trust

Tag: trust

It’s All About Relationship

June 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

We are overwhelmed when it comes to managing, balancing, understanding our children’s online exposure. And we are very, very worried. Exasperated, too. Throwing in the towel, looking the other way, or rolling up our sleeves and diving in–probably with a lot of emotional reactivity involved. Because we are overwhelmed.

It’s one thing to limit device time. But what about all the rabbit trails, inappropriate and scary trails our children are exposed to as they, perhaps purposefully or accidentally view, say, porn or a really scary video clip, step into social media bullying, or a You Tube that really was never meant for them?

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

We can go round and round about Apps for security, turning off wifi, controlling everything our children do, blocking this, blocking that, spend hours learning about how to block this and block that. Then find out our child got involved in unhealthy online activity at a friends house, or on the playground, or at lunch with buddies, or as they scrolled through their Smart Phone in the backseat of the car. No wonder we are overwhelmed.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

Here’s the deal. No matter the extent to which you find ways to control, limit, balance all things digital and the rabbit trails awaiting any of us as we go online, it’s going to happen. Our children ARE going to be exposed to less than wonderful things. They ARE going to get upset, scared, hurt. In some ways, this has always been a part of growing, prior to being engulfed by screens. It is different now, though, for the engulfment has opened up the world and our children really aren’t developmentally READY for all of that. And it is nearly impossible to be the filter for it all that we’d like to be.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

They need to KNOW we will be right there, alongside them, listening, exploring, helping them process their feelings in healthy ways. Not punishing. Not yelling. Not hiding under the covers. Not grabbing their device and refusing to ever let them on it again.

Instead, we need to be WITH them. Listening. Sharing our concerns, as well. Sharing what we know and see and understand about too much too soon. Brainstorming what can help, what they feel they need and want to do. Be there. Calmly. Respectfully. Connected.

THIS is how children can take the overwhelming confusion and perhaps fear and (eventually) move through it in healthy ways. It doesn’t take away what they were exposed to, but with YOU as the safe, secure, compassionate resource for them, they can more likely do the processing and letting go necessary to move forward.

Any challenges in life, when dealt with within a healthy, close, loving relationship can be better navigated and more likely in the healthy ways we want the most. How WE decide to be as our child struggles is where we can influence our relationships.

We can…

…Focus first on ourselves, PAUSE (deep breath? A bit of time?), calm down our anxiety as much as possible, consider just what you really want (beyond all of this to go away!) for your child, your relationship, and THEN step back in and respond to your child. It really does make a difference, even when you find yourself doing or saying things you wish you could back track on; have a do-over for. Just the fact they are being said from a calmer, more respectful place keeps you more likely connected to your child in relationship-building ways.

…Listen, first and foremost following your PAUSE. “Tell me more” is a great way to begin your listening. Affirm their feelings. Ask them questions. Explore together what you (and they) are learning about online activity, screen use, its impact on our well-being. Consider steps you can take. Try out ones your child suggests. Be gently firm with your “no” when you need to say NO. Remember, you are the parent and saying NO is necessary at times to help your child figure out more about who s/he is.

...Take a look around your home environment and be sure exposure to devices and online activity reflects what you truly want for your child. This means taking a careful look at how you use devices, too. Our children are watching.

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

…Talk to other parents! Build your community of families who are also working hard at creating a healthy emotional and physical environment for their children–I’ve met many who have connected with parents of their kids’ friends, shared concerns, swapped ideas, and ultimately worked together to send the same messages to all their children–and it changes how those children then connect, play, live. Support is essential.

…Re-discover all your children CAN do instead of defaulting to screens. Ideas include all kinds of arts and crafts (simple and complex), beading, painting, playing music, disappearing into their room to re-organize and sort, listening to audio books, reading, redecorating their rooms, make cards and write letters, BAKE–hand a school aged child a cookbook and say GO, knit, crochet, build things, go OUTSIDE, bike, build forts, play cards, play games–board and outdoor ones, sit and daydream, pull out the Lego box…so MANY things can be done besides handing them your phone to entertain them. Yes, even in the car.

…Notice when you feel really good about your relationship with your child–those times that leave you smiling, feeling a full heart, delighting in time spent, knowing without a doubt you’ve connected with your child in a meaningful way. Notice. What we focus on grows–so let your noticing of these times encourage you to do MORE of whatever you’ve discovered about those times.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

This is the magic of TRUST. When your child can trust that you will be there to help her navigate all things in life in a calm and connected way, you now are more likely to find balancing and managing all things screens to be way less overwhelming. For everything you do will be run through the filter of RELATIONSHIP and your child will more likely make healthier, more productive, often way more FUN choices in life.

Because they have YOU.

Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for all kinds of incredible support, community, experts, guidance!

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

You are not responsible FOR your child…

April 22, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

You are not responsible FOR your children.

Stay with me, here. I know this raises a few eyebrows! All that I’m about to share comes from my growth through reading and presenting what I found to be one of the most positively impactful parenting books I’ve come across– ScreamFree Parenting, by Hal Runkel.

If you are responsible FOR your children, then you need to start right now in getting them to think, feel, and behave in the ‘right’ ways.

When they make a mistake, struggle, hurt another–if you are responsible FOR them, then you need to somehow fix their mistake, stop their struggle, make them be gentle and kind. All good, important, even necessary things for us to want for our children.

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

And yes, it may be a benefit to them to think, feel and behave as we’d like–we are the older and wiser person here. And we certainly don’t want our kids to 1) make the same mistakes we did because it really was painful for us, 2) make any mistake that might leave US in an awkward or upsetting position, and 3) do it differently from us because we do know better and are right. Right?

We care deeply for our children. We want the best for them. Hence, this really can be way more about our anxiety. Our attempt to get our child to think, feel, and behave a certain way (our way) often ends up undermining our relationship–never what any of us intend; it often ends up creating a LOUD and button-pushing household (often just what we are trying to avoid!), and certainly doesn’t help grow a child who can be responsible for themselves. Why should they, if we keep taking responsibility for them?!

What does being responsible FOR your child look like? Nagging, yelling, threatening, cajoling, avoiding, bribing…things we all do at times and I know I still catch myself doing (yep, even with adult children…:-)): “If they’d only…then I wouldn’t have to…” “Man! If I can get them to just listen to me then they wouldn’t have to (be hurt, embarrassed, fail…).”

We step into this ‘responsible for’ place because now we can or want to feel like a good parent, less embarrassed, in control, relieved…and NOT taking responsibility for them in the moment often means now dealing with our feeling like a failure, thoroughly embarrassed, totally anxious, even heartbroken. Never a whole lot of fun, and often very difficult–managing our own feelings. Hence our inclination to jump in and take responsibility for them…

It can sound like “Cut it out or I’m going to lose it!” “Ok, ok, you can have another cookie, just stop whining.” “If you’d only listened to me you wouldn’t be having this problem!” “Here, let me do it for you. It’s too hard. I don’t want you to mess up…”

It may be doing whatever it takes so they’ll get straight A’s and we can feel “I’ve done my job well; I have a smart kid; I’m a good parent; they’ll be sure to head to a good college.” Whew. Wouldn’t that make things easier? It may be doing whatever it takes to stop them from throwing a fit so you don’t feel embarrassed and instead feel in control. Ever tried making a tantruming preschooler stop? Exhausting and rarely on OUR preferred timeline :-). Or how about a tantruming teen? They are even tougher to try to make stop…

Here’s the deal.

What our kids’ ‘hear’ when we are busy taking responsibility for them is we do not have confidence in their abilities to learn and manage themselves; we cannot handle how THEY feel or behave.

Talk about rocking their world–to have the most mature person unable to handle the least mature one’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.And this often leaves US reacting in less than wonderful ways. “If they’d only get over it…cut it out…quit feeling so mad…stop all that blubbering!” Or maybe we are doing just the opposite–doing whatever we can to make them feel happy again, or doing whatever we can to make sure they don’t fall down, get hurt, lose…anything so they’ll be okay.

As a result a child may act up and push even harder to have a bit of control over their lives. Or maybe now they really don’t NEED to manage whatever the problem or struggle is, because we are so busy (and probably simultaneously complaining about) doing it for them–compliance can look this way. Or maybe they learn that treats are how to feel happy again…or perhaps never learn how to manage disappointment or an injury because we’ve always been there to rescue them, make it all “okay.”

Or maybe we are so mad because we can’t successfully get them to do what it is we want them to do or how to do it or how to feel about it that our child hides out of fear…or gives in just to (hopefully) get us to quit being so upset. Compliance can look this way, too. Crazy, isn’t it, when you think about this? And part of so many relationship struggles in our lives. Truly relationship depleting and exhausting. We do it as parents, and we do it in our marriages and friendships, too. Yes, I STILL do it, though, thankfully I’ve tipped the balance towards being responsible TO.

However…even as we are not responsible FOR our kids, we DO have tremendous responsibility as parents.

We are responsible TO our children.

We are responsible TO them for how we structure their environment–both physically and emotionally; for how we understand child development, ages and stages, their needs and how we answer those needs; and perhaps most importantly…we are responsible TO them for how WE think, feel, and behave.

When we act responsible TO our children, we are focused first on ourselves (via a PAUSE, quite often!), we are in charge of how WE think, feel, and behave rather than putting all our attention on how our children are doing the same; we take care of our own anxious feelings so those feelings are less likely to ‘lead the way’ in situations–which, with anxious feelings calmed down, leads to way more relationship building interactions. Even when that interaction is a NO.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

Now we have an opportunity to be in a position to positively influence our children to learn on their own and to motivate themselves to make healthier choices. To take responsibility for themselves. Key for growing well and into a healthy adulthood.

Now our children ‘hear’ our confidence in them, our respect for how they think and feel…they can now count on us to keep it together no matter what they do. This is where trust is built and respect nurtured…and this is how children can learn through the years to take responsibility for themselves.

You are responsible to your child. To be the adult they need you to be, to understand and trust in who your child is becoming, to give them real opportunity to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do…to grow optimally.

PAUSE. And step back today and consider first if the way you want to react is based on anxious feelings, on trying to get them to behave the ‘right’ way…or if you can instead calm your own anxiety, appreciate your deep love and concern for them, and then look at the person you are growing and intending to grow, and respond in such a way they can take a little more charge of their own selves and feel capable, respected, trusted.

