the eyes you initially felt were upon you, connection is encouraged and often maintained, and you can feel good and proud of yourself for how you handled it all.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

This mom? She took herself through this mental do-over with a great big AHA feeling all the way through. This she knows she can do, for she has done it many times before…it just takes practice and a pause. She knows how her son responds so much better when she is calm, clear, and connected. She has seen how naming and affirming feelings goes a long way for her son to feel relieved, heard, and more in control of himself. And she knows, because she has ‘been there,’ that she CAN stay calm even if her son still decides to flip out.

What a difference that can make.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

That Scary Vacuum Cleaner

April 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

To be allowed to finish your cry…

How essential for all things relationship-building. Something I wrote earlier after being inspired by Teacher Tom‘s article. Go check that out right here. There’s a story to share, to give more attention to, hence creating an article just for it.

A Mama. A vacuum cleaner. A young toddler. And BIG feelings.

There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.

Mama responded immediately to her little guy’s upset, turned off the vacuum and went quickly to him, intent on gathering him up in her arms to help him settle. Mama was devastated when, instead of burying himself into her body to sob and calm, he pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite Mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t immediately comfort him, she paused.

She sat herself down across the room from him and waited respectfully for him to finish his cry.

As she waited, with tears streaming down her face (oh how our heartstrings are tugged!), she found her self quietly talking to him as he hunkered down in a corner of the room away from her. She named his feelings, affirmed his upset, and eventually–maybe for her own comfort, as well–started to sing.

Her little guy? Her singing reached him. He paused a bit in his Great Big Cry…then up he rose from his corner, and toddling as fast as his little feet could carry him he crossed the floor to fling himself into her arms and finish his cry. Mama gratefully comforted her son and, as she held him snuggled in her arms, she realized what a gift she had just given him.

Her gift? An opportunity for him to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm even though he couldn’t, and connected–even from a distance. What a way to feel safe and secure. What a way to communicate respect for how he felt and how he chose to manage himself.

What a way to soundly deposit into a close, caring, respectful relationship. So much learned by both Mama and her young toddler! And this Mama? She just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset in relationship-building ways.

What an important story. What a way to allow both involved to finish their cry. What a way to say, “I have confidence in you. I respect you.”

When we can grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit quietly and respectfully in another’s discomfort it becomes a real gift for all. Today, when your heart is tugged hugely over your child’s Great Big Cry?PAUSE. Give your child the choice in how to be comforted, in what they feel they need. Give them the respect of your understanding company no matter the tears streaming down your face. Let your pause create the pause they need to gather themselves and feel the connection with you that has them learning, growing, thriving.

Then go take care of YOU so you can “finish your cry” as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Children Need to PAUSE, Too

February 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

There are two kinds of PAUSE, you know.

So much is being shared about how our children and young adults have such increasingly high anxiety. Depression. “Mis”behavior. Problems. A real lack of well-being. Us, too, I believe. And what keeps coming up more and more is what is needed more of.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

A PAUSE. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

There are two kinds of PAUSE. At least, in the simple way of talking about it. The first kind–what I like to call “PAUSE at its Basic”–is when we are able to take that moment in a heated situation to calm ourselves down. The cool thing is how, each time we succeed and each time we reflect on where we DO pause, even unknowingly, we are exercising and strengthening our PAUSE muscle. For that is what it is, a muscle.

This is the PAUSE you are all most familiar with as you follow me…mostly because you are in the midst of all things KIDS and the chaos and challenges and conflict this brings.

And there is another kind of PAUSE. I like to call it “taking PAUSE deeper.” It happens when we have been regularly exercising our PAUSE muscle in all those heated moments. We begin to realize we’ve integrated PAUSE into our lives in all kinds of ways, slowing us down a bit, having us feeling steady despite chaos whirling around. Others comment on our calmer energy or our ability to be strong and steady, or how they feel better around us. We often feel clearer about what we are doing and want to do.

This second kind of PAUSE? THIS is what all of us need more of. Especially our children. It’s a kind of physical and emotional space. Space to muse, play, be bored, think our own thoughts, be present to ourselves, check out a bit, take care of ourselves…you name it–and it all comes down to Unscheduled Time. No matter how briefly.

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

It can…

…help our child experience their feelings–the first step to understanding, processing, and eventually managing them.

…rejuvenate and recharge our child (and us) after an upsetting or tiring experience.

…help our child learn so much more about themselves–what they like, don’t like, can or cannot do, and more.

…leave our child (and us!) feeling calmer, more centered, ultimately stronger from within. How cool is that?

…allow our kids to think their OWN thoughts. Come up with their OWN ideas. Expand on their imagination and creative selves. All so ever essential for learning all through life, doing well in school, being brain and body healthy. For growing optimally.

…foster the ever-so-important self reflection that allows our child (and us!) to productively move through any difficult experience or stage.

Unscheduled Time even includes a good night’s sleep. The kind that doesn’t include ANY screen time prior to it. The kind that is absolutely essential for our brains to rest and process and be healthy.

Unscheduled Time includes being bored. As a matter of fact, being bored is very important. Because when we give our child the respect of a PAUSE as they complain about “being bored” we actually give them the gift of self-reflection. Imagination. Creativity. Problem solving. Downtime that turns into creative and productive time.

Unscheduled Time means way less adult-directed “intervention” in our child’s play.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

Ideas for you:

Show them, when they are losing it, falling apart, mad and out of control, just what a PAUSE looks like. A time to regroup–maybe in your lap or in their room or somewhere else. A time that is way less about a “punishment” and WAY more about how to take the break necessary to calm down.

Show them that it is their job to PLAY by giving them plenty of time and space to do so. If playing on their own is difficult, then choose open-ended things to play alongside with them–play dough, Lego, coloring, kicking around outside together.

Show them how YOU take breaks. How YOU head into your room to gather yourself and calm down. How you intentionally create even a brief moment of “me time” that gives you the space you need.

Let go of what can seem like “wasted time” as your teen hangs out on their bed at length doing “nothing.”

Let go of trying to direct and control just how your child plays or what they play with and try just noticing how they busy themselves. What a way to show respect for their choices and desires.

Let go of thinking you need to plan every minute of the weekend in order to “keep it all together” or “make sure everyone gets along” or to just feel in control of what otherwise feels like total chaos.

Provide toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.

Go OUT-doors as often and as long as possible. Maybe with them, maybe all by their selves. No need to have a ton of toys and equipment available. Keep it simple. Water. Balls. Bikes. A wagon. Bucket and shovel. Dirt. Sticks. Moss. Running and climbing and building and hiding and rolling and tag and forts and OH so much to do outside!

So many ways to grow that Unscheduled Time. Even when life feels incredibly scheduled due to work, daycare, school, errands. Maybe it’s just not filling the car with digital devices and “things to do” as you run from one thing to the next. Maybe it’s keeping that 20 minutes of time and space between dinner and brushing teeth wide open with no expectations. Maybe it’s thinking ahead and having something set up on the table to entice your kids into their own world of play while you scramble to get dinner going–maybe as simple as scissors and paper. Or (my favorite) play dough. Or a few ingredients for them to have fun mixing together. Maybe it’s making Saturday morning of every weekend a hang out on the floor in jammies morning and just…hanging. No plans. At least, for the kids :-).

Today, PAUSE. Show your child how to PAUSE, as well. Give them the time and space they need in order to grow well. To be healthy, in control of themselves, feeling strong from the inside out.

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What a gift to your child AND you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh the LEARNING!

February 5, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed:

~The dad who calmly and quickly caught up with his toddler who was happily ‘driving’ a hockey stick down the center of the mall. His ability to cheerfully steer her back towards the hockey store, allowing her the opportunity to stay ‘in charge’ of herself was lovely.

What did his calm approach help his daughter learn?

That hockey sticks belong in hockey stores, she is a capable soul, he trusts her to manage herself well. He gave her the opportunity to grow her confident and capable self a little bit more. And he has just increased the chance that she will continue to listen and respond to him on future shopping trips… 🙂

~The mom in the post-office giving her school-age kids the job of mailing packages. Despite a mile long line and puddles of melting snow to navigate, these kids were focused, curious, listening, and absorbing as they navigated questions, weighing, address corrections, postage, payments. Mom?

Her calm and patient presence ‘spoke’ volumes:

“You two are capable; I have confidence in you; here’s how the post office works…” So much learning to be had! And essential as our children grow–their learning to navigate the world and manage themselves positively and productively within it. Lovely.

~Two brothers, ages 3 and 5, were totally, completely immersed in books at a local grocery store.

The 5-year-old was sprawled on his tummy in the book aisle of the toy section, knees bent, feet banging away at his backside, book opened on the floor right under his nose. Brother was sitting upright and leaning against his brother, pouring over his book, talking his way through each page. Now and again they each paused to check out what the other was studying…

Their parent? On another aisle nearby. I watched for over 5 minutes, soaking up the two-some, appreciating how their mom gave them the time and space to absorb good books, appreciating how she knew she could count on how her boys handled themselves. And SHE probably was appreciating the bit of time this gave her to focus on HER shopping!

In this brief span of time, so much was nurtured–positive

sibling relationships, confidence, self-regulation, trust, focused attention, imagination, the love of books…

So much learning! Our calm, patient, cheerful presence speaks volumes to our children. And it feels good to us, as well. Now we can make the most of all the “little” moments through out the day that, over time, become the very BIG things. Truly relationship-building…

Just think about how each of these “little moments” helps our children learn so much more about our world and how to be in it. These little moments? They count. Hugely.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Oh Those BIG Alligator Tears!

July 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! One full of BIG feelings.

A mama caring for a 4-year-old (Mr. G), a 3.5-year-old (Mr. K), and two infants–8 and 10-months old. And a visitor (me), Miss Alice.

A handful, at times. You know, preschoolers being out-of-bounds, LOUD and BIG, insistent and ever-so-exuberant in all things? And boys, to boot.

Mama was rocking one baby to sleep, and another was crawling all around. Boys playing EXUBERANTLY downstairs….and then:

“NO! NONONONONONONONO!” STOP!!!” Feet pounding up the stairs, BIG alligator tears and wails and all-things-UPSET.

And here’s the beginning of what I had the privilege to witness. A lovely, just-right working through of BIG feelings that was all-things-relationship BUILDING and all-things positive and essential growth for young children.

Mama slowly and calmly moved from rocking baby, to kneeling down on the floor, opening up her arms and Mr. K. poured himself into her lap…Mr. G stood next to her, his words running over themselves as he said,

“Mr. K tugged and pulled and I wanted to go see Miss Alice and he PULLED my shirt like THIS and and and…”

Tears of discontent and “NONONO! I wanted Miss Alice and my Quiet Time and he he he he…” from Mr. K sobbing in Mama’s lap.

Mama, calm and quiet, rubs Mr. K’s back as he buries his head, reaches out and touches Mr. G and says to him, “Mr K tugged and pulled on your shirt and you didn’t like that.”

Mr. G, “NO. I didn’t! I wanted to see Miss Alice FIRST!”

Mama, “You wanted to get up the stairs fast to see Miss Alice.”

Mr. G, “YES. And he..he..he pulled on me like THIS…and I didn’t LIKE it and I didn’t want to stop…” and he took a breath and stopped for a moment. Mama looked at him and smiled in an understanding way.

Then Mama turned her attention to Mr K, “Mr K, I’d like to listen to what you want to tell me, now.” And Mr K broke out into fresh sobs and said, “I wanted to do my Quiet Time with Miss Alice and Mr G wouldn’t let me and he wouldn’t STOP when I said STOP so I pulled on his shirt to STOP him….”

Mama, “You really wanted to see Miss Alice and invite her to join you for your Quiet Time. You were really worried that you wouldn’t be able to do this because Mr G wanted to see Miss Alice, too.”

“Yeeeeeessssssss!”

Mama paused. She looked at Mr G standing there next to her, listening intently with furrowed brow and said, “Mr G, how are you feeling right now?”

And here’s where something lovely happened–Mr G PAUSED. He thought for a moment…and then said, “Happy…AND mad!” To our complete delight and surprise, as you can imagine! Yet it made sense…

Happy because he had been listened to. Happy because he could count on being heard and respected. Happy because real and meaningful attention was being given to something very serious to two little boys. MAD because he really didn’t LIKE having his clothes tugged and pulled on. MAD because he really wanted to “go see Miss Alice first.” And able to express both because attention to feelings has been meaningful work in his family.

And Mr K chuckled. In the midst of his sobs, he heard Mr. G’s words and they brought a bit of laughter and lightness even to Mr K.

