Tag: Time Out

“I can’t DO it!”

June 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

In my care a four, seven, and thirteen year old. The two older ones at the table, totally focused on homework and projects. The 4-year-old–Mr. N I’ll call him–immersed in Lego on the floor. Me? Preparing after-school snacks.

Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:

“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.

Me: “You sound frustrated!”

Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.

Me: “Can I help?

Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”

And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity 

Okay…so here is where we all find ourselves at some point in our parenting journey–and most likely quite often, depending on age and stage of kids. Here is where I’d like to say how calm and matter-of-fact I felt as I let Mr. N know it is time to take a break and calm down. This is where I’d like to tell you how easily he complied by gathering himself up and snuggling on the couch and quickly pulling himself together to go try again.

I’d like to be able to say that. But the reality? It looked a bit different. I felt my temperature rise…the words going through my head: “Argh! Mr. N is doing it again! Throwing a tantrum over the littlest thing! And the other two kids are trying to work. When is he going to learn? How can I get him to STOP????”

I did have the where-with-all to act-as-if I felt calm and matter of fact. It helped that I had a 7 and 13-year-old watching me intently, and role modeling for them was important to me. Take whatever works to (pretend to) do it well! I do believe that really was my first PAUSE.

Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:

“Mr N, you are having a hard time. Your screaming is making it difficult for the girls to do their work. Time to go downstairs until you are calmer and ready to try again.” Sounds good, right? It was–even if I did feel angry, myself. Self-control–a strength!

Mr N had no ability to pick himself up and head downstairs–too busy wailing and flailing. I picked him up  working hard at containing MY anger. Thank goodness for the two sets of eyes watching my every move–another PAUSE of sorts. Off we went down to his room in my house screaming away. I plunked him down and said, “When you have calmed down, we can try again.”

And here is where I can honestly say I did well.

Mr N is screaming and flailing and I found myself sitting sideways in the doorway. I knew from previous experiences that closing the door just added to the turmoil via kicking…and I knew for certain my visible nearness helped him feel connected–even in the midst of doing anything he could to push me away. Connection is key.

I sat myself down and averted my eyes. I kept Mr N company–quietly and respectfully. I stayed connected and available.  I paused. Okay, so I plugged my ears for awhile, as well. And breathed. And wished for him to calm down SOON so we could move on…

Thirty minutes later (yes, thirty minutes–I had quite the time to PAUSE in that doorway!) as his screams had turned to sobs, I found I could interject (you know, in-between sobs when they try to catch their breath?) “I hear you are working at calming down. When you are ready, we can head back upstairs and try again.” Mr N knew he could have my lap if he wanted (he didn’t), he knew I wouldn’t leave…and I respected his choice to pull himself together ‘on his own.’

Then something magic happened.

Truly magic. Down the stairs came my kitty cat–“Mew, mew, mew.” I swear to you, she came down to check on Mr N and all the commotion–she really was! And I used it: “Yoda kitty! You are worried about Mr N! You are here to see how you can help.” And I picked up my fuzzy little kitty and plunked her in the room with my sobbing little friend. Mr N wrapped his arms around Yoda kitty (Yoda was not one to be snuggled, yet this time? She obliged..) and breathed in her soft fur.

Mr N, “Yoda, I love you. Yoda, I’m sad. Oh, Yoda…” And he totally calmed down. Within a minute or so he said, “I’m ready to go upstairs!” I said, “You worked hard at calming yourself down and Yoda kitty came to help!” Off we went, Lego plane was gathered up and re-built, snacks were had, and all was peaceful. Really!   

Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?

Acting as if. Having other eyes a-watching me. Knowing that Mr N needed time and space to gather himself and respecting his way of working through it all. Staying near and available. Pausing–maybe not initially, but in the end, my staying near Mr N gave me the gift of a pause so I really could feel calm. And in turn, this gave Mr N the PAUSE he needed to feel the same. Kitty cat included.

There’s my story for you. One of many. Maybe I’ll share the 13-year-old tantrum  of my daughter’s another day. Really, this is a journey we are all on–it is meant for our growth as much as it is our children’s. Respect this. Welcome every challenge and conflict as an opportunity to become a better you. Always appreciate the parts that ARE working for you–for what we focus on grows. Know you have lots of good company along this journey as a parent!

Find Alice’s books here!