This parenting deal? It is a huge, difficult, incredibly rewarding growth process for all involved. Keep your attention on what you want the most–self-directed, responsible, awesome future adults and caring relationships based on trust and respect. Easier said than done and it all begins with awareness. You can do it.

Let a PAUSE lead the way.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

PAUSE. Let it work its magic.

April 1, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Self-help Comment

I have been asked if a pause can become something that automatically arises “during a moment of heightened stimulus.”

Here are my thoughts and experience…

What we focus on grows. The more we can focus on creating a pause for ourselves when our buttons are pushed (pause in the more basic moments), the stronger our pause muscle gets…and is now far more likely to be called upon sooner and better in those challenging moments with our children; with anyone.

Then, over time and practice, this pause goes deeper–and our lives change. We find we trust more. We let go sooner. We feel steadier and a quiet confidence in all/much of what we do. We no longer need to feel “in control” of another or of a situation.

As a result, those moments of “heightened stimulus?” They don’t feel so heightened any more

. Sometimes they don’t even land on our radar screen. Ultimately, there are fewer and fewer of them because of the ripple out effect our ability to come from a pause has on those around us. Especially our children.

I do think this takes a lot of growth to get to the point of it “simply arising during a moment of heightened stimulus.” Or get to the point of much less “heightened stimuli.” It is more about our ability to recognize the need to pause and then actively doing so that is what is most important. To live from this pause place–calmer, listening more deeply, taking our time, waiting for a bit…

This becomes more natural, it becomes more regular, it becomes part of our physical response to anxiety-provoking stress. And now stress no longer has to feel debilitating. Instead, it is something we can recognize as an important part of what helps us get better, be better…grow. It is a reminder to care for ourselves and another from a place of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today.

If you want more on PAUSE you can check these stories of others PAUSE experiences. Mine, included! Enjoy 🙂

My Own Story of PAUSE

Migraines, Laundry, and a PAUSE

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Easy to Miss, Important to Catch

March 21, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

You know, those moments, seemingly inconsequential, that, if we are present and we catch them, life with our children flows more smoothly…

It is all about tipping the balance, never perfection 🙂 . As we tip the balance to catching these easy to miss moments, we can communicate “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are important.” When we miss them? We often (and rarely intentionally) communicate the opposite. Tipping the balance equals relationship-building. Reaching for the impossible perfection merely leaves us with the guilt we mothers are so good at feeling, undermining us once again–because, well…we will miss these moments at times.

Moments such as…

…Your toddler is happily eating her raisins, one at a time, as he rides in the grocery cart. Great! You are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.

All of a sudden the whole raisin container FLIES as your toddler flings her arms out, her back arched, her previously pleasant chatting turning to LOUD hollering. And grocery shopping comes to an end…

When we catch that moment of our toddler getting antsy, less focused, shifting in her seat and ready for a change, we are more likely to connect in a way that answers her need. “You are done with the raisins. Would you like…?” Or maybe, “I can see you are wiggling around more and more. Would you like to get out and walk a bit?” Or perhaps, “I know. This store trip is getting long, isn’t it? Let’s sing a song…”

Then you playfully sing, “Looking for the canned tomatoes, looking high and low. Going to see if we can find them, going off to buy them…” or some silly rendition that you know will bring your toddler’s attention back to just where you need it to be. It might just work long enough for you to finish; it might not. Either way, connection is at the forefront for you are fully present to all those little messages your child gives…

…You’re at the park with your child and another child runs up to say, “Wanna play?” and YES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.

When we catch that moment we find ourselves smiling, nodding, giving a little wave. And our child feels our connection; they feel our encouragement; they feel our “It’s OKAY.” Off they continue to run…or maybe they don’t. Maybe they turn around and come back to you, for they feel stronger from the inside out and ABLE to recognize how they feel and what to do. All because you caught that moment.

…Your kids are happily roaring around the house as you scramble to get dinner going so everyone can be fed on time and out the door for the night’s event. You are rather frantically mixing things, answering texts from your spouse, pushing the dog out from underfoot, and remembering the laundry that has to be switched so kids have what they need to be ready to go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.

When we catch that moment of transition–when we HEAR the first “DON’T!”–and pause long enough to notice what is happening, we are more likely able to respond in such a way that our children no longer have to end up in a puddle of a mess–they will feel the connection with us that can make all the difference in the world.

Maybe it comes via an affirmation from you, “It sounds like you guys are having some trouble.” Maybe what you notice is the unfairness of one child wrecking something the other one had worked hard on and you say so. “Wow. How upsetting that is, to choose to break apart her Lego creation. She worked so hard on it.” Now you are available to let all the feelings unload in a more productive, albeit probably LOUD, way. Now you are more likely able to influence the direction this goes that allows dinner and laundry to happen, family fed and out the door without everyone becoming a total wreck. You’ve allowed connection to be felt.

What does this require from you?

***PAUSE–strengthening your PAUSE muscle so you CAN slow down–mentally if not physically–and find yourself far more aware of these moments.

***Self care. Always. Remember those little bits you can do that truly are a deposit? Keep ’em going!

***Being Tech Intentional so your devices are rarely a distraction.

***Having eyes on the back of your head and your “Mama’s Sixth Sense” ON

***Patience. Which comes from all those little self-care deposits you treat yourself with! And the PAUSE you practice 🙂

***Loads of GRACE for yourself for all the times you wish you had a do-over.

Easy to miss, important to catch. No longer inconsequential because you catch them, more often than not. Tip the balance. Let go of perfection. Here’s to you today as you work at staying tuned to all those little moments…in the long run, it is worth it.

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Power of Role Modeling

November 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A proud mama moment that hopefully can encourage you to keep on role-modeling, for our children really DO pick things up from us:

A young teen invited to join her 21-year-old cousin for a day trip to Seattle’s Pike Place Market.

A 21-year-old aware of how her young cousin is directed in all things in life by well-meaning parents wanting to make sure she thinks, feels, and does things the ‘right’ way (their way).

A young teen who is quiet, compliant, rarely decisive about what she’d like to do. Her older cousin wanting very much to encourage her to take charge of herself and be decisive. Her older cousin wanting to ‘deposit’ into her relationship with her young teen cousin and really make a difference in her life. (That right there is enough to make a mama proud…)

Here’s what left me feeling such gratefulness that my daughter not only has heard me, but believes in what I do and strives to walk a similar route because she sees how essential it is for another to grow well:

“Mom, you know that “responsible to and responsible for”

thing you talk about–that we aren’t responsible for how another thinks, feels, and behaves?”

“Yes…” (Wow, I’m thinking…I had no idea she’d paid attention to this…)

“Well, it was really tough at the Pike Place Market with cousin, because I couldn’t tell if she was wanting to be there, if she was enjoying it, what she wanted to do. I remembered that I didn’t need to take responsibility for her experience…I decided to let go of needing to know if she was having fun or not and focus on having fun, period.”

And what unfolded was an older cousin letting her younger cousin know that “I love the comic store here and I could take hours in it–so when you are ready to move on, let me know!” “I’d like to visit the candy store–do you want to join me?” “What part of the Pike Place do you want to be sure to see?”

She avoided saying, “Are you sure…?” to any of her young cousin’s “I don’t know…I guess so…maybe…(shrug shoulders)” answers. She instead respected her enough to accept it at face value and let her young cousin know instead what SHE was going to do–giving her young cousin the opportunity to decide for herself whether or not to join in.

What did the 21-year-old communicate by letting go of taking

responsibility for her young cousin’s experience?

I believe she communicated respect. I believe she communicated “I trust you to know just what it is you’d like to do.” I believe she communicated her confidence in her young teen’s ability to be decisive–to make a choice and manage the results of her choice. I believe this 21-year-old gave her young cousin the opportunity to learn a little more about herself and what she likes and doesn’t like–truly part of growing a self-directed adult who can be decisive.

What did the 21-year-old learn?

That she can manage her OWN discomfort over not knowing whether the person with her is having fun–and that is huge. Instead of letting her discomfort lead the way and start trying to do whatever she could to make sure her young cousin was having fun, she calmed her anxiety down and instead just focused on enjoying herself–something she could control, something she was responsible for–herself.

What might the young teen have learned?

I believe she had the opportunity to learn to trust herself a bit more. To discover what she likes and doesn’t like, to feel safe with and accepted by her cousin, to ultimately learn more about herself, her abilities, her feelings, her desires. And maybe even realize she CAN be decisive about what she wants!

The result? The two of them had a nice and satisfying afternoon exploring all the shops at the Pike Place Market. They grew closer as cousins. Memories were made. And maybe, just maybe this young teen cousin felt the confidence communicated by her older cousin and will let this nudge her forward as she grows her ability to be decisive, to take charge of herself, to decide on her own what she likes, what is her responsibility, what she can do…to really know herself from the inside out. (She has some pretty awesome older cousins role-modeling just this as they spend time with her. How cool is that?)

I am proud of (both!) my daughter’s ability to observe, listen, and decide on their own to embrace much of what I do. To try it on for size and see how it feels. To notice the difference it can make in relationships. To live it for themselves. To connect with and encourage others by just being true to what they believe. This leaves me smiling from the inside out!

My moment to share with you.

Now go role-model just what you believe in. Know that your children–no matter their age–are absorbing your actions.

They are listening. They are learning from you every moment of the day. Make it a gift to them and show them how you live just what you believe. It is important. It is necessary. In time (maybe a l.o.n.g time!) you will see the results of all your hard work.

And it can put a smile on your face and in your heart and fill you with joy…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm, Consistent, and Connected

July 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.

Key for building healthy, strong, respectful relationships and children who can cooperate and collaborate; children who can truly be in charge of themselves in ever increasing ways…children who can thrive.

When we keep our promise by following through calmly with what we say we’ll do, our kids now can count on us--they can count on what we say we will do. THIS is how trust is built and is key for a healthy and strong relationship. Whether it is following through with a promised treat, a lost privilege, or walking alongside them through the result of a choice they made–no matter how they choose to behave. And oh yes, there is where it can get hard!

Keep in mind the PAUSE that is essential so you really can be calm and connected as you help them along, despite BIG feelings, buttons being pushed, a puddle of a tantrum thrown.

Ideas for you directly from my book (and where more can be found!), “Parenting Inspired”:

~”You carried your plate all the way to the counter! Now you are ready to play our family game. Let’s go get daddy and brother to join us!”