Then Mama, also smiling a bit, said, “Mr K, how do YOU feel right now?” And that bit of laughter subsided and he said, “I’m NOT happy. I’m SAD.”

And tears all over again.

This mama? She sat on the floor in the midst of all the Great Big Mad and Sad. She reflected back to each boy what they said. She listened carefully to both. She never once tried to solve their conflict. She never once offered up a distraction or tried to hurry through it all. She never ONCE admonished Mr G for pushing past Mr K to “be first” or Mr K for pulling on Mr G’s clothes to try to stop him. This was important, for this really wasn’t where the real learning needed to be. It needed to be on understanding feelings and being heard and comforted for both boys to actually learn and grow and eventually listen and understand each other. And eventually NOT push past or tug on clothes.

She sat in this all even with one baby crawling up and over and around and in and out and the other fussing a bit since the rocking had slowed. Also both needing some attention…and yet…seemingly able to wait.

She just sat and listened as they re-hashed and re-told and re-demonstrated what felt like an injustice on both their parts.

You’d think it would go on forever, with no distraction or new idea or “Okay, boys, enough already” from Mama. But instead, they both–ON THEIR OWN–reached the point of done. They BOTH felt heard, comforted, sorted out. They both got to that place of feeling in charge of their feelings, in charge of themselves, and empowered because of this.

Seven minutes. That is what this took. And then Mr K got up from Mama’s lap, grabbed his Quiet Time backpack, took Miss Alice’s hand and off they went to be together.

Mr G watched them go, then turned to Mama and said, “Let’s play hide and seek!”

That’s all. I had the privilege of watching all of this. I had to work at pausing, too, you know. I wanted to “jump in” a bit. All those BIG feelings? They feel a bit uncomfortable. You want to fix them, make them go away, stop them. I knew better and I paused, but I want you to know I, too, can feel uncomfortable in another’s big feelings.

I took my lead off of Mama. I took my lead off of my own words to all of you. I let a PAUSE lead MY way. It let me watch. Listen with care. Notice and appreciate. And it had me going to kneel next to the boys near the end of it all and offer my hand to Mr K and let him know I, too, was ready for Quiet Time.

Truly a lovely, important, necessary exchange for all.

Today, let a PAUSE lead your way. Let it slow you down a bit, allow you to really listen to another, observe a situation, notice what can be appreciated. What a difference this makes. A real, meaningful difference. These two boys? They still have challenges and conflicts with each other. AND they move through them more and more on their own. Because they CAN. They know they will be heard, respected, understood. And really, that can make all the difference.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All Things Respectful To Baby

June 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A story for you…

A Mama, Papa, and 5-month-old baby. Baby tucked in her car seat on her stroller (in a public place) with a rather large and colorful stuffed octopus hanging from the handle in front of her. Mama sitting next to Baby, talking on her cell and awaiting the food her husband was getting.

Baby straining her head side to side, doing everything she was capable of to avoid Mr. Octopus. Fussing followed. Back arching beginning. Mama, noticing the fussing and back arching, pushed Mr. Octopus aside and lifted Baby out and onto her lap. Baby calmed…settled…

Food arrived. Baby gets tucked back into her car seat and Mama smiles at her and hands her the scrunched up paper bag the food came in. Baby delights in it! Two chubby hands come together to explore this wonderful, plain, crunchy sounding ball of paper. Smiles and leg kicking! Then…over the side and onto the floor goes the bag. Baby strains to find it…

Mama notices…but leaves the bag on the floor and plops Mr. Octopus back in front of Baby. Baby immediately fusses, arches, looks anywhere but at Mr. Octopus. Now Papa comes to the rescue…and Baby comes back out and onto a lap and settles…

Why am I sharing this story? Mostly because of the subtleties of All Things Respectful to Baby.

We so often miss just what our babies are trying to communicate–perhaps because we are distracted, busy, or because we really don’t know what they’re trying to say to us, or because, well, we are just plain exhausted.

And really, these moments fill our days and ultimately add up to make a real difference in our relationships–and in making our job as parents easier. These little moments that seem inconsequential create, over time, the foundation and relationships we ultimately want.

The little moments in this story that I truly appreciated…

…the lap time Baby received. Being out of the car seat or any other restraint when-ever possible means more freedom of movement, more of the essential touching our babies need, more connection with important-to-them-adults.

…the smiles and bits of talking she enjoyed from her Mama and Papa. Lovely moments of real and meaningful connection.

…the simplicity of a paper bag capturing her full attention! Simple, accessible, every-day items become rich playthings for our little ones.

These are important for connecting with Baby and strengthening the bond that is so essential for growing and living well.

What could have been different?

Noticing the struggle Baby had with Mr. Octopus and then respecting it by…

…Letting Baby know, “You are done with Mr. Octopus. Let’s move him out of the way…”

…Pausing and noticing how Baby might now respond to having this toy that she was done with respectfully removed.

…Asking, “Would you like to come out and sit on my lap?” prior to hauling her out.

…Retrieving the wonderful scrunchy paper bag that she delighted in and offering it back up.

…Recognizing how the simpler an item is the more a Baby can attend to it and enjoy it.

How can this make a difference?

Mama and Papa would learn a bit more about what makes Baby tick–making their job at parenting just a bit easier.

Baby would learn a bit more about how she feels, what she likes, that she can trust her parents to understand and answer her needs. The subtle yet powerful connection that results can leave Baby calmer and feeling safer–and therefore more content.

Mama and Papa can feel the subtle yet powerful confidence in understanding and knowing a bit more about who their daughter is–less guessing and more clarity in what works to best help their little one. What a way to deposit into a healthy, solid, positive relationship. What a way to grow the trust and respect necessary for leading healthy lives.

Small moments. Seemingly inconsequential.

Yet when we can become more intentional in how we interact from a respectful place starting with our babies, what a difference this makes through the years.

And the more we can do this, the less of a big deal it is when we ARE overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to do anything other than haul our baby out or plunk the offending toy back in front of them…

Look for the small moments today. Be intentional with how you notice and decide to respond. They add up and can make a real and positive difference for you, for your child, for your relationships. It’s in the small moments where we can, over time, make the most difference and the biggest impact. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Preschooler

June 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned (and eventually laughed over and currently driven nuts by) from a preschooler…

~ Feelings ERUPT from me like a volcano when I’m mad, sad, frustrated. I do everything in a big, often LOUD, definitely exuberant, often exasperating and exhausting (to you, at least) way…even when I feel especially shy and need your body or shirt to bury myself in so the world will stop looking at me. PLEASE don’t ask me to “smile at the camera” or “give Grannie a kiss” or “just CALM down!” Because it’s hard for me when the volcano in me takes over…

~ I am the Boss of ME! And when I’m the BOSS I get to choose…and you need to stay calm and consistent with just what I can expect from the choice I make…even and most especially when I choose OTHERWISE…

~ If you ask to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.

~ Pretending is a good thing...why NOT be a nurse, fire-fighter, kitty cat, monster, musician, mommy, baby, doctor, mail man, the best-est or strongest or prettiest dancer with a fluffy tutu or a spaceman with a helmet (but don’t forget the sword, for all spacemen really need a sword…or maybe a magic wand)…

~ I’m stronger, better, bigger, faster, louder than YOU and so is my daddy and my mommy AND my pet snake! So THERE.

~ Silly silly silly is the name of MY game! Make up songs and words and funny faces along with me. You know when I say THOSE words that you say aren’t okay? Change ’em up and you’ll have me giggling away….fudgicles, boom-BAH, silly-billy-willy. Sing me through something hard while acting it out and all things get easier: “Blowy blowy blowy goes the wind….the trees are swaying, the leaves are FLUTTERING….the clouds are P-O-O-F-I-N-G away!!!!” You’ll have me blowing and fluttering and POOFING away!! And giggling 🙂 Life gets better with SILLY.

~ Honesty is saying exactly what I see or repeating what I hear. Loudly. In public. Like at the store. Or the museum. Or restaurant. Such as “Mama, does that fat lady have a baby in HER tummy?” or “I have to POOP!” or like those times you smacked your knee on the table and said THAT word…oh that’s so FUNNY! (See the silly silly silly above!).

~ Who says I have to share? You aren’t MY friend (at least today and probably because you don’t like fish crackers like I do. Or because I think your favorite shirt is silly since it doesn’t have pockets…or…). Besides, I just don’t want to share. And if you make me? I might just turn into a volcano all over again…mostly because I just don’t understand why I have to stop MY turn just so SHE can have a turn. This is all so confusing…

~ I’ll give you LOTS of practice at being embarrassed! And mad, too. Especially out in public. I think you NEED practice, because I know JUST how to push your button and it is rather entertaining watching you get all hot and bothered…but really, it’s scary to me, too, because aren’t YOU the grown up?

~ What? You are only giving me a choice for the blue cup and the red cup?? That’s for BABIES. I need more choices than THAT. How about asking me to go find the cup I want AND pour my own milk? I AM 4, now. I can do those things. Not like when I was a BABY. (note to you mommies and daddies: up the ante on choices or suffer the consequences…AKA volcanic eruptions. From me. But also probably from YOU).

~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.

Ahhh…life with a preschooler. What have you learned today from yours? What has surprised or delighted you? I know my daughter surprised ME when she turned 3.5 and…whew. I thought it was toddler years that were supposed to be hard! If I’d only known .

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Which Story Will Be Yours?

May 21, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story with a do-over for you (and how we all wish for a do-over at times!):

A favorite very public play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Mama wanted to move back into the play area–for she knew well enough that if her daughter didn’t have enough time she could count on an embarrassing fit to be thrown. She felt the tension rise as she tried convincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.

Miss Four would have none of it: “NO! I’m not DONE.”

Bribing her didn’t work and threatening her that she’d have no more time to play fell on deaf ears. Mama, frustration taking over, had enough of her daughter not obeying. She turned off the faucet and pulled Miss Four out of the bathroom. Her daughter screamed and kicked as Mama, frustrated, mortified, (and fuming!) yelled right back with, “You aren’t minding me so we are going home!”

Off she marched with screaming and crying Miss Four struggling in her arms, feeling all eyes upon her. The fighting persisted all the way out to the car. By the time Miss Four was buckled in—an enormous accomplishment with a writhing four-year-old—exhaustion reigned. For both Mama and child.

As they drove home, Mama, with tears streaming down her face, thought—“Why can’t she just behave? If she’d only listen. I feel so EMBARRASSED…”

The ride home was miserable as Miss Four moved from screams to sobs to a fitful sleep. Upon arriving home, things just never got better.Miss Four got woken up too soon as she was pulled out of her car seat, the tantrum continued, Mama–at her wits end–enforced a time-out, and they both felt out of sorts the rest of the afternoon.

Sound even remotely familiar? I am most certain that you have either participated in a similar scene, or found yourself uncomfortable as you watch one unfold with another parent, friend, family member.

Here’s the deal–we DO get embarrassed, tense, even mortified–and it can leave us fuming, trying harder and harder to just make our child behave the way WE want them to. Here’s where the Power of PAUSE and the calm connection that follows can step in and make a positive impact…

Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:

A favorite play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Mama cringed at the potential of another round of tantrums from her preschool daughter. She knew her daughter really enjoyed what really became water play, but it usually meant a fit that playtime had to be shortened.

Mama could feel the pressure climb as she tried convincing Miss Four to be done so they can go play some more. Miss Four had none of it—“NO! I’m not DONE.”

Mama sighed. “Here we go again,” she thought!

She PAUSED by taking a deep breath and considered what she knew usually worked well for her daughter to move through these experiences with a bit more grace. She certainly had lots of experiences to reflect on, for they seem to come every 20 minutes or so… :-).

She began with letting her daughter know she could wash for one more minute and then it would be time to be all done. Something Mama knew for sure was how important it was for her daughter to have a sense of control via knowing just what to expect.

The minute passed, Miss Four was given the opportunity to turn off her faucet, yet still resisted :-). Water play really is fun!

Mama, who continued her PAUSE by staying quiet and focusing on relaxing during that extra minute (letting go of the WET that seemed to get everywhere!), calmly followed through what she had promised and reached over to turn off the faucet.

LOUD screams and tears burst forth from Miss Four.

Mama then took a few more deep breaths, reminded herself that these were tough experiences for preschoolers, and that she wanted her little one to discover she COULD handle the disappointment of being all done with something fun; that being disappointed and mad was okay and that Mama was someone she could count on to keep it together no matter how her daughter felt.