Me? I am forever grateful to Yoda kitty. She has managed to change the tune of many upset moments. Mine as well as others! Mr N? He is now 12 and builds incredible Lego planes–he shared the fleet of planes he created recently. You know what he said? “Alice, I don’t care if they look just right anymore. Look what I built, just for fun!” And he was glowing.

That made all the past tantrums worth it.  More about tantrums here: Tantrums! Loud, Giant, Frustrating…

Here’s to more peace in your household!

Enjoy.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Discipline. To Suffer or Solve?

March 3, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.” L. R. Knost.

This is a tough one for many parents. I often hear, “But he has to know it isn’t okay to throw his blocks!” “Talking back to me is unacceptable and she has to know it.” “He has to learn not to hit others!”   YES to all of these!

It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.

If we respond with time outs, go to your room, withdrawing every privilege under the sun in a reactive, ‘I am really mad’ way, then in what ways are they learning to solve the problem? To know within themselves what they can and cannot do? To make a better choice based on themselves instead of us–the mark of an inner directed and self-regulated person?

When we get reactive and punish, we are perhaps getting compliance in the moment, but we are also communicating that they need to behave in order for us to calm down and feel better (Whew! They behaved! I can feel like a good parent, now! Or at least RELIEVED…). And now the learning is more about how we feel, rather than learning what it feels like to them to have the blocks put away, no longer have mom’s attention until a respectful voice is used, that using words and gentle touches reaps much bigger rewards.

When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…

…and show them what is expected, practice with them what is a better choice, offer them our respect for what they choose to do by calmly and consistently following through with the results of their choice, NOW real learning can occur.   

Brains are calmer and can process thought. The choice made is about them rather than us. The respect for the process of growth is in place.  Compliance in the moment often undermines being able to manage themselves in the long run. Certainly not want we really want!

Now how might your response look?

“Blocks are for building. When you throw them, it is time to put them away.” And you follow through. Now your child has an opportunity to discover just what they think and feel about no longer having the blocks available. How THEY think and feel, not us. And we get to calmly sit through their potential upset, eventually moving them gently toward another activity…or trying again with their blocks.

“When you talk to me like that, it is hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a respectful, kinder voice, let me know. I am interested in what you have to say.” And now you move away, put your attention to something else, and give your child the space and respect to decide for themselves if they want our attention and listening ears. Inner direction–key for successful living.

“Hitting is never okay. It hurts. I can see you are mad about your friend using your special guy. Can you use your words to let her know about your mad?” And now you are there to walk them through just how to negotiate more peacefully, to discover more about their feelings, to practice self-control, to problem solve based on THEM, rather than us. Know that you can expect to repeat this many, many times as your child figures out better ways to interact with others. Practice–it is key!

This is what discipline is all about–guidance.

Letting go of compliance in the moment–except for safety issues–requires us to have patience, trust in the growth process, clarity on what we really want (what kind of adult we intend to grow, what kind of relationships we intend to nurture…), and the ability to role model the respect and kindness we all hope to get from our children as they grow.

PAUSE today. Calm yourself. Consider what it is you really want your child to learn—and then step in alongside them and show them.

Find Alice’s books here!

Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.

Patience! As in all good and amazing things, it takes time. What we focus on grows.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2013 Alice Hanscam

Our Children Need to PAUSE, Too

February 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

There are two kinds of PAUSE, you know.

So much is being shared about how our children and young adults have such increasingly high anxiety. Depression. “Mis”behavior. Problems.  A real lack of well-being.  Us, too, I believe.  And what keeps coming up more and more is what is needed more of.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

 

A PAUSE. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

There are two kinds of PAUSE. At least, in the simple way of talking about it. The first kind–what I like to call “PAUSE at its Basic”–is when we are able to take that moment in a heated situation to calm ourselves down. The cool thing is how, each time we succeed and each time we reflect on where we DO pause, even unknowingly, we are exercising and strengthening our PAUSE muscle. For that is what it is, a muscle.

This is the PAUSE you are all most familiar with as you follow me…mostly because you are in the midst of all things KIDS and the chaos and challenges and conflict this brings.  

And there is another kind of PAUSE. I like to call it “taking PAUSE deeper.” It happens when we have been regularly exercising our PAUSE muscle in all those heated moments. We begin to realize we’ve integrated PAUSE into our lives in all kinds of ways, slowing us down a bit, having us feeling steady despite chaos whirling around.  Others comment on our calmer energy or our ability to be strong and steady, or how they feel better around us. We often feel clearer about what we are doing and want to do.