~”I can see it is too hard to keep the milk in the cup or swallowed down to your tummy. Time to be all done.” And the cup gets put away as you stay (or act-as-if!) matter-of-fact and maybe even lighthearted as the beginnings of a tantrum rear up…or jello legs and arched back occur… 🙂

~”You buckled all by yourself! Now we can go. Let’s go drive drive drive to the library and choose LOTS of new books!”

~”You really don’t want to be buckled at all. Time to buckle and be safe. I will do it for you.” And you can sing-song your way through what might be a struggle, commenting as-if just to yourself about how at the library (where perhaps you are headed) you KNOW there is some way-cool books about bugs, buses, or monsters–whatever your little one is fascinated by! Then letting go of whether they get interested in your musings or choosing to still be MAD.

~“All ready! Thank you for gathering your jacket and backpack. We are headed out on time!” And now you and your child get to share funny stories or a yummy snack because all is good as you drive down the road…and you let them know how much you enjoy this!

~“It seems it’s too hard for you to get your backpack ready. It’s time to go.” And off you go, perhaps minus the backpack (and now your child has the opportunity to discover that minus his backpack he doesn’t have his lunch or homework, hopefully influencing him the next morning to be more likely to gather all he needs…). Or maybe WITH the backpack and little to no attention on the fact that you grabbed it, giving your child the opportunity to still feel grumpy and slow as molasses about having to go…rather than focusing on how you’ll take care of packing the backpack for her :-).

~”Thank you for coming home by eight. I appreciate you respecting the rules. Now, tell me all about your evening! I’m excited to hear what you and your buddy ended up doing for the project you are working on…”

~”You chose to come home late. I can tell you had a great time, but know that my car will be off limits to you until Sunday.” And on Saturday when your teen is begging for the car? You get to understand his frustration, reiterate that on Sunday he is welcome to use it once again, and ask him if there is another solution to his feeling stuck without it…keeping the loss of your car entirely his responsibility.

~”You chose one more turn! Thank you for being ready to head upstairs. Now we may have time for an extra book or two tonight. Which ones do you want to read?”

~”Two more turns just didn’t feel like enough. I can tell you are disappointed. It is time to head upstairs. I can carry you or you can run up as fast as you can!” And with that light sense of humor in place you choose to be a slithery snake headed up the stairs…or a mama octopus with so many arms to wrap around your writhing child as you then put your attention to what the upstairs has awaiting… 🙂

What does this require from us?

Clarity on what we want them to learn about in the long and short run.

Our ability to be OKAY in the big feelings that may erupt. That’s where PAUSE comes in!

Our patience as we have to do some of this over and over again.

Our ability to affirm out loud just what it is we want more of.

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through. What a way to communicate “You can trust me and count on me.” What a way to say, “I hear you and I understand.”

What a way to help a child learn a bit more about

themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.

Today, let your child know they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do--calmly, matter-of-factly, lightheartedly…maybe even with a twinkle in your eye, if you can. At the minimum, with a PAUSE in place so you can step in with calm connection leading the way no matter how YOU feel!

Find a collection of my work to inspire you as you strive to parent well here: “Parenting Through Relationship.”

Here’s to you!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

My Own Struggles

May 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Something I want to be clear about is how I came to my continual mantra of respectful parenting.

Maybe you think I’ve done it “right” as I’ve raised my two daughters. Maybe you think, “Oh man, if I can only live those words Alice speaks of…” Or perhaps you throw up your arms and think you could never step into pausing and calming yourself enough to let go of trying to control your child so you can feel better.

Well, let me be clear that I am where I am and share the insights and wisdom I share BECAUSE of all my struggle at control.

Controlling my daughters in such a way that they were sure to excel. That way I could feel like a success!

Controlling my husband in such a way that he’d parent the way I wanted him to…because, of course, how I did it was the right way. Right?

Controlling my daughters so they wouldn’t make mistakes that I’d feel uncomfortable with. Like teen pregnancy. Or drugs and alcohol. Or a speeding ticket. Or failing a class. Or failing at a sport. Failing, period.

I struggled, just like you. I shared recently Dr Justin Coulson’s video clip “How to Raise an Independent Child with the Right Values”–all about building great relationships. It’s important.

You know where I didn’t struggle? With my babies and toddlers. Preschool age sorta threw me–it’s that control thing. Preschoolers are all about “out-of-bounds” in everything they think, feel, and do–demanding greater autonomy. I was all about growing independent future adults.

My way.

And preschool years helped me grow a bit (alot)…learn just what kind of autonomy was important at that age.

Then I was challenged GREATLY once again come teen years. And it took my eldest showing me the way as I (eventually) learned to let go a bit more.

I had a choice–to wreck my relationship with her or to continue to build it in positive ways.

I had to let go. I had to get clear about all of her strengths and abilities and then TRUST her. Trust my influence. Let go of my control. It wasn’t necessarily pretty at times. And other times? It was wonderful. She was an amazing Practice Child. Her sister reaped at least some of the benefits…though of course, she brought new challenges to the table… 🙂

I worked at myself, for that is what all of this parenting is about. Growing ourselves so we can step in respectfully, as the positive influence we’d like to be, being sure to deposit into the kind of relationship we want the most.

I learned that “failing” is okay. That really, this is where amazing growth emerges. Failing. Struggle. Name it how you’d like, it is all about helping us do the growing we need to do. From the inside-out.

I’m still a work in progress. I’m still working at letting go, of controlling myself instead of others. I work hard at being present, period. Present to whom I am with, where I am at, how I am feeling, what I am thinking.

**Parenting requires our growth. You can do it.**

I did, have, and continue to.

All that I write? It comes from STRUGGLE. My struggle. I share my work and words that have come as a result of my struggle because I KNOW the difference it makes, how important it is, how we all need encouragement and support to live and parent well.

Relationships are important. You can have GREAT ones. They matter. To you, your child, our world. Let’s do them well. So here’s to you. And me. May my words continue to lift and inspire you…or at least bring you a bit of a smile and a lot of relief.

I care.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Hold My Hand, Please

May 5, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It was beautiful to watch. The “dance” I saw between a mama and a 2.5-year old.

It was time to cross a busy parking lot. Mama stopped on the sidewalk back from the curb a bit, looked down at her son and said, “It’s time to cross the parking lot. Hold my hand, please.”

And toddler did what toddlers do best.

“NO.”

Mama paused, tried again to no avail. Then she did what I consider a lovely thing. She knelt down next to her son and said, “Look. See the cars driving? We need to hold hands to be safe. When you are ready to take my hand, we will head to our car.”

And she stayed right there, knelt down, next to her son just waiting quietly, calmly. Mr Toddler shifted from one foot to another. He watched all the cars. Mama waited in this pause mode of hers. Now and again she pointed out the busy cars. Always she had her hand resting on her toddler, just in case.

Then toddler did just as I expected he would–he reached up with his hand for Mama to hold and they walked across the parking lot together. Mama let him know, “Thank you. You are ready to go!”

Why did I expect this, rather than the toddler who suddenly takes off and runs? Because of the way Mama was quiet, calm, and respectful. I could tell this was her norm; I could tell her son felt her calm connection. He, as a result of Mama’s calm, was way more focused on studying the busy cars that his Mama called his attention to, rather than reacting as a result of being told what to do.

He trusted her; she trusted him. What a beautiful dance.

I caught up to them and I told this mother what a lovely moment that was to watch, her respectful way of being with her son, her ability to pause, be clear about his choices, and wait a bit for him to be ready. Her eyes sparkled and she shared, “Being my third child, I think I finally figured it out!” And we both laughed.

I share because of the simplicity. I share because of how powerful pausing really is for all involved. It always communicates respect. Mama, instead of just picking up her son or grabbing his hand to hurry along the way, waited just long enough for him to feel capable and competent in HIS decision making. The cool thing? How this–in time and over time–makes your job as a parent easier. Calm connection. It is powerful and it is the result of pausing.

When we can take a bit more time to gently and respectfully connect with our child, magic can happen. When we can PAUSE and consider what we want in the long run, the big picture, down the road a bit, we can more likely step in and create this respectful, calm connection that has a child listening, learning, understanding, and cooperating–maybe in time, maybe after doing this day in and day out. Maybe after raising your first two Practice Children 🙂

With a PAUSE muscle strengthened, life really does slow down a bit, relationships feel stronger, JOY is more readily experienced. What a gift to you, to your child. When we can tip the balance to parent with a PAUSE in place, it matters way less those times when, instead of kneeling down and talking a bit, you scoop them up and get where you need to go no matter their wiggles and hollers. It matters way less those times we just don’t PAUSE.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Today, tip the balance. PAUSE, kneel down, take a bit of time with your child. Connect–calmly, respectfully. Then do it again, tomorrow. And again. You will see the magic begin to unfold.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Keep Your Promises

February 11, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.

How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)

How often do you find yourself saying:

…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.

…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”

…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…

…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…

…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!

…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).

…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.

…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.

What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.

Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.

Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.

What does this require from us?

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”

What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.

Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm. It isn’t easy.

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm.

It’s easy when things are going well, kids are getting along, life isn’t hectic. It’s easy when you can plug your ears, shut your eyes, disappear as necessary :-). It’s easy when you feel rested, nourished, even energized. Things go better, more smoothly. Maybe even those times where calm is had by locking yourself in the bathroom for a bit–heck, at least you aren’t in the midst of the crazy! A bit of self-care…

Calm is hard, often. And when it’s hard, being that positive influence can go out the window. Those are the times you wish for do-overs–later, when you’ve had time to think, to take a break. Those are the times you end up in a puddle of tears along with your child.

So how DO you become that calm, positive influence your child needs the most in order to grow well?

Exercise and strengthen your PAUSE muscle. It sounds easy, right?

Practicing your ability to, when your button has been pushed and the heat rises in you, stop…take a moment or a few hours (!). Breathe, count to ten (or a hundred!), walk away, do something that helps you create a bit of space so you can first focus on yourself. Calm yourself down–even an iota. THEN step in and respond to your child, rather than react. Sounds simple.

It is. And it isn’t. Like any habit, it takes practice. Grace for all those times you don’t pause first. Patience as you strengthen a new and powerful skill. It can be easier in some situations. These are the ones worth noticing, appreciating, and practicing. For me, it was easiest to pause and create a bit of space (physically, mentally, whatever) when I felt in a rush to get out the door and my girls were dragging their toes. This irritated me, but it didn’t push any big button in me. So this is where I practiced…taking a deep breath, letting go a bit about lateness, and using as even-keeled a voice as I could to e-a-s-e us out the door…and the more I could do this, the less they dragged their toes!