Mama’s pausing via breaths and encouraging self talk helped her act calm despite the fit from her daughter. She, acting as if she had the calm confidence she knew could make a difference, gathered up her puddle-of-a-four-year-old as best she could saying, “I know you wanted to wash for longer. It’s disappointing when you have to be done with something fun” and took her out into the hall that led back to the play place. “Here’s a good place to get your mad out. I will be right here and when you’ve calmed down and feel ready, we can go play some more.”

Miss Four continued with her MAD—yelling at her mom, lying on the floor kicking and crying.

A play place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”

And Mama waited–a PAUSE once again! Respectfully so.

Miss Four eventually wound down and Mama stepped close saying, “I can see you are feeling calmer. Are you ready to go play a bit more?”

“YES!” her daughter exclaimed. And off they went, with Miss Four zipping ahead saying, “Watch me, mommy!” Fours have an amazing power to flip from incredibly frustrating to wonderfully delightful :-).

When it was time to head home, Mama fully expected a total meltdown once again, and was pleasantly surprised (and relieved!) to find that instead her daughter expressed her sadness with her words and stomping feet, “I don’t WANT to go. I LIKE it here…can we come back soon???” instead of kicking and screaming. They commiserated together as they stomped out to the car, buckling in with little effort. They returned home, shared a snack, and had an unremarkable afternoon together.

With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.

Whew! What a difference! Know this can be your experience, as well. With practice, a PAUSE, and the resulting calm confidence that can follow, you can expect (over time) a child who manages challenging moments with far more grace–for they will feel more in charge, capable, and confident.

And the best part? Parenting can get a bit easier. Let my book, “Parenting Inspired,” help YOU create the positive change you want the most. Know that this story (from PAUSE) and more await you as you read my book(s)…

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Parent Like You

December 20, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Here’s what she realized:

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

What a difference that can make.

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Important Ways to Play, Toddler Style

December 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Important ways to play, toddler-style (and thoroughly enjoyed by me a while back)…

…dumping each and every stuffed guy, pillow, and book OFF the mattress onto the floor…hauling each and every blanket over the edge and piled on top of the stuffed guys, pillows, and books. Crawling across the mattress to drag up and off the sheet…totally immersed, furrowed eyebrows, concentration, oh so many body contortions with reaching and crawling and climbing and rolling to accomplish freeing the bed of all items!

…musing over the piles on the floor and then choosing a certain lady-bug pillow to plunk back UP on the mattress, crawling back to the edge to get a fist-full of the purple sheet and dragging it back ONTO the mattress, working the toddler-sized body to fit directly ON the lady-bug pillow and pull the sheet up over the body, tucked under the chin, eyes squeezed shut…sort of…and thinking. Talking quietly. No interruption from a parent or caregiver. Oh so much work practicing “going to sleep” can be!

...studying slugs with real concentration. Leaning o-v-e-r the flower box and discovering little tiny slugs with wiggling antenna crawling and sliming across the dirt to eat eat eat the flowers. Oh the discovery! The laughter as one…no, TWO were found climbing UP the flower box…the gently poking finger, the nibble on the leaf to see just what it is slugs like about those green plants…and the great big BLAH that followed! Just think of all the learning!

…climbing up the slippery, wet, grassy hill to spin around and PLOP down onto his back and lay ever so still as he takes in the WET of the grass, the sky he suddenly sees, the bird sounds all around…then UP again to repeat this very routine–climbing, spinning, plopping, freezing perfectly still. Over and over and over…soaking wet pants, muddy feet and hands and face…and total pleasure over being entirely in charge of what his body does…

…peek-a-boo! In and out of the set of closet beads…delighting each time in surprising the present adult with him, relishing being able to count on the adult being there, practicing over and over again the ever important ability to separate…

…and then the stories! Made up and very real and wonderful stories told Toddler Style with hand motions, words, sounds. All about dogs sneaking the cat’s food and dogs silly enough to actually try and eat a bee (STING! O-u-c-h goes the dog and BLECH as Mr. Bee escapes from the mouth…) and important people to this certain toddler writing him postcards with even more stories to think about, laugh over, delight in, and repeat…over and over and over again. Conversation, imagination, incredible THINKING fostered.

And then run off to FIND the post card to talk about it all over again . Young children LOVE getting real mail!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

Work that seems uninteresting and maybe boring to adults but is ESSENTIAL for toddlers. Work that has them thinking, discovering, moving, struggling, strengthening, feeling, talking, imagining, conversing, choosing. Work that requires us to step back, stay quiet, observe. To know just when to say something, just when to respect their space.

Work that grows a healthy brain, ready to learn; a body ready to live well; a soul in touch with who they are and how they tick. Work that a toddler needs plenty of time to engage in. Plenty.

Enjoy your little one today. Delight in what they are discovering about their world, their bodies, their thoughts and feelings. Notice how they do things over and over again. Pay attention to the thinking they are doing–especially when you intentionally stay quiet to just watch. See all the growth happening right in front of you as they explore their world in meaningful-to-them ways.

And let it put a real smile on your face!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s Talk Sharing

September 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk sharing. I found myself lingering in our local library recently, enjoying the ‘learn, play, read’ area they’ve created for infants to preschoolers. I watched how parents quietly sat on the floor and stayed present to their exploring little ones. I loved the access to so many fabulous books.

And I heard the inevitable “Share!” “No, no, be nice, you have to share.” “You can’t have that, you have to share it.”

This sharing deal? It really is more about us than our children.

Think about it. Developmentally it is between 3 and 5 that children really grasp what sharing is all about. Yet we demand our toddlers and young preschoolers to somehow just ‘know’ how to do it. And whew, wouldn’t it be nice if they did! No fighting, arguing, grabbing…all is fine and easy and we can feel like good parents.

Sharing requires understanding of ours and another’s feelings and desires. Sharing is about being creative with another as you use something together, it is about being compassionate and giving, it is about being respectful.

How do our young ones grow into the sharing mode?

By our understanding of THEIR feelings and desires, our compassion, our giving, our being respectful of them. This includes beginning with complete ownership over something.

Take a moment and think about your teen years…say you had worked many hours to save up for the beautiful new sweater or dress that you finally bought and your sister demands wearing it prior to you (since you were saving it for that special date sometime in the future) and your parent insisted you “be kind and share, for heaven’s sake”–how might you feel?

I believe you’d feel resentful. You might share, but begrudgingly. It might make you mad. It might even leave you feeling guilty, for not feeling gracious and sharing willingly. And think about how it might influence your relationship with your sister–-probably in less than wonderful ways. This is what is what happens when we, out of our own desire to have our children ‘be nice’ and have what seems to be conflict go away, make our little ones share.

What to do, instead? Respect ownership. If a young toddler knows for sure their time with an item is fully respected, if that is the norm for them that they can be fully submerged in their exploration of whatever toy, then when they feel done it is a simple extension to letting the next toddler have it. All we have to do is respect their feelings, their time, their choice.

Scenarios for you:

“You want a turn with the stuffed kitty.” PAUSE and wait. “Timmy, Grace wants a turn with the kitty.” Wait and watch. “Oh, Grace. It looks like Timmy isn’t done with the kitty. Would you like to play with the truck or read a book while you wait for a turn?”

“It makes you mad that you can’t have the kitty right now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Let’s go over here together and I can help you wait for your turn.”

“When you grab the book, it makes Sally mad. She wasn’t done with it.” PAUSE. “Sally, do you want to finish looking at the book or can Erik have it?” Wait quietly. “Looks like Sally wants to finish reading the book. Erik, can you hand it back or would you like me to help you?” PAUSE once again. “Here, I will help you give it back. I know, you really want a turn. Maybe we can read it together? Or maybe you and I can read THIS book until Sally is done.”

“Hmmm. I see two children who both want the puzzle.” PAUSE. “Wow, Mikey REALLY wants to use it and Sarah is already working with the pieces.” Wait. “Is there another puzzle in this room that we could find?” “Is there something else Mikey might want to play with–Sarah, could you find something for Mikey while he waits for you to be all done?” Or…”Here’s a piece for you to work with, Mikey. Sarah, are you going to put your piece in? Mikey, where does yours fit? Look how you can both work on the puzzle!”

And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows

Now what is learned–whether a conflict or natural sharing?

Respect. Understanding of feelings. Greater awareness of their own feelings and another’s. What to do when there is conflict.

All necessary for future sharing. The cool thing? As you PAUSE and observe before even jumping in, you may notice these little ones handle it just fine between them. Maybe when a toy is grabbed from another, the other doesn’t mind. Neither should we. They are learning. Maybe when a toy is grabbed it gets grabbed back. Wait. See how it plays out.

Intervention really is only necessary when big feelings take over or hitting/biting begins. Now it’s time to step in, describe what you see, affirm feelings, and PAUSE, always PAUSE through-out, giving your child the opportunity to process and respond. You may be surprised with what they decide to do.

Sharing begins with respect for feelings, ownership, unhurried time.

When a young child feels respected–when their time with something is honored–they naturally will ‘share’ with another. What does this require from us? PAUSING, always :-). Calming our anxiety over what seems like conflict, fighting, disagreements, unfairness. Calming ourselves down as we find ourselves with other parents who do it differently. I know what worked for me was to stay focused on the children involved rather than talk with the other parent. Or I would say, “Let’s see how our kids work it out, first.” Or we’d just chalk up a disintegrating situation to just that. A disintegrating situation. An opportunity to affirm feelings and get the heck out of there.

Relax today. Let your toddler and young preschooler finish what they are doing. Show them the respect you want to see in them as they grow. Trust the process–sharing evolves. Naturally, and often later. Honor the steps one at a time that will create the foundation for not only sharing, but positive and healthy relationships. There is no hurry.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Please Don’t Cry!

August 25, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

When my daughter was a teen and going through an intense emotional time, I wanted nothing more than to fix it for her–to make her upset go away.

Isn’t that what many of us want? We want our children to be happy, content, confident, you name it. But my wanting to “fix” her upset? This was more about me needing to feel better–to feel I’m a good parent because 1) I have the power to “fix” her problems and 2) my daughter was happy once again. I knew this wasn’t healthy–this wasn’t going to help, support, encourage, or empower her to learn how to manage her own self. To become happy, content, confident in herself. It would only serve to make me feel better and probably only temporarily until the next round of emotional upset.

Instead, I paused. I considered what I really wanted–for her to feel in control of herself, capable at being upset, and to know that I am a resource she can always count on.

I took a moment to think about what upset feelings of either of my children I have been most comfortable in. I found myself reflecting back to toddler and preschool years and physical hurts. Though they came to me scraped up and bloody, alligator tears and sobbing, I remembered how I could welcome their upset with open arms, with a sense of calm, and just–quite literally–sit with them as they cried.

I remembered how, in time, I could ask how they’d like to handle their owie and give them as much control over it as possible. I felt calm, I stayed connected, I was quiet and close as they unloaded their upset. I was okay with their great big sad. I like to think this is why, as young adults, they are far more matter-of-fact with their physical injuries…taking the hurt in stride and addressing it from a positive perspective.

I took this knowledge and memory of what worked and felt successful in the past and ‘wore’ it going into this VERY difficult experience with my daughter. On the outside I was calm, on the inside I was actively pausing and talking to myself and recognizing the anxiety that was trying to bubble up.

As I acted-as-if I was that young mom with a hurt toddler, I found myself sitting next to her, rubbing her back, no eye contact, staying quiet as she unloaded. I waited until her tears slowed and then I asked questions rather than offered solutions. She calmed herself down, came up with ideas, asked for my thoughts, and ultimately moved forward positively and well. I remember this moment for it was incredibly difficult for me NOT to jump in with my ideas, advice, desire to fix it all so she could get back to happy. There’s that power of pause at work.

The gifts? For my daughter it was the confidence in her I demonstrated as I sat with her calmly–confidence in her ability to manage all her upset. It was the empowerment she felt as a result. It was how she could take charge and move forward. It was a moment that she found she could turn within and gather up her inner strength. It was a moment she knew I was there for her, not for me.

For me? It was a moment of meaningful connection. A deposit into our relationship. A moment when I knew, deep down, that she would eventually soar and that I just grew a bit stronger myself. It has strengthened my ability to sit in an uncomfortable place–with myself and with others. And I like to think I am role modeling for my girls just what to do with those less than wonderful feelings…at least, some of the time! It is a practice…oh, and we get so many opportunities to practice every single day .

Mister Rogers’ has been and always will be a hero of mine. He inspires me daily as I reflect often on what he’d do–whether it is with children or in response to life. Thank you, Mister Rogers.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Be Careful!

