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Lessons learned (and eventually laughed over and currently driven nuts by) from a preschooler…

~ Feelings ERUPT from me like a volcano when I’m mad, sad, frustrated. I do everything in a big, often LOUD, definitely exuberant, often exasperating and exhausting (to you, at least) way…even when I feel especially shy and need your body or shirt to bury myself in so the world will stop looking at me. PLEASE don’t ask me to “smile at the camera” or “give Grannie a kiss” or “just CALM down!” Because it’s hard for me when the volcano in me takes over…

~ I am the Boss of ME! And when I’m the BOSS I get to choose…and you need to stay calm and consistent with just what I can expect from the choice I make…even and most especially when I choose OTHERWISE…

~ If you ask to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.

~ Pretending is a good thing...why NOT be a nurse, fire-fighter, kitty cat, monster, musician, mommy, baby, doctor, mail man, the best-est or strongest or prettiest dancer with a fluffy tutu or a spaceman with a helmet (but don’t forget the sword, for all spacemen really need a sword…or maybe a magic wand)…

~ I’m stronger, better, bigger, faster, louder than YOU and so is my daddy and my mommy AND my pet snake! So THERE.

~ Silly silly silly is the name of MY game! Make up songs and words and funny faces along with me. You know when I say THOSE words that you say aren’t okay? Change ’em up and you’ll have me giggling away….fudgicles, boom-BAH, silly-billy-willy. Sing me through something hard while acting it out and all things get easier: “Blowy blowy blowy goes the wind….the trees are swaying, the leaves are FLUTTERING….the clouds are P-O-O-F-I-N-G away!!!!” You’ll have me blowing and fluttering and POOFING away!! And giggling 🙂 Life gets better with SILLY.

~ Honesty is saying exactly what I see or repeating what I hear. Loudly. In public. Like at the store. Or the museum. Or restaurant. Such as “Mama, does that fat lady have a baby in HER tummy?” or “I have to POOP!” or like those times you smacked your knee on the table and said THAT word…oh that’s so FUNNY! (See the silly silly silly above!).

~ Who says I have to share? You aren’t MY friend (at least today and probably because you don’t like fish crackers like I do. Or because I think your favorite shirt is silly since it doesn’t have pockets…or…). Besides, I just don’t want to share. And if you make me? I might just turn into a volcano all over again…mostly because I just don’t understand why I have to stop MY turn just so SHE can have a turn. This is all so confusing…

~ I’ll give you LOTS of practice at being embarrassed! And mad, too. Especially out in public. I think you NEED practice, because I know JUST how to push your button and it is rather entertaining watching you get all hot and bothered…but really, it’s scary to me, too, because aren’t YOU the grown up?

~ What? You are only giving me a choice for the blue cup and the red cup?? That’s for BABIES. I need more choices than THAT. How about asking me to go find the cup I want AND pour my own milk? I AM 4, now. I can do those things. Not like when I was a BABY. (note to you mommies and daddies: up the ante on choices or suffer the consequences…AKA volcanic eruptions. From me. But also probably from YOU).

~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.

Ahhh…life with a preschooler. What have you learned today from yours? What has surprised or delighted you? I know my daughter surprised ME when she turned 3.5 and…whew. I thought it was toddler years that were supposed to be hard! If I’d only known .

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Threes, fours, and fives—WOW!

Hang on to your hat, you are in for a ride! Everything over-the-top, LOUD, fast, bigger- better- stronger. Exuberance to the max. As well as SHY to an extreme…

The growth in these years is astounding and due to this we are often caught trying to catch up with just how capable and competent they are–and if you are having an experience like I did, that “catching up” takes…months, sometimes!

Preschoolers can:

~ Use their imagination and truly pretend. Our job? To give them plenty of lengthy times to play without our direction. Just play—this ability to imagine and create needs time and space to nurture and is essential for optimal brain growth and all future learning. This means with OUT screens…and WITH lots of wonderful open-ended items to play with such as blocks, hats, dirt and sticks and buckets, art supplies, playdough, Band Aids, boxes, and time. Time with no agenda; time to think their own thoughts and try on their own ideas…

~ Express themselves loudly and exuberantly! Rather like a volcano exploding at times (quite often). Giving them the space and opportunity to be loud and exuberant respects this energy in them; steering them gently towards appropriate expression is our job. “I can see you are really, really mad. Letʼs stomp our feet extra hard down the hall and get your mad out!” “Quiet voices are for the library. I can see you really want to use your loud voice. Letʼs head outside and you can be as loud as you want.” Or…”You are really upset. I will stop you from hurting me. I think it is time we took a break so you can calm down…” And show them just what taking a break means.

~ Share! Watch this emerge from turn taking to really playing with another, freely trading back and forth and imagining together. Is it a bit reactive at times? You bet—necessarily so. Sharing comes with feelings of disappointment, frustration, patience, joy. Notice it, affirm it, and do your best to stay out of it. Preschoolers are quite good at figuring things out when adults stay on the sidelines instead of in the mix, “Looks like you both are wanting to use the truck. What can you do about that?”

~ Take care of their bodyʼs needs quite well, from toileting to bathing to eating. Give them lots of opportunity to wash themselves (and do your best to let go of perfection), choose and prepare their own snacks, decide how much of their meal they want to eat until they feel done. Our job? Ask questions such as, “Would you like help in the bathroom? Let me know if you do.” “You feel full? Okay. Iʼll save your plate in case you change your mind later.”

~ Cook, clean, create. Include them often in meal preparation—show them the recipe, let them measure things, help them stir things in the frying pan; include them in chores—they like to feel a part of what makes a family and home work. Let them fold, mop, sweep, vacuum, sort, scrub. Show them how to work with tools—hammers and nails, screwdrivers, paint—real and meaningful work. Always.

Preschoolers need our calm, consistent, caring interactions; our affirmation and naming of their BIG feelings; our focus on and celebration of their abilities rather than the results of their attempts.

Be amazed by your preschooler! Up the ante on choices and opportunities to be in charge of themselves and watch the magic that can unfold…

Now your child can feel more in charge of his or her self and respected and encouraged by you-and truly empowered!

From this place of empowerment you will discover your job gets easier, your relationship more joyful, family life richer. And now, no matter the ride, you will discover the delight in all things preschooler…even as your buttons are pushed YOUR sense of humor will lead the way a bit more…really!

Celebrate your childʼs abilities today!

With joy and appreciation,

Alice