Knowing I could pause successfully and positively influence my girls at these times gave me the encouragement I needed as I worked at pausing during the really tough moments for me–teen resistance, push-back, sarcasm, eye-rolling, foot stomping, you name it (oh, door slamming, too). It isn’t a smooth road forward, this pausing. It is much more of a roller coaster. The trick is to keep focusing on when pausing has worked for you, when you’ve felt better about what could have been a challenge or struggle and wasn’t; when you’ve felt good about keeping it together even as your child loses it.

Notice these times, for in them you paused. You were able to step in calmer…and in doing so, you created the connection your child needed in order to navigate whatever the moment held. Or if not that particular moment (you know, those times you did well at being calm and your child still spiraled to the Nth degree?), know that the more you DO step in with a pause and calm connection, the more likely IN TIME things will be navigated better, more smoothly.

This is being that positive influence they need the most in order to grow well. This is being the adult your child needs you to be in order to feel safe in the midst of BIG feelings. This is how trust is built. THIS is what grows those respectful relationships we all want. This is relationship-building.

Here’s my pause story for you from when my eldest first taught me how.

It goes waaay back about 17 years…and yes, I am STILL working on strengthening my ability to PAUSE! The amazing thing is how my work at pausing has impacted all my relationships in uplifting ways–truly. It can for you, too.

If you’d like more help, my book PAUSE is a wonderful resource for you. Check it, and my other two books, out right here: https://www.denaliparentcoaching.com/books/

Meanwhile, here’s to YOU and your growing ability to PAUSE. What a gift to your children! What a gift to all your relationships.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2021 Alice Hanscam

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

The Difference Trust Makes

October 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

How would YOU feel if…

...you knew without a doubt when you needed something you received it? That even if you had to wait a bit, this knowing made the wait okay?

…you could absolutely 100% count on another? Always? No matter what?

…the most important person in your life truly delighted with great JOY in and with you?

…the most important person in your life surrounded your Great Big Sad with a gentle, understanding presence?

…you were given all the time you needed to make sense out of life and the reassurance of trusted company along the way?

I believe you’d feel STRONG. I know I would. Strong from the inside out. Better able to sort through feelings. Aware of what makes you tick and accepting yourself. Able to relate well with others, for you understand their needs and feelings, too.

You’d be able to TRUST. The foundation for all healthy living and relationships.

I’ve watched many Mamas and Papas over the years and have had the privilege of seeing many children grow into strong and healthy adults from this base of respect, care, love our little ones need from us. And I’ve seen the pain and conflict that happens—the lack of trust in themselves, the world, another-–that can undermine just about everything when this kind of respectful relating and trust building is missed.

This solid foundation of trust? It is initially built in infancy. How we respectfully answer our baby’s needs. How we understand they need us nearby for them to check in with–visually and physically. How we watch and listen and put words to their actions and feelings. How we let them know what needs to happen before we do it. How we ask them if they are ready, or hungry, or sleepy and then respond accordingly. How we PAUSE often to first observe.

And it is essential all through childhood.

It’s tough to do when you have a life of work, school, appointments, multiple kids and maybe a missing partner and whatever and all other challenges.

It requires us to slow it down in whatever way we can.

It has us strengthening our ability to be fully present–even for just a few moments.

It asks us to be clear and intentional about how we want the future to look–not just the next hour. Or minute. Though there are times when that really is all we can do–look to the next minute. And yet, we can be intentional with just how we handle that next minute.

It is about taking time. Taking time to build relationships

that can feel strong from the inside out.

This can happen no matter how intensely HARD our life is. It can happen…

…in the midst of the RUSH by pausing for a few extra seconds to really look at your little one and let them know it is a rush and together you will get through it.

…as you just once today are able to actually PAUSE and respond from a place of calm.

…at family dinner time–even if it is the ONLY time you are together and present.

…as you sit to nurse–and you choose to ONLY sit and nurse rather than scroll through your phone and catch up on texts, emails, social media. Or maybe read to your preschooler as your baby nurses…all snuggled up together.

…in the car as you sing, talk, and listen; on a walk as you pay less attention to how far you are getting and more to what your child is curious about; at a doctor appointment as you talk and read together while in the waiting room; at day-care drop off as you take the extra minutes to respectfully transition your child with care and attention; even in the long and frustrating line at the store as you play I Spy, or finger games, or just wiggle your eyebrows at each other…

Taking time. Building trust so your little one

CAN count on you. Depositing as often as you can into the kind

of relationship you want the most.

Today, deposit. Communicate to your little one in whatever way you can in your situation that they CAN count on you. Take a moment to really watch them. Listen to them. Have a conversation with them. Share JOY, sad, mad, success, a nap, a bath, a book, a moment. It all counts.

Know that by doing so you are giving them exactly what they need in order to grow well–strong, from the inside out. What a gift to our children. What we focus on grows.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All That Button Pushing…

July 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Welcome the testing your children do.

Really! I know it sounds like just the opposite of what you feel as your child pushes your button, resists your directions, does something over and over again “just to bug you.” Yet…

Here’s the deal. When we can welcome this testing in, it becomes an opportunity for growth. And growth really is the thing to shoot for, despite the hard of it all. The testing they do is an essential part of growing strong–in themselves and in their relationships. As Hal Runkel of Screamfree Parenting says, “How we handle stress and conflict is where relationships are born.” And oh YES, most definitely their testing creates stress and conflict 🙂

Okay. So our children are supposed to test us–this is their job and it shows just how much growing and changing they are working hard at doing. What exactly does “welcome it in” look like? What exactly is OUR job?

To pass their test.

Our children NEED us to be dependable, stable, calm and confident as much as possible. When we can be–no matter how they decide to feel or behave–we have now just passed their test and shown them they can count on us to BE dependable, stable, calm and confident.

What a way to grow the trust and respect essential

for relationships to flourish. What a way to strengthen the foundation of trust that is absolutely key for all future growing.

Show them the way through all their ups and downs as the responsible to parent–the one who doesn’t NEED them to “behave” in order to feel in control and a good parent and instead can be calm and confident (acting-as-if as necessary!) as you provide them with clear expectations, choices, affirmation of feelings, and always kind and consistent follow through.

Remember–all this growth is a process that takes time, repetition, and loads of patience 🙂

Know that it is okay–and necessary–to be gently firm and decisive when your child needs it the most. To say, “Looks like it’s too hard for you to choose. I will decide for now…” and you do. Doing so with your calm and matter-of-fact self in place is what keeps it a relationship-building, respectful, learning opportunity exchange. A time for real growth.

Welcome your child’s feelings as their OWN--valid, valued and affirmed. No need to stifle:“You don’t need to cry, honey!”; no need to fix: “Here! This will stop you from crying!”; no need to avoid: “I can’t handle this!” as you disappear down the hall…). Instead, name and affirm: “I know you are disappointed, mad, sad…” And then show them what they can do with their feelings, or give them the respectful space (PAUSE!) they need to process. You’ll probably find it’ll help you do the same for yourself.

Put your attention to what you want the most–lessen your attention to the negative behavior and intentionally focus on the neutral and positive ones. As you stand there in front of a Testy Two or Teen, instead of admonishing what they just did:“No no! Dumping all the cat food on the living room floor is NOT okay!” or “How many times have I TOLD you to clean up after yourself..?!”…

…try reflecting back what just happened: “Oh! You poured all the cat food onto the living room floor.” Uh-oh! “I noticed all your dirty dishes from breakfast are still on the table…”, or let your eyes twinkle a bit as you roll up your sleeves, kneel down next to your Testy Two and say softly, “You know, all that kitty food needs to be in our kitty’s bowl so she can eat. Shall we scoop it with our hands or get a big spoon to put it in the bowl?”; or maybe that twinkle for your Testy Teen looks like this, “Hmmmm!” as you look at the dishes and then at your teen, and let your eyes sparkle a bit.

Or maybe it is about communicating clearly and calmly what it is they can expect as a result of their choice—“It’ll be my job feeding the kitty today. I can see it is just too tempting for you to dump her food out–dumping things is just so fun! Let’s go find things you can practice all your dumping with…” “You know honey, I’m always happy to put together a snack for you and I’d appreciate some help on your end with your dishes. Let me know when they are cleaned up and we can fix something tasty!”

Most importantly, let PAUSE step up for you each and every day–notice how it influences relationships, situations, feelings. PAUSE, calm yourself, think about what you want the most, and then respond based on what you really want, rather than the circumstances or emotions of the moment.

What a gift to all relationships!

Real and meaningful connection leads the way as you connect from the calm, steady, dependable place your child needs.

You’ve passed their test.

Welcome the testing your child does. There is so much learning and growth just waiting to happen. THIS is where relationships are born, strengthened, grown. You and your child are worth the hard work their job of testing creates.

And NOW? Go take care of YOUR self. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account regularly–a minute here, a minute there adds up and can give you the patience, resilience, strength to carry on through all the HARD of parenting.

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Gentle Discipline

June 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Gentle discipline. Sometimes a rather confusing pair of words.

Kind, firm, clear, and affirming–guidance at its best. From this emerges truly respectful parenting and deeply connected relationships. Yet “gentle discipline” can be hard to understand…

It can be mistaken as perhaps ignoring negative behavior in the hopes of it going away, or letting kids “run the show” entirely, or just wondering what it really means when it comes to productively guiding our children. Gentle discipline isn’t about letting our children run amok. It isn’t about trying to keep our children from making mistakes, behaving poorly, testing us. It isn’t about hiding out hoping things will just get better on their own (though we all wish that at times…)

Gentle discipline is about guiding our children calmly, patiently, clearly, respectfully—answering their needs and showing them the way. It is about being direct when you say, “I won’t let you (fill in the blank).” It is about acknowledging their feelings and what they are doing, “It makes you mad…you feel frustrated when…I can see you are sad about…” It is about knowing when to listen with only an occasional, “Mmmhmmm. Tell me more…”

Gentle discipline is about respect, trust in the process growth is, lots and lots of practice, and clarity on our part for just what we want our children to learn–and then show them.

It is about matter-of-factly walking alongside them as they learn that sharp knives are for grown-ups and if they need to cut something, a butter knife is for them. And then giving them the opportunity to use a butter knife. Equally, knowing when they are ready to handle a small paring knife and give them the opportunity to do so.