August 17, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“Be careful!” slips out of our mouths often–rather like when we automatically toss out a “Good job!” And really, is it that we want our children to always be focusing on “careful” (which can get them increasingly anxious about…well…ANY thing that we tag those words onto)? Probably not what any of us intend as we toss out our “Be careful!” And totally easy to find yourself doing. Me, too.

I truly appreciate what I found on Backwoods Mama–Raising Outdoor Kids. There is such rich and important learning as we focus our attention–and therefore our child’s–on specifics for that “careful!” Just think, by *pausing* for a moment and encouraging our children to look, listen, think, feel, move, notice, we can help them grow their awareness of their actions, other’s feelings and abilities, and the world around them.

We are helping them PAUSE and consider, then make thoughtful choices.

This is essential for the self-control we so want our kids to exhibit. As we nurture their awareness as they make choices about things, we help them learn to know and control their own bodies, minds, feelings. To know–truly know–what they are capable of, what they like and don’t like, what compassion and empathy are, what is their responsibility, and more.

Most importantly, it helps our children tap into their inner thoughts and feelings–something ever so important for healthy living. And something that can get lost as we rush through our days, letting the “be careful’s” be enough.

And then the language! If you have a baby, toddler, or preschooler the time you take to ask, show, describe enriches them immensely for all of the above reasons AND in their language/comprehension development. What a difference this can make by the time your child begins school.

Today, tomorrow, and beyond, take the time to foster and deepen your child’s awareness by the words you choose as they explore their world. What a gift to you, to them, to our world.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh, the FUN!

August 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to (hopefully!) delight you as much as it did me:

Two little boys, ages Nearly Six and Three. Exploring a wooded lot in our neighborhood with their parents (hoping to buy and build). Me, walking nearby.

ZOOM come the boys, screeching to a halt in front of me.

Mr. Nearly Six: “HI!!!!!!!!”

Me: “HI!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Seethathillupthere??? WeranALLthewaytothetopandcameZOOMINGbackdown. Wannasee?”

Mr. Three: “ROAAAAAAR!” (With hands up like a fierce tiger ready to attack.)

Me: “You ran ALL the way up that hill? And FAST on down? (And to Mr. Three–WOW you can ROAR just like a tiger!)”

Mr. Three: “ROOOAAAAAARRRRRR!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Yes! WannaSee? WATCH ME!”

And off the boys sped, arms and legs pumping as they sped up up up the hill and then ZOOMED down to come, once again, screeching to a stop in front of me.

“ROAAAAARRRRRR!” went Mr. Three.

“Didyouseeus, didyouseeus?” asked Mr. Nearly Six.

Oh, YES, I did! You went ALL the way up to the top of that hill and came zooming down!

And off the boys went. I share because of how much this put a smile on my face and heart :-). Two boys, doing just what a 3 and nearly 6 ought to be doing–outside, roaring, speeding, eventually digging and marching and collecting and squishing in the mud…their eyes a-sparkling, chattering and roaring and exploring.

The parents? I so appreciated how they, too, were enjoying how their boys were playing. No “Be nice, don’t roar, say hi…” etc. Nope, they knew what Threes did. They understood Nearly Sixes. And they saw that their boys were managing their selves in just-right-ways.

They shared their intent to find a place to live that allowed their children to grow up exploring as much of the natural world as possible–sticks and mud and trees. Forts and creeks and holes to dig. Critters and plants and flowers and vegetables. Less technology. More natural world. THIS I truly appreciated and let them know the gift to their boys this intent is.

They refrained from interrupting their boys’ explorations. They erred on quiet and watching–exactly right as these two pretended, created, imagined, exerted, and experienced their parents’ confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

And manage they did. From the ROAAARRRRS of Mister Three (oh, so exactly right for a preschooler!) to the ZOOMNG of Mister Nearly Six.

Time for me to move on with my walk…

“BYE!” with huge arm waves from Mister Nearly Six.

“ROOAAAARRRR!” with claws up from Mister Three.

And off we went, our separate ways.

Enjoy your day today! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Let’s Talk Potty Training

April 12, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Let’s talk potty training.

I’ve heard a lot of angst over parents’ struggles with “training their child to use the potty.” Real concern over the increasing amount of treats and screen time rewards and none of it working–or at least, not for long. I’ve heard “I hate this stage!” “I’m going crazy!” “We never leave the house anymore–I’m afraid of all the accidents…”

I’ve never liked that word, “training.” I think it is totally mis-used and mis-leading for it puts the focus on us rather than our child. It leads us to thinking WE have to train our children to potty. When we head that direction, it becomes a mission to figure out how to make our little ones know when they need to use the potty, to actually pee or poop in the potty, and to stay dry in their “big girl or boy pants.” And really, what do we have control over? Certainly not the inner workings of our child’s body…OR their thoughts or feelings regarding it all.

I could spend time telling you my stories with my little girls–and yes, I tried hard initially to “make them use the potty.” Good intentions, of course, but as soon as I was in the mix like that, pottying became a real struggle. Not what I wanted.

I learned, over time, to step back. I learned to immerse them in all things “pottying”, talk about it matter-of-factly, and communicate my confidence in their ability to manage themselves…

Easier said than done, of course 🙂

Here’s what I encourage for parents in the midst of what can become a struggle or for those considering just how to “train” their little one…

Immerse them in Potty Culture–create an environment that is all about pottying from watching you use the toilet, to helping flush, to washing hands, to playing with a potty chair, to reading lots of books about using the toilet, to talking about it all through the day when appropriate. And probably when it isn’t appropriate, as well…funny how those dinner times can include potty talk when you have a toddler or preschooler in the house!

Describe what you see them doing as they retreat to a corner to poop in their diaper, “I can see you feel ready to poop. Let me know when you are all done and I can help get you changed.” Now they are learning a bit more about how their body feels and have the ability to be in charge of themselves. Essential for all healthy growth.

Offer them choices–“Do you want to flush my pee down the toilet all by yourself?” “Do you want to pee in your diaper or in the potty?” “Do you need to use the toilet before we head out?” “Do you want to wear a diaper or undies this morning?” Choice (and us respecting their choice) is key for growing capable, competent, confident children who know what they are and are not responsible for.

Make no big deal about whatever they choose–the greater the fanfare, the more they might do something…and the flip side is they now have a way to really push our button as they decide to do the opposite–because fanfare puts their attention on US. Keep fanfare to a very minimum by just describing what they do–“You chose to pee in the potty! Are you ready to flush it down the toilet?” “Thank you for letting me know you are done pooping. I can help you get changed.” “You chose undies today and you used the toilet every single time you needed to pee. Look–your undies are all dry! I bet that feels good on your body.”

Minimize or keep rewards out of the picture…if you decide to include them, make it (again) a matter-of-fact deal and hopefully not food or treat oriented. “When you use the potty, we can read your favorite book together.” “When you are done on the potty, you’ll be ready to head outside and swing high in the sky!” Now using the potty is way less about a reward and way more about the next step to their day…as is (if they choose to not use the potty) our ability to easily and matter-of-factly say, “We can save your favorite book for when you are ready to use the potty!” No battle, Just a clear statement of what they can expect coming from a parent relaxed about whatever decision they make.

Be calm, matter-of-fact, respectful. Trust the process and your child’s timeline. If you feel pressure, they’ll feel pressure–and I’m sure you already know what happens then. So take care of yourself. They WILL head off to college without diapers…!

Know that, as you calm yourself, you communicate your confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

As you relax and focus on a rich Potty Environment rather than focusing on making them use the potty you are giving them the chance to focus on themselves and feel in control and in charge of themselves. Just what we really do want more of–kids who take responsibility for themselves, kids who are tuned into their own bodies and feelings and can manage both.

There is much more that can be shared…especially as parents are in the midst of a struggle about pottying. Looking to where your child is successful, where they do manage themselves, what parts of the pottying process they do engage the most in (maybe just tearing TP up and dropping it in the toilet or delighting in the FLUSH!)–looking to these parts that are working can encourage you, as well. And them! For now our attention is on what we want more of, rather than getting lost on the trails of “they’ll never be out of diapers…”

Okay. My thoughts for now. I look forward to comments and questions and stories of what worked for you! And if you’d like more of my work, know that you can find a collection to inspire you in my newest book, “Parenting Through Relationship.” Find that right here.

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Love Can Hold Many Feelings

March 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Mister Rogers always has the right things to say. “It’s knowing that love can hold many feelings…”

YES. Our life’s current disruption, Covid-19, has fear, anxiety, sadness laced through-out. And all these feelings are necessary and important. The more we can give our feelings and our children’s feelings the calm, accepting, gentle attention they deserve, the more our children (and us) can feel secure in the love that allows them to process, grow, feel safe in all the topsy turvy of life.

We can get busy trying to keep our children from feeling afraid or sad. We can get busy trying to fill their days, distract them, move them along to “happy”…and so often we do so because we love them and it will help US feel better.

And yet, it can be such a disservice, for those less-than-wonderful and very real feelings get buried. And when feelings get buried they tend to nibble away at us from the inside out and reappear in stronger, more detrimental ways.

So today, honor all your child’s (and your) feelings. Name the feelings, affirm them. Give them a space of grace–maybe within your arms? Maybe with you sitting alongside? Maybe just a safe, quiet place in which to melt down? Know that with your quiet self alongside allowing feelings to be felt your child can better able manage them.

And from there, play can be encouraged (a key way for a child to process upsetting things), books can be read, eyes can be twinkled, hugs can be shared, a renewed sense of purpose can be had as you both take action in whatever way leaves you feeling stronger, more settled, purposeful.

Then fear subsides. Sadness moves toward contentment. Anxiety quiets.

Love can hold many feelings.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Learning From Toddlers to Teens

February 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed…

…the busy Mama who paused in her cleaning up of the kitchen to include her 18-month-old son. “Do you want to help me wash the dishes?” And up he went on a stool, asking for the sponge, being given a few spoons to scrub. Down he climbed as he signed “all done,” and as Mama began to work on sweeping up the floor, she offered him the opportunity to be included. A few swipes of the very tall broom later and he decided the dust pan was what HIS job would be. He carefully laid it on the floor, Mama swept into it, toddler picked it up rather precariously–and toddled to the garbage to work at twisting his wrist in just the right way. Half of the contents landed back on the floor–!

But hey, sweeping and dust panning gets to be done all over again and at 18-months, THIS is what is fun and important to do. I so appreciated Mama’s ability to move slow enough that her son could be fully included, allowing him to grow his competent and capable self...so much learning going on!

…the Dad and two elementary-aged daughters on the airplane. Each time I passed they were working on origami, colored-pencils and an intricate coloring book, immersed in paper back books, and just hanging and talking with their Dad. I so appreciated how he provided them with creative, hands-on, way cool things to do, rather than “plugging them in” to a digital device (and oh yes, there are times traveling when this is just the right thing to do).

Think about what they learned–how to manage themselves during a long flight, how to get lost in their own thoughts and have that be all the “entertainment” they needed, how others shared with them about their own memories/experiences with folding origami, brainstormed ideas with them about what to do with their growing collection of folded items, checked out their collection of colored pencils…I noticed how, by being involved with hands-on and creative things, it rippled out to include others. Meaningful connections that brought joy. And helped the long plane ride pass far more quickly 🙂 .

…the college-aged babysitter who takes the time to delight in letters from a favorite 6-year-old–including the one that was sent with a bag of a favorite cookie that turned into “cookie dust” as a result. And how this college-aged babysitter has developed a relationship with her mail carrier–so when these chunky letters come with not enough postage, the mail carrier, who knows they come from a certain 6-year-old, pays the postage due and makes no fuss about it to the college-aged babysitter–just making sure she gets these ever-important letters. Especially the ones with amazing pictures drawn of all kinds of made-up monsters.

I so appreciate watching the relationship between these two grow–all because of letter writing, picture drawing, cookie sharing. The time they all take to connect and share is a joy to watch.

What have you noticed and appreciated recently? What has really put a smile on YOUR face today?

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

To Praise Or Not To Praise

January 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

THIS hit home. From all the trophies and how they are labeled, to the nonchalant comment by the teen. When we praise often–whether it is the “good job” go-to we all fall into or the constant “wow, aren’t you amazing!!” for every sport, art project, grade, accomplishment no matter the size or importance–I believe we are undermining and displacing just what we really want: a self-directed, intrinsically motivated, confident, capable, successful future adult.