This second kind of PAUSE? THIS is what all of us need more of. Especially our children. It’s a kind of physical and emotional space. Space to muse, play, be bored, think our own thoughts, be present to ourselves, check out a bit, take care of ourselves…you name it–and it all comes down to Unscheduled Time. No matter how briefly.

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

It can…

…help our child experience their feelings–the first step to understanding, processing, and eventually managing them.

…rejuvenate and recharge  our child (and us) after an upsetting or tiring experience.

…help our child learn so much more about themselves–what they like, don’t like, can or cannot do, and more.

…leave our child (and us!) feeling calmer, more centered, ultimately stronger from within. How cool is that?

…allow our kids to think their OWN thoughts. Come up with their OWN ideas. Expand on their imagination and creative selves. All so ever essential for learning all through life, doing well in school, being brain and body healthy. For growing optimally.

…foster the ever-so-important self reflection that allows our child (and us!) to productively move through any difficult experience or stage.

Unscheduled Time even includes a good night’s sleep. The kind that doesn’t include ANY screen time prior to it. The kind that is absolutely essential for our brains to rest and process and be healthy.

Unscheduled Time includes being bored. As a matter of fact, being bored is very important. Because when we give our child the respect of a PAUSE as they complain about “being bored” we actually give them the gift of self-reflection. Imagination. Creativity. Problem solving. Downtime that turns into creative and productive time.

Unscheduled Time means way less adult-directed “intervention” in our child’s play. 

So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?

Ideas for you:

Show them, when they are losing it, falling apart, mad and out of control, just what a PAUSE looks like. A time to regroup–maybe in your lap or in their room or somewhere else. A time that is way less about a “punishment” and WAY more about how to take the break necessary to calm down.

Show them that it is their job to PLAY by giving them plenty of time and space to do so. If playing on their own is difficult, then choose open-ended things to play alongside with them–play dough, Lego, coloring, kicking around outside together.

Show them how YOU take breaks. How YOU head into your room to gather yourself and calm down. How you intentionally create even a brief moment of “me time” that gives you the space you need.

Let go of what can seem like “wasted time” as your teen hangs out on their bed at length doing “nothing.”

Let go of trying to direct and control just how your child plays or what they play with and try just noticing how they busy themselves. What a way to show respect for their choices and desires.

Let go of thinking you need to plan every minute of the weekend in order to “keep it all together” or “make sure everyone gets along” or to just feel in control of what otherwise feels like total chaos.

Provide toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.

Go OUT-doors as often and as long as possible. Maybe with them, maybe all by their selves. No need to have a ton of toys and equipment available. Keep it simple. Water. Balls. Bikes. A wagon. Bucket and shovel. Dirt. Sticks. Moss. Running and climbing and building and hiding and rolling and tag and forts and OH so much to do outside!

So many ways to grow that Unscheduled Time. Even when life feels incredibly scheduled due to work, daycare, school, errands. Maybe it’s just not filling the car with digital devices and “things to do” as you run from one thing to the next. Maybe it’s keeping that 20 minutes of time and space between dinner and brushing teeth wide open with no expectations. Maybe it’s thinking ahead and having something set up on the table to entice your kids into their own world of play while you scramble to get dinner going–maybe as simple as scissors and paper. Or (my favorite) play dough. Or a few ingredients for them to have fun mixing together. Maybe it’s making Saturday morning of every weekend a hang out on the floor in jammies morning and just…hanging. No plans. At least, for the kids :-).

Today, PAUSE. Show your child how to PAUSE, as well. Give them the time and space they need in order to grow well. To be healthy, in control of themselves, feeling strong from the inside out. 

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What a gift to your child AND you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Time-outs!

August 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Time-outs! Often relied on to change our child’s behavior, to “get them to behave,” to HOPEFULLY make them LEARN.

Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott

And I believe this comic says it all–“And you still don’t see the connection?”

When we use a time-out as punishment, as the go-to

consequence for “mis” behavior also known as behavior we cannot handle, or stand, or know what to do with,

what are we actually teaching?

 

It seems to me, when our kids hit, yell, ignore, dump the dog’s food bowl all over the floor, throw exactly what it is you don’t want being thrown, fight, you name it–if our response is, “Go to time-out!” or “That’s enough, young man. Go to your room!” or “You know hitting isn’t okay! You need to go sit THERE until I say you can move…”

…then our children are more likely never to “see the connection.” Or maybe it is that the connection they see isn’t conducive to learning just what it is we really want them to learn. And what really is missing is the connection they need with us in order to feel safe, secure, able to settle and learn.