It is about calmly but firmly stopping the hitting and then letting them know what they CAN hit, that using their words is far more effective, that it is time to take a break to calm down. And then giving them the opportunity to try again…including helping them find the words that may be necessary, “You’d like the next turn. Can you let your brother know?” Along with a bit of company as they have to wait, “What would you like to do while you wait?”

It is about affirming how frustrated they feel as they struggle with something, asking them questions about what they could do, letting them know clearly and decisively “I will stop you…” as needed. And following through with your words, always. All done with calm and gentle leading the way. What a way to build trust. And trust is the foundation for living well.

It is about being curious and looking for all that IS working and appreciating it out loud and often. “I noticed how gently you pet the cat. She purrrrrred with delight!” “Thank you for buckling up. You are ready to go!” “Wow. That took a lot of concentration. I noticed.” What we focus on grows, so putting our attention to what we want more of is essential.

As we do so, “discipline” takes on a whole new meaning.

Now it is about helping our children learn to manage themselves rather than us taking the responsibility for continuing

to manage them.

The more we let go of seeing ‘discipline’ as problems we have to fix, children we have to get to do things a certain way, punishment to bestow, and INSTEAD see it as the growth and learning opportunities it always is, we will discover fewer and fewer times that our children actually act out. Why?

Because they will learn to manage themselves, be able to truly count on us, and will feel understood, respected, and trusted. Our children know we are their encouragers, supporters, and guides. They trust us. They feel SAFE.

Gentle discipline requires us to PAUSE, be as clear and decisive as possible, be present and focused in the moment, and to welcome all behavior as opportunities for growth. And maybe most importantly, to take care of ourselves along the way–including giving ourselves a bit of grace as we step into really tough places and feel like we’ve blown it. You see, it is about OUR growth, as well .

It also asks for us to be curious about our child’s antics rather than judgmental. It asks us to have a sense of humor, a lightness about the antics that will definitely occur, an understanding that all learning takes time. Take time to PAUSE today, and look for the possibilities of growth, what already is working, for something you can appreciate in all the craziness. Doing so really is essential for continuing to parent well, gently, respectfully.

And the really cool thing?

As you do so, parenting can actually get easier

and your relationships stronger.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

To Cry or Not to Cry

April 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional 2 Comments

To cry or not to cry.

This really can stir up worry and anxiety for many parents of babies. Whether it is in regards to sleep or any other part of the day. And we hear different things from all different parenting styles–making it all the more concerning and confusing.

I’ve heard the range from:

“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep” to“Babies should never cry” to“What do I do when she cries!”

I listen to those solid in their choice of certain ways to parent–from Peaceful Parenting to Positive Parenting to Attachment Parenting to whatever other styles there are out there, and I hear passionate voices all speaking to what feels right to them–yet in reality it can be so different from parent to parent, family to family, child to child.

I am most concerned about all the parents who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and uncertain over their choices, perhaps feeling like a bad parent as yet again, their baby cries, or yet again there’s been a rough night of lack of sleep or a day that felt like nothing you did helped your baby settle.

And I’m truly concerned about the tendency we have to declare there is only one right way to be with our baby—that my style is the right style and you are doing it all wrong. What a way to undermine our confidence, to muddy the waters, to make it more difficult to navigate what can be an overwhelming experience–to discover what truly works for us, our family, our circumstance, our baby.

Babies cry. It is a form of communication.

It alerts us to a need–perhaps companionship, feeling overwhelmed, hungry, wet, tired. And it is essential we respond–and it is in how we respond that influences just what we want to grow the most.

Consider this–what do you want most to communicate to your baby? Fast forward to preschool years, where do you want to be as their naturally volcanic feelings erupt daily? Fast forward to teen years and think about what you hope for the most–self-direction? Ability to manage the emotional upheavals inherent in teen years? Able to feel capable and in charge and strong in their selves?

It begins with your baby. They cry. Our job? To use these early and simpler experiences to grow our ability to be comfortable in their upset, to set the foundation for them to learn to be in upset and to manage it well. Find a way to move the anxiety it stirs up over, the lack of confidence over…and step into the cry gently, respectfully.

It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about

learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.

How does this look? Perhaps:

“I hear you. You are upset. What is it you need?” as you rest a hand on their body, draw in near, use a quiet and gentle voice.

“Is your diaper wet? Shall we change you?” “Are you feeling hungry? Let’s see what we can do about that.”

“You are really upset. I wonder if it is all the commotion around you that makes it hard for you. Let’s move into a quieter place and see if that helps.”

“You woke and need a little help re-settling. I’m here. Let’s see what can help you head back into sleep.”

And maybe they still cry, and you try something else. It is a process and it is meant to be respectful…and it is meant to communicate to your baby that they are heard, you are near, they can feel safe–even if upset, and that you have confidence in their growing ability to soothe themselves.

Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.

My two girls were entirely different–the first, mellow, rarely cried–she was the one at 7-months who woke in her crib with vomit all over, grinning from ear to ear at me. Her cries only came when she was REALLY sad or uncomfortable and it was clear what she needed. She was easy to soothe…our company and answering her need was all that was necessary.

My second? She cried her first two hours of life, wanting nothing but to cry. And her tears flowed easily and often as a baby–sometimes leaving me a bit at a loss as to just what it was she truly needed, other times being quite clear what pushed her upset button. Those unclear times? I just kept asking, watching, and respecting that she just needed to cry…talking soothingly and moving slowly seemed to really help her re-center.

As young adults? So similar to their baby selves! The eldest tends to let things roll off her back, grinning through even the tough times–until she’s had enough and the feelings pour out; the youngest shares her strong feelings about many things quite often, leaving me sometimes missing what really is pushing her upset button. Just like when they were little. And I know they both feel respected for how they move through life and how they manage their upset in ways that work for them. I like to believe it is in big part because we respected their cries from day one.

Babies cry and it is okay.

Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn

more about who they are.

And trust that how you respond can help grow the strong foundation for their future ability to manage their feelings well. You, too–for becoming a parent demands we grow ourselves–and these cries are our opportunity to get started. You no longer need to feel overwhelmed–your baby will help you discover what works, trust this.

It really is okay.

For more about babies you may like: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/11/babies-capable-and-competent-from-birth/and be sure to check out Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care http://www.janetlansbury.com for a rich library of articles to help you grow your ability to parent your little one respectfully. She is wonderful!

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired”

PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader

Continue…

Faith in Your Self as a Parent

January 6, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I was asked recently, prior to speaking to a group of parents, if my work is faith-based.

I paused.

I’ve been asked this before. From groups, from individual parents. I consider my answer with care, for faith (or religion, as this question really is about) can both be inclusive as well as quite exclusive. And the work I do is meant to include all.

Here’s what I know. My work is about helping each of you grow your faith in yourselves. To help you each become clearer about what it is you truly want, how you understand your child, what kinds of relationships you intend to grow, and to feel more confident and certain in your self as a parent. To trust yourself. Even and most especially when you have no clear direction to take with whatever struggle you are facing.

So yes, my work is faith based because it is about strengthening you from the inside out. Strengthening your ability to trust the direction or actions you choose to take; to have faith in what unfolds as you parent from this more intentional place; to trust that your work at parenting from a strong-inside-you self will deposit soundly and wonderfully into your relationships; to know with certainty (and a bit of relief?!), as you plow through the tough times, that these, too, shall pass. Trusting that these tough times will help all involved to grow.

Think about this. Every single struggle you have with your children–from sleep issues to behavior issues to school challenges to pottying to sharing to disrespect and on–asks you to PAUSE, first and foremost. To reflect on your child’s needs. To think about what it is you really want. To consider what you can do more of or do differently. To understand just what is healthy and just what it is that is important in your family. To, most importantly, take care of your own feelings.

It requires you to begin first with yourself.

What if, no matter the challenge, YOU felt certain and confident in how you chose to act? That you confidently entered into the button pushing, sarcasm, refusal to listen, etc, feeling calm and certain that this can be evolved toward healthy and productive behavior and relationships?

Or maybe not confident, and instead TRUSTING. Trusting that the action you take will move you and your child forward in positive and healthy ways…and instead of worrying so much about just what to do, you find yourself focusing more on HOW you do it? Talk about faith in yourself. Pause, center yourself, calm down, and then step in–even without the answer. And trust that what unfolds is important, necessary, and growth oriented, even as it is still quite often hard.

This really is where faith in yourself–strength from the inside out–comes. Allowing yourself not to know just what to do and trusting that HOW you do it will take you down the right-for-you-and-your-child path. And that “how?” It comes from you pausing, calming, and then choosing just how you want to be no matter what your child is throwing at you. Pause is a muscle. Exercise it and it and you get stronger.

So yes. My work is faith based.

Faith in your ability to grow and parent respectfully,

gently, from the inside out as you focus more on yourself and less on the immediate challenge at hand.

Always start with you.

Here’s to each of you this New Year. Make a resolution to strengthen yourself this year. Slow yourself down with a PAUSE so you can really listen to your inner voice. Take your time. Relationships require the respect of time. Let a pause bring you a bit of calm and then let this calm help you trust the direction you then take. This is faith. This is the work I do for you.

I have faith in each of you as you strive to parent well.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

A Beautiful Moment

May 23, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A Beautiful Moment.

A mama, a curly-haired four-year-old boy, a beach, and a talk.

What caught my eye? First the boy, happily and busily marching up and down and up and down a great-big-to-him log on the beach. Pausing to JUMP into the sand…check out the waves…back up onto the log…sandy hands and all.

Next, the mama. Calm. Present. Quiet. Available.

Mr. Four was being given such a lovely space to BE. To move, think, imagine, connect on his own terms, in his own way.

Up the log he’d go…met by Mama with a twinkle in her eye. Maybe a few words exchanged, maybe not. It all depended on if Mr. Four had something to say.

Down the log he went. JUMP into the sand. Study intently the incoming tide.

I paused…watched…and then noticed and appreciated out loud to this mama the gift she was giving her son to just BE. And as you can imagine, this moment I paused became a Beautiful Moment.

A moment filled with sharing the power of connecting meaningfully, deeply. A moment filled with how life changing parenting is, how it calls to us to GROW, from the inside out. How, when we pause, calm ourselves, work first at growing our ability to feel centered and content to the best of our ability, our parenting changes, our children change.

Anxiety evaporates. Connection grows.

“Discipline” and “Punishment” become what they are supposed to be–a gentle, firm guidance done through calm connection, appreciation, and real JOY.

And yes, this is quite different from parenting permissively. You can explore my blog and “Parenting Well No Matter the Label” for more on that.

A Beautiful Moment of considering the power of parenting and living from the calm, centered, connected, affirming, appreciative, loving place focused on guiding children in empowering ways. She’s come to it along her path of discovery; I, too. And all my sharing with each of you is with the intent to help you grow this direction, also.

Just think what the world could be like if each and every one of us strengthened our ability to PAUSE, consider, appreciate. To grow our trust in life and growth and really listened to our inner selves, ultimately feeling steady and strong.

Just think how the next generation of children could more likely thrive as they grow in an environment filled with a real sense of security, of love, of being valued and appreciated for who they are, shown with care and gentleness and a steady assurance how to be, to grow, to live.

Just think. This mama and me? We felt the importance of our “chance” meeting. We both, I believe, parted feeling encouraged, affirmed, lifted. I did, absolutely.

And Mr. Four? Oh he was busily going down the log, up the log, and down again. Intermittently telling me about the Redwood Trees he and his stuffed dog were going to see, how the tide was coming in, how fast he can go, the adventures he’d been on and was going on, the special tires on his toy car, that he was 1-2-3-FOUR…!

What a delight. Thank you to this Mama who gave me a PAUSE to consider with care some of what we shared. Thank you to this Mama for the Beautiful Moment that has had me smiling all day long. And thank you to the curly haired Mr. Four who sparkled as he delighted in all things BEACH.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

It’s All About Relationship

May 14, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I found myself talking with a mother of three the other day. All that she shared is very much what I and many of my colleagues hear constantly.

HOW do we manage and balance all of these unknowns that are increasing in seemingly infinite ways?

HOW do we parent well, keep our children safe, control usage and exposure, say NO to video games, feel confident our schools are supporting this endeavor to lessen screen time…and on and on?

It’s exhausting.

Really, what CAN we do??

Focus on relationship.

So we need to focus on our relationship. THIS we can control.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

We can…

…Seek to understand more about what research and experts are saying. Explore what is available for filtering carefully what your kids are exposed to.

We may never be able to feel fully confident about how our technology driven life-styles and world is influencing us.

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

Because they have YOU.

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice. It really can be confusing.

April 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We know we need to give our little ones a choice, that it can make things go more smoothly, that now they are more likely to do what needs to be done, for they feel more in charge of it all….and yet, sometimes all those choices end up muddling everything up.

“But I GAVE him a choice!”

“I don’t know what choice to give…”

“There IS no choice! It just has to happen!”

Choice. It really can be so confusing…

You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to not give a choice–maybe even necessary to skip what feels like a choice. Sometimes giving choices just makes matters worse–like those times we have a tired little guy on our hands and we try to offer up enticing choices to help head them in the direction we’d like, and instead we end up with a puddle of a child on the floor…or avoiding you with all the nimbleness (and loud-ness!) only a young child has.

Yes, choices are good, kids do need them–this is how they learn to be accountable, to figure out what they like, don’t like, can and can’t do, are or aren’t responsible for. And sometimes is okay to make the choice for them.

Yet really, choice is still inherent in those times.

Let’s explore this a bit…

Let’s say your toddler is tired. You know it–for you know your little guy well and can see all the signs–the way he stops being able to focus for long on any one thing, the rubbing of the eyes, the cranking up of activity and behavior. You know they are tired. THEY know nap is the last thing they want–I mean, really, who’d want to leave the fun of a party, the adventure of playing and exploring, the important people in your life to check out for a while and sleep?!

Of course, if you ask, “Are you ready for a nap?” their answer is an emphatic NO. If you give them a choice of, say, “Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to walk all by yourself?” their answer will be to turn and run in the opposite direction.

Maybe they are asking for more food, to play a bit more, to read this book and that book and go pet the kitty and run down the hall and again ask to eat. And sometimes we actually get fooled by this, thinking if we just let them have another bite to eat, play a bit longer, read one more book it will make the move to nap smoother. Maybe it does–again, knowing your child well and trusting yourself is key. However…

…more often than not we are just adding fuel to the fire…so…

…this is where you get to say,“I see you think you’d like more to eat/more time to play/read one more book. I think what you are really feeling is tired. It is time for nap. Let’s go get your diaper changed….” And you calmly and gently pick them up to head down the hall.

If they go willingly? Now you are talking softly to them about what they can expect. “We’ll get you all dry for your nap and read three books. I wonder if you’d like one about the scoop shovel, or the one about the duck?” NOW it is time for a real choice! They are ready and relieved because you’ve made the initial decision for them–that nap time it is.

If they arch their back, turn into jello legs, and resist LOUDLY to all suggestion of a nap? Here’s where you get to continue with what feels like a lack of choice,”I know, it is so much fun playing. I can tell how tired you are. We will change your diaper and snuggle with our books…” Guidance–calm, connected, respectful. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

Your calm as they express their discontent. Your affirmation of how they feel. Your gentle and firm guidance towards nap.

Now they can feel safe even as they feel upset. What a comfort that ultimately is for a child to have a parent okay with how upset they feel. This may be enough.

Sometimes they need more.

Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.

Maybe pausing and looking at them arching their back in your arms and saying, “Why don’t we sit a bit on the rocking chair…maybe we could start with a book or sing a song before we change diapers…” Or maybe, after a moment of respecting those big feelings, you realize they really do need a drink of water or milk to ease them into nap mode.

Then perhaps, as they settle, a choice that works for them is offered. “Oh…you are ready for that diaper change. Do you want to take your special guy up to the changing table or shall we play our peek-a-boo game…remember how mommy likes to nibble your toes?!” You know best what it is that engages them the most and you’ve given them a bit of space and time to first get their upset out–key for respecting their mad without wavering from the nap-time needs.

This is where choice is inherent. As you make the choice for them, they still have the control over how THEY choose to feel about it. Their choice to get mad, sad, even over-the-top upset.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance helps them tremendously in managing their choice to be upset, in feeling heard and understood, in being helped towards discovering that certain things need to happen and you are there to help them through it as best as possible.

It communicates safety and security. It communicates respect.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance says, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot.”

What a way to grow a child from the inside-out–being respected, affirmed, heard, gently shown the way.

What a way to build a relationship based on trust–on being able to count on what you say, you mean and will do.

What a way for a child to still feel in control for you have taken the time to listen and affirm their choice of how to feel. Key for healthy relationships.

So today, trust your instincts as you look at your little one and know clearly that what they need the most is for you to gently guide them towards just what is most important right now. Allow for the feelings. Notice what works for you to be calm and gentle, yet firm. Let calm connection always lead the way.

Choice. It is key and it looks many different ways. Here’s to your confidence in the choices you make today!

You can find more about choices right here: Choices Choices Choices–Help!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Applesauce and Goodbyes

February 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed:

~ The 6-year-old boy at the store scrutinizing the apples, choosing with care the one he wanted, for he had decided to make applesauce. As I paused to watch, his patient, smiling, quietly watching mom said he had read the ingredients on the back of his favorite applesauce snack, and decided he wanted to make this all on his own. So apples it was…and a banana, as well.

I so appreciated mom respecting her son’s idea, giving him the opportunity to figure it out, supporting him along the way. I’ll bet some delicious home-made applesauce (maybe with a dollop of ice-cream!) was enjoyed at home that night! What a way to grow a confident, capable, competent young man.

~ The rather harried yet outwardly calm mom with three energetic boys full of beans in the grocery store. Two were marching along fairly involved with the shopping, one had decided to start a melt-down. “I don’t WANT to walk…I don’t WANT to be in the cart…I don’t WANT…”

Mom quietly and calmly let him know he could cool his jets and continue helping out, or ride in the cart. “I don’t WANT to…” and jelly legs began. Up he went as mom matter-of-factly picked him up and negotiated the now ACTIVE legs into the cart, buckled him in, and began to put her attention elsewhere.

What a way to communicate “You can count on me to keep it together no matter what you do” to her son–a powerful way to help him feel secure and grow the trust so necessary for healthy relating. What a way to communicate her confidence in his ability to ultimately learn more about managing himself--another powerful message that helps him help himself.

I tapped her on the shoulder and let her know how I noticed her ability to stay calm and what a gift this was to her son. Her response? A relieved and grateful smile and, “It can be so HARD at times…” YES. It sure can be. All the more reason to notice and appreciate parents as they navigate the hard–whether they are also falling apart or able to keep it together. It is to be appreciated

~ The 25 and 22-year old young adults taking intentional time to have special time and good-byes with their little friends—a 6-year-old and a 1-year-old. Both young adults were heading off to college and grad programs; both little ones will miss them. The first grader brought a bag FULL of college study snacks–granola bars, fruit snacks, chocolate, home-made trail mix…yum. And the hugs he and his favorite babysitter exchanged will last a semester! Not to mention the cards and letters they mail to each other…

The one-year-old knew little about leaving on jet planes, but he sure knew a lot about great big hugs, open-mouthed-ready-to-eat-you kind of kisses, and sticky good-bye waves. He topped it off with blowing kisses to his 25 and 22-year-old friends, copying their every move as they, too, blew them right back.

I so appreciated the time and attention given to these blossoming relationships–what a way to connect meaningfully, to fill one’s bucket, to love another. These young adults and their little friends? They are off to a solid start for building and enjoying wonderful relationships with each other.

Take time today to pause, notice, appreciate, and hopefully enjoy what unfolds for you or nearby you. Intentionally look for relationship building moments others are engaged in. Appreciate them–out-loud or just to yourself, it all counts. Encourage another parent who is in the midst of challenge. Take an extra moment to connect with a child. Notice what puts a smile on your face!

What we focus on grows, so let’s focus on appreciation and joy.

What a way to feel uplifted and energized even in the midst of the chaos of parenting .

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Squeals of delight!

October 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time!

A Mama and a five-month-old baby. Floor time for the chubby little guy. Fussiness begins. Mama says, “You need something. I wonder if you’d like to play airplane?” Followed by her signing airplane, flying her hand slowly across his field of vision.

Squeals of delight! Body wiggles and smiles spread. Mama picks up her son, saying, “You want to play airplane!” Down on the floor Mama goes, baby on her legs, flying gently back and forth while singing a lovely airplane song. More smiles and squeals of delight. Mama obviously got this request just right!