Our intentions are good. We want our child to feel confident, capable, and successful. Yet by praising all day through, I believe we are setting our child up for thinking:

~ They need to perform to be in our good graces.

~ Their performance is what we love about them.

~ When they DON”T get a ‘good job’ response, they’ve now failed–and we have given them no practice at how to manage the disappointment, the struggle of failure.

When we praise constantly we are teaching our children to pay attention to how WE feel and how their behavior or accomplishments affect US instead of encouraging them to turn within themselves, reflect, learn about what they like/don’t like, etc…

We get in the way of them growing from the inside out.

When we make their accomplishments such a regular big deal, we are undermining their ability to tap into strengths that are essential for adulthood—perseverance, hard work, creativeness, self-reflection, management of feelings, inner direction/motivation to name a few. And then there is this teen’s response in the comic. Nonchalant. Shrug of shoulders. No longer does the praise mean anything for it is given constantly. They begin to ignore us, or not believe us. Not what any of us intend as the “good job” or “hurray for you” or “you are a winner!” rolls off our tongue.

What to do instead?

Focus on their process and the strengths you see step up:

“You were incredibly focused all through your game–I noticed that. It certainly paid off!”

“Even though that math assignment was confusing, you stuck with it and figured it out.”

“What a race you had! Those hills looked brutal–boy, that must’ve taken some real determination to tackle them despite being exhausted.”

“It was hard work stacking all your blocks! You worked carefully and look at the tall tower you made.”

Focus on their feelings:

“It was really disappointing to lose the game. You were so excited going into it.”

“I can see how proud you are of the work you did!”

“Urgh. After all the time you put into your project it must be really discouraging to get the grade you did.” ”

It really puts a smile on your face when you button all those buttons by yourself!”

Focus on appreciation:

“Thank you for unloading the dishwasher. I appreciate your help. Now we have time to do a family game.”

“The neighborhood looks so much nicer after picking up the litter! I know the neighbors appreciate the time and effort you put in.”

“You and your team-mates were so respectful of your opponents’ loss. That is really a sign of true sportsmanship.”

“You shared your book with your sister. I can see how much she liked that. Now you both know just what The Little Engine That Could carried over the hill!”

And now you are more likely giving your child the experience she needs to grow strong and healthy.

To be able to succeed, feel confident in herself, feel capable, manage the harder feelings, celebrate respectfully the happier feelings. Now it is about them and how they feel and what they like and don’t like–truly what motivates them from within–rather than our child focusing outside themselves, on feeling responsible for making us feel like the good or proud parent.

This is the inner direction and motivation necessary for successful adulthood. This is the inner direction and self-confidence that translates down the road to less influence of negative peer pressure, the inner motivation it requires to stand strong in their conviction even when it is going against the tide of their friends, the inner direction that can have them moving through life capable, confident, taking charge of their lives.

So try pausing today. Try letting go of the automatic response to something your child does. Think twice and with care about how much praise for an accomplishment will really support the growth of the kind of adult you hope for. Be intentional with the attention you decide to give. And when real praise is deserved? Now it can be truly meaningful and appreciated, making just the kind of impact you want the most. How cool is that?

Alice
Author of Parenting Inspired

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

The Importance of PLAY!

September 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What can you do for your child that can…

…improve their focused attention?

…help them be content without your constant attention?!

…support and grow their ability to succeed in school?

…spark their imagination and curiosity?

…productively and more likely positively negotiate with others?

…problem solve their way through many a struggle?

It really is quite simple…

PLAY.

The very BEST kind–uninterrupted, plenty of time, non-adult directed, few to no screens, outdoors when possible, indoors with open ended “toys” that perhaps aren’t toys at all. Natural items, for sure. Dolls. Blocks. Crayons. Paint. Play dough. Boxes! BOOKS. Flashlights…Forts! Lego. Leaf piles to JUMP in! Puddles to splash. Pretend pretend pretend.

EXPLORATION.

Asking questions, being curious, wondering wondering wondering, looking and finding and wondering all over again. Testing, trying, struggling, failing, testing, trying once again. Getting dirty. Getting clean. Running hopping skipping biking triking skateboarding dancing–what ELSE can I make my body DO?! Sitting. Thinking. Musing over ideas. Being bored! Mixing and pouring and baking…tasting and tweaking and sharing.

CREATIVITY.

Imagination, ideas galore, dress up, costumes, arts and crafts. Glue! Tape. What can I make today? Blankets and tables to make forts. Pillow mountains! Sticks and rocks and moss become little Elf Houses. Games! Made up ones. Board ones. Card ones. Secret Clubs. Friends and instruments and a band! Watching clouds. Whispering together. Writing letters, plays, stories. More arts and crafts–designing, beading, sketching, sewing, knitting, quilting.

TIME.

Just think of all that is learned! Collaboration. Problem solving. Ability to focus–at LENGTH!

Self-direction…just what is needed to become a responsible, successful adult. “My ideas are valued and respected.” “I am a capable and competent person!”

Large and fine motor skills fully developing. Language and conversation and comprehension expands exponentially! “I am a creative person!” “I can DO this!” “I am listened to and heard.”

Self-regulation–“I know how and what I feel and need; I know how to manage that well!” Independence! “I’m in charge of ME and I am responsible for ME.”

So SO much is learned when we give our children the space and time to do what they do best. PLAY.

Play. Exploration. Creativity. Give your child the gift of TIME.

They deserve it and so do you.

Enjoy!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Story of Boys and their Wiggles…

June 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of wiggles for you…

A 6.5-year-old little boy. A favorite babysitter who picked him up from school EARLY so they could have an afternoon together before she went back to college. Lucky boy. Lucky babysitter!

And then the wiggles.

You know, the perpetual motion, jumping, kicking, “look at the karate I can do” as this terrific 6.5-year-old thrust out his arms, kicked his legs, and found himself on the other end of the room to turn around and thrust and kick and “do karate!” all over again. Then the mini-tramp and great big poof chair and the jumping, diving, plopping, rolling that they seem to invite. Even as invitations to make chocolate and banana pancakes were extended the wiggles took over.

Sound familiar? Maybe you even wonder if your child can even SIT still for any moment at all. Or maybe you hear from your child’s teacher how your child “needs to learn to sit still and listen better” or to “keep their hands and feet to themselves” or “he just needs to focus better…”

Back to my story. This little guy? After an hour of perpetual motion (including inhaling his banana/chocolate pancakes), of being given the respect and space and time for getting all his wiggles out, of focusing ON HIS WIGGLES (there’s that attention span–his focus was on movement, at length and with great intensity), he was offered up a maze book to read with his favorite babysitter and for the next 30 minutes there they were, stretched out on the floor, totally engrossed in mazes and stories, the only wiggles now being expressed by his toes as the two of them traced their fingers, laughed, studied their books.

And then downstairs they went to get lost in Lego building. The quiet, the focus, the creations. Again, focus, “sitting still,” conversation shared and delighted in. Together.

Why am I sharing this?

Because so many parents of young boys share their frustrations of the seeming inability of their little guys to focus, sit, listen.

They feel pressure from school to “get their kids to do so.” Teachers have greater pressure all the time to “get kids to sit still” so they can do their work. I’m not going to delve into the frustrations of all as we push academics down into younger years, but I do want to take a look at the wiggles…

I want to encourage each of you to look at the perpetual motion AS focused attention. Your child is putting all their attention on the movement they need the most.

This is to be appreciated and encouraged and given the opportunity it needs.

And I want to encourage each of you to look for those times your child DOES “sit still” and listen, focus on a quieter or more involved activity, get immersed in intricate Lego building or books or drawing or play dough or scissors or lining up cars or…

Look for it. Notice when this kind of “sitting still” happens–what precedes it, what your involvement is (if any), what captures your child’s attention the most.

My wiggle story? It is all about how essential movement is in order to foster the “sitting still and listening” many of us want more of.

And to acknowledge it AS focused attention can perhaps change how we view it. Instead of seeing it as displacing focused attention, we can now embrace it as nurturing focused attention.

Today, look to where your child involves him or herself fully. Whether it is movement or books or building or listening or testing you over and over and over (focused on getting YOUR attention!). Notice and appreciate the focus that whatever they are doing requires. Affirm it out loud when appropriate. Pay attention to what works to then move into the quieter focused activities.

Give your child lots of practice at and time with both–movement and stillness (and screen time does not count–it more often undermines the ability to sit and listen at length, truly. That’s another post to write!). Even if the “sitting still and listening” lasts just a few minutes, notice and affirm. What we focus on grows.

Back to the babysitter and 6.5-year-old. They said their good-byes to each other. Hugs and karate chops and promises of amazing pictures to be mailed back and forth. This parting of ways has gone on for 4 years…it is with incredible joy that I get to watch their relationship flourish. And to watch our 6.5-year-old friend grow himself in such wonderfully delightful ways!

Celebrate the wiggles today! And enjoy another wiggles post here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/21/noticed-and-appreciated-wiggles-and-giggles/
Alice

Author and PCI Certified Parent Coach®

Making a Real Difference, Meltdowns and All

June 10, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Four-year-old twins, a boy and girl. A busy store. Two parents and a list of things to get. Here’s what caught my attention:

The little boy getting a hold of an item and starting to take it out of its package–mom knelt gently in front of him, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, in a store we keep things in their packages until we buy them. That’s the rule. Can you put it back, please?” And then, upon refusal of her son, she carefully took it from his hands and placed it back where it belonged. Her son began to fuss…

I so appreciated her respectful, gentle approach that I kept my eye on what was unfolding from there. Yes, I watch. I watch because I enjoy noticing what is working for parents and children, I enjoy actively appreciating a parent’s efforts–more on that later.

The next thing I noticed:

The family in line, putting items up on the counter for the cashier…the little girl was happily saying, “Daddy, can I help carry things?”

The little boy–already a bit out of sorts with having to stop dismantling packaged items 🙂 –was doing the four-year-old whine. “I want that! I want it n-o-wwww!” Still on the quiet side, but a definite whine, fuss, discontentment. Dad reached down and picked him up–creating just the connection his little boy needed–and held him as they continued with unloading the cart. The boy got a little louder with his “I want…give it baaacckkk…”

Dad looked at mom and said quietly, “What would you like me to do?” Mom said, “Head on out with him.” And out of the store dad and four-year-old went, Mr. Four now increasing in volume as he realized he was getting further from what he wanted.

Yes, I followed–the sunshine felt good as I was waiting for my husband back in the store. So I followed and watched this wonderful exchange from a distance. Dad calmly carried his now writhing son over to their car and paused by the door, talking quietly. He put his son down…and the boy promptly did jello legs and collapsed on the ground–yet still rather subdued with his whining. Dad picked him up and opened the car and tucked him in–calmly, patiently.

Enter mom. She appeared outdoors with her daughter–and here is my favorite part. I tapped her on the shoulder and said,

“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”

And she beamed.

We then spent the next few minutes sharing 4-year-old antics and their BIG feelings, how hard this stage is with her twins–she spoke of the challenges as well as the joy. We spoke of the importance of calm connection and consistent follow-through in order to help a child really learn. We spoke of the message their calm gives–that their children can count on them to keep it together even when they (the children) cannot. And this is why her son never really lost it–because they kept it together. Now he had the opportunity to really learn just a little bit more about managing himself–in a store, with dad, on his own. Truly awesome.

We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.

And this is what I encourage each of you to do this week–actively appreciate another. Whether it is a parent with an acting out child, a parent getting real joy out of an exchange, a child who is working hard at being a great helper, a child who is struggling with a sibling or an activity. Take a moment to watch, to encourage, to say, “I noticed. Kudos to you!”

We all need encouragement and to be appreciated. And I bet you will discover and enjoy the smile it’ll put on your face and in your heart as you do so. What a way to go through our days.

What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.

What a way to live.

Another favorite story of the power of calm connection is right here for you: Pick Me Up Now!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

What TO do instead of a screen?

April 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago, the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Self Regulation, Toddler Style

April 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Self-regulation (nearly) two-year-old style:

…”No no NO!” with a wiggle and a squirm when picked up without being asked.

...SQUIRM, toss and turn, kick, squeal and two adults all for a diaper change…until,”When your diaper is on it will be time to go join Papa and play….” Body FREEZES. Still as a statue. Diaper on and a big, huge smile with a “Ready to GO!” expression…

…Emphatic head shaking back and forth when asked, “Can I give you a hug to say good-bye?” Followed by from the adult, “Okay…how about a kiss?” MORE emphatic head shaking…and a palm up to say “STOP.”

…Joyful head NODDING and arms outreached when asked, “Can I give you a hug…?” Ahhhh…only a toddler can send our hearts on that roller coaster as we so want a snuggle yet respect just what they feel ready to give…

…Knees a-bouncing, finger a-pointing, a look of total eagerness...”I want to go THAT way! Take me with you…” And off we go with pauses to ask, “Now which way?” And only the toddler knows just where we will end…

…Sleepy, eye rubbing, yawning…“Would you like to sing Puff the Magic Dragon or Rise and Shine for nap time?” No no no, those are ALICE’s songs. YOU sing You Are My Sunshine!

…Willingness and awareness that any food being enjoyed is enjoyed while standing still or sitting down. “Here’s your water…let’s sit down to drink…” and down he plunks.

…Eagerness to take off to explore the next really cool thing but PAUSES to open his mouth when asked, “Are you still chewing on your bagel?” “Ohhhh…I see food in your mouth, still. When your mouth is empty, we can take off to explore!” And his body stills, chewing and swallowing, and a wide-open mouth to say, “LOOK! I’m all done!” And off we go…

I had the incredible pleasure and privilege to watch a 22-month-old manage himself during a weekend wedding event that involved many new faces and places and an interrupted rhythm to his usual patterns. This little guy? He has been parented so respectfully, been listened to, gently guided, his choices respected, his feelings affirmed–and as a result, he flowed through this chaotic and FUN weekend directing himself in all that he did.

He knew when and with whom he wanted to eat, explore, move away from the crowd to take a break.

He communicated clearly with adults who listened and respected him.

His sleep time routines were diligently stuck to even if the timing was later than usual.

He made his needs clear without ever falling apart. His needs were addressed before he needed to fall apart. And when what HE wanted just wasn’t going to happen, he was respectfully affirmed, gently handled, and always spoken to with a quiet voice.

And he listened.

I do believe there were adults blown away by his ability to manage himself. To regulate his needs. To communicate so well through sign language and emerging words. There were adults surprised that he had a “mind of his own” and was CLEAR when they crossed those boundaries (like sweeping him up from behind with nary a heads up or awareness of just what HE was focused on and doing). And I’m betting there were some folks who realized just what the possibilities are when a child is parented respectfully from day one.

Very cool. So today, PAUSE. Take a moment and observe your little one. Notice what they are focused on, what they are feeling, what they are trying to say. Let a PAUSE and an affirmation lead the way. Connect first, then as needed be gently firm or joyfully eager. Let your child direct themselves as much as possible…including feeling MAD if they really don’t like what needs to happen. Slow down, observe, talk about what you see, what you are trying to understand about them…

Respectful parenting leads

with calm connection.

Exercise your pause muscle today–it will deposit into your relationships in exponential ways. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

“I can’t DO it!” A story of tantrums…

April 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:

“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.

Me: “You sound frustrated!”

Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.

Me: “Can I help?

Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”

And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity

Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:

And here is where I can honestly say I did well.

Then something magic happened.

Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?

That made all the past tantrums worth it. More about tantrums here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/04/15/tantrums-loud-giant-frustrating/

Here’s to more peace in your household!

Enjoy.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

The Magic of Respect

January 25, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know the cool thing about respectful interactions?

All the amazing things that emerge…

…babies who actively participate in care-giving routines–perhaps via closing their eyes and scrunching up their faces when you ask, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves.

What a way to grow their capable and competent selves.

…toddlers who are willing to stop what they are doing and come with you right away because most of the time you respect what they are working on and give them the time they need to finish. Toddlers who actually consider what you are saying and asking…and then nod happily and join in with the job. Pretty neat, the more we respect them, the more they listen and cooperate.

…older children who feel confident and in charge of themselves (so essential for a healthy self-esteem and identity come teen years!) because all along mom and dad have respected their limits, their feelings. You know, all those tickling, rough housing, pillow fights, peek-a-boo games we love to keep going? Our stopping when our child indicates they’ve had enough communicates our respect for their ability to manage themselves, know their own feelings, be in charge of their bodies.

…children able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.

Or spending 20 minutes trying to coordinate broom and dustpan and pile of dirt, getting frustrated, trying again, finding out the dirt spills off when they angle the pan wrong, trying again…getting frustrated…flopping on the floor…playing in the pile of dirt…then up and trying AGAIN.

Our affirmations and quiet presence as they move through the frustrations communicates our respect for the job they are doing; for their own ideas and decisions.

When we respect our child enough to keep

interruptions minimal, they have the opportunity to grow

themselves as a self-directed individual.

They now have the opportunity to truly learn what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do, to persevere, to think creatively, to discover how they feel…what a gift for their entire future, school and otherwise! And way less whining and “I’m bored!” to push your buttons, making our job a tad bit easier :-).

…young children saying, “I frusserated!” “STOP, I don’t like that!” “I need a hug.” “Mommy, I’m MAD at you!” rather than tantrums, melt-downs, hitting and biting. With our respectful affirmations and naming of their feelings without trying to fix them, our children learn to manage them selves–with words, stomping feet, withdrawing into their blankies…all the while working on learning just what we hope–appropriate expression of all those big feelings. Respect allows for this.

…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.

They know for sure that how they feel, what they think, and what they are interested in doing is important to you–and when anyone feels that way they are much more likely to listen, compromise, collaborate. To create those win/win solutions.

With respect in place, you are more likely to

nurture the growth of a self-directed, focused, persevering,

creative, problem solving, cooperative and collaborative

strong future teen and adult.

What more could we ask for?

Respectfully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calming Your Anxious Child

January 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Your child is anxious.

Maybe in the moment, maybe it is just a part of who they are. And you work hard at helping them to feel better.

Maybe you find yourself saying, “You’ll be fine!” or “Don’t worry about it.! Or maybe you find yourself doing whatever YOU can to “make them feel better” such as distract them with a treat, or adventure with you, or a special toy, or time on a digital device, or or or…whatever it takes, because none of us want our children to feel anxious or struggle with anxiety.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I so appreciate Lemon Lime Adventures poster and article.

When we PAUSE, calm our OWN anxiety over

our child’s worries, then we can step in from a truly relationship-building place.

Asking questions. Listening. Exploring. Seeing their worries as something necessary and important–and now, like anything in our lives that is necessary and important, we respect those worries.

It requires us to let go of “solving” our child’s worry or struggle. So often our desire to “make it go away” and find a solution is much more about our own anxiety and discomfort over big feelings. This anxiety and discomfort? It always comes from a place of deep care for and commitment to our child. Know this, for your feelings are equally important.

Yet, when we rush in to fix, we are communicating to our child we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage their feelings. We communicate that they need US to fix things for them. I think this can so often feed anxiety for a child–not feeling they can ever be in control of this worry, that it always requires another person solving it.

As you fast forward to teen years, this means the “other” they turn to may be someone who doesn’t have their best interests in mind. This may mean they turn to alcohol or drugs or screen addiction to “control” their worries.

I think we all WANT our children to grow into teens and adults

able to take charge of their lives, figure out what they want and need, manage their feelings and selves in healthy ways.

When we create that PAUSE for ourselves, focus on calming ourselves down, take time to see our child as the competent and capable soul he is and will become, think about what we want them to learn about themselves, take time to consider just what kind of teen/adult we hope they will be…

…we are more likely going to be able to step alongside our child and their worry and ask questions like Lemon Lime Adventures shares. We are more likely going to listen, explore, discover, partner with our child.

…we are more likely going to sit––with calm connection–alongside our child as they worry. Think. Talk. Cry. And this “sitting” alongside? It is key.

What a way to feel safe.

What a way for your child to actually be able to feel in control of herself. What a way to grow and learn from the inside out and with respect for who your child is. What a way to feel the comfort of someone willing to sit in the worry with you…keep it company…give it a place of honor for a bit…accept you and all your feelings.

And now your child can feel far more in control of himself. How cool is that? And maybe the NEXT round of (inevitable) worry or struggle will be just a bit easier, because they’ll have grown a bit more from the inside out, understand a little more about their feelings and what to do with them.

Today, acknowledge and affirm your child’s worry or struggle.

Name their feelings. Ask them questions. Sit with them. Give them the space and grace of time and your company.

And give your SELF the same respect as you work through your worries and struggles…

Here’s to moving through today’s struggles in relationship building ways…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Connection Rather Than Correction

November 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A Mama, 15-month old, 3.5 year old, and a quiet event in a large room with one other adult.

Mama and adult were in conversation. 15-month-old HAPPILY engrossed in practicing her newly discovered running. You know, little feet churning forward, balance worked on, distance accomplished. A total delight, as she ran ran ran from one end of the room, to the other, out the door to turn around and run run run right back in with the biggest smile ever.

Mama quietly delighting, giving her the opportunity to practice “separating” from Mama and being totally in charge of her own body.

3.5-year-old in constant conversation with the other adult, some words understood, others not, but the theme always apparent. The Halloween candy bowl. The SPACE to MOVE in this rather empty room. His job to “go find sissy!” as his little sister ran ran ran out of the room and back in again. The picture on his shirt. The work at peeling wrappers off pieces of candy and finding the garbage can. Talk talk talk. Totally fun.

On and on all the while with Mama and adult also engaging in conversation.

And then 3.5-year-old started upping the ante. Going to find Sissy included extra “hand work”–you know, pushing a bit as he decided to direct her in certain ways. 15-month-old plopped a few times on her bottom, wrinkled her brow, and pushed herself back up to continue HER job of running. Brother upped the ante a bit more–pushing a bit harder. Tears started. 3.5-year-old–being in the “out-of-bounds” stage preschoolers are in–became even more exuberant with his STRONG muscles…

Okay. This is where it could have totally disintegrated. It could have been Mama getting frustrated, stopping brother, brother ramping it up more, toddler falling totally apart, and ALL conversation (and connection!) lost as a result.

Instead…the other adult? She spotted a low table and engaged with Mr. 3.5 with, “You have STRONG muscles! I can tell your sister doesn’t like how you used them on her. I wonder if they could come push push push this table all the way across the room…?”

Bingo. Mr. 3.5? He took up the challenge. The table was pushed across one way, then turned and pushed again. “Whew!” both the boy and adult said. “You DO have strong muscles!” Mr. 3.5 said, “They are tired muscles, now!”

So plop onto the floor the adult and boy went. “Let’s REST those muscles!” Lying side by side they gazed up at the ceiling. “Look! A balloon is up there!” And their conversation continued, boy resting his body, then his eyes. The other adult joining in along side. Quiet talk together. Mama watching from the side with a smile on her face, not interrupting a bit, giving a lap and a bit of comfort for her toddler.

Soon the rest was complete and the escalation that had occurred was no more. Mr. 3.5 was back to exploring, talking, and being just-right-busy. Mama and adult finished their conversation. Toddler felt ready after the steadying comfort of Mama’s lap and busied herself just as before–run run running.

Delightful. All of it.

What could have melted down was instead

re-directed toward tapping into just what a 3.5-year-old needs–acceptance and acknowledgement of abilities, opportunity to USE those abilities, real and honest connection with another.

This was way less about “correcting inappropriate behavior” and way more about showing an exuberant preschooler just HOW to channel all of his energy. To manage himself in positive, productive ways, rather than be “corrected, directed, and then disconnected” in relationship depleting ways. Toddler, too. It gave a chance for Toddler to know, without a doubt, Mama was there to check in with, feel safe with, and now better manage her own upset over all that “hand work” of Mr. 3.5.

As a result, joy was had, conversations finished and enjoyed, connection felt, respect given. And just a bit more of self-regulation developed (aka, “appropriate behavior”). By both toddler and preschooler.

How cool is that?!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Head Bonks and Ice-Cream Cones

October 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share.

A zoo. A mama and papa with several little ones and a Big Brother–4ish. Ice-cream cone in hand . Others milling around as we do at zoos.

Big Brother, ever so excited and eyes glued on the critters he was watching, WHACKS his head on a railing. Ow! Tears and screams–just as a preschooler often does–BIG, LOUD, over-the-top. Because it HURT.

Ice-cream cone teeters…another person reaches and rescues it before it, too, hits the ground. Love that, by the way. It does take a village to raise a child and helping hands when things go awry are always appreciated.

Mama kneels down and envelopes her son in her arms. Another warm and lovely moment, for when things get upset what do our children need the most?

Our calm, comforting selves offering the safe place to FEEL.

Up she scoops him as he screams. Still wonderfully calm and seemingly (outwardly!) at ease despite all the folks within range. Funny how you can practically feel the uncomfortable energy come off of others when a child (or adult, I suppose) expresses themselves in a less-than-happy and loud way. Funny, I say, because this upset isn’t anything new, odd. or rare. So why are we often uneasy around it? And yes, I can be, as well. Something for all of us to work on…getting a bit more comfortable and then accepting of another’s BIG feelings.

Okay. Back to Mama. As she swept up her son to comfort she said (as we often do), “You’re okay…”

This is often what we say when WE are uncomfortable,

embarrassed, uneasy about our child’s behavior and want very much to quell it, shorten it, STOP it.

Totally understandable–especially when under the scrutiny of the public eye. And yet…

Consider this. When we, often because of our own anxiety or discomfort, try to get our kids to STOP whatever they are feeling we communicate to them several things…

…that we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage themselves and it is our job to do it for them.

…that how they feel isn’t real, valid, honest. That how they feel isn’t “right.” Because we are busy telling them “you are okay” when quite obviously they are not.

…that anything other than happy isn’t okay. Now that can become quite the problem as we get older…

And our kids? They tend to (especially at 4…and in the teen years…) get louder. More upset. Sometimes ridiculously so over something that really was rather minor.

What CAN we do?

PAUSE. Be calm, just like this Mama was. Offer a safe place, just like this Mama did (in her arms–which may or may not be what your child needs). AFFIRM their feelings:”You whacked your head. That really hurt….”

PAUSE again, and give them the time to express themselves. Ask them questions, “Would you like me to rub it?” “Would it help if…?” “What do you need to feel better?” “Papa is holding your ice-cream cone so it stays safe and ready for you when you are ready…”

And wait. With them. And as they start to pull themselves together, because YOUR ability to be alongside them no matter how they feel gives THEM the space and support and encouragement to pull themselves together, you get to say, “It looks like you are feeling better. Are you ready to get down and go check out the tigers…hold your ice-cream cone…march along the path with me…?”

It’s tough. It requires us to recognize how quick we are to try to “fix” our child’s feelings, hurt, experience. It asks us to strengthen our ability to pause and consider. To feel uncomfortable and be okay with that. There’s the tricky part, I think, to feel uncomfortable (embarrassed, anxious, upset…you name it) and BE OKAY with it. Rather like what we are hoping for our kids as they work through hurt or hard of any sort–to know, without a doubt that they CAN, and that they will ultimately be okay, and to trust that.

And when we are able to walk alongside our child through a difficult experience, affirming their feelings, giving them our company (and the feeling of safety that brings), and asking them questions, we are now actively helping grow that future independent, self-directed, whole and wonderful adult we intend.

So today…as your child stumbles, hurts, gets upset and you find yourself wanting them to calm down, be quiet, not hurt so bad…PAUSE. Be there and perhaps be quiet first and foremost. What a way to communicate, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you behave and feel.” What a way to build trust. What a way to build confidence (in both of you!). What a way to deposit soundly into the healthy and thriving relationship you want the most.

Here’s to the mama and papa, the ice-cream cone that was eventually handed back (minus a few licks), and the 4-ish little boy who eventually felt better and continued his march through the zoo…:-)

With JOY and appreciation,

Getting Lost in Lego!

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

I recently had the great pleasure and privilege of watching a two-year old get totally immersed in…

LEGO.

I know, Lego is for a bit older child. Lego is tricky to manipulate for little hands. Lego is a choking hazard. But here’s the deal, this toddler? I know him. Just as you know yours. I know what he can and cannot do and he had my full presence as he discovered the container of Lego on my shelf. Safety was not a concern. Frustration over little pieces not a concern, either, for I knew this little guy. He has always been allowed to work on his own on things his way–and frustration rarely occurs. He seems to always manage to figure things out…or ask for help when he’s ready. So Lego it was.

Lego. Not the kind that is only “in a kit” that makes certain things. I’m talking the Lego that is all jumbled together full of magical pieces and shapes and the gateway to all things imaginative and creative.

Here’s what I noticed…and so thoroughly enjoyed! We were looking for “a guy” to sit in a toy tractor I had. Down came the long plastic box of mixed up Lego. Mr. Two’s eyes got just a bit wider.

His hands went in and did just what I remembered doing as a child–swimming through all the pieces…back and forth…listening to that wonderful sound of crackles and clicks and shuffles and however Lego sounds to you. Mr. Two discovered “a guy.” This guy had a helmet on his head–“Just like Papa!” Mr Two exclaimed.

The Guy fit into the tractor…but back to that magnetic draw of a container of Lego. Swish swish went his hands. “More guys!” as he discovered other “peoples” and their various hats. Then…”A PLANE!” as he pulled out a creation built by a certain 7-year-old in my life. “No propeller…” and back into the box he swished….

Mr. Two explored and swished and worked and talked and got totally immersed and lost in this Lego for the better part of an hour.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

Real learning. REAL learning. This is so essential for our children!

Time to get lost in their play. Hands on, sensory and language rich (oh, how he was talking, using new words, asking questions, musing to himself…), relationship based (I was near and available) play.

So LEGO it is at my house. I know, without a doubt, when Mr. Two returns, he will once again seek out my container of Lego, plunk himself down, swish his way through, and do the work of a child. Including filling up that tractor we started with with all the Lego that can fit in its trailer. Now THAT is a puzzle for a two-year-old.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

Today, find the space and time to give YOUR child an opportunity to do their work. At length. Lost in and immersed and thinking their own thoughts. Hands on. What a way to build healthy brains…healthy relationships…healthy everything.

Let those (ever-so-big and upsetting) feelings FINISH.

September 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“I just have to finish my cry.” (Teacher Tom)

All the way. Completely.

I truly appreciate this article on Teacher Tom’s blog. All about sitting with another in an uncomfortable place. This is something our children are ever so good at giving us LOTS of opportunity to do–to grow ourselves as we get better and better at sitting in another’s upset, sad, discomfort without trying to fix or judge or excuse.

This, I believe, is true empathy.It is the ability to step

into another’s shoes, accept their experience and feelings as based

in their truth (not necessarily ours), and connect.

Not fix or judge or excuse, but connect.

This is difficult. We all want those LOUD feelings to just go away–way less embarrassing, uncomfortable, aggravating.

We all want our deeply hurt child to be no longer deeply hurt (and to make sure the person who hurt their feelings so deeply apologizes! Go check out my “say your sorry” article! ). We all want that toy throwing, foot stomping, door slamming, tantrum throwing child (or teen!) to COOL THEIR JETS. Now. For heaven’s sake hurry up we don’t have time for you to finish your cry completely. Pull it together!

And yet…take a moment and consider the messages we can communicate when we let our anxiety over our child’s big (and very real) feelings get in the way of connecting in a relationship-building way. Consider these:

...”I can’t handle how you are behaving and feeling.” Whew. For a child to hear that the most mature person cannot handle how the least mature person is feeling–that is truly scary.

...”How you feel doesn’t matter…isn’t important…is not valued…” Yikes. Probably never what we want to communicate…we ALL want our feelings to matter and be valued–to be heard and understood and welcomed into a safe, loving place…

...”You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset…” Talk about rocking a child’s world and undermining the trust on which all is built.

...”You need ME to tell you how you SHOULD be feeling, handling this, thinking, behaving…” Now there’s an often well-meaning response, but all it really does is undermine our child’s confidence in themselves and ability to manage themselves…and have them turning more and more to others to fix, tell how, think for…

…”How you feel isn’t okay/good/allowed. You need to feel differently (aka, happy)!” Here’s the deal–as much as “happy” is way easier, if our response to our child’s big upset feelings is to get happy, then we are displacing just what makes us whole and wonderful human beings–our incredible and valuable range of feelings. The more deeply we feel, the more incredible joy and connection is ours to be had.

Okay. So those are some of the messages we give another when we are unable to “let them finish their cry.” Here’s a short story for you I shared initially on Teacher Tom’s post that highlights the power of letting someone finish their cry:

“To be allowed to finish your cry…how essential for all things relationship-building. I know a young mama whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over a vacuum incident and pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t comfort him, she paused…sat herself down across the room from him and waited for him to finish his cry.

She found her self quietly talking to him, affirming his upset, and eventually (maybe for her own comfort!) starting to sing. This had her little guy pausing a bit in his Big Cry…then toddling across the floor to fling himself into her arms and finishing his cry. Now mama cried as she gratefully comforted her son and realized what a gift she had just given him: an opportunity to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm and connected (even from a distance) even though he couldn’t (what a way to feel safe and secure). So much learned…and mama just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset!”

I just have to finish my cry. YES. To grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit in another’s discomfort is a real gift for all.

Today, see what works for you to PAUSE in your child’s upset.

Consider letting them “finish their cry completely.” Decide how that might look for you and for your child. Think about empathy…and how, in their truth, whatever pushed their button was worth the big feelings.

Let them know you are there and be a quiet presence for them. Notice what it takes for you–talk to your anxiety, your discomfort, your irritation. Discover what works for you to manage YOUR feelings so your child can learn to manage theirs.

And wait. Your child will let you know just when he needs more than your company…or you will know because you’ve waited quietly alongside (or across the room!), staying present and keeping them company and tuned in to just what they need the most. Trust yourself–and value the discomfort YOU are feeling. It is what makes YOU a whole and wonderful human being.

Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your writing resonates, empowers, and inspires.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Success: Respect Feelings

August 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!

Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it.

And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…

…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.

…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.

…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…

...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…

...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)

Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.

Things to focus on:

PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask

Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”

Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”

And always, always follow through with the choices given.

Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.

Respect Feelings.

A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.

Another essential ingredient can be found right here.

Here’s to you…

Parenting Success: Being Bored and Empty Spaces

August 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success, continued. Essential ingredients:

Being Bored and Empty Spaces.

Let your child be bored…instead of rushing in to fill their time with all the cool ideas YOU have (or chores or homework or whatever else is decided they need because they are bored…), PAUSE.

Consider Being Bored an essential ingredient for SUCCESS. It often creates the Empty Space so necessary for a child to reflect, come up with creative ideas, imagine, get lost in play or their ideas or a good book. It helps them discover all kinds of life skills from problem solving to thinking to greater self-awareness. And all of this? It makes YOUR job as a parent easier.

The trick to this ingredient? YOU. Being able to respect boredom as the valuable “empty space” it is. Being able to say to your extra whiny, clingy, “MOOOOOOM, I’m BOOOOOORRRRREEEED!” something along the lines of, “Oh? You’re bored. I wonder what you are going to do about that.” And then off you go focusing on all the million and one things you have to accomplish.

Really. That is enough. When they come back at you because they aren’t used to Being Bored, you get to twinkle your eyes at them and continue on with your job.

And when they STILL push push push for you to fill their Empty Space and “fix” their Being Bored, you might find yourself saying, “I remember being bored. I always had fun doing…I wonder what ideas you have.” or maybe you’ll say, “I need another half-an-hour to finish up my work. I’ll check in then and see how you are.” And because you keep your promises you do check in when you are finished with your work.

Being Bored. A key ingredient for the Recipe for Being a GREAT Parent.

Now add Empty Spaces that have nothing to do with Being Bored.

Empty Spaces (and this often includes lots of nature…always an essential ingredient!). Time for your child to just BE and follow their thoughts. You, too. You need Empty Spaces….

Here’s where I’ve noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed this essential ingredient of recent:

~ The mama quietly following behind her 2.5-year-old through a local greenery. This little one was concentrating on run-run-running along the brick paths, stopping to gaze at all the color around her, touching flowers oh-so-gently AND with gentle reminders to do so, following the dog who watches over all those beautiful plants, stopping to study dirt on the ground, blooms that had fallen, and more. Appreciated? How mama quietly followed (creating an Empty Space for herself, as well), 100% tuned in. What a way to respect her little one’s exploration. I mentioned my appreciation and when mama said, “We have time to waste!” I HAD to respond with, “There is not a minute being wasted here. What a wonderful and important way to deposit into YOUR child’s fast growing brain and in-charge-of-herself self.” I just couldn’t resist because, well, so MUCH was being learned in this Empty Space of time mama was giving her toddler .

~ The 9-year-old boy, by himself, poking at the boat he made from old branches of a cow parsnip plant. He had collected the hollow and wide stems, tied them together with a bit of string, and was now testing his boat in the run off of melted snow down the culvert on his street. Lost in thought, considering ways to dam up this water to create a deeper pond, pausing to smile and tell me about his ideas. Appreciated? That he was lost in his play, immersed in all things science, and given the time and space to do so–explore his world, hands-on, creative, focused, problem solving. Oh so much being learned in THIS seemingly Empty Space!