What they hear and experience is when they choose to do something we consider “mis” behavior, they have to go to time-out. Mostly because mom or dad is mad and really can’t handle their behavior and now it is all about our mad (and inability to handle it. Scary, for a child). What is really learned? How to make mom mad. How to NOT make mom mad. And how unsettling that is for children, to seemingly be “in control” of our feelings. Rocks their boat, shakes them up, and often just creates even MORE “mis”behavior as a result.

What we really want, beyond not being mad, is for our children to learn to decide on their own to choose more appropriate and productive behavior; to be more focused on themselves and the learning we really intend.

Learning, from the inside-out.

 

Truly self-directed. Essential for future successful and healthy adulthood.

When the go-to is “Time-Out, Young Man!”, where is the learning to use gentle hands, a quieter voice, to keep the dog’s food IN the bowl or how to sweep it up and put it where it belongs? Where is the learning to throw appropriate items, place others, hand over some, plunk others? How do they know the steps to productive negotiation? Sending our kids to time-out often undermines the learning of exactly what we truly want.

Instead, consider a time-out as exactly what it is meant for–a time to cool off. To be used often in connection WITH you (a Time IN), or at least from the place of, “Wow, you are really really upset. It’s time to take a break…” A time-out is an opportunity to take that break, cool our jets, feel better, and then try again. Essential life-skill. A PAUSE. Knowing when you need it and how to take one is what we are guiding our children towards and probably learning to do ourselves .  See my books for help in this!

All the other behaviors? They deserve our calm, matter-of-fact response. “When you hit, it hurts. It’s never okay. What is it you’d like to say?” “We use gentler hands on our kitty. Like this…if you need to hit, let’s go whack the couch pillows!” “Yikes! The dog food belongs IN the bowl. Would you like to scoop it back up with your hands or try sweeping it up?” “Blocks are for building or plunking. Would you like to try again?” “You are super excited! Let’s put the blocks away right now and go get all your extra throwing energy out with our soft balls…” “You two are having a tough time taking turns. You both want a chance to play with our new game…hmmmm…”   

And now our child has the opportunity to feel supported and understood by us, connected to us, and focused on exactly what we want them to learn more about.

 

NOW they have the opportunity to connect their choice with a result that has them learning HOW to do something, WHAT they feel, STEPS they can take. All with your company. And they now are more likely to learn.

So today, think about just what it is you really want (beyond NOT feeling mad!), and let a pause for YOU step up so you can then join alongside your child and take the extra minute to talk and show. Pretty powerful, our words and actions.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

And if it continues to escalate? That’s okay. Now it is a time to use a time-out as the PAUSE it is truly meant to be. Instead of a punishment, it becomes a powerful way to help a child feel the connection with himself and with you that has them calming themselves, managing themselves, and deciding for themselves just when they are ready to try again.

Now they’ll see the connection. And your job has just become easier… This is the power of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

“I can’t DO it!” A story of tantrums…

April 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

In my care a four, seven, and thirteen year old. The two older ones at the table, totally focused on homework and projects. The 4-year-old–Mr. N I’ll call him–immersed in Lego on the floor. Me? Preparing after-school snacks.

Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:

“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.

Me: “You sound frustrated!”

Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.

Me: “Can I help?

Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”

And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity

Okay…so here is where we all find ourselves at some point in our parenting journey–and most likely quite often, depending on age and stage of kids. Here is where I’d like to say how calm and matter-of-fact I felt as I let Mr. N know it is time to take a break and calm down. This is where I’d like to tell you how easily he complied by gathering himself up and snuggling on the couch and quickly pulling himself together to go try again.

I’d like to be able to say that. But the reality? It looked a bit different. I felt my temperature rise…the words going through my head: “Argh! Mr. N is doing it again! Throwing a tantrum over the littlest thing! And the other two kids are trying to work. When is he going to learn? How can I get him to STOP????”

I did have the where-with-all to act-as-if I felt calm and matter of fact. It helped that I had a 7 and 13-year-old watching me intently, and role modeling for them was important to me. Take whatever works to (pretend to) do it well! I do believe that really was my first PAUSE.

Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:

“Mr N, you are having a hard time. Your screaming is making it difficult for the girls to do their work. Time to go downstairs until you are calmer and ready to try again.” Sounds good, right? It was–even if I did feel angry, myself. Self-control–a strength!