Fast forward and hour or so. Baby on floor again, beginning to fuss. Mama says, “I hear you. You need something. Would you like to play airplane again?” Her hands signing airplane, flying gently across her son’s field of vision.

Silence. Baby turns his head aside and stops his wiggling.

“Ahhh…”, Mama said, “You don’t want to play airplane. That isn’t what you want.” Baby turns again to look at her, fussing louder. “Let’s pick you up and see what you might need.” Up went Baby and LUNGE his little hands went toward her chest–“You are ready to eat! Let’s get settled on the couch…”

And off they went to nurse.

What a simply wonderful, respectful, relationship building round of interactions. What is communicated to her baby as she listens, asks questions, and respects just what it is he is asking for? I believe:

“I trust you to know just what you need.

I have confidence in your ability to manage yourself. I respect how you feel and what you need. You can trust me to

listen and understand. You can trust me

to answer your needs.”

What a way to begin building the foundation of inner direction, self-awareness, of a child who understands what THEY like, don’t like, can do, cannot do, are responsible for, are not responsible for, how they feel…what a way to begin building a mutually respectful, positive, deeply connected relationship. What a way to grow Baby’s language comprehension, future language skills, and all other brain healthy things. What a way to begin growing a capable, competent child. What a way to grow, period.

Mama could’ve ignored her baby’s desire to NOT play airplane the second time around. She could have just picked him up anyway and begun playing what she knew to be a favorite game. Maybe he’d have settled into it for a short while, but more likely he would have gotten louder in his upset.

What might have she communicated by ignoring his signal for NOT playing airplane? I believe:

“You really don’t mean what you just told me. I know better than you what you meant.” Not a recipe for growing an inner-directed soul who knows just what they want…need…feel. Not a recipe for growing someone able to trust themselves.

“You really don’t feel this way, I know better than you how you feel.” Do we really want to grow future adults who need to look to others to know how they feel? And YES, sometimes we do “know better” how they feel–so naming that feeling and using our words to talk about what we will do is key: “I think you really need to sleep. Let’s try settling to a nap…”

“I don’t trust what you are trying to tell me.” And oh how we WANT them to grow their ability to trust themselves–and us!

“You can’t count on me to respect how you feel.” Respect. Key for healthy relationships and it begins in infancy.

No, instead Mama listened, watched, trusted her baby. She asked him questions and respected his response. Yes, five-month-old babies can tell us plenty–if we watch with care, talk about what we see, respect how they feel. They can tell us so many important things about themselves–and all the while learning so much about themselves, about us, about relationships, about…well…everything.

Even when we have to do something different from what Baby is asking for, we can do it with respect, care, questions, language that helps them understand a bit more.

We can do it gently, affirming out loud what they’d really like and why they may have to wait. We can build their trust in us by following through gently with just what we said needed to happen, “You really want to see Papa RIGHT AWAY. Your diaper is dirty and we need to change it first. Then you can go see Papa!” “You are ready to nurse. I need to use the bathroom first, and then we can settle on the couch together.” “I know you don’t want to get buckled in safely in your car-seat. We are headed out in the car and it is time. Let’s sing a song…”

It was with immense appreciation and joy that I witnessed this lovely, simple exchange between a Mama and Baby. It is in its simplicity that it speaks so loudly for the kind of relationships necessary in order to grow and live well.

Today, listen first. Ask questions. Respect choices. Be calm and consistent with your follow-through. Name and affirm feelings–always! And know, by doing so–no matter what age child you have–you’ve just created a relationship building experience.

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Success: Respect Feelings

August 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!

Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it.

And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…

…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.

…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.

…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…

...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…

...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)

Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.

Things to focus on:

PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask

Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”

Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”

And always, always follow through with the choices given.

Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.

Respect Feelings.

A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.

Another essential ingredient can be found right here.

Here’s to you…

Parenting Success: The Three C’s

August 13, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know that slam-dunk recipe for parenting well you wish existed? There’s yet to be a cookbook that has one, yet there are Essential Ingredients that belong in the as-yet-written “Recipe for Parenting Success.” Self-Care is number one.

The next extremely Essential Ingredient is:

The Three C’s: Calm, Connection, and Consistency.

And if you follow me then you know what is coming next…

PAUSE.

Really, maybe that is key for this Essential Ingredient–a healthy dash of PAUSE.For when our buttons are pushed–whether it is mad, sad, anxiety of any sort–it is ESSENTIAL to practice a PAUSE. A pause that allows you to calm down a bit…to get clear on just what you want…and then step back in and respond based on what you really want rather than all the button pushing emotions that try to get the best of you. And probably often do.

This is the CALM of your Three C’s.

When we CAN calm ourselves a bit, we are more likely to create the very connection our child, who is actively pushing our button and seems to want nothing to do with us or connection, really really needs. And that includes the teen who slams the door in your face and the preschooler who screams louder and louder .

And when we can create the CONNECTION...

…maybe just by staying quiet and near, or maybe by sitting alongside, or maybe by affirming feelings, or maybe by taking them by the hand and joining them in a time out for recharging, or maybe by giving them the respectful space to sort out their feelings, first–we are more likely going to influence them in such a way that they really hear us, feel understood, focus on themselves rather than on all the UPSET we could have emphasized by not pausing.

And when they can feel the connection and understanding and encouragement and have the chance to think about themselves, all kinds opportunities arise for showing our kids what it is we are hoping for, we can better listen to them and understand them, we are more likely going to notice nuances that are key for moving through the yuck in relationship building ways. WE are in a better position to positively influence our kids. How cool is that?

Then there is CONSISTENCY.

Because we’ve paused, calmed, and created connection, we are now more likely quite clear on just what it is we DO want and what the choices are for our child–and there is yet another Essential Ingredient: CHOICES.

When we can offer up choices and then FOLLOW THROUGH with what we said we’d do or they can do or whatever the result of the choice is, when we can follow through right away–our child can now count on what we say we mean and will do. We keep our promises.

This is how trust is built. With our PAUSE, our calm, our connection, and our consistency in what we say, mean, and do, our child can feel safe and secure.They can test and push and do all things they are supposed to within the safe and secure place of TRUST. Even when the world rocks their boat, if they feel safe and secure and able to trust, they can regain their balance and continue on doing the growing they need.

Really. So today? Practice pausing. Find a place of calm–even an iota, it counts. Consider what it is you really want in the situation…and then step back in responding instead of reacting. Trust this will be a deposit into the connection your child needs. Then respect choices made and consistently follow through with the results.

Truly an Essential Ingredient–The 3 C’s. Plus a (rather large) dash of PAUSE. Need help? Check out my book, PAUSE. It is all about the power of calm connection in our lives.

Continue…

How would YOU feel?

July 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

How would YOU feel if…

…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?

…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?

…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?

…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?

…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?

…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?

…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?

…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?

…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?

I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.

Respect. It is key and it begins at birth.

Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”

Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt? Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”

Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”

Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.

Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”

Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years

Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.

Start right now and PAUSE before you act.

Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.

And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.

It begins with you.

Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.

With respectful appreciation,

Alice

Our Response Matters

June 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

When things get heated, testy, frustrating, maddening,

scary, grief-stricken…our response IS necessary.

HOW we respond is what matters.

Whether the heat happens in your living room, at work, in your community, during rush-hour, between your kids, you and your partner, co-workers, school board members, politicians and politics, anywhere and with/at anyone…

HOW we respond is what determines just what is learned, what kind of influence we are, whether productive and hopefully positive change occurs.

When we react–often loudly, aggressively, maddeningly, fearfully, trying to control and make and convince and stop–we tend to (and you probably see this often with your children!) stir up MORE of exactly what we are trying to stop, change, make feel safe, better, right.

Think about this. When we push back with often very similar behavior that our child (or whomever it is with) has just shown us–raised voices, rough handling, absolutes that are nearly impossible to carry through–our child either gets LOUDER, rougher, more upset, repeats over and over again the very same behavior and it just keeps escalating; or they–out of fear, often–comply. They are scared about OUR reaction and quickly do just whatever it is we are trying to get them to do.

Pretty relationship-depleting.

Nor very productive in the long-run, or the kind of positive influence we really want to be as we consider being the kind of resource and person we want our child to WANT to come back to. Especially when the going gets tough.

HOW we respond to any kind of conflict or challenge presented, no matter the “stage” (your living room, at work, on the road, in the community, country, world), will determine just what will be learned.

So…

PAUSE. Strengthen this muscle every chance you get.

PAUSE. Discover what works for YOU to calm all (or at least some of) the heat that is inside you.

Get CLEAR on just what you want the most, what you intend.

This includes thinking about what you value the most–qualities, strengths, beliefs. This includes what kind of influence YOU intend to be. This includes just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, what kind of community you want to live in…

Step back into the situation and RESPOND (rather than react) based on what you want the MOST.

And now your calm(er) and clear(er) self will more likely say words that have a meaningful and positive impact, your actions will support your words (Integrity–what you mean you say and will do. Essential for living well), and you will more likely be listened to, cooperated or collaborated with, and most definitely will be respected. Because you are being respectful.

Sounds like a lot to do, doesn’t it? Like something you really have NO time for. And yet, if we don’t start working on our ability to control ourselves and parent, live, lead from a truly authentic place–from inside-out, clear on building healthy relationships and communities, able to be the mature adult our children and world need, then things are going to ramp up and get ever harder.

Anxiety, fear, anger will grow. And our opportunities to get stronger at being calmer will not only increase, they will overwhelm. And it really is just “easier” to react. Though all that does is spiral it up even more.

So what does it all really mean or look like?

Instead of the desire and then reaction to get your child to quit hitting his brother….what you hopefully want the MOST is your child to learn how to problem solve, negotiate, work through conflict in productive ways. The desire to quit hitting is very real. The response needs to be based on learning to work through conflict in productive ways.

Instead of just getting out the door on time, period, and doing whatever it takes to get everyone out the door on time, what you hopefully want is a child who is learning how to manage THEIR time well, what it takes to be ready to roll, how their choices ripple out to impact the rest of their day…

Instead of rescuing a struggling child as they work on something difficult (whether it is a project, a Great Big Sad, challenging friendships, bullying, learning something new, taking responsibility for the results of a choice that wasn’t so wonderful…), what you want the MOST is a child able to manage the hard of the struggle. To know they can work through feelings productively, that they can count on your calm and safe presence to unload, that they can feel capable and competent as they figure things out. That mistakes are okay. Something to learn from instead of just fix.

That is what looking to what you want the MOST is all about.

Sometimes our response seems to be no response—because we have, following a PAUSE, calmed ourselves down enough that we wait. We watch. We listen. And often discover because of our calm, observant, quiet self we are providing LESS attention to the very less-than-desirable behavior…and that behavior? It now lessens. Changes. Shifts all on its own–or seemingly so. When our response is an intentional “no” response our respectful, quiet, watchful and waiting selves have just influenced another in a positive and productive way.

Sometimes our response is quick, firm, and done with your full and respectful presence as you stop your child or another from hurting or being hurt. Those are those immediate safety concerns…and when done with the Gentle Firmness that our quick and immediate response is when from a strengthened PAUSE muscle, it stays relationship-building. Even as anxiety, fear, and the LOUD of upset take over.

HOW we respond determines what is learned…

…and it is in the HOW that can be what is essential for growing more of the good, strong, productive, relationship-building, appreciative, even positive that we want for our children, our relationships, our communities, our world.

What we focus on grows.

This testy, LOUD, reactivity? It really is way more about each of us–something we can control. Today, tomorrow, forever–work at putting your attention first within yourself and getting calm and clear. Then make your response be in the good, kind, productive, appreciative, honest, collaborative, cooperative, relationship-BUILDING direction.

Respond with calm, clear, honest intention. What a world of difference this can make.

It matters.

To help you along: It’s HARD to PAUSE

Or: How Many Times Do I Need To Tell You?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice Hanscam
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Babies! Capable and Competent from Birth

May 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Babies! Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!

And it is easy to think our job is to do it all for them and to them–they are teeny, tiny and seemingly ever so helpless. Yet truly they are capable and competent from day one in their own ever increasingly amazing ways. When we look for and recognize this we are truly more able to build a strong foundation for all their healthy growth; we are depositing in little and magnificent ways into the respectful relationship we intend to have.

Did you know babies can:

~ Self-regulate when it comes to feeding? They know, all on their own, whether they are hungry, and when theyʼve had enough. Our job is to respect that.

~ Communicate with clarity when they are uncomfortable. Our job? To ask them what they need, talk them through the solutions, “Are you feeling sleepy? Is it time for your nap? Letʼs go get you ready…” “I can tell you don’t like a wet diaper. Let’s get you changed.”

~ Respond to “Are you ready?” as you prepare to change diapers, wipe faces, pull on clothing—let them know what you need to do, respectfully ask if they are ready, wait a moment, then follow through—and you will discover their active participation in whatever it is. You may be surprised!

~ Clearly let us know when theyʼve had enough of our well-meaning interactions—they turn their heads—and when that doesnʼt work, they may close their eyes, cry, or fall asleep. Our job? Watch…and allow them the opportunity to turn away and decide when they are ready to re-engage. By doing so they wonʼt need to cry or fall asleep to protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Baseline for growing respect. Baseline for growing a child who can be self-directed, tuned into their own feelings, truly KNOW themselves.

~ Hold conversations with you as you respect the give and take—talking, waiting, responding. Captivating! Some of my favorite times with a baby…

~ Move their bodies in just the right ways to develop well. Our job? To provide them with lots of floor time and out-of-containers time to move freely on their own. To roll to their tummy when they can do it on their own, pull themselves up on furniture, push themselves to a sitting position, kick, stretch, reach, grasp, chew—this is their job and they do it well.

~ Know the meaning of many, many words as you tell them stories, sing to them, show them their world—truly creating the foundation of language that is baseline for all their learning. It can be wonderfully surprising when your 9-month-old can point out a chickadee as different from a robin…

What do you notice about your infant that surprises you? What can you do differently as you see him as the capable little soul he already is?

Want to know more about babies? You may like this: How Would YOU Feel…?

Or this: Important Moments in the Day of a Baby

With joy and appreciation,

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

It’s Personal, Our Grief

April 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Grief. You’ve been there, and will be there, and maybe are there, right now.

Whether it is grief over loss of a pet, a friend, a child. Or a child grieving the loss of a beloved critter, a sibling or dear friend, a grandparent, a parent. No matter the who or what, grief.

I’ve been asked by a dear friend to talk about grief. To talk, I think, about how to manage it, move through it, feel better from it. It often floors us–this grief. It is BIG. It is DEEP. It feels insurmountable at times, it leaves us often feeling helpless–whether it is our grief or another’s.

We often, myself included, get busy trying to push our grief away. To not be sad. To “make ourselves/the other better.” To try to solve our child’s or our great big sad in whatever way we can. Sometimes this seems to work–to “make it go away.” We do it perhaps by filling up our time. Avoiding the sad. We do it by maybe buying extra things for our child, giving them lots of attention to distract them (mostly because we can’t handle their sad…), perhaps saying things like, “Don’t be sad. Here, this will help you feel better…” Or maybe we ignore it, hoping it’ll all just take care of itself.

Always, always these attempts at being “over” our grief are valid, coming from a place of deep care and compassion. They are something that communicates how important the other is to us, how much we love them. Yet when we are busy trying to make the grief “go away” we are displacing just what we or our child need in order to grow in healthy ways—an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to manage all our feelings, to really take charge of US…or our child learn to take charge of themselves.

To be strong, from the inside out. To learn how to grieve.

Here’s what I’ve come to over time…and truly I hope this will help ME when I’m faced with seemingly insurmountable grief. I’ve come to see grief–anyone’s great big sad–as something to welcome in.

Yes, welcome–maybe not with a big joyful smile but instead with the quiet acceptance a welcome can provide. To sit in the sad and just be. To give it a place of honor. I believe the more we grow up and out and expand in our joy in life, the further down our roots–our foundation–grow. Think of a tree–the taller it gets, spreading its branches out to the sunshine, light and air, the further down its roots grow into the dark soil in order to balance it, give it strength, so it cannot easily topple over. So it can continue growing in glorious ways. So it can be STRONG from the inside out.

This is how I see grief. It has a place in making us the whole and wonderful beings we are when we can welcome in our sad, cherish it, give it a place of honor, allow it. It is personal, our grief. It is on our own individual time-line that we will move through it. Instead of “getting over it” it will be come a part of the fabric of our being–those dark colors in a weaving? They off-set the bright and pastel ones the rest of our weaving (our life) is made of. We need these dark colors–maybe just to appreciate the brightness of the other colors, maybe to realize and relish the times of the bright colors.

As always, I encourage PAUSE to come into play.

PAUSE in yours or another’s grief. Connect quietly. Walk alongside. Look for the gifts the grief can bring--an opportunity to show compassion. An opportunity to leave another feeling truly heard and supported. An opportunity to grow our ability to let go, trust, lead with calm connection and really hear another or hear yourself. An opportunity to accept all feelings as important–crucial, even, for living well. An opportunity for self-care, for connection, for being what Mister Rogers always talked of–a helper. A chance to PAUSE a bit and reflect and remember and let those memories lift you or your child or another.

An opportunity to be the whole, balanced, strong-from-the-inside-out beings we can be. We can push grief away, cover it up, avoid it…and it can be sure to rock our world even more the next time around. Or we can welcome it in, give it a place of honor, sit in it and trust its part in helping us be whole and wonderful beings…and find ourselves just a bit stronger, more centered, in a place from which we can reach out to another who is feeling the insurmountable grief overwhelm them.

So today, whatever your loss, PAUSE. Take care of YOU by being gentle, compassionate, patient. Allow your grief. Maybe slowly, in little bits. Be sad. Be mad. Be confused. Honor all your feelings and know, clearly, that by doing so in time you will feel the inner strength once again. You will feel steadier. Calmer. You, as the tree that grows up and out, will discover the gifts your ever-deepening roots provide. Strength and balance. Strength that is quiet; balance that is steadying. Both can shore you up just when you need it the most.

And then joy—the joy that is about the richness of ALL feelings—enters in once again…

Here’s to my friend. Here’s to any and all of us. May this fill and lift us in ways we need the most.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Focus on relationship.

It is essential that our children feel we are the safe, secure

place and resource for them to come to and openly share as they find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or confused.

We can…

We CAN feel confident in how we connect

with our children, build close, respectful, loving relationships,

and offer up just what a child needs–a safe and secure place to experience all things in life.

When we are responsible for our kids we are trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

We are responsible TO our children.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we decide to be, to feel, to act.

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

Moments such as…

What does this require from you?

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

A story for you…

“Mom, you know that “responsible to and responsible for”

thing you talk about–that we aren’t responsible for how another thinks, feels, and behaves?”

What did the 21-year-old communicate by letting go of taking

responsibility for her young cousin’s experience?

What did the 21-year-old learn?

What might the young teen have learned?

Now go role-model just what you believe in. Know that your children–no matter their age–are absorbing your actions.

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.

What does this require from us?

What a way to help a child learn a bit more about

themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.

I had a choice–to wreck my relationship with her or to continue to build it in positive ways.

Parenting requires our growth. You can do it.

I did, have, and continue to.

It was beautiful to watch. The “dance” I saw between a mama and a 2.5-year old.

“NO.”

He trusted her; she trusted him. What a beautiful dance.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Calm.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

PAUSE.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

How would YOU feel if…

You’d be able to TRUST. The foundation for all healthy living and relationships.

And it is essential all through childhood.

It is about taking time. Taking time to build relationships

that can feel strong from the inside out.

Taking time. Building trust so your little one

CAN count on you. Depositing as often as you can into the kind

of relationship you want the most.

Welcome the testing your children do.

To pass their test.

What a way to grow the trust and respect essential

for relationships to flourish. What a way to strengthen the foundation of trust that is absolutely key for all future growing.

What a gift to all relationships!

Real and meaningful connection leads the way as you connect from the calm, steady, dependable place your child needs.

You’ve passed their test.

Gentle discipline. Sometimes a rather confusing pair of words.

Gentle discipline is about respect, trust in the process growth is, lots and lots of practice, and clarity on our part for just what we want our children to learn–and then show them.

As we do so, “discipline” takes on a whole new meaning.

Now it is about helping our children learn to manage themselves rather than us taking the responsibility for continuing

to manage them.

And the really cool thing?

As you do so, parenting can actually get easier

and your relationships stronger.

To cry or not to cry.

“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep” to“Babies should never cry” to“What do I do when she cries!”

Babies cry. It is a form of communication.

It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about

learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.

Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.

Babies cry and it is okay.

Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn

more about who they are.

I paused.

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

**Parenting requires our growth. You can do it.**