~ A certain 7-year-old in my life. Drawing and writing endlessly. Time to do so at length in his home. A mama who intentionally limits “extra-curriculars” and “have-tos” many afternoons following school and gives her son the Empty Space of following his OWN whims (along with a snack, of course ). What unfolds? Total immersement in designing monsters and bird-like creatures, complete with scientific descriptions and stories to accompany. If one is lucky, one gets to hear his stories when he is ready. If one is REALLY lucky, one gets to HAVE one of his most incredible drawings. So much happening in this Empty Space given him most days--the creativity and imagination combined with fine-motor skills and artistry combined with language and story writing and scientific discovery…whew. And just think, with her son so immersed in his own imaginative self, mama has the opportunity to relish an Empty Space for herself (or get those chores done and dinner made…!).

All of this incredible discovery and learning because of what can seem like an Empty Space we adults need to fill.

THIS is an important ingredient in the Recipe for Success…

Our ability to let go of filling what seems to be a “wasted” space and trust what can unfold, instead.

And it can make your job as a parent easier.

Today, find an Empty Space to give your child. Know that as you give them this space to BE you are providing them with opportunities absolutely key for growing well. Even if that Empty Space gets filled with the loud, upset, or any other BIG feeling (like Being Bored…!), it is valuable. Really! Essential ingredient for growing well .

Find the entire recipe for your Parenting Success right here. And enjoy!

Important Moments in the Day of a School-aged Child

July 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a school (elementary!) aged child:

Our sincere and present good-byes and hellos…

…as we send our child off to school and welcome them back home. No cell phone in hand, please. The joy of our little rituals–kisses, hugs, high-fives, eye twinkles, “Tell me about your day!”–leave our kids feeling loved, safe, and connected. A wonderful way to head into school ready to learn, out of school ready to re-connect.

Down time!

Instead of moving on to the next scheduled activity, it is the time to kick back, focus on what they feel like–building forts, getting lost in a book, playing with friends, creating an elaborate Lego structure, kickball outside, swinging high and long. Protecting this time and space is key for a child to grow well.

Playing with friends…

…whether with one or a group, elementary kids are all about friendships. Best Friends Forever, Secret Clubs, “You’re my friend because you like grape popsicles, too!” All those social skills you hope your child will figure out? Here is where they blossom…especially when we stay on the periphery, or out of it entirely. This is their time to discover how to be fair, kind, compassionate, accepting. Hurt feelings abound…and with our compassion and understanding, they can pick themselves back up and try again. Amazingly resilient!

Mealtime with the family…

…whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, coming together with the whole family does more for building positive, healthy relationships then just about anything else. A time to hear their stories, to laugh, to learn good manners. A time to know for sure they belong somewhere. A time to know for sure they are safe, loved, cared for, respected…that mom or dad are truly interested in who they are becoming, what they are thinking about, what they like and don’t like. Respect. What an opportunity.

Games!

With friends or family, game playing absorbs our school-age kids. Board games, card games, pick-me-up kick ball, baseball, capture the flag games. Silly, made-up games, rhyming games, hopscotch, hide and seek, chase and tag. This is an essential part of learning and growing social skills, give and take, how to win or lose, cooperation, physical abilities, complex thinking skills…learning that truly stimulates the brain in amazing ways preparing them for the increasingly difficult academia they will be immersed in. No need for competitive/organized sports–just plenty of time to play non-adult directed (kid-directed!) games.

Our quiet company as they get hurt, feel left out, lose their best friend…

Our willingness to sit alongside them in their upset as they experience any kind of hurt, to show our respect for how they feel, give them our company and our compassion…this is essential for our children. And our willingness to let go of trying to fix it for them is equally key, for now we communicate our confidence in their ability to manage them selves; now they are just a bit stronger for the next round of uncomfortable feelings bound to happen.

Simple moments in the day of a school-age child…moments that are essential for us to provide, be present to, and protect. Know that with your attention to these you are giving your child just what she or he needs to be better able to grow strong, healthy, and well.

Go play a game today! Want to learn more about school-aged kids? Check out this: Elementary Kids!

Continue…

How would YOU feel?

July 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

How would YOU feel if…

…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?

…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?

…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?

…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?

…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?

…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?

…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?

…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?

…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?

I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.

Respect. It is key and it begins at birth.

Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”

Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt? Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”

Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”

Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.

Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”

Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years

Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.

Start right now and PAUSE before you act.

Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.

And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.

It begins with you.

Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.

With respectful appreciation,

Alice

Babies! Capable and Competent from Birth

May 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Babies! Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!

And it is easy to think our job is to do it all for them and to them–they are teeny, tiny and seemingly ever so helpless. Yet truly they are capable and competent from day one in their own ever increasingly amazing ways. When we look for and recognize this we are truly more able to build a strong foundation for all their healthy growth; we are depositing in little and magnificent ways into the respectful relationship we intend to have.

Did you know babies can:

~ Self-regulate when it comes to feeding? They know, all on their own, whether they are hungry, and when theyʼve had enough. Our job is to respect that.

~ Communicate with clarity when they are uncomfortable. Our job? To ask them what they need, talk them through the solutions, “Are you feeling sleepy? Is it time for your nap? Letʼs go get you ready…” “I can tell you don’t like a wet diaper. Let’s get you changed.”

~ Respond to “Are you ready?” as you prepare to change diapers, wipe faces, pull on clothing—let them know what you need to do, respectfully ask if they are ready, wait a moment, then follow through—and you will discover their active participation in whatever it is. You may be surprised!

~ Clearly let us know when theyʼve had enough of our well-meaning interactions—they turn their heads—and when that doesnʼt work, they may close their eyes, cry, or fall asleep. Our job? Watch…and allow them the opportunity to turn away and decide when they are ready to re-engage. By doing so they wonʼt need to cry or fall asleep to protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Baseline for growing respect. Baseline for growing a child who can be self-directed, tuned into their own feelings, truly KNOW themselves.

~ Hold conversations with you as you respect the give and take—talking, waiting, responding. Captivating! Some of my favorite times with a baby…

~ Move their bodies in just the right ways to develop well. Our job? To provide them with lots of floor time and out-of-containers time to move freely on their own. To roll to their tummy when they can do it on their own, pull themselves up on furniture, push themselves to a sitting position, kick, stretch, reach, grasp, chew—this is their job and they do it well.

~ Know the meaning of many, many words as you tell them stories, sing to them, show them their world—truly creating the foundation of language that is baseline for all their learning. It can be wonderfully surprising when your 9-month-old can point out a chickadee as different from a robin…

What do you notice about your infant that surprises you? What can you do differently as you see him as the capable little soul he already is?

Want to know more about babies? You may like this: How Would YOU Feel…?

Or this: Important Moments in the Day of a Baby

With joy and appreciation,

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Save Your “NO!”

April 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

When we save our NOs for times of absolute necessity, our children are much more likely to listen and behave.

My mom showed me that. Save your NO. So now what? If you follow me, then you know what I’m going to say next...What we focus on grows

Here’s the deal–if we are so busy saying NO every time our child is choosing to do something we’d really rather them not do…if we are caught up in the “don’t don’t don’t”s , if we try to rely on our “no no no!” on a regular basis, then what happens is our children stop listening to us…

…and when a safety issue arises and NO is an absolute, this can become truly problematic. Not to mention the lack of respect, listening, positive growth that is missed as our “NOs” take over.

So back to what do you do? You save your NO and instead PAUSE. Consider just what it is you DO want and speak to this. Let your child know what the YES is.

Ideas for you:

Instead of “NO you can’t have your candy before lunch!”, try “Yum, your candy is good, isn’t it? After lunch you can pick a piece to eat if you like.”

Instead of “NO, don’t throw your toy cars! Quit it!”, try “Toy cars are for driving along the floor as fast as they can! These balls are perfect for throwing…”

Instead of “NO, absolutely not, you can’t spend the night at Molly’s house!” try, “You and Molly had ideas for a slumber party. When you are 8-years-old you can do sleep-overs. I wonder if having a play-date all day long might be an idea?”

Instead of “No no no! Enough with the video games! Go outside NOW!” try, “Man, you are having fun! Your 30 minutes is up playing video games. Can you find a stopping point, please? Then we can get ready to head outside for our hike…”

Instead of NO, look to what the YES is and share that.

The cool thing? The more it is a YES, or a “here is what you CAN do”, the more a child feels heard…able to grow their competent and capable self a bit more…be focused on behavior that is preferred…have their attention on possibilities rather than limitations.

And when your child STILL refuses to go in the direction you are attempting to gently guide them towards…when they persist with exactly what you don’t want? The YES in all that is your calm, consistent follow through:

“You are having a hard time driving your cars fast on the floor. You really want to throw them. I’m worried they will hurt something or someone. Up they go to the counter. After a while you can try again.” And you calmly follow through…working hard at being okay with the big feelings sure to express themselves. Allowing those feelings!

“You are really, really disappointed that you can’t have a slumber party with Molly. I know you are upset with me. I understand. I’d be mad at my mom, too, if I couldn’t have the kind of fun I wanted.” And you sit in it and let those upset feelings pour out until your daughter is ready to be receptive to other ideas…or not . Time always helps…

And all of this? It, over time and with your ability to be intentional with just what you say and then do, grows a child who can manage themselves well, feel respected and then BE respectful, listen, cooperate, discuss, figure out just what they like and don’t like and what to do about that.

They can feel capable, competent, in charge of themselves.

And when NO is an absolute, it is now way more likely to be heard and respected.

How cool is that? My Momism from G’mom. If you like this, you may like my No No NO! article…:-)

Thank you, mom, for the very real difference you made in mine and many others’ lives. I continue to learn from and grow because of you…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Tantrums! Loud, giant, frustrating…

April 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

TANTRUMS. Or any and all big, giant, huge, loud, ear-splitting, eye rolling, often embarrassing and frustrating FEELINGS.

And how ever-so-difficult this can be–to manage our OWN response.

Simple, in that it is something you CAN control rather than trying to control your child…or any other human being….

Difficult–so very, very difficult–because it asks us to take an honest look at ourselves, get a “handle” on OUR often very big and overwhelming feelings, let go of feeling embarrassed, angry, sad, over-the-top frustrated…

So two thoughts for you:

1) Be gentle with your SELF.

When you find yourself responding in a less-than-wonderful way to your child’s work at learning to manage themselves, show yourself compassion. This is hard work and you will always have another opportunity to try again .

By showing yourself compassion--forgiving yourself—you are role modeling an essential piece of living well for your child. Doing so often leads to authentic apologies. Doing so leads to self-care. Doing so leads to being honest. “I blew it. I need a break. I apologize…” What a way to show your child a mature way to deal with mistakes and big feelings. Now you’ve taken what started out as relationship-depleting and made it relationship-building.

2) Greet each round of “mis” behavior as another chance to strengthen your PAUSE muscle.

To find what it takes for you to take that split second, minute, hour, (day??)…to stop and focus on yourself, first. To find some semblance of calm. To think about what your child NEEDS and what can help your child the most, right now, to learn a little bit more about managing themselves. Then, hanging on to that thread of calm you’ve managed to find, go re-connect with your child. Discover that you may just respond rather than react. Notice how it lessens the intensity of the situation–maybe just a bit, but hey, that counts. Pay attention to how, with your calm(er) self leading the way, connection happens. And with connection compassion, cooperation, collaboration, healthier communication is more likely to emerge. In time.

So remember this:

The sign of great parenting is not your child’s behavior.

It is how YOU choose to behave.

It is okay if your child loses it–even in public. It is okay if your child needs to cling onto your leg and scream as you try to leave them at school. It is okay if your child has to yell, stomp, slam, roll eyes, sob, etc. This happens. For many reasons.

And as you are increasingly able to PAUSE, you will become clearer about just what your child needs, you are more likely to connect with your child in such a way that their need is answered, and now you are in a position to positively influence them as they work at learning more about themselves, how to manage their feelings, how to express themselves more productively…how to grow in healthy, relationship-building ways.

Really.

Be gentle with yourself. Exercise your pause muscle. And always, always, re-connect.

Thank you to Synergy Parenting Resources for letting me share their poster.

Make it great today!

DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…

April 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.

Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??

Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?

Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.

Ideas for you:

~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...

~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”

~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”

~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”

~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”

~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”

~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).

~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...

~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”

~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”

~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...

What we focus on grows.

Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.

So choose today to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”

Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.

Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.

With JOY and appreciation,