Mr N had no ability to pick himself up and head downstairs–too busy wailing and flailing. I picked him up  working hard at containing MY anger. Thank goodness for the two sets of eyes watching my every move–another PAUSE of sorts. Off we went down to his room in my house screaming away. I plunked him down and said, “When you have calmed down, we can try again.”

And here is where I can honestly say I did well.

Mr N is screaming and flailing and I found myself sitting sideways in the doorway. I knew from previous experiences that closing the door just added to the turmoil via kicking…and I knew for certain my visible nearness helped him feel connected–even in the midst of doing anything he could to push me away. Connection is key.

I sat myself down and averted my eyes. I kept Mr N company–quietly and respectfully. I stayed connected and available.  I paused. Okay, so I plugged my ears for awhile, as well. And breathed. And wished for him to calm down SOON so we could move on…

Thirty minutes later (yes, thirty minutes–I had quite the time to PAUSE in that doorway!) as his screams had turned to sobs, I found I could interject (you know, in-between sobs when they try to catch their breath?) “I hear you are working at calming down. When you are ready, we can head back upstairs and try again.” Mr N knew he could have my lap if he wanted (he didn’t), he knew I wouldn’t leave…and I respected his choice to pull himself together ‘on his own.’

Then something magic happened.

Truly magic. Down the stairs came my kitty cat–“Mew, mew, mew.” I swear to you, she came down to check on Mr N and all the commotion–she really was! And I used it: “Yoda kitty! You are worried about Mr N! You are here to see how you can help.” And I picked up my fuzzy little kitty and plunked her in the room with my sobbing little friend. Mr N wrapped his arms around Yoda kitty (Yoda was not one to be snuggled, yet this time? She obliged..) and breathed in her soft fur.

Mr N, “Yoda, I love you. Yoda, I’m sad. Oh, Yoda…” And he totally calmed down. Within a minute or so he said, “I’m ready to go upstairs!” I said, “You worked hard at calming yourself down and Yoda kitty came to help!” Off we went, Lego plane was gathered up and re-built, snacks were had, and all was peaceful. Really!   

Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?

Acting as if. Having other eyes a-watching me. Knowing that Mr N needed time and space to gather himself and respecting his way of working through it all. Staying near and available. Pausing–maybe not initially, but in the end, my staying near Mr N gave me the gift of a pause so I really could feel calm. And in turn, this gave Mr N the PAUSE he needed to feel the same. Kitty cat included.

There’s my story for you. One of many. Maybe I’ll share the 13-year-old tantrum  of my daughter’s another day. Really, this is a journey we are all on–it is meant for our growth as much as it is our children’s. Respect this. Welcome every challenge and conflict as an opportunity to become a better you. Always appreciate the parts that ARE working for you–for what we focus on grows. Know you have lots of good company along this journey as a parent!

Find Alice’s books here!

Me? I am forever grateful to Yoda kitty. She has managed to change the tune of many upset moments. Mine as well as others! Mr N? He is now 12 and builds incredible Lego planes–he shared the fleet of planes he created recently. You know what he said? “Alice, I don’t care if they look just right anymore. Look what I built, just for fun!” And he was glowing.

That made all the past tantrums worth it.  More about tantrums here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/04/15/tantrums-loud-giant-frustrating/

Here’s to more peace in your household!

Enjoy.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Quit fighting! Go to your room!

September 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

“No more hitting! Go to your room!”

“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”

“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!” 

“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”

“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”

Sound familiar? Sound productive?

Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.

Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!” 

We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do.  We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out.  We tend to not listen. And  yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.

Instead they are most likely learning:

“Mom loses it when I…”  (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves).  “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”

Probably not the lessons you hoped for.  And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?

They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…

Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one. 

It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!

Here are the same examples for you:

~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.”  PAUSE.  Give space for your child to respond.  “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.”  PAUSE.  “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”

~”It’s time to go now. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?”  PAUSE.  Listen.  “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.”  Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!”  And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…

~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.”  THAT tone gets used. PAUSE.  “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?”   PAUSE.  “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…

~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.”   “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”

~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.”  PAUSE.  Space for your kids to respond.  “You both have ideas for how to play the game.”  PAUSE.  “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…

Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.

Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to  respect you, as a result.

What does this require from you?

Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.

Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.

Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.

Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.

You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?

Find Alice’s books here!

A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam